Need some advice about toxic friendship.

CelticGypsy · #1 11-22-2004, 04:05 PM

This summer I parted ways with a longtime friend of over 30 yrs. We have different lifestyles and do not live near each other so letters and phone calls were only sources of communication since she did not want to come and visit me when I would invite her. I have not heard from her since August and now she wants me to return items such as books, CD's, videos, photos and old letters that we have given to each other over the last 25-30 yrs

I want to keep some of them for sentimental reasons because she was a good friend at one time, especially during our teen years but I feel she just wants to totally forget we ever were friends. Am I being selfish in wanting to keep these things as keepsakes? I never asked her for any of the letters, photos or Christmas gifts I had sent to her in the past. I feel these things belong to her since they were gifts from me. Any suggestions? Hubby said I should ignore her requests and not accept any letters or phone calls from her since it sounds like she is not acting herself. She was the one to end the friendship this past summer

Thanks for any advice. I am thinking hubby is right but want others opinions also.

gldstwmn · #2 11-22-2004, 04:15 PM

I think your husband is right.

GODDESS6 · #3 11-22-2004, 04:22 PM

i totally agree w/ hubby!!!~

DrummerDeanna · #4 11-22-2004, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CelticGypsy

This summer I parted ways with a longtime friend of over 30 yrs. We have different lifestyles and do not live near each other so letters and phone calls were only sources of communication since she did not want to come and visit me when I would invite her. I have not heard from her since August and now she wants me to return items such as books, CD's, videos, photos and old letters that we have given to each other over the last 25-30 yrs

I want to keep some of them for sentimental reasons because she was a good friend at one time, especially during our teen years but I feel she just wants to totally forget we ever were friends. Am I being selfish in wanting to keep these things as keepsakes? I never asked her for any of the letters, photos or Christmas gifts I had sent to her in the past. I feel these things belong to her since they were gifts from me. Any suggestions? Hubby said I should ignore her requests and not accept any letters or phone calls from her since it sounds like she is not acting herself. She was the one to end the friendship this past summer

Thanks for any advice. I am thinking hubby is right but want others opinions also.

Yep - I agree with the hubby. A gift is a gift -so you are under no obligation to give anything back - I'd ignore the requests etc...and keep what you want to keep....unfortunate situation - but yeah - take care of you and don't worry about her - she obviously isn't too concerned about you...

amber · #5 11-22-2004, 04:27 PM

In addition to you keeping the stuff, I also don't think she really cares about getting the stuff back, but is trying to make some kind of point like "i'm really mad at you" because asking for stuff like that is a total Pouty McHuff move. Don't give it back, of course.

CelticGypsy · #6 11-22-2004, 05:06 PM

I plan to not have anything to do with this person anymore. My hubby has met her several times from vacations back to our home state to see family and friends and he thought she had a very selfish side to her character and I would have to agree with him now looking back over the past years. Friendships should be about sharing and concern for each other. I never really felt that way with her these last few years. It is like a death since I had known her for such a long time but time does heal the hurt and living far away does help too.

dissention · #7 11-22-2004, 05:08 PM

I wouldn't listen to your hubby. Don't ignore her.

First of all, she's been your friend for thirty years, that has to count for something. Write her a letter asking her what's wrong. Did you do something wrong? Can you fix it? Remind her about why you became friends in the first place. You both invested years into your friendship, you both need to communicate to each other how each one is feeling and then decide if you can move on or if you have to part ways. Don't throw away a thirty year old friendship over material things.

Try not to think about what she may have done to you to make you mad, swallow your pride and tell her you want to be friends again!

dissention · #8 11-22-2004, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CelticGypsy

I plan to not have anything to do with this person anymore. My hubby has met her several times from vacations back to our home state to see family and friends and he thought she had a very selfish side to her character and I would have to agree with him now looking back over the past years. Friendships should be about sharing and concern for each other. I never really felt that way with her these last few years. It is like a death since I had known her for such a long time but time does heal the hurt and living far away does help too.

Well, if she's not the kind of person you want in your life, stop being friends. You don't have to return anything to her, but at the same time, should you make an enemy over such material items?

sparky · #9 11-22-2004, 05:18 PM

Gifts are gifts and you are under no obligation to return them. That request is clearly a snub meant to hurt you and rub your nose in the pain. If you want nothing to do with her anymore, great. Some people are truly toxic. I have been in situations like this before and have let time pass and allowed the other party to cool down. Then, I have proceeded with opening communication like D describes. Emotions can make people do things they regret, so think it best to let things calm down a bit.
You know her well. Is this typical ? Has she always been a drama queen ? If this is a typical pattern, then you probably know exactly what to do. Additionally, there may be some kind of extenuating circumstances that are inciting this strange behavior. Could even be mental illness.
Follow your gut, and act with respect and dignity. That always wins out in the end.

dissention · #10 11-22-2004, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparky

Could even be mental illness.

Next time I feel a bitch fit comin' on, I'm gonna use that excuse.

"Don't blame me, it's my undiagnosed mental illness. Gimme a percoset to ease my mental pain."

SuzeQuze · #11 11-22-2004, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dissention

Next time I feel a bitch fit comin' on, I'm gonna use that excuse.

"Don't blame me, it's my undiagnosed mental illness. Gimme a percoset to ease my mental pain."

Well, the thought came to my mind that she could be mentally ill as well. Or perhaps an addiction is clouding her vision. This reminds me of a friend I had from 6th grade through high school but we just had to part ways because she was soooo self absorbed and selfish. I am the opposite so for a long time I did not even see it but she hurt me many times until I finally woke up and chose self preservation. Sometimes I still miss her but not the drama. She never asked me how I was or anything and babbled on and on about herself incessantly, about her parents and BF, and poor her... Bleck!

DeeGeMe · #12 11-22-2004, 07:37 PM

I call them Energy Creatures or Vampire "Friends". They zap your energy and just exhaust you mentally and sometimes physically. I had a "friend" like that--we worked together for about three years and were great friends, or so I thought.

I found out later that she would over-embellish things I'd said or done and then tell my boss. S (as I'll call her) took something I'd said totally out of context and turned it into something it absolutely was not and then would repeated it to my boss. One day, the boss and I ended up in a "I Quit-You're Fired" showdown than left me without a job for over two months.

It turned out to be a blessing in disguise because I ended up getting another job in another field entirely and now, almost five years later, I make three times what I did at that old job. And here's the kicker-although S was not on my list of "official" references, the person at my new job knew her and called her up for a reference. Out of guilt, I suppose, she gave him a glowing review for me. At this point, I still didn't know that she had been the poison pill because she would blame these incidents on others we worked with.

I should have known better-I knew she was a drama queen. And she required near 24/7 maintenance. The hours i spent listening to her cry about her ex-husband, her ex-boyfriends, her current boyfriends, her children. It was endless. She'd call me up at my new job and want to talk an hour or so a day (sometimes more), and this was on top of the daily phone calls to my home at night, the instant messages, the e-mails. I swear I spent more time on her maintenance and upkeep than I did on my job.

Finally, I was just completly exhausted by her. I felt like I was her unofficial in-house therapist. At the same time, someone from my old job clued me in on S's role in my dismissal from my old job. They couldn't believe I was still friends with her after that. Then the blindfold fell away from my eyes and I finally began to see her for what she really was. She never had time to listen to me, to be there for me when I needed her. It was all about her.

I confronted her about what the other person had said and she burst into tears and told me she never meant to hurt me, blah-blah-blah. She never, not once, said it wasn't true. That's when I stopped taking her calls, her e-mails, her IM's. I just ceased communication with her.

And lo and behold, I ran into her this past Saturday. I was heading into a store and she was coming out. She was thrilled to see me, I less so to see her. We had a friendly conversation though. From what she told me, it sounds like her life is still the soap opera that it always was. She thrives on drama. I do not. At the point in my life where she was my "friend", I was at a job that I hated and in a relationship that was far from healthy. I didn't have very high standards for myself or any of my relationships at that point in my life. Now I do. I think she figured that out pretty quickly on Saturday from our conversation. It's funny how these energy creatures/vampires can figure out who they can victimize/use and who they cannot. I'm very happy to say that I'm no longer the pawn I was five years ago!

Friendships are like any other relationship-sometimes they grown and evolve and gain strength through the years. Sometimes they do not. It's sad, but it's unavoidable. I think it sounds as if your friend is being petty and childish by requesting the gifts back. Since she ended the friendship, I'd write her a nice note, point out the good times that you've shared, then point out that your friendship ended at her request, not yours, and give her the spiel about how people grow and change and sometimes old friendships disolve. Tell her your're sorry that your friendship ended on this note, but that since these were gifts she gave you, you intend to keep them. Then wish her well in her life path from this point on.

CelticGypsy · #13 11-22-2004, 08:22 PM

Thanks everyone for your help and support. She says she is bi-polar but I am not sure if she is or not. She has lied about so many things in her life. I am glad we ended the friendship.

I haven't communicated with her for several weeks and it has been less stressful and more peaceful in my own life until I got the letter asking for things back that she wanted. I will ignore her request since the things we exchanged are Christmas and birthday gifts. I wrote her a nice letter thanking her for her friendship over the many years and I wished her a good and happy life. She has alot of personal problems to overcome. I let my hubby read a couple of letters so he could give me some idea why she was acting this way. He agreed that she is a drama queen and she is a selfish and immature person. He has met her several times so he knows me and he could not believe she was a friend of mine since he knows most of the friends I have. He has good instincts so I will trust his wisdom and he has never let me down. She is in her late 40's so maybe she is going through a mid-life crisis or some illness. She doesn't want any help so I just hope she will get the professional help that she needs. She has a good man for an ex-husband and two wonderful teenaged daughters so I hope they can reach her and help her out if she lets them.

I appreciate everyone's help. I know ending this was a good thing for me personally. Take care

paleshadow · #14 11-23-2004, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CelticGypsy

Thanks everyone for your help and support. She says she is bi-polar but I am not sure if she is or not. She has lied about so many things in her life. I am glad we ended the friendship.

I haven't communicated with her for several weeks and it has been less stressful and more peaceful in my own life until I got the letter asking for things back that she wanted. I will ignore her request since the things we exchanged are Christmas and birthday gifts. I wrote her a nice letter thanking her for her friendship over the many years and I wished her a good and happy life. She has alot of personal problems to overcome. I let my hubby read a couple of letters so he could give me some idea why she was acting this way. He agreed that she is a drama queen and she is a selfish and immature person. He has met her several times so he knows me and he could not believe she was a friend of mine since he knows most of the friends I have. He has good instincts so I will trust his wisdom and he has never let me down. She is in her late 40's so maybe she is going through a mid-life crisis or some illness. She doesn't want any help so I just hope she will get the professional help that she needs. She has a good man for an ex-husband and two wonderful teenaged daughters so I hope they can reach her and help her out if she lets them.

I appreciate everyone's help. I know ending this was a good thing for me personally. Take care

I agree with what Dissention said a few posts ago. True friendships are full of ups and downs. Plus there are two sides to every story, maybe in her mind she is justified in being upset with you and you just don't know why. It could be worth asking at least. In any event you said you wanted to keep the gifts because they reminded you of your friendship, but it seems like if you are willing to cut her loose and let go, then those things shouldn't be that meaningful, and maybe you should return them.

CelticGypsy · #15 11-23-2004, 02:28 PM

This friend has done this before to me. She tends to drift away from family and friends when she is faced with personal stress or problems. I did ask her if I did anything wrong to upset her. She says I haven't. I would like to be her friend again, someday, but she has a few personal problems she needs to work on. It has been like a roller coaster ride this past year dealing with her. It is better for me to just let her try and work things out for herself for now. The gifts are simple things like family photos, books and letters that I would like to keep in case this friendship can be saved.