Quote:
Originally Posted by sparky
I found that the only way to deal with past family disputes was as if they were business arrangements. I had a situation with family members where I would come into town and had very limited time. Not enough time to see them all separately. They couldn't stand one another and would not all gather to see me as a group. As a result, I ran myself ragged for a few years trying to see them all in a short time. Finally I wised up. I rotated. Each Holiday season I made two stops. I told everyone involved where I would be. If they wanted to see me, that was where I was making my appearance. If they chose not to come, I informed them I was sorry they were unable to make it. Next year I would make different stops. Period. A time or two, I actually had to say, when they got harsh, "If your conflict with so and so is more important than your desire to see me, I respect that. I respect your priorities." The choice and responsibility was no longer mine. And I refused to respond to a negative statement about anyone. The second anyone uttered negativity I would silently listen. When they were done, I would simply reply, "That's very sad. I wish you got along with them." Any repeated attack I simply refused to respond to. About the only thing I would offer is "Too bad I can't fix it. If you want to fix it, it is up to you. Can we talk about something else ?" Brick wall treatment. The rules of DISengagement.
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That's basically what I'm doing now...I have, in the past, listened to my mom's bitching about my sister - and I say nothing but, "Well that's your problem" But last night I finally told her to just not talk to me about it at all.
I'm not her counselor so I told her if she needed to bitch about HER issue with my sister then therapy was probably in order.
My sister well - we don't bitch about this situation per se - but we're sisters, yes we talk about our mother - and other family members...it's what sisters do! My mom doesn't seem to understand that sisters and mothers have different relationships...at least that's how it is with my family.
So I laid down the law a bit last night with the mum...she's no longer irrationally pissed of at me and has apparently rescinded the disown
She's a picnic in pants I tell ya.