[sparky]

This whole story sucks. Mostly because of how typical it is.

I went through a few similar things when I was younger. Family brings with it so many subconscious obligations and emotional attachments, that we are all often in a bad positon to use logic. However, with crazy people, logic is frequently the only weapon.

I found that the only way to deal with past family disputes was as if they were business arrangements. I had a situation with family members where I would come into town and had very limited time. Not enough time to see them all separately. They couldn't stand one another and would not all gather to see me as a group. As a result, I ran myself ragged for a few years trying to see them all in a short time. Finally I wised up. I rotated. Each Holiday season I made two stops. I told everyone involved where I would be. If they wanted to see me, that was where I was making my appearance. If they chose not to come, I informed them I was sorry they were unable to make it. Next year I would make different stops. Period. A time or two, I actually had to say, when they got harsh, "If your conflict with so and so is more important than your desire to see me, I respect that. I respect your priorities." The choice and responsibility was no longer mine. And I refused to respond to a negative statement about anyone. The second anyone uttered negativity I would silently listen. When they were done, I would simply reply, "That's very sad. I wish you got along with them." Any repeated attack I simply refused to respond to. About the only thing I would offer is "Too bad I can't fix it. If you want to fix it, it is up to you. Can we talk about something else ?" Brick wall treatment. The rules of DISengagement.

Shut them all the f*ck up. Some of them fixed things, some of them didn't. Some of them are dead now. Not my problem. I got along with all of them.

Sorry that your situation is so nuts, Deanna. I think from what you have revealed, that your mother is either truly mentally ill, or just wildly manipulative. I wish you luck, and hope you preserve your sanity first.