I can understand what you're saying there. I felt that way...I pretty much still feel that way. I wouldn't want you to wait five years, no. My time as a repressed homosexual was too long; I'm sure you feel the same way and would even more so if you made yourself wait. I also completely understand needing to be blunt and honest. In addition to all of that, I understand your need to be a part of something, as you said a few posts ago. Mari has said before that the labels are unnecessary but I feel that I need to be gay (or whatever the case may be) rather than just me. I have to be able to explain why I feel the way I feel; I need a name for it. I need to know that there are others out there who are comparable to me in that way so that I have people to talk to about it. I think this is human nature, and especially in the case of young people, and we are both young.
It's just hard for me to get past your comments from only a few months ago. I went through a change myself but it was not so dramatic. I never thought that it was wrong to be gay, I just didn't want someone to tell me I was, or I was likely to stop speaking to the person. I never told anyone that he or she was going against God or nature by being gay, despite the fact that the idea of being that myself scared the hell out of me. I'm very tempted to make a comment about organized religion here.
I understand that you're not the only person who has been through that in just that way, though, so I suppose I am being unfair. But it's hard to say "all is forgiven" when comments like yours have been made.
It's very hard for me to have that stuff thrown on me. I always think I'm ready for it but then it comes and I realize I'm not. I'm getting better, but very slowly. Whenever Chris expresses his joy at his own homosexuality, I feel that I might cry. I don't think I can ever truly feel that way; I am far too tied to other people. I can't not think of the relatives of mine, for example who will NEVER accept that. Homosexuality can be joyful for me only under certain circumstances and there is no consistency with it. I am very angry much of the time. Though I can't relate directly, it is why I find myself identifying with Malcolm X so much. Some of your previous comments were added to the plethora of similar comments I hear regularly and sometimes it's just one more that is the straw that breaks the camel's back; the determinant that makes one either rest easily or cry herself to sleep. And there are people who are weaker than I am. That, to me, is a scary thought. There are people whose lives can be broken by a few strongly homophobic comments here and there.
But perhaps I am being very unfair to you because you have been trying to find yourself and what has happened is inevitable and maybe even beyond your control. But like you, I'm being honest and putting it out there. I know you have a lot of soul searching to do (as do I--it is probably nearly a lifelong process) and I really don't want to make it more difficult. Besides, maybe I am doing something thoroughly futile because what I'm talking about is water under the bridge, anyway.