My Upcoming Wedding and Future "Monster-in-Law"
 

Ok - so this is way long - but I seriously can use some input from people who are not personally connected to the situation.

I am 6 months out from my destination wedding in Jamaica. My finacee and I are spending a week on the South Coast of Jamaica in private villas with 30 family and friends and getting married at the end of the week. We are planning all of this on our own because we are not getting married at a typical resort, so we don't have a wedding coordinator on site. So . . .

My FMIL (future mother in law) has been an absolute bitch since my fiancee and I have decided to do this whole destination wedding thing and informed them of it this past summer. By way of background . . . she is my finacee's stepmother - his mother died after battling cancer when he was 12 years old (25 years ago), and this woman was waiting in the wings to scoop up his dad right after his mom died (this woman was my fiancee's brother's 2nd grade teacher at the time). They got married less than one year after his mom died. Because of how screwed up that situation was, my fiancee has always had a strained relationship with her.

So, ever since we decided to get married in Jamaica, she has been negative, condescending and critical. Nothing but negativity from her no matter what the topic. She is pissed because she wants to prance around like a peacock at a wedding in New York (where she lives) in front of all her friends. It is ALWAYS about her. Anyway, at this time in the planning process, we have received all the RSVPs from guests who are going to stay with us in the villas, and have potentially assigned rooms to those guests who have paid a deposit to us. We thought it would be an appropriate thing to stay in what we perceive to be the best villa, along with our parents and bridal party (we only have one attendant each). We have always told everyone that this is the plan and there was no disagreement about it until . . .

We went up to NY the second weekend in December for my fiancee's birthday and we out to brunch with his stepmother, father and brother. During the brunch, FMIL asks me where people are staying. My fiancee repeats what we have always told them that they are staying with us and my parents in a villa and that the other family members coming are staying in another villa. She says to me in front of everyone, "I don't want to sound mean, and even though we have met your parents, we don't know them and don't want to stay with them". Umm . . . WHAT???? My fiancee's brother had a look of horror on his face, and my FFIL (future father in law) was just spacing out (he rarely listens to her anymore). My fiancee tried to explain why we had this arrangement, and she then repeated that she wanted to stay in a particular room at a particular villa. Frankly, I couldn't be happier that this woman is not going to stay with us. Both my fiancee and I prefer it. She then says that she is paying her way and it is a vacation for her and she should get to stay where she wants. It was an extremely uncomfortable brunch to say the least. When we returned to his parent's home the insults continued:

- I was told that my bridesmaid dress choice was not good for her daughter (my fiancee's half-sister), and that she would only wear certain colors
- I was told that I would have no idea what dress style would be appropriate because her daughter had big boobs, and I don't
- She told me that we had better not ask for any contribution because they don't have any money to help out
- That I should been doing more planning now, even though I teach law at the college level and work about 60 hours a week and really only have the time during school breaks (like now over the holidays)
- That my job shouldn't be used as an excuse because she used to be a 2nd grade teacher and my job is no different than her job used to be and she had plenty of time off

Ok, so whatever . . . I think I was actually the least offended compared to my fiancee and his brother (who confronted the father and stepmother after my fiancee and I left saying how rude she was).

So we do the Christmas thing where we try to make both families happy by driving all over creation on Christmas. We spend Christmas Eve and morning with my family and then drive for 4 1/2 hours to New York to see his family. They were told not to wait for us because we didn't know what time we would be arriving. We got there around 8 pm. We went inside and she completely ignored us for the first 1 1/2 hours, other than to order me to sit down. I find out that she has bought a new huge flat screen tv, a Wii and a brand new Honda Pilot (wow where did she get the $$$ for those things?)

She then finally breaks her silence to tell us that they we waiting for us all day to open presents and we should unwrap them now. So, I get a gift card (I was told to use them to purchase my pot and pans on my registry) and another bag that has a 3 piece towel set inside. I was thinking that it was another gift from our registery, and then she says, "These towels are for you to bring with you when you come to the lake cottage and then take with you when you leave so you won't dirty our towels". WTF?!? I sat there thinking what the hell do I say to that? The thing is, my fiancee owns an equal share in the cottage and pays his part of the mortgage each month. And this woman has the nerve to give us towels to use when we visit a home in which he is a part owner? :mad:

She says nothing to us the rest of the night. The next morning, before she leaves for her trip down to Hilton Head, she barges into our room and wakes us from a dead sleep and tells us how inconsiderate we are for not putting up all pictures of our family on our website and that her friends have been calling her and wondering why my fiancee's sister isn't on the site yet! This is ridiculous because there aren't any other siblings on the site yet! She saids her daughter cried and felt like she wasn't important enough to be on the site. :rolleyes: So my fiancee gets up out of bed and tells her that this comment is not appropriate. She freaks out on him and tells him she has been a mother to him and that he is just a selfish jerk. Several other things were said concerning how we are handling our plans, and several other snide comments were made to my fiancee.

So now my fiancee is so pissed that he wants to tell her she cannot attend the wedding. Needless to say, he says we are never going there with her behaving this way toward me and him. Frankly, I have grown to intensely dislike this woman, and I am trying to figure out a way to keep her out of the loop. Unfortunately, there are things like our at home reception that she thinks she will be helping my mom with, as well as a bridal shower. I don't want to be anywhere near this woman. How do I extricate myself from this??

I can’t think of anyone I know who has not had some problems with their relatives when planning their wedding. It seems to be part of the wedding process:). I do feel for you though, because this sounds very unpleasant indeed.

I got married just before Christmas. My wife and I had always intended to get married on a particular beach in Hawaii and that was what we did. My mother-in-law was very unhappy about it and we had three months of being steadily ground down by the negativity. It didn’t make sense to me, because my wife had been married before I thought that they would welcome a low key second wedding. My mother-in-law started off by trying to make us feel guilty about who wouldn’t be attending. Then she moved onto presenting us with information from a weather site that indicated the weather wouldn’t be very good. She moved from this to complaining that the Hyatt ‘isn’t the hotel it once was’. Towards the end in desperation she started making an issue of her grandsons (my step sons) spending Christmas Day away from home and then topped it off by saying it was irresponsible for us to get on a plane with a baby (my daughter was only 3 months old when we married).

To a large extent, our salvation was a long and difficult conversation with my mother-in-law. We talked through her behaviour and the impact it was having on us. We explained why we wanted the wedding we did, until she understood. She also had the chance to talk through her issues with our arrangements. It was quite sad really. The outcome was that we agreed that she and my father-in-law could turn their annual new years eve party into a party for us and she got on board with the wedding in Hawaii as we wanted it. She stuck to her word.

So after rambling on, my advice would be to try and grasp the nettle and have a discussion soon with your prospective mother-in-law. You don’t want what will be some of the happiest memories in your life spoilt because of petty behaviour. If she can’t get on board and be happy for her son and yourself then she doesn’t deserve to be there.

I wish you well.

W

Fortunately...
 

in my situation it didnt happen, mainly because Debbie's family bitched/whined about us (At the time) being together and not married - so when they made a 'loud-mouthed' offer that they would pay for our wedding "we" (Being the pricks that we were/are and will forever be) hit 'em up on it, Hehehehe :D

Ah, the memories of the honeymoon at the car-wash - such nostalgic thoughts... :laugh:

i had a similar situation as you~ i had a destination wedding also & everyone was fine w/ the accomodations, ways of getting there...~

but my mil (may she rip) was adamant about staying in our honeymoon suite~ she thought since we had been together for 7 years, that there was no need for a honeymoon night & she wanted to sleep in the same room w/ us~ she also said & did alot of the same things that your fmil did~ but the room thing finally pissed the hubz off so badly that he told her not to come~ i know that it sounds harsh, but you'd have to know my mil~ we even offered to pay for the suite next to ours, that had an ajoining door so she could feel close to us & we could have some privacy & that wasn't good enough for her~

just remeber it's your day, don't let her or anyone or anything else ruin it for you~ on this day it's ok for it to be all about you, those are perks of being the bride~

sounds to me as if she is jealous & doesn't know how to conduct herself, but hurting you w/ things she says is so uncalled for~ no matter how much you want to get mad w/ her, i say showing her that she isn't upsetting you would prolly bother her more than anything~ i also say kill her w/ kindness, sometimes it's very hard, but take the high road, you will feel great about yourself & how you handled things/her~

i have to wish you the best on your upcoming wedding~ i have been w/ my hubz for 22 years, married 16 in may~ & i love him more than ever~

Mad4Stevie--

Geez, what a nightmare.

She sounds like a typical female going through menopause...catty, cutting, conniving, bitchy, and a control freak. Add to that, that she used to be an elementary teacher. (I used to be a high school teacher. Talking to an elementary teacher was difficult. They talked to me like I was a second grader.) Maybe this is her approach?

My mother-in-law is a former farm housewife. No matter what I cook, how I clean, or what I do, it's never good. Add to that, that the whole family is Catholic and I am not.

It takes years of patience and practice....and a vow that you will never be like her.

As for dealing with her? Don't. Make your own plans.

I tried the "suck up approach", it failed miserably....and it made her think she was all-powerful....and she respected me even less.

Sometimes it takes the brutually honest approach. Sure feelings will be hurt, and God knows, how much of it will sink in...but the ground rules are laid. It took me damn near 10 years to do it, so don't wait as long as I did.

You don't have to live with her...or see her on a daily basis, nor do you live in the same town as she does. Do your own thing and make your plans. Try to keep yourself happy and positive.

She doesn't pay rent, so don't let her in your head.

Not meaning to hijack a thread --

Congratulations StewMatthews (Will) on the marriage and the new daughter!

I'd send a PM or an E-mail but it won't let me. :distress:

Congrats on your wedding! Yes, the destination wedding route guarantees a good bit of criticism about who won't be there, etc. She did that to us, too. However, I don't think she has the maturity or ability to listen to us if we tried to talk directly with her. She never accepts responsibility or apologizes. She is always defensive, even when she has no reason to be. It is exhausting just dealing with that, let alone her other rude behavior.

That thing about the honeymoon suite is VERY weird. How uncomfortable!!

I think there is jealousy on a lot of levels. And when it comes to that, nothing I can do will change her behavior. So I will take the high road and not stoop to her level.

That is great that your marriage is so solid - my parents are still married and in love after 37 years!

She does talk to everyone like they are an idiot, just as if she is talking to a class of 8 year olds. Even her voice drives me batty. It is whiny.

And the whole family is Catholic, too. On both sides. I am not, and thankfully my fiance is not a practicing Catholic and would never force me to convert or even demand that we get married in a Catholic church, which was another problem that this monster had with our plans. How dare we get married on a beautiful beach overlooking the carribean and the mountains and not in a church. Please!!

wow, all these sounds so familiar to me. my aunt (my uncle's wife) is exactly like that. she does nothing during the day, but to spend my uncle's money (he's a top executive and earns a lot of money per month).

everytime she comes home...it's a nightmare. she complains about everything, food, christmas presents, everything. this year it was that we didn't celebrate christmas very much, so instead of having a xmas meal we had a normal one. she can't understand that my 80-year grandmother is devastated because her sister had just day a week before and was not very keen on doing anything "happy". plus, she doesn't stop whining about how tired she is (and she only works an hour per day!!).
today we found out she had bought my uncle a new bicicle...with what money? (she hasn't own savings) with the euros my poor grandma gave her daughters for christmas. I remember one day it was the top of the tops. she began to say my grandma hadn't cooked enough food (what she indirectly meant was: this lady is too old and she is not capable anymore, which offend us so much). since I didn't want to eat anymore, I asked her if she wanted to eat my prawns (which I hadn't touch). she said: what? I don't want your nasty leftovers!!! i just had to go, I would have poured my glass of water on her face.

the only thing I can tell you, heather, is that, at least, your fianceé sees whats happening. my uncle doesn't, he is just like blinded by her giant boobs! :D

good luck, loads of patience and congratulations for your wedding. maybe the key is to act cold to her, putting some distance, and letting her know that the one who rules here is you.

Having just got married myself....I can say this. The wedding is about YOU, YOUR HUSBAND, and the Union (before God?). Okay? It's not about everybody else. It's hard to please everyone, and you just have to come to terms with the fact that everyone will not be happy. But they'll get over it. At best, the whole event will last what? 4 hrs? 5 hrs? It will go by EXTREMELY fast. It'll be the next morning and you'll be saying "Man...that was quick!"

My own mother acted like a total tard before the wedding...almost as much drama as you listed above about your step mother. In truth, i never would have "un-invited" her, but I just assume that she had never been there. If I were you, I'd have your hubby to be have a chat with her about her behavior.

Leave the "step mom" out of any of the planning and do not ask her for help in ANY WAY.

And all that BS about the dresses is just that. BS! We had varying "sizes" of girls as bridesmaids, and they all wore the same color dress and similar style. They can work with body styles at Alfred Angelo! It's not that hard. HA!

honestly? the step mom induced headache will not be worth it. I'm a firm believer in cutting someone out of your life (as much as you may love them) if they are a negative & hurtful influence.

This thread reminds me that I will always have a job. ;)

What an ugly situation ... I really hope all this works out for you. It's your day and it will be the best day of your life! :nod: