The Ledge - Fleetwood Mac inspired hearing aids and walkers

Chose a cool hearing aid and sexy walker to rock on
By IAN GILLESPIE

This week, my habitual state of irritation, annoyance and incessant itching was temporarily relieved by news manufacturers have started selling "cool" and "hip" hearing aids to nearly-deaf baby boomers.

Available in various colours and patterns -- including lipstick red, fluorescent orange and leopard-skin print -- the "sexy" hearing aids are aimed at aging boomers who, during their youth, damaged their hearing by listening to loud music (particularly the 17-minute version of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly on headphones).

It's estimated that one in six boomers suffers from hearing loss. (And it's likely that three of the remaining five boomers forgot to get their hearing checked, while the other two just don't like what they hear anymore and want to keep it that way.)

Aware that old and uncool boomers are terrified of looking old and uncool, one manufacturer is marketing the devices as "not your grandfather's hearing aid."

"It's about self-expression," said Tom Powers, a spokesperson with Siemens Hearing Instruments.

Frankly, I think it's about "hearing." But as we all know, "self-expression" was big with baby boomers, even if those expressions were largely limited to wearing tacky tie-dye T-shirts and doing bad imitations of Cheech and Chong.

As an aging boomer myself, however, I welcome any chance to remain hip and cool well into my late 50s and 60s. Beyond that, I'll gladly trade "hip and sexy" for "conscious and partially responsive."

But hearing aids are just the tip of the iceberg. I envision an entire line of health products aimed at boomers who, despite the findings of science and full-length mirrors, still cling to the belief they're cool.

Here then, is a partial list of hip health products for aging baby boomers:

* Crutches and Canes: Choose from a large selection of adjustable crutches and canes, including formal, casual and really stoned. (The really stoned models feature hollow handles that are perfect for stashing a few joints or Viagra pills.)

* Wi-Fi Walkers: Constructed from sexy carbon-fibre and featuring a macrame-cover charting the tangled sexual liaisons of Fleetwood Mac, these rockin' walkers allow you to cruise the sidewalk while surfing the Net. Combining wireless technology with the peace-of-mind that comes from knowing you won't fall down (although curbs can be tricky), the Evolution XX Wi-Fi Walker features an iPod hook-up, Bluetooth headset and a state-of-the-art GPS so you can find your way home. seat

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* Scooters: Equipped with the Tough-Torque suspension for extreme off-road adventures, Keep on Truckin' personal scooters are a declaration of freedom, independence and the fact you can't walk five paces without feeling chest pains.

* Stair Lifts: Featuring a foldable footrest and head-banger headrest, the Led Zeppelin Lift allows you to glide to the second floor while grooving to a bootlegged version of Stairway to Heaven. Because remember: You stop rockin', you die.