Opening Blather
A few days ago, AOL published their list of the 111 Wussiest Songs of All Time. Now, I don’t normally consider AOL an authority on anything except random crashes, horrific connection times, and spending an entire minute loading a 5 kb txt file. That's why I haven't used it since 2000. But their latest music editorial raises an interesting question. Just what qualifies as “wussy” music?
Some would say that anything that doesn’t make your ears bleed isn’t “real” music. I’ll set my sights lower. Hair metal bands doing power ballads? That’s wussy. Just about everything they play on our local “light” station? Wussy. And if it’s not wussy, boring. Whatever’s on those hundreds of ancient records in the Salvation Army 50 cent bin, usually named something like “Reflections on A Sunlit World,” with a soft-focused picture of a sensitive 30ish man with huge sideburns, at peace in the forest, on the cover? I don’t want to know.
Obviously, I haven’t subjected myself to all 111 songs, so I’ll stick to commentating on the songs I’ve heard, or just the artist in general. Be careful, waves of Velveeta are coming your way!
The Songs
110. Terry Jacks - Seasons In The Sun A typical early 70s sunshine song. I’m sure there’s more than 109 songs out there wussier than it. Ironically, this is one of the songs that drove Kurt Cobain to depression and suicide. Did he ever read his own lyrics? Yikes!
108. Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight Much like Leather and Lace (or at least the version with Stevie Nicks’s backup singers doing harmony), this is one of the few sappy love songs I actually like. Okay, it’s been overplayed, it’s plodding, and Clapton’s way over his head here. But it’s a real nice song to fall asleep to.
104. Bruce Springsteen - Dancing in the Dark Isn’t it ironic that he wrote this song about his writer’s block? It’s too darn upbeat, and the synthesizers drag it down. No wonder most of Springsteen’s serious fans don’t particularly care for Born in the USA.
100. Cutting Crew - Died in Your Arms Tonight Typical mid-80s “my girlfriend left me and now I’m sad” breakup power ballad. Ho-hum.
98. Phil Collins - Against All Odds What happened to Phil Collins anyway? He was a great drummer, then Peter Gabriel left Genesis. He made some great pop songs in the early 80s, then went downhill since. He’s made a career out of being not as good as Peter Gabriel, and I can’t walk into a grocery store without hearing one of his smarmy ballads. Ugh.
94. Silly Love Songs - Paul McCartney Very ironic, Paul.
84. Crash - Dave Matthews Band I used to really love the Dave Matthews Band. My mother said it used to be my favorite band. Then something flipped inside of me and now they bore me. That seems to happen a lot.
74. I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner I hate this song with every fiber of my being. I shrivel with embarrassment every time I hear the smallest snippet of it. It’s overblown, cloying, and pretty much destroyed any chance of Foreigner rising above a punch line. We Are The World beats it in the subtlety department. And a gospel choir? Give me a break!
71. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls I was going through a rough time last year, and song used to have great meaning to me. Now that I’ve recognized how pompous the whole thing is, I can’t listen to it anymore.
65. Our House - CSNY Seriously, did they write this song on the back of a piece of toilet paper? Nice harmonies and all, but writing a song about how nice your domestic life is like writing a song about going to the Laundromat or standing in line at a drug store.
59. Someone Saved My Life Tonight - Elton John You know, for being such a sensitive songwriter, Elton John can be a raging assbasket in real life. I wish his music would reflect his schizophrenic, passive-aggressive personality more often. It’d be confusing and annoyingly jarring but fun nonetheless.
55. (Everything I Do) I Do It for You - Bryan Adams Another sappy love song I can tolerate, but not the kind of thing I’d go out of my way to listen to. Reminds me of Kevin Costner’s horrific ‘English’ accent, something I’d love to forget.
50. I’m In You - Peter Frampton He’s in me?! Is he going to burst out of my chest while I'm eating supper? Anyway, why was Peter Frampton so good live, but so stultifying average in the studio? Never could figure that out.
39. With Arms Wide Open - Creed Creed. If the word alone causes fits of incredulity, I need not say anything more.
36. Beth - Kiss Spectacular stage pyrotechnics! Satanic lyrics! Clown makeup! Sensitive? Better luck next time.
33. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion Kill it, kill it, kill it! I became sick of this song by February 1998, around the 1,500,000th time I’d heard it. The only thing about Titanic I hated more than the tacked-on love story. My mom thinks I’m a heartless bastard for hating Titanic, but at least books about the Titanic don’t remind me of a French-Canadian Avon Lady/Corpsicle.
29. Muskrat Love - America I would have preferred Preying Mantis Love, or perhaps Giant Squid Love. Real savage-like!
24. All Outta Love - Air Supply What kind of band does nothing but sappy love songs? Were they contractually obligated? Shockingly, there are 23 songs out there wussier than anything Air Supply ever did. God help us.
23. Your Body Is a Wonderland - John Mayer John Mayer’s ode to cannibalistic candy sex is one of the most disturbing pop songs of the last decade. I know the act of making love is way messier than they show in the movies, but if I'm gonna be covered in melted chocolate and gummed up in my partner it's just not worth it.
14. Dear Mama - Tupac Is this one of the songs he recorded after he died?
12. Tell Me Why - Backstreet Boys Seven years later and I still can't walk into a grocery store without hear this. Actually, I can't differentiate between any of the late 90s boys bands, so maybe I should just give up.
4. You're Beautiful - James Blunt I've never managed to hear this entire thing, but I can glue together an accurate facsimile of it from the parts I have heard. It's cloying and I'm sick of it. James Blunt sounds like Rod Stewart after taking a hit of helium. Another ugh.
1. Shiny Happy People - R.E.M. Actually, I probably would have picked Everybody Hurts, if only because of the first time I heard it. While I was on vacation at a small camp with my mom and sister, everybody decided to turn on their radios one night. I remember hearing Arthera Franklin's Respect, the Talking Head's Once In a Lifetime, some upbeat dance song, and somewhere off in the distance, an occasional whiny cry of "Evvvvvveerybody Hurrrrrrrtts...Sooooommeetimes!" The juxtaposition was just too much. To this day that song elicits laughter rather than tears.
Closing Blather
Well, that's my commentary on AOL's list of the 111 wussiest songs ever written. Can't say I disagree with any of their choices, though I probably would have shuffled the list a little bit. I'm happy to say that I've only heard about a third of the songs on their list, and I'm perfectly happy pretending that the other two-thirds don't exist. Yes, I have some rather shameful guilty pleasures, but I, like everyone, has a limit that can be pushed.
In the meantime, listen to what you like and don't let anyone hold you down. Music is an expression of one's personal feelings - even if it induces nausea in the listener. Also, stay away from grocery stores and Top 40 stations.
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