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Daily Jokes
A little fun every day - hope everyone is up for this!
The sillier, cornier, and smuttier the better! But no filth or offensiveness please! ;) I'll start us off gently:- Q. Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkled? A. Because if he was small, white and smooth he would be an aspirin! Q. Why do elephants paint their toe nails red? A. So they can hide in cherry trees! I'm sure y'all can do better than this! |
Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!
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Two potatoes are standing on the street corner....
Do you know how you can tell which one is a prostitute? The one that says, "I da ho!!!" |
Two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducked.
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How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its titalot! |
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
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Q. What did the Hurricane say to the Palm Tree?
A. Hang onto your nuts, this is no ordinary Bl*w Job! :sorry: Please don't suspend me! |
A man fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
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I think Bee's winning so far for the corniest! :laugh:
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Normal people don't usually like musician jokes, but:
Do you know the difference in a banjo, and a trampoline? You take off your shoes, to jump on a trampoline!:D ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The last words ever spoken on Earth? Did you see the banjo player's new Porsche? |
Ok ok, my bro told me this one
What do the Australian aborigine's and Yoko Ono have in common? They both live off dead Beatles! Mick |
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It was scientifically proven that only 5% of the world's population can give the correct answer in under a minute.
Say the opposite of these words: Always Coming From Take Me Down Are you in the 5%? |
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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream." She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?" I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst m a s t u r b a t i n g?" _______________________________ What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologize. _______________________________ As a young boy I was concerned with the Earth, how we were damaging it with pollution. I was worried for the welfare for all the endangered species, how we were eradicating whole species with every skyscraper we built or every gas-guzzling car that was made. I feared for poor, underprivileged children in far away countries that didn't have clean water and were dying of horrible diseases. Then I discovered wanking. |
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A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
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Groan......
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Three men walk into a bar. One of them does something stupid and it all unfolds into a tedious inevitability.
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William Shakespeare walks into a pub.
Barman says "I'm not serving you, you're barred" |
Q: What do you call Irish outdoor seating?
A: Pati O'Furniture omg total corn --------- Q: What do you call a tiny motorist? A: Minnie Driver |
A blond was driving down the freeway searching for the amusement park. She saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left," and so she went home.
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A blonde is having problems with her BMW. So she takes to a mechanic.
The mechanic takes a look at it and says "I see the problem-just crap in the carburator". The blonde says "How often do I have to do that"?! |
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a big pile of leaves with the wind blowing?
Russel |
What do you call a guy with a spade on his head?
Doug! What do you call a guy without a spade on his head? Douglas! |
What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head?
Cliff! |
What do you call a guy on the wall?
Art! What do you call a guy on your front steps? Matt! In the pool? Bob! |
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On a piece of paper? Mark! In a flowerbed? Pete! |
What do you call a Nun sitting on top of a Washing Machine?
Sister Matic! |
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The doctor says to his patient: "I've got some bad news, and I've got some worse news"!! The patient said oh no, what's the bad news? The Doctor said you got 24 hours to live! The patient said what the hell is the worse news?? ;) :] :thumbsup: :eek: :D :lol: :p :eek: The Doctor said I tried to reach you yesterday!! |
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"Can you drink with that"?
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Snow White's dwarfs are all in the bath feeling happy.
Happy got out so they all felt grumpy. :D |
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
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What concert can you attend for forty five cents?
50 cent with Nickelback |
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