Debate of Age Differences in A Relationship
 

Hey all:

I'm always thinking about this. It's something very nebulous, yet it seems as though it very much can dictate who we end up with. When I was in high school, of course I was in choir (as almost everyone was), and the teacher always had the debate of whether or not Freshman should date Seniors. He was very conservative, and was very adamant about his opposition, and I pretty much felt the same way- primarily because Seniors and Freshman in high school are at COMPLETELY different places in their lives. However, at what point in life is that 3 year age difference not potentially considered inappropriate? Know what I mean? We always hear about couples with big age differences. My dad (while still legally married to my mom) has "adopted" another family, where the mother is 10 years younger than he is, but they've worked together off and on for years. GRANTED, the thing is completely inappropriate in EVERY way, the age difference I don't necessarily feel is one of them.

It's just an interesting thing I've been thinking about, because back in high school, there was just a decent amount of proposition to Seniors dating Freshman, but eventually, we all get older, and start seeing these people in a different light.

I was at the neighborhood pool today, which was FANTASTIC! Awhile after I'd been there, an old friend of my sister's sat next to me, and we started talking. She's five months younger than my sister, who is 2 years 11 months younger than me. My sister is graduating high school this year, and this particular girl is a junior. No, I'm not interested in getting together with her per say, but it just got me thinking about the age difference thing, and circumstance. I've known this girl for pretty much as long as we've lived in the neighborhood, so around 10 plus years or so. In the back of my mind, I still hear Mr. Weaver's Freshman and Seniors=NO speech, and it kind of made me laugh. Here is this beautiful girl, and we're talking, and I'm here kind of pondering this age difference thing (she would be even one year younger than the Freshman vs. Senior thing).

ANYWAY, what is your experience with age differences in relationships? Kind of an interesting thing!

I think maturity is the real issue, not so much age. Because maturity is so important, that's why it might be weird for a freshman in HS to date a senior. Everyone is at different maturity levels...I'm 19 and mature for my age. I always have been. My girlfriend is only 2 months older than I am, and she is also very mature for her age, and always has been. If she was still my age, but much more immature, I don't think there would be any attraction. I think maturity really encompasses a lot of your behavior, ways of thinking, etc. So when the maturity levels are different, at least from my perspective, it wouldn't work. Not for me in relationships, at least. I think that may be the same for others. I also don't see how I could be in a relationship with someone with political views far different than mine, or someone who was extremely religious. Opposites don't always attract. That's a common saying, but often times couples have more in common with each other.

The age doesn't really matter, it's how you act.

Age differences between teenagers/adolescents and age differences between adults are really different situations. A 16-year old dating a 13-year old is not the same thing as a 30-year old dating a 40-year old.

As far as age differences between adults, I don't think it's anyone's place to make judgments, mainly because I think adults can do whatever the hell they want in these matters and it's nobody else's business. When I was 25, I dated a guy who was 49. No, it didn't work out, but I'm glad I had the experience.

I've heard that the younger partner should be at least half the older partner's age + 7. So, an 18-year-old can date a 16-year-old, and a 30-year-old can date a 22-year-old.
Generally, I think that's a decent rule of thumb, though relationships can certainly work outside those limits--my own parents started dating when my mother was 17 and my father 24, and they're still married. Everyone approaches relationships differently, and some young people are remarkably mature. I try not to judge because it's impossible to see inside any relationship, but a particularly large age gap can force a problematic power dynamic.

I've learned (or adapted) to this over the years... if person A is 18 or older and person B is 18 or older? Whatever man. An 18 year old woman can date a 50 year old rooster if she wants to. Sure we'll all stare and look and go "Eww" but hey, to each their own.

Some guys like being sugar daddies. And there are sugar mamas. Nothing wrong with that. I dated an 18 year old Malaysian girl when I was 27... and people would stare at us all the time because she looked 16. :lol:

My boyfriend is two years younger than me (he's 24). We've been together since high school. It has not been perfect, we can fight like a couple of maniacs, but we also have never cheated on each other, and that's really my true deal breaker.

Ultimately, it depends on the individuals.

However, as a someone who teaches college, I am generally not a fan of the "date someone from back home" thing. It's either the student is pining away for their hometown honey, or they feel guilty for having fun without them. :shrug:

My boyfriend is 11 years older than me, and we've been together for 5 years. I ceaselessly joke about him robbing the cradle with me, but the age difference just works for us. We've never fought, and just enjoy spending time with each other. Before my current guy, I was pretty much a serial dater. I always dated people within a year of my age, but never dated anyone very long. I guess looking back, I've never even really kept friends my own age either. So I don't know why I never tried dating outside of my own age until later. All I know is that the age difference works for us. We seem to balance each other out in the good and bad ways.

So the morale of the story is: if you're feeling the connection with someone who's younger or older, give it a shot! You never know if it might be the best thing in the world for you if you don't try! :)

When I was 17/18 dating a 25-year-old, I would have told you that age doesn't matter and that it's all about how old a person thinks/behaves. Now that I'm almost thirty, I would tell my 17-y-o self to dump that guy and find someone my own age because we were so very different. I had a diploma and he had bills to pay.


It's all about life experience to me. At this point, there's no real difference between me and someone ten years older because I'm almost thirty. I have a real job and a house and am definitely a real adult. I met a great guy a few months ago who turned out to be 24. Uh, those are five big years. He had recently graduated, was looking for work, was living with a bunch of his buddies... Lasted three dates. I think an age gap is tougher for the older partner because they realize it exists more than the younger partner.

There is six years between my wife and myself. We started dating when she was 18 and I was 24, in fact I met her just before she turned 18 although we didn't date until a couple of months later.

It has never been an issue between us, although her father did write nasty emails to me because he felt she was too young. As a result she hasn't seen him for over 12 years...

Seems to have worked OK for LB and KB ;)

I completely agree. My last girlfriend was 18 years older than me, 42 when I was 25, and over the course of our relationship the age difference did become an issue on a few ocassions. However, we were together for 18 months and whenever it did become a problem we worked to resolve it.

However, it came down to the fact that we were at different places in our lives. She couldn;t get over the fact that when I wanted children in the next few years they may not be possible due to her age. I'm over-simplifying here because any break-up has a multitude of issues, but I couldn't convince her that she would be enough for me. She just said "It's ok for you to say that, you;re 25 and might want children in 10 years". I acknowledged that yes, I might, but I knew what I was getting into when starting a relationship with an older woman. This situation came back time and time again and the relationship slipped into constant reassurance, which is a death knell because you end up resenting it because the other person just. won't. believe you.

I'm by no means saying age gap relationships can;t work. Thecan. It depends entirely on the people involved.

I couldn't figure out who to quote, but Louie's comes closest.....almost two years ago(at 40yo, for me...), I started dating a 22yo. Yeah,..... looking back it looks like a mistake. And I was fired from the relationship then, only for the age difference.

Well, I got an email, last Nov, about....regrets, and such, and we've been SLOWLY working things out, since then. And for the past few months, everything that we ever felt ~should be~, is happening.

I just want to give some people hope, to not give up.

And yeah, I (potentially) wasted almost two years of my life.... And for what? We're both in love now. With no regrets, or doubts about what's happening. It's the best place I've been in, forever...

I think once people are finished with school, the age difference doesn't matter as much. It's true that a lot of it depends on the maturity of the people involved. I've met men in their 40s who were less mature than I was in my teens!
I have almost always dated older men. Even in high school, I dated someone who was 25 when I was 17. Truly, he acted younger than I did! I was always really responsible and mature for my age.
I was 25 when I met my (now) husband. He is 13 years old than I am. We've been together for 11 years and I could not imagine anyone more perfect for me!

My late sister married her X .He was 9 years older then she was.

I think everyone knows my opinion on this :lol: But just in case, Alex said exactly what I would've said:



For me, this applies to an age gap of any size.

I love younger guys but the age difference has been an issue due to immaturity on their part. However I'm older now so younger guys theoretically should work.

A few years isn't a big deal except before age 18-21. Also, as others have said, based on where people are in their lives. Don't settle for someone who is behind you as they will drag you down as opposed to allowing you to lift them up. It just doesn't seem to work that way. If you feel attracted to someone you want to "help" run the other way!

I'm Cammie. I think that's Alex that you quoted.

Interesting convo!
 

Well, I'm a wierd case. LOL I just turned 35 a month ago and have been dating my boyfriend for the past year and 2 months. I say wierd because A. We are 16 years apart (he will be 51 this year) and B. He is the first man I've ever dated. Yes, really. LOL

He was nervous about asking me out because he didn't know how I'd feel about our age difference, but little did he know...I like 'em old. :laugh: Hehe. Just kidding, but I have always been attracted to older guys.

We don't really have issues with the age thing, but it's fun when we do the whole "When I was young...". ;) Even though we have some differences, we also have quite a bit in common and that may be due to my being an "old soul" of sorts.

If you are lucky enough in life to find someone you are crazy nuts about and they just happen to be quite a bit older or younger (but it's not illegal. LOL)....YAY YOU! :)

Being happy is most important.

It's weird how it's such an issue for some, and not an issue at all, for a few. And you being an "old soul"....see, I feel the opposite. I may be 42, but I honestly feel exactly as I did at 25.
I've been working on this relationship with the 24yo, for almost two years now(mostly it wasn't working, because of the age difference issue), and it just took time, and realizing that our connection was far deeper than the age issue, for it to be put to rest(I wasn't the one who got us back together, btw)
And it's AWESOME now. We're both in love, and I haven't been this happy in years.

But yeah, I occasionally get the "I was born, the year you graduated high school" comment. To which I respond, "yeah, well, so what?":wavey:

You know the sad thing? I totally knew that. I've talked to Alex before on Facebook. I'm STILL sleep deprived after my trip...

Yeah the guy I was dating loved to make comments like, "I was in diapers then" but sometimes they were a little meaner than that. The last time he said something mean about my age I let him have it. I just told him the age was his issue due to the ageism in the music business (which he is in) and he is already "old" because he is no longer 17, and one day he WILL look older than me. ;) He did not like any of that. Two wrongs don't make a right, perhaps I should have kept my mouth shut, but the look on his face was priceless. :shocked: I am finally over the age thing and am comfortable with where I am.

I'm really glad to see this is working for you and that you are happy!

I'm really happy for you, Christy. I can't believe you're only 5 years younger than me I always thought you were at least 10 years younger! Forever young, right? That's how I feel on the inside and I think it will always be this way.

Yes, ageism is usually youth based, although not always. I DO think that empathy and being considerate comes with age, because just like your partner, mine thinks that hurtful jabs are funny, when they usually aren't. I'm glad you let him have it!

Either you like ME for ME, and can let that stupid number go, or keep on walking......

Thank you. I've only put this much effort into a relationship, one other time in my life. Honestly, this feels like the best, most comfortable thing, that's ever happened in my life(yes, easy words I know, when one is in love). But I've almost always felt stressed out, and.....confined!, in other relationships. This one has space, and trust. :woohoo:

Awesome!
 

Thank you, Miss Suze! :) I thank my parents' genes for my appearance. I wish my grey hair would back off though, it's ruining my rep! :mad: LOL

Homer, I'm glad you are happy. :D

So were my friends who were there, thank you!

Right, he's walking and I just haven't let him keep going but it's time.

I'm glad it's working so well. This is encouraging!

My family has learned to accept my love for older men. My ex-husband was 11 years older than me. I was 20, he 31. When that didn't work out I went older, not on purpose but I like to joke about that. As of now I''m 26 and he is 48 and we have been together for a little over 3 years. We are like 2 peas in a pod. Love the same music, have the same views, movies, on and on....The kind of strange part is he is 2 years older than my dad. :lol:
It is about maturity. I can't imagine being with someone my age. It would be near impossible. BTW, we are engaged and plan on getting married later this year. Also, and no I don't have daddy issues. Some people like to ask me that.
If it works, it works.

Good luck with it.

For me, it took 9 months of zero contact, until I got an email last Thanksgiving, telling me that I'd been treated like sh*t, and deserved better, and that I was "the real deal". And we've moved slowly since then, gradually building a solid foundation.

I find it strange, that it took 9 months of separation, for the age issue to fall away. Nine months that were totally worth it!

I couldn't agree more with this post in every way. :thumbsup:

Thank you, Lord knows I need it!

This one may never wake up. He's 26 and never had a serious relationship.

The nice thing is she realized and then reached back out to YOU to work on things. The last man I was in love with learned this and used the knowledge in his next relationship. He was in one within 3 months of our breakup. I broke up with him because he kept making more and more excuses for not making time for me. He was pulling away and I pretty much just let him go.

I was still getting "just kidding" booty requests every once in a while via text up until just before he got married. They escalated at that time to a clear NOT kidding proposition. :rolleyes: Good luck to her. I'm glad he didn't come back to me.

Yeah I color my grays now, I just have too many! When I only had a few I highlighted my hair but that is too damaging so I do all over color now. This enhances my youthful glow. :lol:

I must have been on your mind, right? :lol:

Yeah that didn't work out so well, I texted him on Monday and we hung out. Woops.

I tend to be with the life stages camp on this one. Of course there are exceptions, but for the most part, a college student isn't in the right place to have a real relationship with someone who's spent a good deal of time in the "real world," just like a high school junior probably isn't in the right place to have a relationship with a college junior. I give a lot of credit to individual maturity levels, but life experience has to have a role, too.

But I'm a little bit of a hypocrite because I've been sitting on a 37 year old's number for two weeks now, and usually I delete anyone I don't intend to actually call within a day or two of meeting them. So eh :shrug: :laugh:

It sounds like a bone of contention. I wouldn't mind having that problem.:p

I guess I'm curious, as to the definition of "hung out"...:lol:

Some things are hard to let go.

Mine's been away at a conference at Notre Dame all weekend. 5 more hours to go! :blob2::blob2::blob2:

Thanks for that, it's true. We literally hung out on Mon at a club with another friend and watch the Bruins and the band. It was fun and then we had a date the next night at his place. I made us brownies and we had those hot with Ben and Jerry's half baked ice cream. But that wasn't the most decadent thing we had! ;)

Well said. I do feel that after age 25 or so (give or take a few years) you're pretty well developed psychologically, emotionally, intellectually, etc. At that point, go ahead & date an 80 year old if you want. :shrug: Not YOU, Marissa. I mean, unless you want to. :laugh:

My husband is 13 years my junior. We met when he was 23 and I was 36 and he pursued me relentlessly despite all my worries and objections and hesitations.

This year will mark our tenth wedding anniversary. Best caving in I ever did :)

Congrats on your successful relationship! :angel: