Parents
 

I didnt ask before, since I wasnt sure if it was suitable to pose such questions here... but i figured Ledgies dont refrain from tackling some serious issues... and I'm curious to find out what you think.

I've been wondering... how much of one's struggles and problems can be traced back to childhood, particularly one's relationship with parents?

I've always struggled with self-esteem issues (and everything related to them: insecurity, difficulties with trust and confidence in relationships), and it sometimes haunts my thoughts, whether it's just the way I'm "programmed" or something more. My parents were by no means abusive, but neither were/are particularly emotional or supportive. On the other hand - many people I know have similarly "neutral" parents, and they "came out fine", or even self-confident.

Is/Was there anything problematic in your personality that you feel might have to do with they way your parents raised you up?

My mom used to be a huge push over and you could get her to do anything, so me and my siblings would give her a hard time. Then she got a man and got kind of strict, but anyway. Because I used to get whatever i wanted, in the real world I would get very upset when I didn't get what i wanted. Eventually I grew up and realized you have to work hard in order to get what you want. Once in a while I still get upset when I don't get what I want and I blame it on my Mom, but it's rare now, I'm more down to earth now :thumbsup:

I definitely didn't have the best parental relationship. My mom is the type who (to this day) thinks she has to be right about everything. She rarely looks at anyone else's side.
My dad was (is) an alcoholic and he and my mom fought constantly. My dad was mostly a user. He'd only spend time with me if it was a cover for something else that he really wanted to do. That way, it would look as if he spent the day doing something worthwhile.
My mom was a very angry person after they divorced because my father took almost no responsibility for raising us and rarely paid child support. She took most of that anger out on me, to the point of being physically and mentally abusive. I was so happy to leave home!
I don't have the best self esteem in the world. It isn't all the fault of my parents, but they certainly didn't help. I live hundreds of miles away from my parents now. I haven't seen my father in at least 5 years. I see my mom a couple of times a year.
Seeing how they treated each other and their children and seeing their actions taught me what Not to do in my marriage and how Not to treat my son. I am so glad that I learned from their mistakes.

Yes, I think it often comes back to that, completely. You just do the best you can with however it all went, I guess.

I have my own problems but none of them could be attributed to my parents. I was depressed for years because nobody wanted a relationship with a handicapped boy. Again though not my parents fault. They're wonderful. Obviously I don't tell them everything. They know nothing of my 8 year depression, but again all my choice. All the problems I had.......It was all me. Love my parents.:nod:

Mick

I think it's pretty safe to say most everyone has traumatic events from their childhood that cause them to act differently as adults. I know for the first half of my childhood things were pretty crazy. My parents went through a violent divorce when I was between the ages of 3 & 4; and my Mother, Father, & Stepfather were all drug addicts/alcoholics. My Mom and Stepdad finally got their act together when I was 10; but my Father's addiction claimed him when I was 13 (he was murdered by a drug dealer). Interestingly enough, I rebelled from all the insanity by being a model child: I made good grades, never got into trouble, was respectful to elders, I didn't have my first drink until I was 22, I never took up smoking, have kept away from drugs, was the first in my extended family to graduate from college, etc.

I think the only real downside per se from my parents insanity when I was a kid is that I can be quite emotionally distant. Especially when things get unpleasant, I seem to just totally shut down my emotions and go into "safe mode." For instance, I've yet to cry when someone I know dies, I tend to cut people out of my life who are a constant source of drama, I don't rely on others for emotional support, stuff like that. Apparently all of this is quite common in children of addicts; it's a defense mechanism. Because of all of this my Mother has often accused me of being cold and uncaring.

For instance, my younger brother is a violent addict who can be quite sweet and charming during his brief dry-out spells. Because of years of complete insanity from my brother, I keep him at a very far distance in my life. This absolutely infuriates my Mother, because she thinks I should be there trying to help him straighten out his life, and should be more supportive and involved during his clean spells. But I just can't have my Brother in my life; he's a human tornado who just rips everyone to pieces who is nearby. I won't enable him by cleaning up his messes, I won't allow him to treat me poorly, and I won't pretend to forget the things he's done to my parents and I. My brother is emotionally dead to me, and I've even found myself praying for his death just so he'll stop hurting the world.

Anyway, life is what you make of it, though. I've chosen to take all the bad things that have happened to me and tried to glean life lessons from them. I think creating positive from negative is one of the most beautiful things you can do in life. For instance, I just don't know how much I'd be able to appreciate beauty and kindness and it's depth without having experienced some of the unsavory things I have. Since my brother likes to steal and leach from so many, I try to volunteer and give back to worthy causes. I see so many hateful, rude, unkind people in the world... so I make it a point to smile at strangers and say hello. The world is what we make of it... so why not make it happy and beautiful?

My issues of being an inscure mess I doubt had anything to do with my parents, but I do feel that came from my mom (and just about every other woman in my family), who all worry too much, but that's what you get from Jewish motherhood lol. The only negative trait I can think of that I got from my upbringing is being self-centered at times, but that probably came from being a spoiled only child.

I never knew any of this, Louie. I'm glad I do now.

This is in interesting question for me because I'm in the process of walking way from "childhood" and into adulthood. I have no idea what I'll be like in 10 or 20 years but I already know that I've been emotionally unattached to my parents for years now and yet they've still affected me DRAMATICALLY.

My mom modeled in everything from Playboy to Versace ads. I had a LOT of pressure growing up to model, too, so I did. I modeled from birth (I was a Gerber baby) until I was 13, modeling as an adult for makeup and fashion designers. I had been fighting the urge to pick up an eating disorder since I was around 9 and my mom didn't help-- she put me in ballet classes which obviously made it much worse, and she'd make her own comments about how I wasn't "runway worthy." So I told her to STFU when I was thirteen and I quit. I was pretty much anorexic for a while and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. So I stopped ballet and modeling and told my parents to use my modeling money for horseback riding lessons :) However, this mentality is FAR from gone for me.... I'm completely paranoid about what I look like at all times. I never leave my room without wearing cute clothes and having my hair and makeup done, I need male reassurance to feel half-decent about myself.... and I feel like these things come from the pressure I had growing up to be an archetype.

Also, my mom is bipolar and, as her psychologist once said (she refuses to see a psychiatrist after the bipolar diagnosis), she as "schizophrenic tendencies." My dad's an alcoholic. This combination lead to some not-so-fun childhood memories, so I lived somewhere else for a year until they kinda figured their **** out. I'm really independent because I had to be. I have a love/hate relationship with alcohol and any other type of drug. I desperately want to trust people but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm petrified of being a parent. For me, I think it all ties back to my parents.

Were you living with them or around them during those 8 years? I can't imagine they didn't notice. I have been working with individuals with medical concerns and many parents are so concerned about meeting their childs medical needs that they do not consider their mental health needs.

I have no medical concerns but my parents say they never noticed my depression. I just can't imagine how they could not have...I was skinny as a rail and looked a hot mess. Of course they noticed when I got into trouble but that happened when I was technically a grown up. I didn't blame my parents at first and I don't blame them now but there was a period of time I was really pissed that they didn't assume some responsibility for what happened to me. After all, they "raised" me.

Ya see, a lot of really bad things happened when I was about 12. That was also the time when I started having changes in my body and what not. I felt like it was so obvious that I was screwed up. So fast forward about 8 years and there I am with handcuffs on. I'm just thinking I'm a cute little hippie girl who likes to smoke, and drink, and do a few other things. My family just went on and on about how they couldn't believe I made such poor choices and that I should have known better. How was I supposed to know better when I didn't have any role models? :shrug:

I had to learn the hard way but I feel like getting in trouble was some sort of divine intervention. There had to be some greater good out of getting arrested and losing one of my great loves to drugs.

What I learned after 10 years of therapy and a psychology degree (ha ha- wow, that makes it sound like I was really screwed up- maybe I'm still in denial) is that at some point you have to work through the past and live in the present and be all you can be. Based on my story and what others like Louie said it can go either way. People can say "oh I'm sure as heck not going to be like that" and actually keep history from repeating itself or they can be someone like me who only thought I wasn't going to have to go down the path I went. :distress:

Anywhos, to make a long story a littler less longer than it already is I'll just say that after all that I got it together. I'm making lemonade out of lemons. And it's good. :]

I was living with them. You see, I'm a really really REALLY good actor. in hindsight I should have gotten help. But i could not even think straight at that time. In public I was happy Mick. no one knew. In private I would stare at my wall. just miserable That's done though. I'm happy now. My wife helped. She was the only one I ever told.

Mick

Your wife must be a really special lady. Sometimes all it takes is a single connection with another person to make such a difference. Sounds like you found that connection. I'm glad you are happy now! I was lucky to have a special person in my life also. I often felt that she was the only person who truly believed in me. Not everyone has someone special. We are lucky peoples.

She is. She saved my life.

Mick

The fact that you are able to identify your feelings and have such insight into your parents and your past is going to help you more than you know. I can't tell you how many people I talk/work with who lack this ability. It doesn't mean that things are going to be easy though. I don't know you except from your posts but I am always touched by your ability to articulate your feelings. You seem to be a wise ol' owl...an old soul.

I hope you work through being petrified of being a parent...especially if you want to be one. I should have been petrified and still to this day don't know why I'm not. I screwed up A LOT but the one thing I feel that I'm doing right is raising my children. I didn't know how to be a mother but I learned and continue to learn.

One thing that has really been a struggle for me is a direct result of my mothers actions. Ya see, my mom always chose a man over her children. The woman has been married 10 times. She left me and my sister with our dads and moved far away and didn't see us for years. She started a new life and had new babies. She did this several times. She loves being in love or lust or whatever. How has that screwed me up? Well, I'm scared to death to fall for someone and possibly lose focus on my children and repeat history. That's why I'm single. That's also why I'm still in therapy. That's also why I'm working on a degree in counseling! Will my children need therapy? Yeah probably but guess what? They will have their very own live in therapist! ME! And I will drive them crazzzzyyy!

I couldn't agree more. A teacher has done this for me.

Thank you for saying this; it means a lot to me. I feel like I grew up really quickly and that's why I'm more mature... but it has it's negatives, too. I'm glad I come off that way to you.



This reminds me of something that I feel needs to be addressed in this thread-- parents can also influenced who we are not. If you grow up hating a certain characteristic or tendency of one of your parents, that awareness will probably translate to how you act; you'll avoid adapting that quality like it's a plague. I think that your awareness of what men did to your mother will keep you from changing your own priorities. It seems like a healthy fear to have to me. :thumbsup:

Like Dani, I'm in the transition from the adolescent stage to the adult stage but I can definitely say my parents have had a BIG effect on me. And not necessarily a positive one.

My Nana didn't help either. When I was little, my mum worked 9-6 and wasn't home to give my sister and I our evening meal or wake us for school etc etc. So my Nana looked after us until she was home from work. I dispise my Nana. If ever anything went wrong, it was my fault. When my mum got a sever illness (the first time round) she told her "I hope you don't make it through the operation" and she always said that if any of her sons (my dad and Uncle's) ever did what my granddad did to her, she'd disown them. However, when my dad did follow in his dad's footsteps, she welcomed him back to her house with open arms.

My dad is responsible for my lack of trust in men. I'm in no doubt about that. He's a controlling, abusive, lazy and greedy excuse for a human being. He accused my sister of stealing over £100 from him when in actual fact he had spent it on his girlfriend, with whom he was cheating on my mum. He physically abused my mum and mentally abused all three of us. When my mum kicked him out, I gave him a chance and I went to see him once a week but he did exactly what he did when he was at home; sat and grunted at me before leaving to see his girlfriend who had previously been a pupil at his driving school so she was at least 2o years his junior. He now lives in a house about 10 doors up from us with a new girlfriend who, again, is about 20 years his junior. I find that more than a little weird :confused: Time and time again, he has shouted to me as I've walked down the street asking why I won't speak to him.

My mum just gets on my nerves sometimes. She's sick right now, so sick she's been out of work for a year and is now registered partially sighted but we're still waiting for a real diagnosis. If there's one bad personality trait I've inherited from her, it's my inability to communicate and keep friends. She pushes people away and then cries because she doesn't socialise.

Because of this, I seek solace in strangers which is probably one of my most dangerous traits, but it helps me a lot. I'm a recluse and the only thing I truly find happiness in is Blondie. The music, the image, all of it. I don't socialise because I feel so different, which my mum encouraged all my life, my best friends live hundreds and thousands of miles away and the only company I have when I recoil into myself is my dog. I struggle in school because I can't concerntrate any more and I find it easier to communicate with people much much older than me.

/therapy

Sounds like you've had it really rough with your parents, ButterCookie. *hug* I understand what you mean by the strangers thing, sometimes they are the best people because they know nothing about you other than what you tell them, and they don't judge you like other people might. :)

I find it easier to communicate with people older than me as well, maybe not because of the same reasons as you, but I just can't do the whole girl thing with people my age because I feel like I'm interested in different things than they are. Such as music I listen to, book I read, and what I do on Friday nights. I have a lot of adult friends, it seems like their insight is the best. It's funny cause when I'm at a couple of my friends houses I will steal away and sit with my friend's Mom and just have a heart to heart.

I hope you have at least someone you can talk to, ButterCookie, keep you head up:)

My dad got my mum pregnant then left. He tried to be my dad for about a year when I was 7 but got bored of it and left again.

I don't miss him :woohoo:

My mum has been a terrible influence on me aswell and my granddad, they led me to believe for so many years that it was okay to look down on and insult other people, my grandma has always been nice but not loud enough to get by those other two. I now have a stepdad who never makes any effort to talk to me. The only thing that's stopped me becoming a horrible person is the influence my online friends have made on me for so long, in school I have a lot of "friends" but really only one that I think gives a crap about me. I'm still working on getting rid of the negative traits I picked up, I'm very lazy and have big confidence issues but it's hard when no one arounds me cares and spends more time wondering why I love music and my online friends more than anything else...

I consider myself very happy at the moment though, if only because I finally feel that there are some people that care about me, even if they are far away!

Georgie, you deserve to be as happy as can be, if you ever need me I'm always here, always willing to help in any of my own weird ways that I can :woohoo:

There are always questions about nature vs. nurture.. and probably not a lot of consensus even in the psychological community. There are studies that seem to provide evidence for and against both. I think most fair-minded people recognize each plays a significant role in molding who we become.

One of the things I've found to be insightful in my own life is the realization that it is not what happens/doesn't happen to us that really has an impact; it is what we tell ourselves about what happens/doesn't happen to us... the meaning we draw from these experiences about why/how it happened to us. There is always an internal dialogue going on in our minds whether we're completely aware of it or not. And I'm sure you've probably heard elsewhere about how children have a profound ability to make any situation about themselves.. it's just because they are trying desperately to make sense of the world around them and it's nearly impossible at a young age to see the world from a perspective outside themselves.

I do believe parents/primary caregivers have an incredible impact on children... these are the most important figures in our young lives. They help shape and mold our subjective understanding of the world around us... and that's probably an understatement.

I also have struggled with issues of self-esteem so I hear where you're coming from. I also have had to deal with some very difficult fear/anxiety issues that still plague aspects of my life. And I believe a lot of it does stem from my early years. My father left our family when I was 8, shortly after my grandpa, (mother's father) who I looked up to as a primary male role model, passed away. But it wasn't until recent years when other issues related to my father came to light.. and it helped explain why I never felt comfortable/close with him from a very early age. There are so many other dynamics in play as well, that it would be too hard to explain in a forum like this... but needless to say, I do see how my early experiences have affected me profoundly.

That being said, I know I am wired in a certain way that has made me particularly sensitive and intuitive about the world/people around me. If you could place another person in my exact situation, I think it's very likely they wouldn't become the exact same person I am today (making the same decisions or having the same perspectives).

So I guess a short answer is: there is no definitive answer... lol! But I hope it helps to know you're not alone in wondering about your past and how it's affected you. I think almost all of us ask ourselves these questions at some point in life.

This is a hard question for me to answer. Probably because I'm of the mindset that life is what you make of it, and people can only affect you as much as you allow yourself to be affected. Emotionally speaking of course.

When I was a little girl I had a lot of confidence problems. Probably as many as I do now. These I held my Dad completely to blame for for many years. Okay, I was an overweight child. But I can remember being very happy. Until I started taking in what my Dad would say to me. He found nothing wrong with cracking jokes about my weight, my social awkwardness and my bookish intelligence. He saw it as nothing more than fun, even though years later I was to find out that he had in his childhood battled bulimia due to being an overweight child. He knew how much the bullying could hurt. As long as I can remember, my Dad's been a bully. Not just emotionally. Whenever I did something wrong, took too long in the bathroom or whatever, he would bring out his trusty hard soled slippers and his belt. I was scared of him. At one point he had me so frightened of doing anything to upset him that I wouldn't even allow myself to go to the bathroom. For months, maybe even years I would hold out as long as I could, until eventually I managed to damage myself permanantly. Each time I would have an accident because I hadn't been to the bathroom he would beat me again, only increasing my fear.

But eventually, without his help, I got past that and then the fun years of school began. And I got to know another kind of bully. I think in all honesty, most of my life has been controlled by fear in some way or another. Fear of angering my father, doing something to offend my peers or lose the few friends I can count at the moment. Alot of the time I'm so gripped by it that I retreat into myself. My iPod comes with me wherever I go and I use it to hide from social situations. When I have my music playing, I have somebody that understands me.

After leaving my school and moving into a higher form of education, I was happy. For the longest time I didn't have to worry about bullies or how people were going to treat me. I came out of my shell. Then my Dad found another way to rock my world. My Dad has a severe disability known as Fibrous Displasia, and thus he can't work. Most of the time he's in too much pain to leave the house or even bed. And so he, like me, seeks solace in the online world. Only a few months ago my Mother found out about his girlfriend he'd met on that ****ing horrible site we know as Facebook. He'd been cheating a year. And the worst thing was: I kind of knew about it. I could hear him retreating downstairs in the early hours of the morning to call her and her little girl whom he had allowed to call him Daddy. He would borrow money from me, of course I never knew what he would do with it, to spend on her whilst doing very little for his family other than his usual taunts and jibes. He would even give away precious gifts he'd bought my Mother years before to the woman. We had a really hard Christmas last year and it was only then that we realised why. He'd dipped into the Christmas fund and spent most of the money on buying the little girl a Wii console. He bought my Mother a £3 dvd and myself nothing. I said nothing about hearing the phonecalls because I didn't want to hurt my Mum more than she already was. Every day for the next few weeks after that I would come home and she'd be passed out drunk on the kitchen floor. I wasn't allowed to have feelings about the situation because I had taken it upon myself to just try and keep the family together. I know it sounds selfish, but this was what I knew. I didn't want my fractured status quo to leave. It probably sounds awful, but even though I hate my Father so much...I still love him.

Because of my Father's distance, I developed a very unhealthy relationship with one of my male Tutors a couple of years ago. I would take any opportunity that I could to go and see him. To sit in his office and cry away from prying eyes even. I saw him as a Father figure that I had lacked, and I confided my soul's worth in him whenever he had the time for me. He was probably the first person I really spoke to about my self harm. I don't think he had a choice really, considering how I'd told him. I'd had a really bad day and had cut myself in the bathrooms. So badly it turns out that I needed stitches. I was bleeding heavily which was obvious against my grey jeans (It's always the legs. I never allow people to see them) and I almost passed out in his arms in the office I was so shaken. I hadn't meant to confide in him so much. But once the barrier had been broken I couldn't stop. I needed him. I needed that one person. That one father figure who I could talk to and feel like he even cared just a little. Deep down I knew it was just his job. But I see now that I probably abused his kindness. But in the empty room that was my moment that day, he was the only one standing there with a kindness to offer.

I don't post very often, but this topic is resonating with me, especially the part about feeling more in tune with people who are older than you. But before I get to that, I'll give some background. My story is no where near as intense of many of you here, but I can attest that it has shaped me into the person I am today. Good and bad.

My parents divorced when I was 9 in the mid 1980s. I grew up in a middle class affluent area in Central NJ and well at the time having divorced parents was a rarity in my area. Of course nowadays it's more rare if your parents are still together.

Honestly, I was shielded from most of the animosity and reality of what was going on around me. My father kept up his end of the financial and child custody agreements and my parents mastered the art of fueding with each other by using my brother and me as the pawns. Yeah, the first few years we were your textbook divorced family.

As the years progressed, I starting resenting the divorce more and more. I became the primary caregiver for my younger brother. I walked him to and from the bus, got him lunch, made him dinner, let him sleep in my room when he was scared, etc. My mother immersed herself in a single parents groups, began dating the president of the chapter and did what appeared to us that she could care less about what was best for us. SHe'd cart us of 90 mins away to my grandmother's on her weekends and sometimes aross 2 bridges into NY on a school night just so she could go out. She'd come pick us up the next morning and i had to tell the school office some excuse yet again why i was late. The weekends with her that we weren't carted off to relatives, we piled into the living room of my mom's boyfriends in sleeping bags with his 3 kids. It was only a few years ago that i had a memory of walking in on my mom and her boyfriend..well you know....and those weekends i was with my dad...he was the cheap one. Made my brother and me share a happy meal from McDonalds. And since my brother was the young one, he got the prize.

Let's fast forward. My mother got remarried when i was in high school. She married Homer Simpson. NO really, my stepfather watches tv on the couch in his underwear. Their marriage has been such a roller coaster ride. Ups and Downs. My stepfather has had more jobs in the past 20 years than i've posted on here. My mother...she puts up with it, threatens to leave, then there is the perpetual breakup, suckup, makeup mode with the 2 of them. My biggest pet peeve was that she put him ahead of my brother and me. She always put her needs first. We learned to just move on from it and as a result both my brother and I have a really hard time having any serious relatonship with her. We visit, talk on the phone, IM, but there's not that connection there.

Up until 2 months ago my father was happily remarried. He's gotten himself into some legal trouble and it's torn his world upside down. He is waiting to find out what happens with his legal issues and only after that can he possibly attempt to reconcile with his wife. Given the nature of his issue, which i can't go into here, i don't see her taking him back. It's been extremely stressful watching my father fall from grace (to borrow the term) and watch his life crumble around him. My brother now lives 250 miles away so I'm the only child in the immediate area. I don't have a big enough aparment to put him up so he's been living with another relative in the area. It's been a crazy few months navigating through this with him. I"m deeply dissapointed and don't understand why he did what he did yet there's this expectation that I"m supposed to support him 100%. Suddenly I"m expected to have take on this parental role and concern myself in my dad's everyday wellbeing. I have no idea how to do this after maintaining this mostly emotional distant relationship for 25 plus years.

Sorry this has gotten so long. Guess the whole point of what I"m trying to get at is that because of my parents I grew up really quickly when I was younger and as a result I am very closed off from them today. While I have open lines of communication with both of my parents, they have dug themselves into such messes at this stage in their lives. They should both be thinking about retiring in 5+ years and instead they are trying to figure out if they will end up alone in bed at night next week. It's terrible. I have vowed i don't want to end up like either or them time and time again. Right now they are probably the two most miserable people I know. Maybe they should get back together since misery loves company.

To circle back to what hooked me into this, I know now that I looked for maternal substitutes when i was in my teens and early 20s and like many people said here found myself gravitating towards adults instead of people my own age. I wasn't looking for someone else to treat me like a daughter, but i was looking for some kind of unconditional admiration, acceptance and probably guidance. They were the ones i went to with issues about my family, schoool, boys, friends, etc. They were the ones who asked me about that big test or the school dance or how so and so was. And i found myself repeating that cyle with the mothers of the kids i babysat, teachers, camp counselors, women i worked at day camp, the list goes on and on. It really wasn't till i moved out and had to sustain financial independence away from all these prior resources that I stopped looking for that attention from older people and started looking to confide more in peers. Although to this day, easier said then done.

I didn't seek out the same sort of attention from father figures. But I do think it has been a direct cause of why I"m so hesitant to go out there find someone to get married to and have a family with. SOme of it is related to some other insecurities I have, but I know that I do need to spend some time one of these days figuring out why I"m so hesitant to date. Although, I can probably skip the thousands of dollars in therapy and just cough up that I"m fearful of the rejection.

I know my story pales in comparison to many of you who had much tougher obstacles with their parents. But no matter what path we've all traveled on, we all collected our scrapes and bruises and have some scars to show for it.

I think it's very brave of many of you to share your experiences. And if you are still reading this, thanks for taking the time to read mine.

:cool: Amy :cool:

I didn't really have it THAT bad growing up thinking back on it, but there were a few things that changed my relationship with my parents a bit. My mom & dad got divorced in the late 90s after she found out about his alcohol and drug habits then he moved about 10 min. away. Before that he'd always be starting arguments, saying **** to me (I was only about 9 or 10 at the time) so we definitely don't have the best relationship. Afterwards he would ALWAYS be calling me up to talk about such random crap and just talk talk talk about absolutely nothing, he'd try to get me to do stuff with him, I guess trying to 'win me over'. That went on until the last couple of months when he started calling up my mom asking for money (like a thousand at a time) because he's into some car business and I guess he was buying a lot more than he was selling so he needed money. My mom wasn't going to give him thousands of her own money because he was being an idiot getting into an off the wall car deal he had no business doing and all he was going to do was blow it on more cars so she said no. He got in a motorcycle accident yeaaaars ago and he's hooked on Percocet and **** knows what other meds for it now so I haven't spoken to him in months cause he started acting like a jackass again.

As for my mom the only issues between her and I is that we are extremely different in practically every way possible it seems, so we get on each others nerves a lot sometimes. I dunno I just don't know how I can really be related to someone who isn't like me that much, none of my family really is at all. My life revolves around music and it has for a long time now, it's what I want to do with my life in the future (not as a performer necessarily, I can't really see myself doing that but who knows).

I graduated high school in 2009 and since then I've been spending lots of time around the computer and I don't really go out as much as I used to. She thinks I'm "obsessed" with music and all that & that I'm on the computer too much and doesn't know why because "I used to have a life" but for right now it's all I've got. I don't plan on sitting in front of the computer doing "nothing" for the rest of my life so for the moment all I'd like is some space and a break. Just because i'm not in an office filing paperwork doesn't mean I'm not doing anything, I'm involved in quite a lot of things and it may not be important to her but it is to me.

I met quite a few friends online last year who I became closer to than 99% of the people I know in real life. It was one of the best years of my life, lots of great memories and very fun. When you meet people online who have so many of the same interests it's a lot easier to get along really well and become great friends. As Georgie *ButterCookie* ^ said, who is one of those friends, :xoxo: , Blondie & Debbie Harry are one of the biggest parts of my life, they mean A LOT to me and they really are one of the few things that make me truly happy. The best friends that I mentioned earlier are the ones I've met through that circle. :) Getting back to the point, I had a huge opportunity with the band that would have made my life practically perfect but because I knew my mom never would have let me go with it, I didn't even bring it up. I could have said something, but I knew how she would have reacted. 'I have no business going on the road with a band blah blah doing hell knows what' yar yar yar was expected. Knowing she would have shot down that opportunity I rather would have heard nothing than to hear bitching etc. about the group of people and most of all the one person included in it who is a big piece of my heart, if not all of it really. I didn't like my mom for that and I still don't sometimes, especially because of how it made me act a bit distant for a while towards my friends as well. We are already miles apart and the extra distance wasn't needed. It just all really hurt though. I felt dead inside for weeks and still to this day I have mood swings now and then where I sink down a bit and really start missing that piece of my heart again that would make everything perfect. I pull myself back up within a day or so and everything is alright again for a while, but it really seems like an endless cycle. I've only talked about it with some of my friends cause they are the ones who really understand, but I'm sure some of you possibly feel the same way about Stevie and Fleetwood Mac so hopefully this made sense and you'd understand if you were in my position.

But yeah all of that is really the only things she's done to put a dark cloud over my head so to speak. Other things she does are just typical things moms do - go on and on about things, worry, nag, etc.

I usually don't think back on the majority of this stuff unless it's brought up so luckily I'm usually in a good mood. :]

I think it's awesome that we're all having this conversation -- with each other but, most importantly, with ourselves. I'm paranoid about posting too much private information on the internet but I may add to my post a little more later.... since I'm still a "kid" to some extent, it still feels like I'm betraying my parents when I speak about their faults.

Guess what? It feels that way in your (my) 40's, too. You're all young and brave. I typed a ton the other night then woke the next day to edit it down to a couple of sentences that had nothing to do with my parents. College years and until about age 25 are tough years; everything that goes wrong, there is a way to trace it back to your parents. It's almost necessary.

Letting it all out, here, and keeping it out is part of the process and I think it's good. I couldn't let myself keep the words here the next morning. Not as good. But, a right decision, in my case.
Just wait til they're in their 70s and 80, like my mom and dad are. You become their parents, and you want to do better than they did with you. It's a whole new level of discomfort! Yet, there is also pleasure in that you get to show them the best of who you evolved into, which really is your choice, who you are, and who you become. Getting to pleasantly surprise them becomes a reward, somehow.
Regardless of any emotional scars I had or still may have, the truth is always that I want my parents to survive, and I want to help them.
I bet most of you in this thread will feel the same way. Facing losing them is a very harsh reality.
To those who have already lost a parent, at a young age, I am sorry. Friends and loved ones and spouses may change and likely will change over the years we're here, but what doesn't change is who your mother and father were, for all the good and bad that entails.
It is the one thing that just is. Even after they are long gone, you always will be or will have been their child until your death, even after your death! It is totally a trip when you consider it.
Your mother, always, is the only person on Earth who really got you here. Nothing against fathers, (or hospital staffs!) - but unless our mothers went through with our births, we wouldn't exist to suffer or discuss. Obviously :)

The older I get, the more I appreciate my parents and especially how hard they have worked in their lives. Now I see they have just done the best they knew how, with what they had to work with.

I do agree with this on my mom's side of things. After the divorce, she was left with little money and few options. I guess I can understand why she was always so stressed and angry. I just wish she had found better ways to deal with it. I was very stressed, as well, considering that I had to care for my sister and brother while she worked and since not having money made people harass me. Still, she did what she had to do.

It is pretty neat we're having this conversation. I actually never thought I would post something like that on a place like this, but I don't feel threatened at all, for some reason. I like what you said earlier about our parents make us what we're not, also.

My Mom is horrible at relationships, and I would like to think when I have children I will never fight in front of them, call my spouse names in front of them, or yell, all things my parents have done to each other, and it has scared me. I always told my Mom "How am I supposed to have a normal relationship someday when all I know is this crap?" So that's something I vow to do, at least try to set a good example for my future kids. At least give it my all. But maybe that's easier said than done.

I think when it comes down to it, it will be so important to you to have your child see a good example that it will come easily for you. Strange as it sounds, it's even more likely to go well if your husband had the same kind of home life you did. Then it will be important to him to set a good example, as well.
My husband and I both grew up around a lot of fighting and both had many instances of getting hit by a parent just because the parents were angry at each other, not us. We both have memories of being scared to death because our parents were fighting. I also have memories of my parents being violent with each other.
I'm not saying we've never disagreed with each other, but we handle it in a constructive way. Our son has never seen us yelling and screaming at each other.
He sees that someone can disagree and it's not the end of the world. Even if the problem isn't resolved right away, he can still see that we love each other and treat each other with respect. I hope he does the same when he is older.

I never want kids because, although I've done my best and am still trying to not be anything like my parents, I know I'll never be able to guarantee that I'll not be anything like them as a parent... and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm hoping to have dogs all my life instead :woohoo:

Well, everyone knows their own abilities. If someone doesn't feel that children are right for them, then maybe they should stick with that. In life, there are never any guarantees. People just have to do their best with what they have to work with. :thumbsup:

Yeah I think it is a gvreat convo, but I do have something to really talk about now.

My parents have always hoped I would do better than them in life, but in many ways, they take it a bit too far. They will never accept a C for any class (except for precalc, but even then, they told me to keep on going to my school's math tutoring center, even though the grad students there basically told me to stop going) and with that, I basically kill myself with school. When I'm not going crazy trying to do well, I'm stressing over doing well and worrying what they'll think when they see my grades, to the point where I'm yet to get a good night's sleep since high school (I'm always tired and they just tell me to stress less) and I seem to get sick more often than other people. If I do complain, they listen, but they still tell me they want good grades, so I basically bottle it up and go nuts. And they wonder why I basically lose my mind at the end of a semester.