I feel like poo.
 

I had this great weekend only to get slammed with sh*t once I get home.

Allow me to vent...and that's pretty much all this is - a vent session...so forgive me, I am reluctant to write about this on my MySpace blog simply because three of my friends are cousins and this bitchfest could reach the wrong eyes.

So my mom and sister have not been speaking - for months now. I stay out of it - I figure it's not my fight so I don't take sides. My mom and sister have ALWAYS had a rocky relationship - my sister and I are 10 years apart and had very different upbringings...

Anyway. Ok - so this weekend was my sister's birthday so I went to Albuquerque to spend it with her. It's a relatively close drive, whereas my hometown (where my mom lives) is NOT a close drive. So anyway - I get back and my mom calls...all fake, "I'm so glad you were able to go...ok bye."

Sounds fishy so I call back and ask what her deal is and she talks about how I've rejected her by going to Albuquerque, and well she dredged up **** from years ago to throw back in my face (I HATE HATE HATE when people do that.)

Anyway - then she basically says that I can write her off as my mom. Now - ok - this means she is going to go to all of her friends (basically the whole town) and talk about her evil mean daughters who have disowned her.

It pisses me off because she keeps saying, "I don't want to make you choose sides.." But clearly she's mad because I'm not "on her side" And now SHE is making the choice to cut off communication...it's because I went to visit this weekend.

So now I feel like ****, but I'm not apologizing, their fight is not my fight and I've said over and over I don't want to get in the middle - I thought I was doing a pretty good job but no.

Actually I think the underlying issue is extreme jealousy of the relationship my sister and I have. But that, too, is my mom's fault...my sister was largely responsible for raising me - and well we're now close...:shrug: But instead of beign happy her daughters are close she HATES it and well crap like this ensues.

Anyway....today sucks ass - but I know my problems are small compared to others - I just needed to bitch and get this off my chest.

:o

Wow!!!!

I would write a letter addressed to both of them and explain that you love them both, their drama is their drama, you are not getting in the middle of it by taking sides, and you just hope they work it out soon.

That way, at least you have your position in writing and can haul it out in situations like the one you described.

Good Luck!!!

^ Agreed. A letter would be good. BUT - don't send it right away. reread it after a few days to be sure that you still want to say the things you've written.

That's unfortunate that your mom can't be proud that her kids are so close & supportive of eachother.

^^The letter thing has been done.

I failed to mention that my mom does NOT retain information. At all. My sister wrote this amazing letter stating why she was mad...and if my mom did X then my sister would do Y. So my mom did X. Now my sister's mad...and my mom can't figure out why :laugh:

Seriously - I'm not kidding - she is one of the most maddening people on the planet. You can look at her and say, "I'm going to the mall." Then she'll look right back and say, "oh..are you goign somewhere?"

Seriously - doesn't retain. Is quite selfish....but I know people aren't perfect, she did the best she could blah blah blah....

But apparently trying to defend her selfishness has gotten me nowhere :laugh:

I've never been disowned...good thing she doesn't give me money :p

Deanna, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Sometimes family issues can be a real pain in the ass.:distress:

Oh you have no idea :laugh:

Well if my mom wants to alienate the one daughter who is still talking to her - then it's her choice - the sucky part though is I'm going to get completely vilified in the meantime..not that I particularly care what her friends think of me but still....

This probably would be AS bad had I not gotten up at 2 o'clock this morning to drive from Albuquerque back to Greeley. I'm sure my tiredness has something to do with my heightened emotions.

I know someone who hasnt spoken to her mother for over 15 years. I dont really know the whole situation to be fair, but things must me AWFULLY bad for that to happen.

Hey Deanna...
 

Ya sure your not related to me? Sounds like my teen years at home, when I was the only child at home and my Mom would bring me into her battles with my older brothers. I would get caught in the middle all the damn time...Even worse she would get us boys at each others throats over petty issues.

I'm glad that she slowly realized that we were the only family she had and that all the petty crap was not worth the heartache.

Hehe, hate to say it..But once I intentionally po'd my Mom off to make her learn the lesson that sticking this punk in the middle of her battles wasnt going to work anymore. She didnt speak to me for about 2 months :rolleyes: but she did get the message.

Children/parent relationships are so interesting sometimes.:nod:

:eek: Well I'm sure I did a pretty good job pissing her off this morning. I stopped short of using one of my favorite lines, "get off the cross honey, someone needs the wood!"

Still I am taking a break from her. I am generally not a fan of not talking to someone when mad, I like to work things out - but in this case it's pretty hard and almost fruitless as she doesn't listen or retain.

I understand...
 

when I'm pissed I won't speak...I do however, shoot laser beams from my eyes, hunt down people name Sara Connor, tear skin from my exo-skeleton and say in a bad Austrian accent "I'll be Back".

As for pissing my Mom off, I mastered it since I am the youngest child and was closest to my Mom. So I easily knew how to push her buttons, and when I saw the opportunity to push those buttons ya damn well better believe I took it...Maybe somewhat over-the-top, but it accomplished the message I wanted to send.

Sh*t Deanna, your mother is so out of line. You're so horrible because you didn't drive a whole day to see her? Well, if she were speaking to your sister you could've met halfway, at her house. Or, if she really wanted to see you and not just be vindictive she could have driven to your sister's town and gotten a motel room.

Seriously, you can't drive 12 hours on a weekend, or however long it is. There just isn't time! And who cares what she says to her friends, they must know she's loopy! Sorry, but she's just being totally irrational.

I hate when my mother gets crazy, it usually has to do with my father who she is divorced from, and I have to repeat "Take it up with him." over and over. It still doesn't get through.

Taking a break is a perfect idea, and maybe not a letter but journal-writing, and then talk when you're ready. I hate this manipulative guilt-trip BS.

The more I read, it sounds like your mom's kind of mental. Seriously. You can only do so much. :shrug: Don't let her guilt you, and don't be hard on youself.

I did this to my Mom when I was in college cuz with my psych classes I was getting a little big for my britches. But it ultimately made me feel terrible to win all the time so I stopped - finally accepting her for the mad woman she is. :lol:

:lol: I really wish you would say what you think and stop beating around the bush! :xoxo:

Oh she totally is :laugh: Me and my sister have learned that - my sister sooner than I. It's not so much mental as clueless, selfish and well there is an Espinosa dumbening gene...my sister and I are frightened to death of it :laugh:

Anyway - yeah - the whole thing is ****ty....I'm going to go home and drink.

Did you sister do Y?

Sorry to read about the family drama...definitely take a break. And, if you can manage it, take a break from both to gain clarity and perhaps an understanding of both sides. My mom is truly one-of-a-kind, and we have had our share of difficulties, but I always come back to knowing she will not be here forever and I don't ever want to be "sorry" for how I may have treated her or reacted to her way of being. Sometimes I just :shrug: as "how she is" can't be helped in that she has been "that way" her whole life. Slowly she gets it, but it is a long process.

wow, deanna, that's some effed up shiz. why do mothers act so insane? and how do not insane people come from insane people? :laugh: i never understood that one. good luck with all that drama. let us know what happens.

yeah - it was basically a "if you contact this person then there will be consequences..." those include my sister being PISSED and my mom is no longer allowed to take my nephew on her own....looong story....

That's one my sister and I have been trying to figure out for a while. I mean we come from some craaaazy stock :laugh: But well I don't think it's a coincidence that the most normal people in the family are the educated ones..namely my sister and me...and a cousin or two....

Good God I hope I don't act as insane and selfish as her :distress:

i spend a lot of time worrying that i'm going to end up like my mother. i think that the less you worry/think about it, the less likely it is to happen, because you're not focusing on somebody else's life. ennnywayz, i do think education is key because you're giving yourself mobility to get away from the craziness.

sorry that so much has gone to ****. I learned a long time ago that you'll never be able to understand why certain family members act the way they do or treat each other the way they do and all it will get you are sleepless nights and anxiety. you can bet your ass they aren't sitting around wondering about this...so why should you? :shrug: if they can't get along and your getting **** from both sides, then I say you tell them that your sick of their ****. you have enough problems to deal with as it is and you're not about to tack on their baggage. seriously. it's just not worth it, family or not. I have no tolerance for bull****.

...now, if only I could practice what I preach.

I hate to be the "Debbie Downer" here, but my grandmother was like that, and went to her grave like that. She manipulated my youngest uncle, he was her favorite, because he would ask how high when she yelled jump. When we, (me, mom, oldest uncle) wouldn't budge, she'd get pissy and say that we didn't love her the way the youngest uncle does. Pathetic bull****. She was always sympathetic and would loan you money, but would hold it over your head... "I loaned you money, now you have to say how high when I say jump..." I never asked that woman for one thing. And she hated it because she couldn't manipulate me, because she didn't have anything to hold over my head. I'm sorry about your moms Deanna. I wish I had some great advice, but I don't. I can just tell you that I've been there....

Oh don't even get me started on my grandma!! :laugh: My family is so twisted...but it's just good to know that others have family issues as well - or have been there. I just needed to vent the heck out of today :o

My mom has 3 brothers and 1 sister - none of them speak to each other - well a couple speak - but they don't speak to the others - depending on the week my grandma isn't talking to at least two of her children....I refuse to be like that with my sister - guess my mom resents that :shrug: At this point I'm putting my phone on silent, having a drink and watching Sex and the City (my sister lent me the DVDs!)

Deanna, my mom went through a phase of real f*cked-upness. I really had to distance myself from her for a while to gain some perspective. I had a very similar situation- my mother and I eventually found peace with each other but my sister could NOT forgive my mom and I always felt in the middle.

We hear about "toxic" people- your mom sounds like YOUR toxic person, unfortunately. Hopefully a little break will help to make *you* feel better, if nothing else. :xoxo:

I hate to say this but unless we guard against it zealously (and sometimes IN SPITE OF IT) we turn into our parents.....its what we know. It takes a real concerted effort to change the pattern, and even then, sometimes the pattern overtakes us anyway...the older you get *if you are AWARE!* the more you see it happening...

ps: what constitutes "toxic" is a matter of perspective. My daughter is toxic but if you talk to her she says everyone else is.

Well true as that may be - it certainly is in my mom's case (she is more and more like my grandma daily) my sister and I do guard zealously AND years of therapy will hopefully help out a bit too :p

fyi, that is EXACTLY why I am SINGLE. (and I forgot to add: HAPPY)

well, good luck. but, it will be interesting to see what you have to say when you are say....75 years old....My mom has always been the opposite of my grandma but now that she is over 75, she is really changing. Personally, I think there is more to the "second childhood" phase than people realize. you go back to what you know, what you were brought up with in your formative years, whether you like it or not.......

EDIT: just a note to say that every family is different and every person is different and family dynamics are FLUID. I get frustrated sometimes because Psychologists want to "label" or "categorize" people/situations because it is intellectually easier. But Human Beings are NOT cookie cutter and each situation/family is different. I made a GENERAL observation but by NO MEANS am I saying that what happened in MY family will happen in others' families...

Sounds like...
 

the ____ that was my Mom's Mother.

This manipulated ____ is single-handedly responsible for my Mom not being able to raise her daughter's when she was younger, which caused my Mom great deals of grief (I didnt know I had 2 older sisters until Jan 2005-Though I knew I had one older sister back in Oct.1989, But I blew my Mom off during that discussion-Sadly My Mom only had less than two months to get to know her daughter she had to give up for adoption Bonita, later to be named Lesa before she died).

When that waste of humanity known as my Grandmother died back in 1994, My Mom notified me by the local Police Dept.. The officer drove here to our home to tell me "Your Mother wanted you to know your Grandmother died...", to which my reply shocked the officer "So...". Thus ended my relationship with that ____. May she rot in the eternity that is her purgatory.

I hate to say this Brian, (actually, no, but you're NOT going to like it) but, you and your grandmother will have to RE-DO this particular life lesson. What I mean is, apparently there is enough bad Karma between all of you to warrant another go-round at getting past this particular test. So your grandma flunked this time. She will have to repeat the life until she gets it right (in MY world view) and by harbouring negative feelings toward her, you are only hurting yourself, because you (and anyone who feels like you do) will have to give her another chance to make it right...........like I said on another thread, we are all here by CHOICE and we CHOOSE the people we are here with and any lessons we all need to learn are learned in tandem

(again this is MY world view)

So in other words...
 

life will turn in the TNT network, and keep repeating the same ol stuff over-and-over? Or is that the Republicans and their 'oh so loved' War on Terror, I get 'em confused :lol:

It's funny, Except for one person, No one in my family has any love loss for my Grandmother. My older sisters contempt for this woman cannot be describe in words.

The sad thing is, now that she is spirit, she knows full WELL just how badly she disappointed all of you. She OWES you ALL, and I wouldnt want to be her....
but, again, the harsh reality is, the Karmic Laws dictate that she WILL HAVE to get it right, and that means you will all at some point have to work it out with her. Lest anyone get hoity toity over this concept, we ALL hurt our family/friends/strangers on a daily basis so we are assuring that we will also be back to right the wrongs as it were.... (again, just MY world view...)

For some reason, Poo is much funnier than poop.

But this isn't funny, honestly, how awful! I am so sorry, you are going through this. It's emotional blackmail.
I don't have siblings I grew up with, but I do have some half siblings, and neither my mother, nor the siblings want to see each other, or even hear about each other. None of the family on my father's side has ever wanted to meet me, I have very little family, and yet mother regularly guilt trips me about any contact with the siblings, so that I barely ever talk to them. If my mother did this with a sibling I had grown up with, I would be heartbroken.

It is just so wrong!
When I think about this situation, I am reminded that my extended family, my network of friends, has sometimes been safer and more supportive than "real" family.

Yeah.
Hey, is the girl on the right of your sig pic Linda Ronstadt? (I always spell that wrong).

I left my reply open on the computer, for hours, so I hadn't yet read this post from Amber. I have a friend who cut her mother off for years, and then contacted her, but basically treated her mother in similar fashion to what you describe here Amber, and I was impressed by the way their relationship improved, and seemed much healthier after a few difficult years. Great advice Amber!

This whole story sucks. Mostly because of how typical it is.

I went through a few similar things when I was younger. Family brings with it so many subconscious obligations and emotional attachments, that we are all often in a bad positon to use logic. However, with crazy people, logic is frequently the only weapon.

I found that the only way to deal with past family disputes was as if they were business arrangements. I had a situation with family members where I would come into town and had very limited time. Not enough time to see them all separately. They couldn't stand one another and would not all gather to see me as a group. As a result, I ran myself ragged for a few years trying to see them all in a short time. Finally I wised up. I rotated. Each Holiday season I made two stops. I told everyone involved where I would be. If they wanted to see me, that was where I was making my appearance. If they chose not to come, I informed them I was sorry they were unable to make it. Next year I would make different stops. Period. A time or two, I actually had to say, when they got harsh, "If your conflict with so and so is more important than your desire to see me, I respect that. I respect your priorities." The choice and responsibility was no longer mine. And I refused to respond to a negative statement about anyone. The second anyone uttered negativity I would silently listen. When they were done, I would simply reply, "That's very sad. I wish you got along with them." Any repeated attack I simply refused to respond to. About the only thing I would offer is "Too bad I can't fix it. If you want to fix it, it is up to you. Can we talk about something else ?" Brick wall treatment. The rules of DISengagement.

Shut them all the f*ck up. Some of them fixed things, some of them didn't. Some of them are dead now. Not my problem. I got along with all of them.

Sorry that your situation is so nuts, Deanna. I think from what you have revealed, that your mother is either truly mentally ill, or just wildly manipulative. I wish you luck, and hope you preserve your sanity first.

I hear that. My grandmother was a real piece of work. Well, is I should say. She was horrible to my mother and even threatened to poison her one time. Although my mother knew she wouldn't actually do it, still, how sick is that? She was horrible to her but they made some progress in my Mom's early adulthood. However, that was all erased after my grandmother's stroke and she slipped back into being absolutely impossible.

The key word is practice. And we have to always be on our guard in this way. I had some drama at my cookout on Sat, this guy a friend brought decided to drink for the first time in 2 mos and act like a complete a-hole. We called him a cab but in the interum he said to me, "You want me to stay." suggestively. I'm like, "I want you to stay? I don't think so." Score!