I am so sad right now
 

I got horrible news on New Year's Day. My friend's baby boy Jack died on NYE morning. He was born early (30 weeks) but was stable & doing really well & there were no indications of any complications/illness/infection at all. He was 3&1/2 pounds & his brain & lungs were normal. They didn't even move him from the hospital he was born at to Children's Hospital cuz he was fine. Then his heart stopped Saturday morning.

I am devastated. I hadn't even seen him yet, and hadn't spoken much to my friend since she was so busy - they just bought a house & were trying close so they could move in before he was born. But she was put on bedrest, then he came early. My friend (who I've been friends with since we were 16, btw) actually didn't plan this baby - at all. So, within 6 months, she found out she was preg, got married (to her BF of 13 years), bought a house, had the baby......now, he's gone, in an instant, just like that. Hurry up, change your life, get excited, then it's all taken away.

How do you go on? I can't comprehend the pain they're feeling right now. Will they EVER be able to celebrate a new year again? When I got the call, I literally fell down on my kitchen floor & started sobbing, it was all so shocking. I can't imagine what they're going through. I haven't called yet, her mom said I could try, and that if she's not up to talking, she just won't answer the phone. I want to talk to her, but how many more "I'm sorry's" or "How are you holding up's" can she hear without throwing something at a wall? Feeling helpless right now.


I don't want sympathy, or advice, or anything, and I certainly don't want to burden any of you or make you feel bad. I just needed to vent, so thanks.

Call anyway, the important thing is not what you say but that she knows you are there for her. I'm so sorry for your loss, that is so awful. It is the worst thing that can happen to someone. My coworker went through it last year and it was the worst thing in the world for him. They took a long time to heal. He seems to have just come out of it a year later. They were finally able to get a puppy and that brought a lot of joy into their life. They had to grieve for a long time though. Your friend will be grieving for a long time. She will be better someday but it will be awhile. Grief counseling will help them to stay afloat through it. Again, I am so sorry.

All I can say is that I went into a complete tailspin after my great-aunt, who I was very close to died in early '04, and I ended up in the psych ward for a week. I felt so alone. I think people were afraid to offend me by offering sympathy of just lending an ear. So I agree with Suze. Call. good luck:angel:

{{{{hugs}}}}

I called. We spoke for a couple of minutes. They have to go to the crematory tomorrow. Oh God.

There will probably be a ceremony later this week.

I told her to let me know if there's ANYTHING she needs me to do.

Believe me, that's the best thing you can do for them, just be there. It's good your friend has a friend like youself Paula:nod:

So sorry to hear about your loss. I've been to a childs funeral, his death was the most devistating thing I've ever experienced. It may bring you some peace to offer help with funeral arrangements, and just to offer to the family to help in any way they need. I've heard of these small boxes people make for hospitals, things like his hospital braclets, outfit, crib cards, or any pictures that were taken can go in them. Perhaps you could speak with a family member about it or contact the hospital for information. If not now, because it's to painful, someday they will want those memories of him. Take care.

I'm so very sorry for your lose, Paula. My aunt had a baby die of "crib death" two years ago and it was devistating. :(

Hang in there. :xoxo:

So sorry to hear this. I can't find any words

Pip

Gimme a ring if you need a shoulder to cry on and to let it all out.

so sorry Paula - I had a friend go through delivery only to have her child be stillborn and I went to the funeral...it was heartbreaking. the best thing you can do is like everyone said, just be there for your friend when they need you...make sure they know you are there for them, then give them their space and they'll call on you when they need you - and just check in on them from time to time

I'm so sorry. I can't begin to imagine. My Sara was born at 28 weeks, and was 2 lbs. 12 ozs. She was perfectly normal, also. It's so hard to fathom that his heart just stopped. The thing I've learned with grieving families is not to offer help, just do it. Take dinner to their home. They don't feel like cooking. Bring some groceries. Run any errand. When I was knee deep in grief, I didn't ask anyone for anything, because I felt like a burden. I will be sure to pray for all of you. Keep your head up, Paula.

Thanks, guys. I feel so stupid, it's not really MY loss at all, it's my friends'. But this has really thrown me for a loop. I mean, of course I should be upset, but this upset? It's freaking me out a little. Maybe it's because of the fact that the two of us go so far back, I went to high school with her and her husband. 15 years is a long time to know someone. I don't know. Again, thank you.

Don't feel stupid, Paula. When my husband died, my best friend of 20 years was so freaked out, she slept on her couch for a full week. She had nightmares about him. Bless her heart. Bless YOUR heart. :xoxo:

Yes Paula. Her pain is partially yours when you are so close. When we were young my friend lost her baby to crib death, it was absolutely horrific. It was the day after Christmas. She recovered, but that also took a long time. I was absolutely out of my mind when it happened. That funeral was the hardest thing and I publicly bawled my eyes out, everyone did. You will get through it, Paula, and your friend will too. Keep being there, send cards, you know in your heart what to do. I'm so sorry.

this is so sad, my thought s& prayers are w/ you & your friend paula & i think it shows how compassionate you are that it breaks your heart this much, she has a great friend in you!!!~ as a mother, i just san't fathom this:distress: ~

Allow yourself to feel this loss and know that is your loss, hers and everyone who knew Jack and therefore you should join together in your grief. Be there for her as only a true friend can be.

My thoughts are with you. I can only imagine how difficult this is.

Paula...
 

Go ahead and vent...It helps to get the feelings you have out instead of letting 'em build (I called my sister Lesa today because I needed to vent badly about Mom's death...I needed to have someone calm the feelings I have which could be "harmful to others" if left unchecked.)

Just hang in there ok?

Understandable. I don't think you're overreacting. Sometimes stuff like this is a real wake up call-- My best friend's mother died about a week before Christmas, and I'd never even met the woman, and I was just totally torn up over it. I think what really got to me was the fact that, for the first time I couldn't honestly tell her I knew what she was going through. You just feel really helpless in situations like that. I was freaked out for awhile, too.

No advice to offer, just wanted to say my thoughts are with you, as you are both her friend and a very compassionate nurse, I am sure this hit you hard.

I understand how you feel. :sorry: When my great niece was born, it was such a joyous occasion. I went to see her in the hospital; she was the cutest little thing. About a week later, she died of some kind of infection. Everyone was extremely shocked, including me. I mean, yeah, she wasn't mine, but just being there to see her & then she was gone. . . I was sad for some time after that. It's just something that you can't get over quickly. I still can't believe it. Now my niece is pregnant again & she having a girl! And I pray nothing happens.

Lee :distress:

This is SUCH good advice. (((hug)))

My friend's son-in-law accidentally suffocated their nine month old baby a few months ago. It *is* devastating. I'm so sorry this happened. I hope that your friend will eventually get some professional help with this- this is something that is close to impossible to deal with alone.

I'm sorry, friend. :(
I was pretty much going to say the same thing as Maria. I think cooking and errand running are much appreciated for a lot of people.
I hope you feel less sad soon.
*hugs*

I am sorry to hear this Paula. I will keep your friend in my thoughts. That is a loss that I can't even imagine. She is lucky to have you as a caring friend.
You are right when you say that things can change in an instant and when you think about it it is kind of scary.

Oh, how sad. I can't even imagine the pain.

My deepest sympathies go out to Jack's parents and family, and everyone who loves them and loved him.

Of all the cruel things life can throw at someone, I can't think of anything more cruel than to lose a child.

Oh. My God. :( That's unbearable.

Thanks for the thoughts, you guys. I spoke with another mutual friend yesterday & she's having as much difficulty with this as I am. Felt good to talk to someone who is going throught the same thing.

I'm sorry Paula. I know how sad it can be. I had a little brother die at 11 days old. It's very tragic. I was 16 when it happened. I remember thinking, did I do something to make this happen? "Why" is a huge question during times like these. I found comfort in talking to a priest during that time. As far as what you can do, just try to be strong for her is my best advice... :(

I'm so sorry about your brother. My nana lost her first daughter Susan when she was an infant. My extended family was afraid that my parents named me Susan when I was born but I remained healthy. It is such a sad sad thing to lose a child. When I was 16 the state of my hair would devastate me so I can only imagine how it was to try to cope with that kind of loss.