Please say a prayer for me...

[estranged4life]

because last night I had to endure the worst feeling one can suffer through in their entire lives.

About a week ago my former wife Debbie and myself started talking about a reconciliation, and we started down that road over the weekend when I decided to move back home to be with her. All was happy and things were going great for us, we were happy as we once were years ago and life was to be great...

But last night at about 12am I heard a commotion outside the house (We lived on a "Dead End Street") but didnt think much of it. Theen I heard car door slam....Still thinking nothing of it. I decided to go check out the kitchen window to see who was making that noise outside.

I noticed a Carnegie PD patrol car and a OHP (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) outside and remembered what Debbie had told me just a few days earlier about how the Carnegie PD had someone stopped at the intersection just down the street. So I assumed that they had once again had someone stopped and decided "Eh, No big deal..." and I sat back down at the computer desk to finish a CDR I was working on...

When I heard a knock on the door, and not the type one wants to hear at this time of the night, especially when one had seen patrolmen outside their home. I jumped up to the door and said "Hold on a second" - so I could unlock the door and turn on the porch light.

I was asked by one patrolman to identify myself, Which I did, thinking to myself "Am I going to be arrested?". The officer then asked me if I knew a Debbie Johnson...And I knew exactly where this was going once the officers asked if they could come inside, they had news to tell me that they HATE delivering...

About 10:43pm last night Debbie was driving to work in my 2003 Pontiac Grand Prix when something happened to cause her to leave the road about 2 miles West of the town of Verden...The car rolled and she died at the scene

How could this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Why did some unknown force decide to flatten my soul EXACTLY to the day 31 years later after my Dad's death on October 22,1977? Why was she taken from me just as we were to re-new our lives? How am I supposed to go forward in this life when the person who knew me best has passed beyond my grasp? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I am at a loss for words...I am sitting in this house alone with only the memories to haunt me.

If you don't see me on the Ledge in the foreseeable future, you will know why. My soul has been damaged beyond repair.

[gretchen]

Oh Brian, words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you; and words must seem meaningless right now. To lose the love of your life is so tragically horrible. Though I don't know you personally Honey, I can feel the agony in your words and it saddens me to the core.

Your friends at the Ledge are here to help you in any way they can with much love and caring.

Warming hugs of comfort for you,

Gretch

[strandinthewind]

This is a tragic turn for you and I am deeply sorry for Debbie and for your loss of her. You are in my prayers my friend and I also pray for the reposal of her soul. In life, she and you conquered so much in terms of her illness only to have it now taken away. Please know you are not alone in this in that you have support here.

[estranged4life]

Thanks...

I just had to call the wrecker service to give my approval for her personal belongings to be retrieved...

The car hit a culvert, went 115 feet in the air and landed on its top...The person I spoke to said "it was VERY bad"

OHP thinks she may have had a 'medical incident' which led to the crash...An autopsy is pending.

I am numb...I have now lost 2 people who meant so much in my world on the date Oct.22nd...

I could die now...

[GypsySorcerer]

Brian, I have tears in my eyes. I know nothing I can say will change anything or make you feel better... just know my heart goes out to you. I know how much you and Debbie had gone through, and this just breaks my heart, especially since you had just renewed your relationship.

[BTFLCHLD]

Brian, I am here/there for you day...night...calling you brother.

[GODDESS6]

omg, brian, my heart is breaking for you~ i am crying as i type this~ you are such a special person, i can't believe this has happened~ i had her as a friend on myspace & she has always been a very kind sweet person~ i wish i knew what to say to make you feel better~ just know that you & debbie are in my heart & prayers & like niki said if you ever need anything, don't hesitate~
bless you my friend:xoxo:~
RIP debbie, you will be missed:angel:~

[macpai]

I'm very sorry, Brian. My heart truly goes out to you.

[Sorceress]

I'm so sorry.

[estranged4life]

and sad...

Talked to the M.E. (Medical Examiner) and he stated her cause of death was "aphixation due to strangulation of the seatbelt", Had someone seen the wreck or someone discovered her right after the accident and pulled her out, "she would have EASILY survived with only 2 abbrasions on her arms and no other possible injuries". She must have been knocked unconscious...

Wasnt a heartattack nor a stroke...Unknown if an animal ran into her path, (That stretch of highway is known for deer) there was no skidmarks from the brakes which is puzzling the M.E. - He said we may never know what caused the accident.

The car just went straight off the road, hit a culvert went 115 feet in the air - flipped over onto its roof and landed. The seatbelt sufficated her in the upside down position...

I'm ruined...

Please God kill me...

[BTFLCHLD]

oh brian. I will talk to you again in a little bit. I'm so sorry.

[gretchen]

Oh my God Brian, how just utterly awful. I am thinking of you Sweetie. (((BRIAN)))

[wondergirl9847]

Brian, I sent you a PM too, but wanted to say my heart is hurting for you right now. Your life has been filled with pain and this just adds to it. I am so sorry and my prayers are with you, no doubt. Please know that there are people here who care about you and are around to listen.

There just aren't any words to express my condolences to you. The pain is excruciating, I know. My cousin was killed in a car accident back in 2005. She veered off the road a bit, flipped and hit a tree. :( She died on the way to the hospital.

You are devastated and I pray that you will find strength.

[SuzeQuze]

This is so awful, I'm so sorry, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[kak125]

I just want to extend my deepest sympathy to you and hope that god helps you through this awful time. Please take care of yourself and check in every so often so we know how you are doing.
Take care

[estranged4life]

I just made it back from the funeral home, where I had to make the burial plans...

Nothing feels as final as that...

I lost all belief in this life...

Oct.22nd now haunts me two-fold: My father Geary Allen Johnson Sr. died on this day and now my ex-wife Debbie Ann Johnson

What is wrong with this world I reside in? Does God contiually toss more weight onto my shoulders to make me into a modern day version of Job?

Seat-belts don't save...Not in this case:

"She was wearing her seatbelt....BUT, that was a hinderance. With her position in the car, which was upside down on it's roof, the seatbelt cut off her breathing and she aphixated. Had someone seen the accident or arrived upon it immediately there-after she could have been pulled from the car and survived with only scrapes and two-minor lacerations on her arms" - M.E.

If I live to see Oct.22,2009 THAT WILL BE A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian "I have become COMFORTABLY NUMB" j.

[GODDESS6]

I just made it back from the funeral home, where I had to make the burial plans...

Nothing feels as final as that...

I lost all belief in this life...

Oct.22nd now haunts me two-fold: My father Geary Allen Johnson Sr. died on this day and now my ex-wife Debbie Ann Johnson

What is wrong with this world I reside in? Does God contiually toss more weight onto my shoulders to make me into a modern day version of Job?

Seat-belts don't save...Not in this case:

"She was wearing her seatbelt....BUT, that was a hinderance. With her position in the car, which was upside down on it's roof, the seatbelt cut off her breathing and she aphixated. Had someone seen the accident or arrived upon it immediately there-after she could have been pulled from the car and survived with only scrapes and two-minor lacerations on her arms" - M.E.

If I live to see Oct.22,2009 THAT WILL BE A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian "I have become COMFORTABLY NUMB" j.

hang in there brian, i know that sounds so cliche' & i don't mean it to be~ you 2 didn't deserve an ending like this, i am sad & pissed at the world right now for letting this happen~ i am very happy for you tho, that you spent her last days on life together~ that is comforting to me & i hope it is for you~ bless both of you~ you both have touched many lives~
bless you friend~

[ashton]

I didn't read this thread as I thought it was the same as other prayer request threads.

Sorry to hear about what happened.

[skcin]

Brian,

I am truly sorry for your loss.

[Betsy]

Brian,

It is definitely a shock. I am so sorry. It sounds like a bad dream, but unforutnately, it isn't.

Life is not fair. I believe in the spirit world and believe that everything happens for a reason. I am not wise enough to know what those reasons are.

Know that you are not alone and please do not despair. I know how easily despair approaches. You have lots of friends. Count me in as one of them.

May you find peace in your soul. I am lighting a candle for you.

[shackin'up]

Holy focking crap. Grab sanity in your love for music, buddy, you're in my thoughts...

[gldstwmn]

Dear God Brian, this is shocking and I am so sorry... Please don't fade away. I know it's hard but you've got to try and stay in touch with people now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you my friend.

[gldstwmn]

Thanks...

I just had to call the wrecker service to give my approval for her personal belongings to be retrieved...

The car hit a culvert, went 115 feet in the air and landed on its top...The person I spoke to said "it was VERY bad"

OHP thinks she may have had a 'medical incident' which led to the crash...An autopsy is pending.

I am numb...I have now lost 2 people who meant so much in my world on the date Oct.22nd...

I could die now...

I don't know if this bit of information is in any way helpful to you but my mother and brother died on the same day, 11 years apart, November 21st. You are not alone.

[markolas]

:distress: Very, very sorry to hear this. You and Debbie will both be in my prayers.

[iamnotafraid]

Brian, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I pray that God will help you.

[Musicman408]

because last night I had to endure the worst feeling one can suffer through in their entire lives.

About a week ago my former wife Debbie and myself started talking about a reconciliation, and we started down that road over the weekend when I decided to move back home to be with her. All was happy and things were going great for us, we were happy as we once were years ago and life was to be great...

But last night at about 12am I heard a commotion outside the house (We lived on a "Dead End Street") but didnt think much of it. Theen I heard car door slam....Still thinking nothing of it. I decided to go check out the kitchen window to see who was making that noise outside.

I noticed a Carnegie PD patrol car and a OHP (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) outside and remembered what Debbie had told me just a few days earlier about how the Carnegie PD had someone stopped at the intersection just down the street. So I assumed that they had once again had someone stopped and decided "Eh, No big deal..." and I sat back down at the computer desk to finish a CDR I was working on...

When I heard a knock on the door, and not the type one wants to hear at this time of the night, especially when one had seen patrolmen outside their home. I jumped up to the door and said "Hold on a second" - so I could unlock the door and turn on the porch light.

I was asked by one patrolman to identify myself, Which I did, thinking to myself "Am I going to be arrested?". The officer then asked me if I knew a Debbie Johnson...And I knew exactly where this was going once the officers asked if they could come inside, they had news to tell me that they HATE delivering...

About 10:43pm last night Debbie was driving to work in my 2003 Pontiac Grand Prix when something happened to cause her to leave the road about 2 miles West of the town of Verden...The car rolled and she died at the scene

How could this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Why did some unknown force decide to flatten my soul EXACTLY to the day 31 years later after my Dad's death on October 22,1977? Why was she taken from me just as we were to re-new our lives? How am I supposed to go forward in this life when the person who knew me best has passed beyond my grasp? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I am at a loss for words...I am sitting in this house alone with only the memories to haunt me.

If you don't see me on the Ledge in the foreseeable future, you will know why. My soul has been damaged beyond repair.

Brian..... I do not even know what to say...... I am so so sorry... and I know that means nothing right now.... but you are in my thoughts and prayers..... I just want you to know that I'll be thinking of you... but beyond that, I do not know what to say....

I am so sorry.

[Richard B]

Brian,

I am without words. You have my condolences.
Please, please hang in there and hold your head up high. This is what your loved ones, past and present, want for you.

With sympathy-
Richard

[macpai]

Please, please hang in there and hold your head up high. This is what your loved ones, past and present, want for you.


This is the most important thought of all.
They want you to go on.
Please do it to the very very best of your ability. It's something you can do for them as well as yourself.

[DavidMn]

Brian, all I can say to you is that 5 years ago I lost someone that was very dear to me, a great aunt, and I ended up in the hospital for a week and nearly died after a suicide attempt. BELIEVE ME, I know at least in a small way what you are going through.

[estranged4life]

I'm still here and awake, took a pill to help me sleep after the stress of this day...

I am actually the most spent mentally I have been ever in my adult life....

Running on just sheer will to hang in there and not quit...

I have my brother and family here with me, so I am fine I guess...

Mentally I am damaged, and this latest tragedy in my life has possibly pushed me over the edge, but I cling to that 'ledge' (Uh, No pun intended) with my fingers in hope I can pull myself up and over onto solid ground.

Debbie wouldnt want me to quit, nor would my Mom (If I harmed myself, Who would be waiting for me on the other side other than Mom, Who would kick my ass so hard that I would wear my ass as a hat and be a true asshat) so I try to hang in there best I can...

As the song goes "All I Can Do is Write About It"

[CelticGypsy]

Brian,

My heart and prayers go out to you. I don't know why God took Debbie at this time from you but there always is a reason why. Don't be angry with God or with anyone in this world. I have lost a few good people in my life including my mother and my father has about six months to live and sometimes we have to accept God's Will and go on with our lives. I will be thinking of you and sincerely wish you the best in your future. Remember, Debbie with beautiful thoughts and memories. Remember her fondly with love and devotion. That is what she would want for you to do. She would want you to love her and remember her but also she would want you to be happy and go on with your life. Remember that. I am a wife and I know that I would not want my husband and children sad if anything should happen to me. I would want them to move on and have good memories of me. Debbie would want the same from you. Be strong for her so she can look down from Heaven and smile. God bless you!!!

[GoS]

I am truely at a loss for words. I read this for the first time yesterday and felt horrible. Only now do I feel that I can even say anything, so you must be feeling worse than imaginable. The only good part about this is that the two of you had made up and had a happy last few days together. Just hang in there and know that you have an infiniiate number of friends here on the Ledge that are here for you when ever you need us! This is just horrible.

[mylittledemon]

because last night I had to endure the worst feeling one can suffer through in their entire lives.

About a week ago my former wife Debbie and myself started talking about a reconciliation, and we started down that road over the weekend when I decided to move back home to be with her. All was happy and things were going great for us, we were happy as we once were years ago and life was to be great...

But last night at about 12am I heard a commotion outside the house (We lived on a "Dead End Street") but didnt think much of it. Theen I heard car door slam....Still thinking nothing of it. I decided to go check out the kitchen window to see who was making that noise outside.

I noticed a Carnegie PD patrol car and a OHP (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) outside and remembered what Debbie had told me just a few days earlier about how the Carnegie PD had someone stopped at the intersection just down the street. So I assumed that they had once again had someone stopped and decided "Eh, No big deal..." and I sat back down at the computer desk to finish a CDR I was working on...

When I heard a knock on the door, and not the type one wants to hear at this time of the night, especially when one had seen patrolmen outside their home. I jumped up to the door and said "Hold on a second" - so I could unlock the door and turn on the porch light.

I was asked by one patrolman to identify myself, Which I did, thinking to myself "Am I going to be arrested?". The officer then asked me if I knew a Debbie Johnson...And I knew exactly where this was going once the officers asked if they could come inside, they had news to tell me that they HATE delivering...

About 10:43pm last night Debbie was driving to work in my 2003 Pontiac Grand Prix when something happened to cause her to leave the road about 2 miles West of the town of Verden...The car rolled and she died at the scene

How could this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Why did some unknown force decide to flatten my soul EXACTLY to the day 31 years later after my Dad's death on October 22,1977? Why was she taken from me just as we were to re-new our lives? How am I supposed to go forward in this life when the person who knew me best has passed beyond my grasp? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I am at a loss for words...I am sitting in this house alone with only the memories to haunt me.

If you don't see me on the Ledge in the foreseeable future, you will know why. My soul has been damaged beyond repair.


I JUST read this post. Oh My God. I am really feeling for you right now. Terrible.

You know what? My father died on my birthday...i am too acquainted with the grief that comes with. It doesn't make ANY SENSE. I suppose it never will.

From an outsiders perspective, in the very least you and your wife were back on the road to recovery. None of us are promised tomorrow...we have have to die. But at least you and your wife were given a chance to patch things up. You may feel worse about it had she passed and you and her were always on **** terms.

When it comes to losing people, it always seems like there's no bright side of the coin. After losing my Dad I thought no good could or would come from it, but there has been good...and it makes sense to me in my heart. Time hasn't healed the wound yet, and I don't think the grief is ever fully healed. BUT, if I didn't believe things are happening for a bigger purpose I probably just couldn't go on. So i have trust and hope in that.

I remember Tolkien wrote something beautiful once about Death; and how it's a road we all inevitably take. He said it was a gift to Men, from God himself. He said only as the years of earth wore slowly on that Death became a grief to men and they came to fear it because of the shadow of evil in the world. I mean, it's not Nietzsche, but beautiful nonetheless.

Our prayers are with you my friend!

[estranged4life]

Well, I'm sitting here having exhausted myself to the point I cannot let my guard down or something may happen (I can understand why the M.E. told me "You wouldn't believe how many people harm themselves after such traumatic news").

I have all the arrangements for her burial, which will be Tuesday at 2pm.

I picked out on of her nursing uniforms for her to wear as she is laid to rest, since we had (In the past) talked about that 'inevitable' time that could occur (I figured I would pass before she would). Picked out the headstone and all the other related issues that go with a funeral.

I had the funeral director place a handmade double-wedding band ring quilt in her casket along with 2 handmade Raggiedy-Ann and Andy dolls (The quilt and dolls were made by my Mom as presents for Debbie). He asked if I would like to view her, I declined - I cannot deal with that...I am STILL HAUNTED by seeing my Mom in that manner.

The (car) insurance company have been PRICKS to me...Showing ZERO regard to this tragedy. They dont care that Debbie died, all they WANT is their f**kin' $$$$. Hadn't even been 24 hours after the accident and they were ALREADY concerned about their OWN SELF-INTEREST over my interest. They act as if the car was not a total lost...The front axle was bent and broken, the tires were bent from vertical to horizontal, If that isnt proof of being TOTALLED then I dont know I can find an example that will show what TOTALLED is.

Questions continue to run through my head "Did someone force her off the road?" "Did someone see something noone else saw that night and not report it?" "How was the car located if others on the highway did not see the accident?"

I plan to post an ad in the local newspapers asking if someone may have seen something that night. I have her cellphone (Which was in her purse, which was with her until the funeral home received her body) and I know what time the hospital placed calls trying to locate her (11:23pm) - and I know the EXACT time she left the house (9:50 pm). Someone somewhere had to see something...There are oil-rigs in that general area and those truck PLOW off onto the highway without regard for others at ALL times of the night, I even encountered a few of those trucks without any lighting (Tail/Head/Brake) at night with the same car she died in.

Sitting here alone in the house...Hangin' in there the best I can.

I grieve in private...I don't like people to see me at my most vunerable.

Thank God I have prescribed propoxyphene (100M) to take to calm my SHATTERED NERVES & SOUL.

[eclipse]

Brian
I know we rerally don't know each other except for occasional exchanges on the ledge..but this is such tragic news my heart breaks for you. I honestly do not know how I would react in your posistion. The only thing that you can do right now is think and THINK hard about your girlfriend and the hopes that you had for the future together. Many before have said things happen for a reason...who knows ?:perhaps in a week she would have found out that she was deathly ill with whatever and had to live through the agony of dealing with a slow painful end, that-as well as your devestation. Maybe this is fate's way of taking her, quickly and probably painlessly (She was more than likely unconscience when alll this was happening)
Think of the good- I know it is hard through the darkness, but she got to spend her last few days with you and that is where SHE wanted to be. That is what is important my friend-How you effect others' lives. Know that she died hopeful and optomistic for the future. You have endured more pain than many a soul could bear, and you are still here there is a reason, my friend.

You cannot see it now but there is a reason that you are still here-alone in your grief and strife, but Brian you are strong and you WILL get through this trauma. All of us here are praying and sending warm thoughts.
My sympathies on the loss of your beloved...
but for whatever reason-you were meant to carry on.
So do her proud, be strong and stand up for the ones that have lost their voice- You're stronger than you realise and you will get through this...
blessed be to all,
just breathe....
always, anna
aka eclipse

[GypsySorcerer]

You've been in my thoughts all day today and yesterday, Brian. About the only thing I can say is to echo what Jill and some others have said..... that if Debbie's time on Earth were nearing the end, I am glad she spent them reunited with you. Your love for her is evident in your words.

[estranged4life]

to hang in there, but I feel I'm slipping away...

I always thought the song "Estranged" was about 'someone else' from my past, when all along it was about Debbie. I'm living these lyrics at this exact moment, but in a finality point of view:

"When you're talkin to yourself
And nobody's home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone
(Alone)

So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
One, two

Old at heart but I'm only 28
And I'm much too young
To let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart

I don't know how you're s'posed
To find me lately
An what more could you ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I musn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

Still talkin' to myself and nobody's home
(Alone)

So nobody ever told us baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see

When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
An you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for

Well I jumped into the river too many times
to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
'Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything We've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die

I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time
Oh this time
Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die"

I am for once at a loss for words...

[macmar71]

I am so sorry to hear this. My prayers are with you.

[Johnny Stew]

Brian... I don't know what to say. I'm so very sorry that you've lost Debbie.

Just please know you're in my thoughts and I'm wishing you strength, my friend.

[estranged4life]

it is much appreciated.


My sorrow is still here, but my anger is starting to boil. Some questions need to be answered before I can understand "why".

My older brother thought of some valid questions I need to ask to the OHP and the officials who investigated the accident:

#1 HOW was the accident reported? Did someone report the accident via cellphone? Did a person happen upon the scene? Debbie left the house at 9:50pm and her cellphone showed that calls from her employer & co-workers continued from 11:23pm until 12:03am of Oct.23rd - but the OHP reported to me that the accident occurred at about 10:43pm and the OHP was in my living room at around 12am. Did the accident actually happen at 10:43pm? Was it called in at 10:43pm?

I can TELL ANYONE from experience that there is NO WAY IN F**KING HELL that no TRAFFIC was not on that highway in those 55 minutes from the time she left home until the accident...No way, I will bet my ENTIRE MUSIC COLLECTION on that, that is how sure I am because I drove that road on a near daily basis for the past 8 years!!!

#2 HOW could NOONE see the car accident when my Grand Prix had daylight running lamps installed that STAY on when the key is in the ignition and in the on position and only turn OFF when the car's ignition is in the OFF position? There is NO WAY one could NOT have seen the car from the highway, My brother & I drove that stretch of road last night and a car could have EASILY been seen from the highway (A 4 lane U.S. Highway at that)


#3 Why did the HOSPITAL NOT call me when they could not reach Debbie? They had my phone number, they could have called me and asked, but noone called me at all. Instead of trying to call her why didnt they call me? That makes no sense at all.


Update: I was able to verify when she received the calls from the hospital and her friends/co-friends, and to why that hospital was unable to contact me when she did not arrive on time: Their record of my phone was a number I havent had since around 2002.

[The Catdancer]

I just read this, Brian and I'm so sad for you. I wish there was something I could do/say to make you feel better or have an answer to all your questions. Unfortunately I don't know what to say. Except that I'm so very sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts, my friend. Please hang in there, Debbie would have wanted you to.

[Peestie]

Brian,

like many people here I don't know exactly what you're going through and you have my deepest condolences. I've sent you a PM (as I'm sure many have) and I can just echo the sentiments of many people here. I hope you can eventually find some peace and I'm so sorry that you had to experience such a terrible even in your life. Please hang in there.

Stay safe,
Peter.

[estranged4life]

Well, Spent 2 hours talking to the M.E. tonight - had all my questions answered.

He is very sure that she may have had some type of unknown 'medical incident', since the car traveled 260' parallel to the road before hitting a 10" concrete drainage culvert. The car 'hard rolled' 1.5 times (Imagine a domino standing up and flipping it 1.5 times) and landed. Her injuries would NOT have killed her - but being unconscious as the M.E. believes she may have been, she may have aphixated in that manner.

The seat belt was in the normal position and did not fail. It possibly kept her from breathing IF she was only knocked unconscious, but if she had a 'medical incident' it may not have mattered.

Had she been only knocked unconscious and someone may have seen the accident, and helped free or pull her from the car, the M.E. said she would have had a 100% chance of survival.

There was no evidence of an animal wandering into her path, no no evidence of another vehicle causing the accident (Though he said "the other vehicle therory may be possible, there was no evidence on the Grand Prix pointing that she was struck by another vehicle.") and his opinion it was indeed a 'natural incident'.

[DavidMn]

Well, Spent 2 hours talking to the M.E. tonight - had all my questions answered.

He is very sure that she may have had some type of unknown 'medical incident', since the car traveled 260' parallel to the road before hitting a 10" concrete drainage culvert. The car 'hard rolled' 1.5 times (Imagine a domino standing up and flipping it 1.5 times) and landed. Her injuries would NOT have killed her - but being unconscious as the M.E. believes she may have been, she may have aphixated in that manner.

The seat belt was in the normal position and did not fail. It possibly kept her from breathing IF she was only knocked unconscious, but if she had a 'medical incident' it may not have mattered.

Had she been only knocked unconscious and someone may have seen the accident, and helped free or pull her from the car, the M.E. said she would have had a 100% chance of survival.

There was no evidence of an animal wandering into her path, no no evidence of another vehicle causing the accident (Though he said "the other vehicle therory may be possible, there was no evidence on the Grand Prix pointing that she was struck by another vehicle.") and his opinion it was indeed a 'natural incident'.I wonder if she may have had a heart defect that wasnt dectected? Maybe they could look into that to ease you and her family's minds? just a thought.

[Moz]

Perhaps she fell asleep or just zoned off and went off the road?

Any way it happened, I am so sorry. At least you have the comfort in knowing you were on good terms with her during her last days. Not many people can say that!

Hang in there!

[estranged4life]

Perhaps she fell asleep or just zoned off and went off the road?

Any way it happened, I am so sorry. At least you have the comfort in knowing you were on good terms with her during her last days. Not many people can say that!

Hang in there!

and he said very, very rarely do accidents occur when one traveling falls asleep and their car goes in a straight path for distances. He said almost every case he has investigated there is some proof of some attempt to rectify going off the road by applying brakes, oversteering, etc.

He said with a distance of 260' in a straight parallel to highway (50MPH - She usually sat cruise control when she drove to 55mph) before impact with the small residential culvert (The part of the highway she was on was a straight area) that she may have suffered a sudden death before impact.

She had started on a CPAP treatment about 2-3 weeks ago, and the M.E. said I should investigate into that:

CPAP

"Fixed-pressure CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure)
A continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP) machine is used mainly by patients for the treatment of sleep apnea at home. Obstructive sleep apnea occurs when the upper airway becomes narrow as the muscles relax naturally during sleep. This reduces oxygen in the blood and causes arousal from sleep. The CPAP machine stops this phenomenon by delivering a stream of compressed air via a hose to a nasal pillow, nose mask or full-face mask, splinting the airway (keeping it open under air pressure) so that unobstructed breathing becomes possible, reducing and/or preventing apneas and hypopneas. This has the additional benefit of reducing or eliminating the extremely loud snoring that sometimes accompanies sleep apnea.

The CPAP machine blows air at a prescribed pressure (also called the titrated pressure). The necessary pressure is usually determined by a sleep physician after review of a study supervised by a sleep technician during an overnight study (polysomnography) in a sleep laboratory. The titrated pressure is the pressure of air at which most (if not all) apneas and hypopneas have been prevented, and it is usually measured in centimetres of water (cm H2O). The pressure required by most patients with sleep apnea ranges between 6 and 14 cm H2O. A typical CPAP machine can deliver pressures between 4 and 20 cm H2O. More specialized units can deliver pressures up to 25 or 30 cm H2O.

CPAP treatment can be highly effective in treatment of obstructive sleep apnea. [1] For some patients, the improvement in the quality of sleep and quality of life due to CPAP treatment will be noticed after a single night's use. Often, the patient's sleep partner also benefits from markedly improved sleep quality, due to the amelioration of the patient's loud snoring.

Given that sleep apnea is a chronic health issue and doesn't go away, ongoing care is needed to maintain CPAP therapy. Based on the study of cognitive behavioral therapy (referenced above), ongoing chronic care management is the best way to help patients continue therapy by educating them on the health risks of sleep apnea and providing motivation and support."

--------------------------------------------

I'm hangin' in there as best I can...The info the M.E. gave me sat me at ease some.

I'd gladly give my life up if God gave her her life back...the world needs more nurses who are dedicated to their occupation of caring for people than caring about $$$$

Here is the link to her myspace page if one wants to leave condelences:

http://profile.myspace.com/177136002

[BTFLCHLD]

Brian, very good to speak with you again tonight. I am thankful that you spoke with the ME and have found a sense of ease this evening. You are not far from my mind, I am praying for you a lot. I will give you a call tomorrow when I return home. Please try to get some rest. Here for you...niki.

[estranged4life]

^^^ I just cannot sleep in this empty home, too many bad memories have happened to me within these walls...And no medicine can 'stifle all those screams'.

[BTFLCHLD]

'stifle all those screams'. I can only imagine, Brian. I am having a hard time sleeping too.

[michelle2677]

brian, i am SO sorry about your loss. i know you feel alone, but you are not. just on the ledge you have so many people who care about you and want to make sure you're safe. please take it one day at a time. that's really all you can do. ask for help when you need it. i know the thought of finding out what exactly happened is keeping you focused right now, but when that goes away, please remember you are loved. i don't know why things like this happen, i honestly don't. i'm so sorry and please take care of yourself.

[gldstwmn]

My sorrow is still here, but my anger is starting to boil.

This is a good sign. Keep hangin' in.

[Zombie]

I just read this whole thread with tears in my eyes. I've sent you a PM, as I imagine many others have done, but I just wanted to again say that if you need someone around that understands a bit of where you are right now, I'm here.

I also lost someone very dear to me, very suddenly, just as he & I were finally recovered from our breakup and back to being best friends. One moment he was there, and then he wasn't - I lost my best friend, but more importantly... my kids lost their father. He loved them so very, very much, and they just didn't get enough time together.

But I guess there's never enough time for anyone when it comes to this, is there?

There are no words of consolation that anyone can speak that make it hurt less. I find that, even a few years later, the thing that brings me the most comfort is just talking about him, even if all I do is briefly mention how he was overly fond of strolling around the house singing "Rock Lobster" in a ridiculously high-pitched voice for no apparent reason and usually at completely inopportune moments. ;)

In time, you will find that you are better equipped to deal with the pain of it all, but it never goes away.

But even though it never goes away, with time you also realize that it's okay that it's there - because the pain is what allows you to always remember that she was real, how a great part of your life she was, and how much she meant to you. It's a testament to who she was, that her passing leaves such a gap, and though we all never want to have to deal with something like this, you realize that if it has to happen, then the pain you feel because of it is somehow its own blessing - it means that no matter how much time passes, she was monumental enough that you bear the imprint of her life on yours forever... and even though it seems like she's gone now, in that way, she never will be.

I don't know if there is a "reason" those we love die, but I am pretty sure that right there is the reason we live.

Please be kind to yourself.

-Annie

[ontheEdgeof17]

You are in my thoughts. Sending you much, much love.

[Steviefan49]

Hey Brian,

I'm SOOOOO very sorryand saddened to just be reading about this, and your loss of Debbie. My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you at this time. After losing a boyfriend I had been with for 11 years, I always knew he was with me, in my heart, and still is to this day. Just know that Debbie is with you, and will be with you always. I'm sending you lots of love and light in getting through this..


All my love to you,

Arlene

[jannieC]

Oh Brian, I don't even know what to say- this is just so tragic. You are very much in my thoughts and prayers. Please continue to reach out to those who love you; try not to isolate yourself too much right now.

[CharmedHour]

Brian, I am so sorry. This is so sad and so tragic. Hang in there. You are in my prayers. Sending you hugs... (((hug)))

[estranged4life]

Thanks y'all.

Here is the address of the funeral home that will be doing the services if you would like to send flowers:

Ray & Martha's Funeral Home
20 W.Main St.
Carnegie, OK 73015
580-654-1800

[JazmenFlowers]

Brian, I am so very, very sorry. I will be thinking of you. xoxo

[MacMan]

Brian... I'm so sorry for your loss! Really! This is just terrible... Almost unbelievable.

[MiniLindsey]

Brian, there is nothing I can say that hasn't already been said here, but you are in my thoughts. I hope you can pull through this tragedy okay.

[BTFLCHLD]

Good to talk to you tonight, Brian.
I will give you a call again tomorrow.

[Chrislit18]

I just read this thread for the first time, and Brian, I can't even begin to express how sad I am for you. You are such a nice guy, and it sucks that this had to happen to you. I can't begin to know what that must feel like - what you're going through, or any of it - but I want you to know that I am sorry, and I wish there was something I could do to help you through your hard time.

Loosing someone special always hurts, and I hope that someday your pain is eased.

[littlewolf]

Seat-belts don't save...Not in this case:

"She was wearing her seatbelt....BUT, that was a hinderance. With her position in the car, which was upside down on it's roof, the seatbelt cut off her breathing and she aphixated. Had someone seen the accident or arrived upon it immediately there-after she could have been pulled from the car and survived with only scrapes and two-minor lacerations on her arms" - M.E.
Had she not used seat-belt,she would've been thrown around and killed by that.It gave her a chance that sadly wasn't to be.

I use that date excuse myself,to beat myself,but
you have to remember,date doesn't mean anything,had it happened one day later,you wouldn't have thought,what a good luck.

If your house seems to haunt you with bad feelings,move.
It's only a house,you can take all the good memories with you wherever you go.
Things will look better,have a faith in better tomorrow.

[msLinds]

I am very sorry Brian to hear about your loss.My condolences to you and your family.I am sending Debbie and you my prayers.take care and be good to yourself.
Linds
California

[WildHeart69]

Brian,

I am sorry to read the pages in this thread... I pray that you stay strong and get through this tough time.

Keep writing! Letting your emotions out through writing can be a great way to deal with the pain.

Best Wishes,

Mike

[WelshWitchPMD]

Brian, I am so sorry to hear about Debbie. I really don't know what to say. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[MoonChilde]

Dear Brian..
My heart aches for you also...I send my thoughts and prayers to you and to the Heavens above that you will somehow find some peace in your heart and know that Love lives on always..

Hang in there ..Jill

[estranged4life]

Had she not used seat-belt,she would've been thrown around and killed by that.It gave her a chance that sadly wasn't to be.

I'm just angry and sad at the same time...The M.E. told me the seat-belts, more than likely, will not be a factor in the 'final accident report', which now leaves the question of the unknown (I will be asking about the CPAP machine tomorrow)

I just want her back, the finance compacy can take the car, recycle it for parts (Which they will) and shove it up their UNCARING asses! I will GLADLY pay the $500 deductible in that case.

Oh, I still wear my seat-belt...and will until, uh...

[estranged4life]

Looking forward to this coming week, Tuesday will be the WORST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THE WORST.

How am I going to be able to let go and say 'goodbye' to someone who was a part of my life (Through all the goods & bads) for over 17 years? Someone who understood me when even I couldn't? I don't see a good outcome coming my way this Tuesday...I know what I am capable of and I am afraid....

I wouldnt wish my pain & agony on ANYONE...EVEN those I dislike...or HATE

I was reading the Oct.20th myspace blog entry I made, and indeed it was "prophetic" to say the least...Just not in the way I thought (Trust me, if I was asked to give up my life so Debbie would live I would without a second's thought - She offered more to life than I):


"October 20, 2008 - Monday

Superstitious is me...
Current mood: nervous
Category: Life


Usually this week of the year I am very superstitious in regards to the dates.

Let's see:

1 - Oct.18th - I think is the date (I may not have the 18th as an accurate date) when one of my Mom's cousins was killed in a drunken car accident that was someone elses fault.

2 - Oct 19th - In 1989, My 2 cousins Wendy & Wendell were killed in a car wreck, once again caused by some drunken ****er-on-a-stick, Who decided to try to outrun the police by driving into an intersection at around 90 MPH and his car became airborne and plowed into Wendy's car.

3 - Oct.21st - (1966) My older brother Geary's birthday - The ONLY positive in this strange days of October

4 - Oct 22nd - (1977) The day my father Geary Sr. was killed, yes again, by some drunken waste of sperm/humanity. Gee, and people QUESTION why I NEVER drink. Well DUH!!!

Now if occurences like this happened on non-consecutive days I could probably be able to feel less paranoid...But unfortunately I suffer from the "Johnson" family curse and that is "if the **** hits the fan, it is usually ours" (Well, that curse and the one with COLLECTING stuff, in my case, Compact discs!!!)

Went shopping this afternoon, and I drove as carefully as possible, but still there was about 4 times when IDIOTS in other automobiles SWERVED over the yellow line in my path - which led me to believe that either the state of Oklahoma allows anyone with the IQ of a common house-fly to possess a drivers license or that maybe, just maybe it was my time to fill in that DAMNED blank on the 20th by biting the weiner of life and going tits up in the ground (I prefer to be cremated - I dont want ASSHOLES at my graveside WHINING about caring/missing me when I know better, Because otherwise my zombie-fied carcass will fly out of the grave to tell them "Please, Shut the F**K up")

Well, Here's hoping to the rest of the week that I don't trip on a banana peel (I don't wear shoes with laces, so that is one less 'suicide by clumsiness' scenario outta the way) on fall over the infamous "Turd Burgular" (My WEIRD Norwegian Forest cat) and break my neck.

Till next time...UNLESS????!!!!"

------------------------------------------

I guess I could bury my pain in an alcohol/drug induced haze, but what would that accomplish? The problem will still be there...All I can do is face it and try to deal with it in my own way. I internalize things differently than most, I am sensitize to certain feelings moreso than most men and I am NOT afraid to show those emotions....and right now those emotions are flowing from me as fast as I can type.

But I am STILL HERE...Still grasping on the Ledge (Again, no pun intended) and trying to hang on to 'this thing called life'. If I go down, IT WILL BE WITH A FIGHT!!!

[gretchen]

Hi Brian, I'm thinking about you today Hon...just thought you'd want to know. :angel:

Luv -n- Hugs,

Gretch

[estranged4life]

^^^
Wanna know what is ironic (But not shocking either), the Medical Examiner and I talked about other things in our lives besides the 'obvious'...

And he will be sending me a CD of the band he played in so I can attempt to fix digital skips on that copy. Man, seems people know somehow that I am a music junkie and audiophile (The M.E. knew Debbie from her work at the hospital) so I will be fixing that for him.

Weird...

[madformac]

Brian, I've only just found out about this and I had no idea, I don't really use the internet any more and so I'm sorry for only just posting here but I didn't know where else to find you.

I'm so very very sorry for your loss and you have all my sympathies, not that they are of any use I'm sure. I think you've gone through more trauma than anyone I've ever met and you still have the heart of a lion dude.

I recall many fond memories of Debbie and even though we have never physically met I feel I've shared, as have many here, your good times, and of course the tough times too. I think its only in these times of loss and extreme circumstances that someone's real character comes out and I know yours is of a very strong and couragous man.. You are one hell of a guy Brian.

You have had to carry so much on your shoulders yet you still have so much respect and time for others, your family and friends, and even people like me, 4000 miles away. It's quite amazing. You care about everybody and everybody here cares about you, so you hang in there man. You've been through too much **** to give it up. Use it, use it and embrace it, try and make sense of it all and do something positive, otherwise all you have been through will be for nothing.

Brian, you have all my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find the answers you need, take care my friend,

Justin.

[shackin'up]

I just choked up by reading Justin's post. You're still a great guy Justin! Brian, I can only say that above post represents my feelings too. Hell, this religionless soul will even pray for you man.

Gerald

[Street_Dreamer]

Thoughts and prayers go out to you. Take care and be well.

Matt

[trackaghost]

Brian, I just wanted to offer my condolences too. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday.

[SuzeQuze]

Hang in there tomorrow, Brian. We'll all be thinking of you and praying for you.

[GypsySorcerer]

You'll be in my thoughts today, Brian.

[estranged4life]

Trying to get prepared for the WORST day ever in my life...I am trying to be strong to make it through this day, but I am SCARED.

I have never been this scared in my life...I hate 'goodbye'...

Sitting here watching "Cowboy Bebop" episode #5 "Ballad of Fallen Angels", Both Deb & I loved this anime and this is the best anime episode of any series of ALL-TIME. Look it up if its on youtube, the climax is in a cathedral with music that WILL be played at the funeral today.

Here is a clip featuring the full length song, "Rain" by Mai Yamane

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/l9_p-nhZXLg&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/l9_p-nhZXLg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>



Please pray for me to not go off the deep end today...

Brian "Spike Spiegel" j.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cowboy_bebop

[wondergirl9847]

Prayers for strength today, Brian.

[iamnotafraid]

Brian, you're in my thoughts today.
Hang in there buddy.

[GODDESS6]

my thoughta are certainly w/ you brian on this day~ be strong & bless you~

[macmar71]

Hang in there, Brian. You have been in my thoughts and prayers since the day I read the sad news. Take Care.

[Gypsy-Rhiannon]

Brian... I'm so so sorry that I didn't see this thread before and I'm devastated to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you

[estranged4life]

Just made it home, I'm sad...No other way to describe how I am feeling.

Ending up crying at the beginning of the ceremony and at the end, If noone heard me they had to be deaf...simple as that, I broke down and cried like no other.

Had the songs "Rain" by Mai Yamane and "It Won't Rain All the Time" by Jane Siberry played as memorials...23rd Psalm was read which I think was appropriate, though neither of us were considered 'religious'.

The Pastor spoke of HOW MANY nurses had attended (Which led me to question, "if all the nurses from Grady are here, then WHO is actually working at the hospital?") and of course Dr.Hamilton (The doctor of Debbie and myself) who had grown a beard/mustache to look older than he is, and when I mentioned that to him his reply was "At least I won't be called Doogie Howser" - Uh-oh, Debbie must've told him about my Doogie Howser comment...I am so owned now, I think my next appointement will involve EXTRA syringes...EEK!!!!

She is now in a better place now, She left this hell (We both considered this CURRENT existence on Earth as hell, WHERE one goes in the afterlife is Heaven...) to be with other loved ones and left me behind to fend for myself...but I am still here, still hurt, sad, angry and ALONE.

To deal with the dreaded "Oct.22", I took liquid-paper and whited-out that date on EVERY calender I could find in the house...That day NO LONGER exists in my mind.

I am spent...

Brian j.

[CharmedHour]

I am sorry Brian. I can imagine how you must feel. I lost my uncle last December of a sudden heart attack. I don't think there was a time durring the funeral that I didn't cry! Hang in there, you are in my thoughts and prayers. (((hug)))

[GoS]

So sad. Just keep on hanging on.

[estranged4life]

I'm alright, just returned from having the Verden Asst.Police Chief show me where the accident occurred (When I seek answers I usually search for them upon my own). He worked that accident (I had him drive me to the scene because at least that way it I flipped out someone could be there to protect me, and I didnt flip out) and said in his 30 years of law enforcement he had never seen an accident described as "the perfect scenario accident" until that one. She left the road parallel and missed impacting 2 highway signs (I still dont see how she drove directly between those 2 signs) before hitting a culvert that was like a ramp with a 45-50 degree incline.

The transmission of my 2002 Grand Prix 'exploded' on impact (Everything at the site and all the belongings I have retrieved are covered in transmission fluid) which launched the car 115' before it landed nose first and then "hard rolled" 1.5 times before landing upside down in a small concrete drainage ditch (Which was maybe 2'-3' wide maximum). The seat housing, which holds the driver and passenger bucket seats to the underbelly was tore completely from the body (The seats werent ejected from the car) but ALL the safety devices worked correctly.

Had she just 'blacked out' (Fell asleep, etc) , despite the car being TOTALLY DESTROYED, and she was conscious AFTER the launch/rolling, the officer said (In an agreement with the M.E.) she could have EASILY survived due in part to the safety features and the metal (Not modern aluminum) framing of the automobile absorbing the damage and even despite the seat housing being ripped from the undercarriage, she STILL would have walked-away from the wreck with at worst (From being tossed around) with ONLY minor bruises and scrapes.

The total distance from the culvert impact to final resting of the car was over 300'

That night, All 4 lanes of US 62/State Highway 9 were closed to clean wreckage and remove transmission fluid from the roadway. There were parts of my car I barely recognized still there (ie - Front end cowl and the radiator cap housing), and a few insignificant items that were in the drivers console I left. Our beloved OSU car-flag was there but I left it too, only things I did grab today was her umbrella (Not even a scratch upon it, as were her personal belongings which were returned to me after her body was discharged to the funeral home - Even her glasses which she wore 24/7 were unscratched) and the Chicago Cubs bumper sticker that always layed in the back window on any car I have driven.

The officer said when he finally located her in the wreckage (He couldnt tell it was a 2002 Pontiac Grand Prix at first, he said it looked like a SUV) she was found still clutching for the steering wheel as if nothing had happened. No injuries minus a small goose-egg and a small seat-belt abrassion on her arm (Indentical to what the M.E. descibed to me). The tire tracks he showed me that led off the road showed ZERO braking and ZERO over-correction marks (Had she fell asleep the car would have 'barrel - rolled' BEFORE it approached the culvert due to the incline of the ditch), That along with how they located her body led those working the scene to declare she either had a fatal stroke or heartattack before leaving the roadway...

He had pictures of the incident, but warned me that I should wait to see them when time has passed so I can heal some...I took his word upon it.

I have some 'piece of mind' now in that Debbie didnt suffer - she 'expired' prior to the accident itself, so she felt no pain from the aftermath.


On the good news side (I guess its good news) At least the financer can now leave me the f**k alone, the insurance will pay what was owed on the car (The car was worth more than what I still had left to pay - So I will get a small refund of the dividend between the 2 prices)...So when that financing company calls me again, (I SO PRAY they do) I will take ALL MY ANGER out on that BITCH that called me Saturday and asked "Well Mr.Johnson, until we see the car we cannot say for sure it was a total loss" (The Verden Officer said the Grand Prix was "flattened beyond all comprehension" and one of the worse wrecks he had seen in recent time)

[GODDESS6]

i am glad to hear that you are getting some answers to ease your mind~ i know it won't ease the pain, but getting angry about this is very healthy~ i am glad you are so persistant~ bless debbie & you brian~ you are a great guy!!!:xoxo:~

[estranged4life]

i am glad to hear that you are getting some answers to ease your mind~ i know it won't ease the pain, but getting angry about this is very healthy~ i am glad you are so persistant~ bless debbie & you brian~ you are a great guy!!!:xoxo:~

(Due to being a certified "Quality Control Technician") I question things moreso than others, and I was able to point out to the M.E. the death certificate/accident reports HAD INACCURATE times listed...So that is being corrected and holding up the paperwork so I can pay for the funeral/etc.

I just hope NOONE, I repeat NO-ONE ever has to endure this hell I am currently stuck in...I will be fine because now the sorrow is turning to anger. That anger is aimed directly at the calendar and that date that happens after the 21st and before the 23rd (Doesnt exist on ANY calendar in this home...)

In the next day or so I will start filling out the "Thank You" cards for those who sent flowers, etc.

Taking it day by day, not like I havent before since that is HOW I live my life anyway and would even if this Cluster-F**ked date wouldnt have taunted me yet again.

I already have the last laugh, because I am still here when many thought I would be dead by now from all I had to endure...Sorry folks, I'm a Johnson - Not allowed to die without permission and none was giving to me. So as I always love to add at the end of such a discussion "And you can suck on that...Slapnuts"

Brian "Still here, will be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, next decade, next etc...My spirit is wounded, but it will return and make me even more focused, so I feel sorrow for the world now!!!!" j.

------------------------------------------

Just came back home from sitting out at the cemetary, just to be next to her...In the future I will be laid to rest next to her.

[estranged4life]

I wonder if she may have had a heart defect that wasnt dectected? Maybe they could look into that to ease you and her family's minds? just a thought.

my mind is at ease (As much as it may ever be in regards to this) since the trip to the scene and speaking to the Verden Asst.Chief.

He mentioned 'how surreal' the scene was, all this destruction (examples - I saw the radiator cap housing and it was severed from the radiator, the cap crumbled like an aluminum can still fitted on the housing, the foam bushing from the rear bumper laying in the concrete gulley and a metal milk crate I kept in the trunk - which held my spare fluids - was fragmented in pieces...I did locate her umbrella, which was undamaged but covered in transmission fluid, as was EVERYTHING in that general area) and yet she was sitting in the driver's seat reaching for the steering wheel as if nothing had happened...What ever the medical incident was, he said it was 'instantaneous' and occurred before the car left the roadway, She felt no pain or suffering from the crash itself.

He mentioned her lunch/dinner in her fabric lunch pail and purse where located next to her undisturbed (I have her purse, not even a scratch on it). I found her glasses in the items her brothers retrieved from the wreckage and they did not even have a smudge of 'em.

I know I am not the biggest religious person on this sphere called Earth, But I believed someone made a tradeoff that when she passed from this existence, They left her unharmed in the wreckage as a message that she felt no suffering...I do believe something unexplained had happened because the first responders at the scene said they had never seen an accident in this manner before (Total destruction of an auto but no injuries to the driver who had expired).

Maybe whoever called her away from the Hellish physical plain needed a Nurse who cared about people moreso than $$$$ (I saw that on the Oct.21st when Deb called to hospital to ask one of her co-workers about the health of an elderly woman on her floor). She loved her job...



That lessens my thoughts that she didnt suffer, but doenst lessen the pain in my head...or heart. :sorry:

[dcl1964]

I've blacked out June 24th (day my Mom died) and December 8th (day my Dad died) on all my calendars since they died. I've generally hid myself from the world on those days because even though my Mom died in 2001 and my Dad in 2005 it still hurts even now. The only piece of real advice I can give you is advice someone gave me when my Mom died. Don't try to be strong for anyone. If you feel like crying or getting angry DO IT. It's all right. Try to talk about her with friends and family about all the good times. See a grief counselor if you need one. Most important is to take care of yourself. Getting away for a day or two helps also.

Take Care

[estranged4life]

This afternoon, as I was making the drive over to Debbie's employer to take care of her financial situation, I was less the .5 mile from where the accident site (Even on the same South side of US 62 Eastbound) when a HALLIBURTON (Yes that HALLIBURTON) mud truck (Which was entering the intersection from a oil rig) pulled into my lane and then pulled into the other lane - HAD I been driving the speed limit of this stretch of highway (70 MPH) THAT semi-truck would have forced me into the median and into the West bound lanes traffic...

Oh such fun that scenario would've been...two spouses, killed in separate accidents within .5 mile of each other 2 weeks apart.


I received the death certificate today, and as the M.E. stated her death was due to "Traumatic Aphixiation".

[estranged4life]

Today, I had to make a trip to take care of some more of Debbie's financial issues, and as i was driving outside of town on highway 58 I passed by an accident that had just occurred. A newer GMC pickup must have swerved to have avoided something in the highway, since there were obvious tire marks from where the brakes were applied...That pickup left the shoulder and rolled a couple of times on its side.

As I was waived to pass through the scene by law enforcement, I saw someone who was apparently in the truck, laying outside the truck on the ground - I didnt even make it another quarter mile before the tears started to fall...I cried for about the next 5 minutes and regathered my composure.

After I took care of the financial issue (No problem at all) I went to shop for extra pet supplies (I'm stocking up on cat food/litter/etc.) and as I was walking down the aisles of this store the music playing on the overhead P.A. was Christmas music - and again the tears started to fall, people gave me a "What's wrong?" look but I kept going because had I stopped and listened to anymore of that music I would have broken-down in that store...

Seems when I take one step forward I end up taking another step back...

[gretchen]

Brian I am so sorry you are hurting. ((Brian))

[StandbackStevie]

because last night I had to endure the worst feeling one can suffer through in their entire lives.

About a week ago my former wife Debbie and myself started talking about a reconciliation, and we started down that road over the weekend when I decided to move back home to be with her. All was happy and things were going great for us, we were happy as we once were years ago and life was to be great...

But last night at about 12am I heard a commotion outside the house (We lived on a "Dead End Street") but didnt think much of it. Theen I heard car door slam....Still thinking nothing of it. I decided to go check out the kitchen window to see who was making that noise outside.

I noticed a Carnegie PD patrol car and a OHP (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) outside and remembered what Debbie had told me just a few days earlier about how the Carnegie PD had someone stopped at the intersection just down the street. So I assumed that they had once again had someone stopped and decided "Eh, No big deal..." and I sat back down at the computer desk to finish a CDR I was working on...

When I heard a knock on the door, and not the type one wants to hear at this time of the night, especially when one had seen patrolmen outside their home. I jumped up to the door and said "Hold on a second" - so I could unlock the door and turn on the porch light.

I was asked by one patrolman to identify myself, Which I did, thinking to myself "Am I going to be arrested?". The officer then asked me if I knew a Debbie Johnson...And I knew exactly where this was going once the officers asked if they could come inside, they had news to tell me that they HATE delivering...

About 10:43pm last night Debbie was driving to work in my 2003 Pontiac Grand Prix when something happened to cause her to leave the road about 2 miles West of the town of Verden...The car rolled and she died at the scene

How could this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Why did some unknown force decide to flatten my soul EXACTLY to the day 31 years later after my Dad's death on October 22,1977? Why was she taken from me just as we were to re-new our lives? How am I supposed to go forward in this life when the person who knew me best has passed beyond my grasp? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I am at a loss for words...I am sitting in this house alone with only the memories to haunt me.

If you don't see me on the Ledge in the foreseeable future, you will know why. My soul has been damaged beyond repair.

My prayers are with you brian I wish you all the best to get thru this unimaginable thing to be going thru with a terrible loss of a loved one.

Prayers are with you Brian,
peace and love,
Steve

[estranged4life]

Okay...It's official, Debbie is laughing at me from 'the beyond'

I went out to her grave, as I have done almost daily since the funeral, just to 'chit-chat' to her how I am doing/etc.. Anyways, the wind has been blowing around 30MPH today and a few of the flowers on her final resting spot were blown off, so I decided to replace 'em back and make sure they were anchored to avoid the wind.

I mentioned out loud to her (I deal with death in a weird way - part sanity part insanity) "Once the headstone arrives and is placed I will place some of your nursing knick-knacks on the foot of the headstone and I'll fix 'em so the wind or thieves wont bother 'em. I know how much you liked scaring me whenever I had a clumsy accident..." and before I could finish the sentence, I went to remove one of the artificial flowers to keep WHEN I cut my DAMNED finger almost to the bone...(I didnt know those flowers were anchored with metal spikes), and no sooner than I cut myself the sun came out from behind the clouds to shine down on me, Debbie's way of saying "You are such a clumsy asshole and I am LOVING it and laughing too"

I laughed afterwards because I am SURE she is somewhere LAUGHING at my clumsiness :lol:

Even beyond this world:
Debbie 1
Brian 0

[GODDESS6]

Okay...It's official, Debbie is laughing at me from 'the beyond'

I went out to her grave, as I have done almost daily since the funeral, just to 'chit-chat' to her how I am doing/etc.. Anyways, the wind has been blowing around 30MPH today and a few of the flowers on her final resting spot were blown off, so I decided to replace 'em back and make sure they were anchored to avoid the wind.

I mentioned out loud to her (I deal with death in a weird way - part sanity part insanity) "Once the headstone arrives and is placed I will place some of your nursing knick-knacks on the foot of the headstone and I'll fix 'em so the wind or thieves wont bother 'em. I know how much you liked scaring me whenever I had a clumsy accident..." and before I could finish the sentence, I went to remove one of the artificial flowers to keep WHEN I cut my DAMNED finger almost to the bone...(I didnt know those flowers were anchored with metal spikes), and no sooner than I cut myself the sun came out from behind the clouds to shine down on me, Debbie's way of saying "You are such a clumsy asshole and I am LOVING it and laughing too"

I laughed afterwards because I am SURE she is somewhere LAUGHING at my clumsiness :lol:

Even beyond this world:
Debbie 1
Brian 0

heartwarming story brian~ glad you shared~ you know my dad passed in 85 & i still talk to him, it just makes me feel better~

[estranged4life]

heartwarming story brian~ glad you shared~ you know my dad passed in 85 & i still talk to him, it just makes me feel better~

but my finger hurts like hell :eek: :lol:

Forgot to mention that the first picture of Debbie I saw when I walked in the door after cutting my finger, is one I took of her laughing at me...:thumbsup:

Debbie 2
Brian 0

[sara1998]

Dear God, Brian.

I don't know if you remember that my husband committed suicide 5 and a half years ago. It was the day after his 34th birthday, May 29, 2003. I was 25 years old, and he left me with a 4 year old daughter. He hanged himself in our home. Thank God I didn't find him. I never had the courage to spend another night in that home. I was in utter shock. When the term numb was used to express emotion, or feelings, I never really knew what one meant until then. There was absolutely nothing. Void. I layed in bed for days and didn't eat for even longer. My mother and father had to take care of my daughter for me. I stayed with them because I couldn't even take care of myself. I was sad, mad, downright pissed, felt sorry for myself, felt sorry for my daughter. And this was all at once, and then it went in phases. I drank and did a lot of drugs for a long time. I entertained suicide myself, but realized that someone needed to raise my daughter. I held a closed casket funeral because of the trauma that occured to his neck and head, so I never ID'd or saw his dead body. That was a problem all in it's own. I had a hard time accepting his death was real because I never witnessed it. I would wait for him around midnight, for a few months, for him to come through the door of my parents home from work. Around 2 am every night I'd usually give up hope he was going to come in, apologize for leaving, and we'd be a happy family again. I just waited for him... I understand wanting answers, too. I wanted to know if his hanging suffocated him or if his fall was long and hard enough to break his neck. I wanted to know what happened to a persons head and neck after such trama. I wanted to know exactly what he was wearing. I wanted to know how much alcohol he'd consumed prior. ( Jason was an alcoholic. His BAC was .17 upon death) I wanted to know things about his past he refused to speak of, like his first wife and the child they had together. There was no contact and lots of hard feelings. I wanted answers and wanted them RIGHT THEN... The coroner was able to provide me with his autopsy report which helped a lot, but I only recieved them about a year and a half ago, along with his suicide note. I met his first wife and now have full legal guardianship of the child they had together. I bought the home I currently live in 3 months after his death, and made a place for us. My daughter and I. I no longer drink (ok, not to self medicate, but tequila's still pretty damn good) and I no longer use drugs. I still think of Jason daily. I swear I do. It will never go away. But it gets easier with time. While numbness and shock are still weighing on you, it's not a reality that eventually time will pass, and you may never be the same, but you will establish a new normal. Your soul will heal, but you're going to have a large scar from this. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to cry. It's okay to talk to her at her graveside. It's okay to demand answers. It's okay to seek help from professionals. (I found a support group of other widow's and widowers was best for me.) It's all normal, even thought nothing else is normal right now for you. I'm sorry I wrote you a book, Brian, and I'm sorry it took so damned long to respond... I'm not here much anymore. I'm truely sorry for your loss of Debbie, and I understand exactly how you feel.

If you would like to talk, send me a PM. I'll talk for however long you need to.

Take care, Brian. I swear, it will be better, but not anytime soon.
I swear.

[estranged4life]

Dear God, Brian.

I don't know if you remember that my husband committed suicide 5 and a half years ago. It was the day after his 34th birthday, May 29, 2003. I was 25 years old, and he left me with a 4 year old daughter. He hanged himself in our home. Thank God I didn't find him. I never had the courage to spend another night in that home. I was in utter shock. When the term numb was used to express emotion, or feelings, I never really knew what one meant until then. There was absolutely nothing. Void. I layed in bed for days and didn't eat for even longer. My mother and father had to take care of my daughter for me. I stayed with them because I couldn't even take care of myself. I was sad, mad, downright pissed, felt sorry for myself, felt sorry for my daughter. And this was all at once, and then it went in phases. I drank and did a lot of drugs for a long time. I entertained suicide myself, but realized that someone needed to raise my daughter. I held a closed casket funeral because of the trauma that occured to his neck and head, so I never ID'd or saw his dead body. That was a problem all in it's own. I had a hard time accepting his death was real because I never witnessed it. I would wait for him around midnight, for a few months, for him to come through the door of my parents home from work. Around 2 am every night I'd usually give up hope he was going to come in, apologize for leaving, and we'd be a happy family again. I just waited for him... I understand wanting answers, too. I wanted to know if his hanging suffocated him or if his fall was long and hard enough to break his neck. I wanted to know what happened to a persons head and neck after such trama. I wanted to know exactly what he was wearing. I wanted to know how much alcohol he'd consumed prior. ( Jason was an alcoholic. His BAC was .17 upon death) I wanted to know things about his past he refused to speak of, like his first wife and the child they had together. There was no contact and lots of hard feelings. I wanted answers and wanted them RIGHT THEN... The coroner was able to provide me with his autopsy report which helped a lot, but I only recieved them about a year and a half ago, along with his suicide note. I met his first wife and now have full legal guardianship of the child they had together. I bought the home I currently live in 3 months after his death, and made a place for us. My daughter and I. I no longer drink (ok, not to self medicate, but tequila's still pretty damn good) and I no longer use drugs. I still think of Jason daily. I swear I do. It will never go away. But it gets easier with time. While numbness and shock are still weighing on you, it's not a reality that eventually time will pass, and you may never be the same, but you will establish a new normal. Your soul will heal, but you're going to have a large scar from this. I'm sorry I wrote you a book, Brian, and I'm sorry it took so damn long to respond... I'm not here much anymore. I'm truely sorry for your loss of Debbie, and I understand exactly how you feel.

If you would like to talk, send me a PM. I'll talk for however long you need to.

Take care, Brian. I swear, it will be better, but not anytime soon.
I swear.


about your husband (I STUPIDLY had a signature picture that featured a Sesame Street character hanging and someone informed me that it upset you I felt embarrassed and small and removed it because I have respect for people who have suffered tragic losses in their life) and I can easily understand the pain you felt.

That night 2 weeks ago, went from one that was fulled with laughter (I recorded Deb's fave show that night, "Myth Busters" and the episode was about "The myth of BEER GOGGLES - and does getting drunk increase the appearrances of the opposite sex") to absolute HORROR in what seemed like a matter of minutes.

I clearly remember one of the two OHP troopers asking me up front "Do you have any weapons in your possession sir?", wasn't hard to figure out why - and I will admit, THAT REASON is why I DON'T own a gun (I told the troopers TRUTHFULLY "had I owned a gun, I would have killed myself out of an irrational thought that never would have been corrected once the trigger was pulled" - they wouldnt leave the residence until one of Deb's family members where here to watch over me)

I laugh every day, but today I was crying moreso, the Christmas music at the store and seeing someone injured laying beside a wrecked vehicle BROUGHT images in my head I cannot deal with. Those images are family members who left this life TOO EARLY, and I made DAMNED SURE that I wouldnt live the rest of my life with that image of Debbie's body lying in a casket (She saw how the reaction to seeing my Mom in March 2005 forever changed me) so she understood why I could not view her after she left this existence.

The memory I have of her is saying "See you in the morning" as she headed out the door for the final time. I could drink/drug myself into oblivion, but I know the problems will still be there when I sober up, So I REFUSE that path (I dont drink PERIOD because of the OTHER 4 deaths in my family during October due to someone's irresponsible behavior by driving while drunk)

I have the death certificate, and I knew before hand (from my talks with the M.E.) why her death was listed as "Traumatic Asphyxia" since there was NO OTHER INJURIES she suffered that could be determined - but I have been told repeatedly that she had either a stroke/heart attack/blood clot or diabetic episode that cause her death since she 'expired' before she left the road.

Last Thursday, I once again visited the scene of the accident to work it out in my mind - and I walked the distance the car drove off the road before the impact with the culvert - and I have to agree with the M.E., had she fell asleep that area of the road would have awaken her since it was rough and erroded. I saw for myself the tire marks across the grass and NO BRAKING as was discovered by the M.E. and OHP investigators.

The smell of transmission fluid was STILL strong in that area from the transmissions explosion (Upon impact with the culvert) that propelled the car.

I found personal papers with her name & SSN# but I gathered those, brought 'em home and shredded 'em earlier this evening. I gathered parts of the car (The largest being the headlight housing of one of the headlights - I located the rearview mirror which was fractured in a million bits) and moved them into a pile off the driveway where the culvert was as to not block the driveway of whoever owned that property.

The thing that will never heal this for me is the date, October 22. That date has some reasoning for the tragedies in my life, but I dont have any answers to as WHY that date is SO HAUNTING to me. Losing my Dad in 1977 in a car wreck and now in 2008 I lose Debbie (In a wreck, but the wreck did not cause her death).

I do take some solace that she didnt suffer...I couldnt live had I known her last moments on this earth were moments in agony and trying to survive. I couldnt live knowing that. I have peace of mind, although not much, knowing she passed instantly away from this cruel world (And yes I am crying as I type this) without having more pain in her life (This month would have been her 5th year of being cancer free and her 8th year of employment as a nurse at Grady Memorial Hospital).

For now, I remain alive because I want to stay alive...I have no thoughts of death, even when I am EASILY upsetted. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger is my mindset at this time.

Brian j.

[jannieC]

You're so awesome, Maria. I miss you. xoxo I'm sure these words will be comforting to Brian. :xoxo:

[sara1998]

You're so awesome, Maria. I miss you. xoxo I'm sure these words will be comforting to Brian. :xoxo:

Thanks sweetie. I sure hope it helps.
I miss you too.

[Livia]

Brian, my apologies in not responding sooner - I just read through this entire thread with tears in my eyes. Like you, and gldstwmn, there is a significant date for me when I lost both my brother and my dad - two years apart, Oct. 11. I hate that day and am always supersticious that something will happen to me, or someone else I care about.

Take care, my friend. :angel:

[jbrownsjr]

because last night I had to endure the worst feeling one can suffer through in their entire lives.

About a week ago my former wife Debbie and myself started talking about a reconciliation, and we started down that road over the weekend when I decided to move back home to be with her. All was happy and things were going great for us, we were happy as we once were years ago and life was to be great...

But last night at about 12am I heard a commotion outside the house (We lived on a "Dead End Street") but didnt think much of it. Theen I heard car door slam....Still thinking nothing of it. I decided to go check out the kitchen window to see who was making that noise outside.

I noticed a Carnegie PD patrol car and a OHP (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) outside and remembered what Debbie had told me just a few days earlier about how the Carnegie PD had someone stopped at the intersection just down the street. So I assumed that they had once again had someone stopped and decided "Eh, No big deal..." and I sat back down at the computer desk to finish a CDR I was working on...

When I heard a knock on the door, and not the type one wants to hear at this time of the night, especially when one had seen patrolmen outside their home. I jumped up to the door and said "Hold on a second" - so I could unlock the door and turn on the porch light.

I was asked by one patrolman to identify myself, Which I did, thinking to myself "Am I going to be arrested?". The officer then asked me if I knew a Debbie Johnson...And I knew exactly where this was going once the officers asked if they could come inside, they had news to tell me that they HATE delivering...

About 10:43pm last night Debbie was driving to work in my 2003 Pontiac Grand Prix when something happened to cause her to leave the road about 2 miles West of the town of Verden...The car rolled and she died at the scene

How could this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Why did some unknown force decide to flatten my soul EXACTLY to the day 31 years later after my Dad's death on October 22,1977? Why was she taken from me just as we were to re-new our lives? How am I supposed to go forward in this life when the person who knew me best has passed beyond my grasp? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I am at a loss for words...I am sitting in this house alone with only the memories to haunt me.

If you don't see me on the Ledge in the foreseeable future, you will know why. My soul has been damaged beyond repair.

OH MY GOD.... I don't know what to say except... I will pray for you for quite a long time... and I don't pray very often.... I will pray your soul to heal.... with love... John....

[estranged4life]

Brian, my apologies in not responding sooner - I just read through this entire thread with tears in my eyes. Like you, and gldstwmn, there is a significant date for me when I lost both my brother and my dad - two years apart, Oct. 11. I hate that day and am always supersticious that something will happen to me, or someone else I care about.

Take care, my friend. :angel:

been paranoid between the dates Oct.18 and Oct.22 (Debbie knew I was suffering from that 'sense of dread' on Oct.20th, when we went shopping) - Now it will be worse, the 5th family member to die in an auto related accident (Deb's is the ONLY one not alcohol related or whose death DIDNT occurred because of the wreck) between those dates...

I hate October, but I love the Autumn season...But I am FRIGHTENED of the approaching holidays, it is going to be ROUGH.

I found our marriage license earlier today...put it in a safe place so I wont have to locate it again.


But, I was able to have a good laugh today because of a notice of an item that I will be receiving in the mail soon - The 'people in the community' has ordered me some type of 'inspirational volume entitled 'Lift Up Thine Eyes'' and why I appreciate the sentiment (I'm not the type to refuse something such as this item), I'm sure Debbie is laughing in the beyond that I will be receiving a religious item when neither of us were EVER considered religious (Though Debbie was a 'practicing witch' in the Wiccan faith)

[DavidMn]

speaking of dates, January 29th is the date I lost my great aunt Eloise at the age of 93. to understand the type of relationship we had her husband died a month after I was born in 1971. We bacame very close and I spent a ton of time with her growing up. Its highly unusual for a teenage kid to want to spend time with an elderly relative, but we were just that close. As she aged more, I took on the responsibilities of helping her take care of her hous she had lived in since 1940. In 2000 she had to sell the house and move into a senior apartment. Looking back, I spent so much time in that house, I think when she had to sell that I just couldnt accept it. I became depressed, slthough I didnt show it to anyone but myself. She lived in this apartment until January 29th, 2004 when she passed away. I wasnt there when she died, and to tis day I have trouble forgiving myself for that. After her passing I went into a total shell. I mean I still lived my life went to concerted, baseball games etc. But I was the gas tank was completely empty emotionally. I think this lack of communication with others about my issues led to my suicide attempt on June 20, 2004. Ironically I had just returned from seeing Fleetwood Mac and that day I completely crashed, thats the only way I can describe it. I took about 85 sleeping pills. My friend came over to check up on me and I was nearly passed out. He immideately called 911 and the ambulance came and took me to the hospital where I was forced to drink charcoal. I was in the ER the next day when the doctor came in and tolf me that I was VERY lucky that I didnt suffer serious liver damage from taking the pills. The doc told me also that it would have been about another hour or so and I wouldve died. I spent 2 weeks in the psych ward at the hospital trying to get myself together. It still is a struggle to this day. Some days I wish I wasnt here, some I feel like nothing can stop me or what I want to do, but that also has to do with my mild bi-polar disorder I suffer from. Brian, the main thing I can offer to you in advice is to not shut yourself down emotionally. I would never pretend to tell you how to deal with your unique situation, but i will try to help you in the best way I know how.

[estranged4life]

Brian, the main thing I can offer to you in advice is to not shut yourself down emotionally.

considering how much pain is in my heart at this time, but the will to live outweighs the will to die - so I'm choosing to live.

Will I get over this? No, but I can choose to deal with it in a way that helps lessen the sorrow. I've never been one to live for more than the current day I am in, and that helps out in this situation. As my older brother said "Anyday above ground is a good day" (Meaning 'suicide is NOT an option' - and as I have done my whole life I will wear this current 'scar' as a "tribulation" 'war scar' from this thing called life).

I'd really be alright if nosey people in my life would respect my privacy and quit asking about how much the insurance policy is...I dont care about money, never have OR WILL - I would rather have Debbie here and be broke...$$$$ doesnt mean ****!!!

[Betsy]

I find it comforting and wonderful, all the love expressed to you, Brian, and people sharing their heart aches in attempts to tell you that you are not alone. People here love and care for you, and I consider myself a part of that group, even though I have not been a member as long as the rest have been.

I also find it comforting that you are working through this terrible tragedy and are willing to share your thoughts with us.

..."the will to live outweighs the will to die - so I'm choosing to live."

Hang in there Brian...a lot of people love you and care about you.

[Brad]

Brian,

I am a little late reading this thread and catching myself up on what you have been going through the last couple of weeks. We have never really spoken to each other on the board, but I have read your posts for what? 10 years or so now (I started on here when The Dance was coming out), and I really appreciate your contributions to the Ledge.

That said, you have my deepest sympathy for the pain you are going through. I remember reading back when your mom first passed and thinking what a strong person you were then. This newest loss of your beloved Debbie and your reaction to it only reaffirms for me the great character you have. Please know that you will be in my thoughts for some time. I have been so lucky thus far in life to not have had to face the pain of losing a close family member or loved one; I cannot imagine how you must feel.

I wish you only the best and hope that in time you will begin to heal. I'm sure some of the pain and sorrow will follow you through the rest of your life, but I am also sure that a man of your strong character will learn how to live with it the best way you can. I worry when I hear things like this what such despair can drive a person to do, and I am so happy to hear that you are coping in a healthy way and not contemplating a more destructive track.

Again, I am thinking of you and hope you find comfort in time.

Best regards,

Brad

[estranged4life]

^^^ Thanks...

I'm still trying to figure out what to do now, I never thought I would be dealt with the outcome I received, but that is beyond my say and I have to deal with what has been dealt to me.

I keep doubting myself, that is what I suffer now - I try to envision what Debbie would say to me and that gives me some comfort, but it saddens me because the reality is that she isnt here...

Today, I received a check from the insurance company for the car. The check I received was for the difference that was due to me since the car was worth more (Via Blue Book value) than what was owed to the financier - $53.73...Great, my loss is worth only $53.73. Well, at least I did not have to pay ANYTHING for a car that is TOTAL SCRAP (And the $500 deductible was subtracted from the total value of the car - so I did save $500 via that manner)

I was informed that the car was still 'located' at the wrecker services 'impound/storage lot' via a letter from the state of Oklahoma and DOT (Dept. of Transportation), which of course, shows how SLOW this process is going - The car was 'transferred' to my insurance company the day of the funeral. I had resolved the car insurance issue before I have received the 'accident report' (Which is the ONLY hold-up with the rest of the financial issues - funeral policy and life insurance, which are under one comprehensive policy)

As for me, I still cry more than laugh...Cannot even focus on music even as I TRY hard to move forward...

But I am trying.

[estranged4life]

My 'notorious' temper is starting to come back, which is not a good thing for the world at hand...The bank Debbie & I have been a member of since 1999 KEEPS putting a 'block' on ANY deposit made, and now they are starting to PISS ME OFF! Worse thing to do folks, worse thing to do is keep poking me with a stick to see if I will react...

Today (In about 15 minutes), the bank is going to have to contend with me face-to-face...and they will finally learn why I am known not to EVER smile.

Update: I had the issue resolved without having to CHEW someone's ass off...

Update #2: Had a Dr's appt. this morning and found out my BP (blood pressure) is at a 'critical level' - due to stress..."NAW, ya think?" Jeez, I feel like an elephant has been sitting on my chest for the past week.

[estranged4life]

Doing much better now, taken care of almost all the financial issues and I am just awaiting for the accident report to file the life insurance/funeral policy (The accident report was supposed to have arrived on Tuesday via 'certified mail' at the funeral home, but here it is Thursday and no mail...Typical of offices for the state of Oklahoma)

I am SLOWLY going forward with this life...Not alot of fun, but at the same time (Stress & guilt issues aside) I am doing very well and better than most who had to endure the exact same thing I am going through. Just trying to get 'back on the horse called Life' after being bucked off once more, and though I may be dirty and sore I will get back upon that pony and ride, bolley ride all the way to El Dorado.

"You Rise
You Fall
You're down, then you rise again
What don't kill ya make ya more strong"

[BTFLCHLD]

(((((brian)))))

[eclipse]

My heart just breaks when I ead the story of you and Debbie n\and the herartache you have endured.... Be strong Brian-
she would be for you... and is proud of you-wherever and however she may be....
she is still a part a light, a spirit in your life and from your acconts of your love, it will be a very long timr before she leaves.

Death affects each person differently, from how you handle it to how you acept it and finally how you embrace it-----I know your anger and heartache make this sound unreasonable, but someday , somewhere, when you lease expect it....
You will realize Debbie is gone.and you will have a smile on your face not a tear...

And then the hard part begins....write, if you like-iIyou would like I would love to talk with you about this path we all take, some just devient from what we expect, but we all end up alone, wih our memories to help us accept that we are gone...
I think that now-You are undestanding and living this reality...And I am truly sorry that you have had to deal with this much sadness in your young life....
anna
aka ~~eclipse~~

[golddustwoman77]

Brian,

I'm so sorry to hear about Debbie, and I'm so sorry I'm just now finding out about it. I have been off the Ledge for awhile dealing with my own sorrow. I just lost interest in many things that I loved. I'm slowly trying to regroup and get back into those things again, like getting back on the Ledge. If you ever need to talk or vent, send me a PM. You're in my thoughts. Hang in there! :angel:

[estranged4life]

Brian,

I'm so sorry to hear about Debbie, and I'm so sorry I'm just now finding out about it. I have been off the Ledge for awhile dealing with my own sorrow. I just lost interest in many things that I loved. I'm slowly trying to regroup and get back into those things again, like getting back on the Ledge. If you ever need to talk or vent, send me a PM. You're in my thoughts. Hang in there! :angel:


I finally have some piece of mind since the OFFICIAL accident arrived this morning, and it stated what I was already told by the Medical Examiner himself:

"...The Medical Examiner seen no other apparant (sic) injuries than the broken arm. It was determined by the Medical Examiner the driver died due to a medical condition prior to the collision...."


I can sleep well now that I have the official record of the accident in hand, even though I had been well informed of the infomation since the week of the accident. Had Debbie not passed prior to the collision she would be here with me this day with a cast on her right arm slapping me like a bitch in the head with it. :rolleyes:

[golddustwoman77]

I finally have some piece of mind since the OFFICIAL accident arrived this morning, and it stated what I was already told by the Medical Examiner himself:

"...The Medical Examiner seen no other apparant (sic) injuries than the broken arm. It was determined by the Medical Examiner the driver died due to a medical condition prior to the collision...."


I can sleep well now that I have the official record of the accident in hand, even though I had been well informed of the infomation since the week of the accident. Had Debbie not passed prior to the collision she would be here with me this day with a cast on her right arm slapping me like a bitch in the head with it. :rolleyes:

I'm glad that this has brought you some piece of mind. In my case, time has helped heal me some. Hopefully, time will be as kind to you. Just remember my previous message. I'm here to listen if you need me.

[estranged4life]

Went out to the cemetary today, as I do almost everyday, and I was surprised to see that the base of the headstone I ordered has been anchored into the ground...and the thing is huge, about 4' long, 1' wide and 6"-8" tall. The headstone is going to bigger than I suspected it to be, which is cool, definitely worth the $2900.00 I am paying for it.

Going to purchase some poinsettas later this coming week and lay 'em out there at Debbie's grave...

I'm alright, seeing a grief couselor now and that is helping a bit.

[GODDESS6]

Went out to the cemetary today, as I do almost everyday, and I was surprised to see that the base of the headstone I ordered has been anchored into the ground...and the thing is huge, about 4' long, 1' wide and 6"-8" tall. The headstone is going to bigger than I suspected it to be, which is cool, definitely worth the $2900.00 I am paying for it.

Going to purchase some poinsettas later this coming week and lay 'em out there at Debbie's grave...

I'm alright, seeing a grief couselor now and that is helping a bit.

glad to hear your doing better brian, you are always in my thoughts:o~

[DeeGeMe]

Brian, I don't think we've ever chatted on the Ledge and I apologize for not seeing this sooner--but I was very sorry to learn of your loss. I lost someone very dear to me last year and it does get better with time but it's a long, slow haul. Hang in there. I promise it will get better one day. It will never be the same but it will be better than it is now. For the last year I've told myself this: one foot in front of the other. At times I've had no idea which direction I was going in, but I just kept moving. Big Ledgie hug to you and vent here as much as you'd like. That helps enormously too.

[lisarod]

Brian, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I haven't posted here in more than 3 years. I got divorced about 3 years ago and life hasn't been the same for me. I happened to be visiting this site when I read your post. I know you don't remember me, but I'm one of the many people you have traded with. If it wasn't for you and your kindness, I wouldn't have much of a FM collection. I never had anything to trade, but you still made me copies. I'm very sorry this has happened to you. Life can be very cruel. My mother died on my birthday, August 10th, 24 years ago(I turned 21 that day). My thoughts and prayers are with you....

[Lee]

Wow, this is the first time that I've seen this post. I'm really sorry for your loss, Brian. That is so tragic, but I'm sure Debbie is in a better place. Though we don't know each other (I think you've responded to some of my posts before), I'm just wondering how you are doing now.

Take care,

Lee :distress:

[Sahara]

Praying so hard for you tonight, and so deeply sorry for your loss.

[estranged4life]

Wow, this is the first time that I've seen this post. I'm really sorry for your loss, Brian. That is so tragic, but I'm sure Debbie is in a better place. Though we don't know each other (I think you've responded to some of my posts before), I'm just wondering how you are doing now.

Take care,

Lee :distress:

I am balancing between sanity, insanity and suicide...

The holiday season isnt helping me out. I cannot see myself going out to the Festival of Lights in Chickasha this year. Without Debbie I cant see myself enjoying the holiday as I did the past years - Knowing she isnt here makes it hard to enjoy myself because guilt will set in if I did, and somehow I feel guilty enough...

Received the toxicology and medical examiner report this afternoon, and it ripped open fresh wounds in my mind. Seeing the diagrams of the injuries she suffered has f**ked my mind up, She didnt suffer any major injuries but seeing what she could had suffered through has destroyed me.

I easily tear up (As I am doing as I type this) just knowing how she could had suffered in her last seconds of existance...but the investigators said that didnt happen, she passed away prior to the collision. But my mind cannot comprehend that, It plays THAT 'other' scenario...nearly two months later the remnants of wreckage of what once was a car with a fragile life inside still sits in its final resting place...I see it each time I drive by that sacred place and I cannot compose myself.

All I am left with now is memories that haunt, plans that go nowhere but on the backburner in my mind and a gravestone that will have both her name and my name upon it to remind me this was no mere dream I had to endure the past two months.

And regrets...

regrets...

regrets...

:distress:

[desertangel]

Hi Brian:
I am so sorry for the great amount of loss you have had to endure in such a short time. You and my brother are suffering a great deal in this life recently, for reasons I cannot understand. It saddens me to see these things happen to such good people. Many years ago I suffered a great loss at Christmas and have never been the same since. It left me with holiday anxiety. Every year I just hang on and look forward to mid-January. My prayers are with you.
Laura

[estranged4life]

^^^
Thanks, I am trying to cope with the holidays as best as I can, but the result remains the same no matter...A picture is worth a thousand words (See enclosed attachment)

[estranged4life]

since when I was out at the cemetary earlier today (The pictures without the headstone) and awaiting the headstone, and it arrived this afternoon:

[Stephanie]

that stone is a lovely tribute to her life, and the life you had together.

[sodascouts]

Brian, I just saw this thread. How horrible. I am terribly sorry. You are in my prayers.

[estranged4life]

today I made a trip to Debbie's former place of employment (Grady Memorial Hospital) to pay off our combined medical bills (Roughly $9600.00) before I continue the "probate" process.

Since Debbie's passing, Whenever I go to Grady I feel very uncomfortable - as if something is wrong with this picture after so many trips over there and back with Debbie (Usually due to my clumsiness). I ran into Debbie's supervisor, who hadn't seen me since the funeral (When she returned to me Deb's belongings that were in her locker at work). We chit-chatted about what had happened, my life now, and etc. when she mentioned did I know about the memorial that the hospital had put together in Debbie's name - Which I knew nothing about.

Her co-workers and friends gathered money together to make a tribute in Debbie's name by planning to purchase a tree for the hospital grounds - but they gathered so much money that they purchased 3 dogwoods, a bench and a plaque that will be setup in her honor. The trees were already planted and the bench & plaque will be arriving shortly...Made me tear up, but I didnt allow Deb's supervisor to notice.

Made me glad to know that I am not the only one who has NOT forgotten about " lil' Debbie".

Gone and NEVER forgotten...

[jannieC]

today I made a trip to Debbie's former place of employment (Grady Memorial Hospital) to pay off our combined medical bills (Roughly $9600.00) before I continue the "probate" process.

Since Debbie's passing, Whenever I go to Grady I feel very uncomfortable - as if something is wrong with this picture after so many trips over there and back with Debbie (Usually due to my clumsiness). I ran into Debbie's supervisor, who hadn't seen me since the funeral (When she returned to me Deb's belongings that were in her locker at work). We chit-chatted about what had happened, my life now, and etc. when she mentioned did I know about the memorial that the hospital had put together in Debbie's name - Which I knew nothing about.

Her co-workers and friends gathered money together to make a tribute in Debbie's name by planning to purchase a tree for the hospital grounds - but they gathered so much money that they purchased 3 dogwoods, a bench and a plaque that will be setup in her honor. The trees were already planted and the bench & plaque will be arriving shortly...Made me tear up, but I didnt allow Deb's supervisor to notice.

Made me glad to know that I am not the only one who has NOT forgotten about " lil' Debbie".

Gone and NEVER forgotten...

Brian that is just so wonderful. What a lovely way to honor her memory. Thanks for sharing that with us.

[estranged4life]

has already passed since the worse night of my adult life, when it all changed from the usual daily boredom & grind to absolute pain & sorrow.

How am I holding up? I'm still here though sometimes I question myself as to "why that is?" Too stubborn is the answer that crosses my mind and #2 Debbie would NOT want me to quit life just because she "went on ahead" without me.

Do I still grieve? Sure. Do I still shed tears? Of course. My mind is always elsewhere, and that is the date of October 22nd. Bad enough to lose my Father on the date in 1977, but to endure of the irony of Oct.22nd again years later has left me with no words and no answers...One beyond my grasp.

My therapist suggested that when I (finally) decide to write about my life, that I should name the book "Escaping Irony" since he says I am the "King of Irony". I told him "When I write it maybe people will understand the life I live and WHY I am the way I am."

Debbie understood me and that was fine, because everyone deserves to have someone in their life that they loved and felt understood the "how's", the "why's" and the bull**** that comes along with it.

As for me, The song "Watching the Wheels" by John Lennon is where my mind is currently at one year later.

------------------

Update: Just came back from the cemetery where I bought and placed a dozen red roses on her side of the headstone...Deb loved roses.

[ILoveFM]

has already passed since the worse night of my adult life, when it all changed from the usual daily boredom & grind to absolute pain & sorrow.

How am I holding up? I'm still here though sometimes I question myself as to "why that is?" Too stubborn is the answer that crosses my mind and #2 Debbie would NOT want me to quit life just because she "went on ahead" without me.

Do I still grieve? Sure. Do I still shed tears? Of course. My mind is always elsewhere, and that is the date of October 22nd. Bad enough to lose my Father on the date in 1977, but to endure of the irony of Oct.22nd again years later has left me with no words and no answers...One beyond my grasp.

My therapist suggested that when I (finally) decide to write about my life, that I should name the book "Escaping Irony" since he says I am the "King of Irony". I told him "When I write it maybe people will understand the life I live and WHY I am the way I am."

Debbie understood me and that was fine, because everyone deserves to have someone in their life that they loved and felt understood the "how's", the "why's" and the bull**** that comes along with it.

As for me, The song "Watching the Wheels" by John Lennon is where my mind is currently at one year later.

I myself lost a family member last October. When it hit the one year mark earlier this month, I couldn't believe that she has been gone for a year. I still cry when I think about her not being here. It's still so hard. I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that. I'm going to pray for you and hope you can feel some bit of happiness on this day.

[desertangel]

Brian,
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of year. I know how hard it is. Something really bad happened to me around Christmas many years ago... it still makes me want to bypass the entire season, even though the bad thing that happened sort of rectified itself. Emotional trauma can be an odd thing. You are right, the wheels do keep going round and round, despite everything.
Hang in there my friend,
Laura

[DavidMn]

has already passed since the worse night of my adult life, when it all changed from the usual daily boredom & grind to absolute pain & sorrow.

How am I holding up? I'm still here though sometimes I question myself as to "why that is?" Too stubborn is the answer that crosses my mind and #2 Debbie would NOT want me to quit life just because she "went on ahead" without me.

Do I still grieve? Sure. Do I still shed tears? Of course. My mind is always elsewhere, and that is the date of October 22nd. Bad enough to lose my Father on the date in 1977, but to endure of the irony of Oct.22nd again years later has left me with no words and no answers...One beyond my grasp.

My therapist suggested that when I (finally) decide to write about my life, that I should name the book "Escaping Irony" since he says I am the "King of Irony". I told him "When I write it maybe people will understand the life I live and WHY I am the way I am."

Debbie understood me and that was fine, because everyone deserves to have someone in their life that they loved and felt understood the "how's", the "why's" and the bull**** that comes along with it.

As for me, The song "Watching the Wheels" by John Lennon is where my mind is currently at one year later.The reason you're still here is to make all of our lives here on the Ledge and elsewhere a little brighter. I had a chance to hang out with you in Tulsa earlier this year, and I can truly say I have NEVER met a more genuine decent person anytime anywhere. You are the most valuable person on this board bar none in my opinion not only for your generosity in sharing music but because youre just one of the good guys in this world. Brian it is an honor to call you a friend pure and simple.:)

[daniellaaarisen]

David, your post is absolutely heartwarming.

Brian, I just saw this thread for the first time and I am absolutely speechless. Your story is so, so tragic, especially considering you two had only recently been able to reconcile your relationship. But it sounds like you have recieved support from everyone you encounter and people don't reach out like that unless there is a distinct reason. You are an integral part of this board with your outstanding generosity with us and this thread is filled with so many words of encouragement and compassion because you deserve them.

I wish the absolute best for you!

[Steviefan49]

The reason you're still here is to make all of our lives here on the Ledge and elsewhere a little brighter. I had a chance to hang out with you in Tulsa earlier this year, and I can truly say I have NEVER met a more genuine decent person anytime anywhere. You are the most valuable person on this board bar none in my opinion not only for your generosity in sharing music but because youre just one of the good guys in this world. Brian it is an honor to call you a friend pure and simple.:)

Aww what a beautiful post David.. I can't agree more..

[Musicman408]

Brian, you have been in my prayers many a night over this past year- and it is so blessed to see that you are still here on the Ledge, making all of our days a little bit brighter. We love you- we really do, and we cherish your posts, and just you as a person. You are an inspiration in strength and perseverance, and you are quite a remarkable person. We are all soo glad to know you!

God Bless You!!!

[FMlex]

Well I think all of the above posts have summed up our thoughts, but I'd like to also say that I'm praying for you, Brian -- especially on this day.
I can't imagine how hard today is for you, but isn't it great to know that you've got a whole community of friends (and FM addicts as a bonus!) who are looking out for you? It's a good feeling.

You are very much appreciated on this board!
Stay strong.

[GODDESS6]

i was actually lucky enough to be a friend of debbie's on myspace~ i have never forgotten her & brian i think of you often & pray that you continue to have the strength that you have~ & i love when you share the memories of you & debbie~ it keeps her spirit alive & loved~ god bless you~ & brian you are a genuinely wonderful person & i feel blessed to know you~

In Loving Memory of
Debbie Johnson
Lil' Debbie
:angel:

Like a comet
Blazing 'cross the evening sky
Gone too soon

Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly
And splendidly bright
Here one day
Gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight
On a cloudy afternoon
Gone too soon

Like a castle
Built upon a sandy beach
Gone too soon

Like a perfect flower
That is just beyond your reach
Gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight
Here one day
Gone one night

Like a sunset
Dying with the rising of the moon
Gone too soon
Gone too soon

[gldstwmn]

As for me, The song "Watching the Wheels" by John Lennon is where my mind is currently at one year later.

I've always loved that song. It's been said before and I'll say it again: "There is a reason why even the angels don't give up at all..."

[SuzeQuze]

I've always loved that song. It's been said before and I'll say it again: "There is a reason why even the angels don't give up at all..."

Me too, that's a great message too, "I just have to let it go." It's a battle. I can only imagine what you're going through, Brian. Too bad this day can't just be skipped. Almost through it.

[Sahara]

You'll get there, Brian, praying for you tonight from Dublin :xoxo:

[estranged4life]

it's October 22nd yet again (Obviously) and the feeling of two years ago have not left my mind, those are still ever so fresh and tormenting.

Was very depressed most of Thursday, until I received good news that I have a job offer on the table pending the results of the drug testing (Never minded the urinalysis part, but hate the hair follicle crap...Being scalped!!!) so that's no problem.

Had to drive to OKC Thursday afternoon/evening and noticed a few odd occurrences that most wouldn't have noticed:

#1 A coyote walking parallel to I-40 as if it was wanting someone to notice it. I see coyotes all the time, but they are usually running across the highway, not nonchalantly walking it as this one did. Just walking very calmly about 15-20 feet from the roadway.

#2 Saw the full-moon rising and wondered how many odd occurences I was still in for the rest of the evening...many it appears. 'Someone' sending me a message from beyond the pail? Maybe :shrug:

#3 On the trip home, between El Reno and Yukon on I-40 (In the construction zone) I noticed what appearred to be a dead coyote/wolf on the shoulder of the West bound lane I was traveling, and when I look back up at the traffic in front of me a Jeep Liberty almost left the highway and just barely avoided overturning in front of the vehicle I was directly behind (About 100 feet ahead of the car I was behind).

Great the last thing I wanted to see for the next day or so was a car wreck...

#4 Did my usual "drive into the cemetery after dark" routine (Do it everytime I drive highway 58 at night to say hi to Debbie and tell her ALWAYS that I love and miss her). I love the <a href="http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=cr&CRid=1411066&CScn=alfalfa&CScntry=4&CSst=38&CScnty=2135&">Alfalfa Cemetery</a> and its serene atmosphere, and at night its hilarious to see headstones, some 200 years old, all darkened but minus the only light beaming from near our headstone with the solar powered angel I placed there back in 2008. Love to f**k with the older church **** who attend the Baptist Church located on the premises, make 'em think the cemetery is haunted by a 1 foot tall angel.

As I was leaving the cemetery I noticed hazard lights on the shoulder of the highway about 1 mile away to the South on Highway 58, figured it was either a person with vehicle problems broken down on the highway or a farmer's tractor hurrying to pull their peanuts/cotton before the coming storm...

Nope...

Someone had a very bad wreck on the East side of Highway 58, wrecking off the curve in the road, through the fencing and rolling/destroying their white Chevy SUV (Looked like an early 2000's Trailblazer). Gee, that's all I needed to see tonight, especially so close to the cemetery (That's two bad wrecks near the cemetery in the past year) and at a time when I would like to have my mind distracted by something else.

Nope...

Not allowed it appearrs.

Oddly enough, it started to storm here before midnight, however I never heard the rain falling, maybe tears from heaven???

Well 2 years out I am still a emotional wreck that "just keeps a pushin' on" (Lame REO Speedwagon pun) because I don't know nothing else...

Except I love and miss Debbie everyday.

[Meowi]

What a heart warming message.
Thankyou very much for the update, it is good to know that you are pulling through.

Thoughts and Prayers,

[vivfox]

Brian, thank you for taking the time to write your latest entry. I felt like I was there with you in the car as you were traveling on I-40. I've driven on that highway several times in my life.

[GODDESS6]

love to you brian...ALWAYS~

[GypsySorcerer]

Keeping you in my thoughts today, Brian.

[iamnotafraid]

Hang in there Brian.