Parenting Issue

[LindseyChick]

Hey....

If you found out your kid was on drugs, he mixed in with the wrong crowd last fall, and you found out he's shooting heroin, and the girlfriend's mother called to let you know they've been stealing from her house and yours...and you knew that...and he came home for a while, appearing to be "clean" and you sent out some resumes, got the kid an interview. He dressed up and he is a good kid. That was Friday. On Saturday morning, I took him for new glasses... his are cracked. He spoke to his dad Saturday afternoon about going to the car show... and then Saturday evening, while you were sleeping, he took every Beatle CD you have, I have, and apparently hocked them for money to buy drugs. And then on Monday morning, there is a message on the answering machine that they're offering him THE JOB. Pays well, with a future! I called every cell phone number I have..called friends's mothers...come HOME, you got the job! I FORGIVE YOU! The girlfriend's mother called...he says you threw him out! NO, no.. I haven't seen him to throw him out. He did a stupid thing.. hurt ME.. but tell him to come home so he can accept this job. From what I understand, he got the message. Said he was starting at the new job on Thursday. But he hasn't got in touch... I hope he goes to the new job. My biggest worry now is when they sit down for lunch, he doesn't have one. Am I a mother to this boy or a fool?

[Ghost_Tracker]

Hey....

I hope he goes to the new job. My biggest worry now is when they sit down for lunch, he doesn't have one. Am I a mother to this boy or a fool?


Once a Mother, always a Mother, even if it means being a fool sometimes.

:nod:

(i.m.o.)

[SuzeQuze]

He doesn't need a job he needs rehab. First things first.

[Pisces Queen]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. The only advice that I can give you is to protect your heart ~ because it's going to be shattered into a million pieces. Drugs take over ~ they make you no longer care about yourself, family or friends. There is nothing that you can do or say that can get through to your son unless he is ready to get clean. Especially heroin. From what I understand it is the most addictive substance and very hard to walk away from. The people here on the ledge have big hearts and lots of us have experienced what you are going through. This place is a great place for a support system but you’re going to need more then that. You may look into Al-Anon meetings for support and guidance as well.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[Steviefan49]

He doesn't need a job he needs rehab. First things first.

What a horrible situation for both the Mom and the son, but I agree with Suze, as he really needs to go to rehab first, and get clean before he starts with any job. I've SOO known people with problems like his, and they seem to be out every Friday and Monday with "excuses" because of their habits, and the priorities seem all jumbled, and definitely not straight. I think once he does this, at least he will have a good head start..

[sara1998]

Wow.

Firstly, if this is happening to you, I am so sorry.
Secondly, you're not being a fool, you're being a mother. Every mother wants better for their child.
Third and most important. No matter how badly you want better for the child, it's ultimately up to the child to want better for himself. It's also important to understand that you can only help those who are willing to be helped. You will drive yourself crazy trying to help someone who, on the outside wants help, but on the inside is unwilling to accept it. There's going to be a point in time when his illness will make you ill, and you'll have to make a decision: to either continue making yourself sick trying to help, or, to let him take full responsibility of his own life, cutting strings to him, and he'll either clean up, or hit rock bottom.

I don't want to sound like a cold hearted bitch, I just speak from experience, with a husband, and I've learned from it. I did exactly what you are doing, but no matter how much I tried to help, it backfired in my face. It was a huge strain on my life, strained my relationships with others, strained my job... and after the fact and all was said and done in my situation, I realized that one person, no matter how much I loved him, should not have dictated how my life was ran.

Again, you're not being a fool, just a concerned mother. But there's only so much you can do. You did the best you could in raising him, and it's up to him to take responsibility of his own life.

Good luck and Godspeed.

[Sarah]

Rehab only works for people who are READY to go. Otherwise, it just breeds resentment. Seriously.

Hopefully things will work out for him with the job. Good luck.

[hs421139]

From my experience, all I can say is that the person with the addiction has to want to
go to rehab, and only that person makes that decision. The person has to want it for
himself/herself...
Hoping that things work out.

[jannieC]

Hi LindseyChick- I merged the two threads for you. Also, check your PM's.

[Steviefan49]

From my experience, all I can say is that the person with the addiction has to want to
go to rehab, and only that person makes that decision. The person has to want it for
himself/herself...
Hoping that things work out.

Well, this is true, however, if her son is a 'minor" he needs to be made to go by an adult - who has some say.. I know he may resent it, and not like it, but it's something that needs to be done, for his own good before he can even focus on a job.. His priorities are outta wack as it is.. so I would highly doubt a job is even on his list.. ;)

[Steviefan49]

Rehab only works for people who are READY to go. Otherwise, it just breeds resentment. Seriously.

Hopefully things will work out for him with the job. Good luck.


True on this one, but if he's a minor, it's all up to the Parent's.. I just hope that all works out with him, and the family..:woohoo:

[gldstwmn]

He doesn't need a job he needs rehab. First things first.

Yep. I would advise LindseyChick to find a support group for families of addicts as well.
Melody Beattie has a book of daily affirmations called The Language Of Letting Go. It's part of the Hazelden Meditation Series. It's helped me a lot.

[reebokandlace]

I am sorry to hear about your son. As a parent you walk a fine line between enabling him because you are trying to rescue him and knowing you have to let go to save yourself. Even if he is a minor, when it comes to Heroin, only he can save himself. Heroin is tough to beat. An addict will do just about anything to "chase the dragon." It is his choice to use. It is his choice not to stop. Nothing you say or do will change that. I know several kids who are 6 feet under due to heroin. It is the same sad story over and over. I always feel so sorry for the parents who feel so helpless because they are watching their children do this to themselves. I wish you strength and courage to save yourself and your son strength and courage to save himself.

Reebok

[LindseyChick]

Thank you for your replies. I had no idea so many people would know so much. Matt is 22 years old. He is not a minor. Since I posted, he was somehow in our home. We changed the locks on the doors and I'm thinking he strong armed his way past my 16-year-old. Jon won't admit it, but he got in somehow. We and my daughter have dead bolt locks on our bedroom doors, and he still broke into our bedroom when we weren't home and took his guitar. We had it locked in our room, thinking, since we had actually paid for it, we would sell it to replace my Beatles music collection he had taken. I stilll can't comprehend how he could hurt me this much. I'm going to say that again...I STILL CAN'T COMPREHEND HOW HE COULD HURT ME THIS MUCH!. He knows what the Beatles mean to me. My husband is between having him arrested at the place his band practices at to calling the girlfriend and telling him that we've left a bag of food on the doorstep, come and get it and eat. At this point, I'm just waiting for a phone call asking me to identify a body. Oh, and by the way, I've got a nodule on my thyroid. When it rains, it pours. I should be worried about me, but I'm worried about him.

[GarboSpeaks!]

I agree w/ most everything, I mean you ARE his mother...BUT, he needs a swift kick in the ass, and a disconnection from you for a while. I mean he is always gonna come to you when he needs something, and as a mother, I realize you want/need to be there for your son, but @ the same time, you'd be aiding his problems, cause again, he KNOWS that everytime he screws up you'll take him back. Tough love. I mean, he needs to learn that you'll love him forever, but he can't do those things to you, and more importantly to himself. Hopefully he takes the job, gets his act together, but you are talking heroin. That's a tough one. I'd like to think that seeing a future would encourage him to want to stop and move upward, but w/ heroin uses, it's not likely. I wish you the best of luck, and sincerley suggest changing your locks. (Sorry didn't see that you had...but I had meant again. Sorry)

[Steviefan49]

Thank you for your replies. I had no idea so many people would know so much. Matt is 22 years old. He is not a minor. Since I posted, he was somehow in our home. We changed the locks on the doors and I'm thinking he strong armed his way past my 16-year-old. Jon won't admit it, but he got in somehow. We and my daughter have dead bolt locks on our bedroom doors, and he still broke into our bedroom when we weren't home and took his guitar. We had it locked in our room, thinking, since we had actually paid for it, we would sell it to replace my Beatles music collection he had taken. I stilll can't comprehend how he could hurt me this much. I'm going to say that again...I STILL CAN'T COMPREHEND HOW HE COULD HURT ME THIS MUCH!. He knows what the Beatles mean to me. My husband is between having him arrested at the place his band practices at to calling the girlfriend and telling him that we've left a bag of food on the doorstep, come and get it and eat. At this point, I'm just waiting for a phone call asking me to identify a body. Oh, and by the way, I've got a nodule on my thyroid. When it rains, it pours. I should be worried about me, but I'm worried about him.

Aww.. sooo sorry to hear about this.. And sorry he's not a minor.. I hope everything works out for you and your family, and your son gets the help he needs!

[Sarah]

:distress:

Sounds like someone needs a run in with the law. At least when someone's in jail, you know they have a roof over their head and food on a plate. I hate to say that, and I'm not trying to sound callous.. but it is true.

I hope things start looking better for you and your family soon.

[SuzeQuze]

Yep. I would advise LindseyChick to find a support group for families of addicts as well.
Melody Beattie has a book of daily affirmations called The Language Of Letting Go. It's part of the Hazelden Meditation Series. It's helped me a lot.

Yes or even Al Anon because alcohol addiction is nearly the same thing so you'll get the right kind of support and information there. I love TLoLG, that book helped me so much. I recommend it as well.

[David]

Do you guys ever see that show INTERVENTION on cable TV? It's riveting. Not every case on the program is successful, btw. But many are.

[SuzeQuze]

I have seen that show and agree it's riveting.

I wanted to mention LC that my cousin is a heroin addict in recovery and has been clean for about 3 years now. It was really scary for a long time. He stole from his family and all of that too. That was the disease and it was all about getting the drugs. Like with your son, it isn't about his feelings for you or wanting to hurt you. Although he did and he'll wake up to that and make amends as part of his recovery. There's no reason not to have hope that he'll find his way. Now's a good time to start praying/thinking good thoughts if you don't already. :angel: