Marriage/relationships

[skcin]

With celebrities in the news all the time for their breakups, and with the divorce rate so high, I'm curious to know what you guys think. Why don't people stay in long term relationships or marriages? I'm asking in general, not specifically to celebrities.

Do people give up more easily? Do people get married just because they feel they should (ie - getting "older", financial reasons) instead of waiting for the right person? Have weddings become more important than marriage? Are people less committed these days, or less forgiving, or both? Is the web making it easier to cheat by enabling people to meet others more easily? Do people not bother making a financial plan before they wed/move in together? Do they not discuss how kids should be raised ahead of time? Are people more unwilling to bend & compromise for their partners? Or are they less dependent on others, making it less necessary to stay with the wrong person for the wrong reasons?

Does anyone have other theories? I know, there are a million different reasons. I personally think that part of the increased divorce rate is that in the past, people stayed together no matter what, whether it was healthy or not - and I don't think that was always a good thing, esp. if it was an abusive situation. My great aunt used to say "yeah, John smacked me a few times, but I understood." :shocked: I was like HUH?!?! On the other hand, this man built his house with his own 2 hands, worked his ass off all his life,loved his wife & kids more than anything AND they were married for over 60 years. I never heard a negative thing about him - he didn't hit his kids, my aunt wasn't bruised & battered - they were very happy. She probably smacked him a few times too. OK, this cute love story is NOT meant to condone beating your spouse, I just realized it may sound that way. Ooops.

Well, the other side of the story if my mom's cousin, who got the **** beat out of her every day of her married life in the 1960's by her alcoholic husband. She finally snapped & stabbed him to death with a kitchen knife one night while he was beating her. The cops knew the house so well from all the domestic calls they got that it was ruled an accident. He "fell" on the knife. Maybe if it were more acceptable for this young Catholic girl to get a divorce, it wouldn't have happened that way - who knows?

Anyway. Um. OK. Maybe not the best examples. BUT I tend to think that people today give up more easily. Everything's so....temporary now. Disposable. I don't know. It's worrisome. Thoughts?

[eclipse]

I think you nailed it with the "tempory" idea...everything is "for awhile", not for-ever. I think that everyone is in such a rush, rush, rush.
The patience is gone...fPeople get itchy when waiting for anything! From waiting in line at a drive up window for food-that you called ahead on your cell- to make sure it would be ready to pick up... And getting gas. Think about it.
You don't even have to go inside- You pull up, put a card in the pump, pump your fuel, get a receiept (and some people don't even bother with that), And then you're off again to the next rushed destination.

Seems to be that waiting for something is a bad thing, whereas it used to be a good thing. I really think that impatience has alot to do with marriage break-ups. May sound simple and maybe it is... but I think our American society just "Can't Wait"- for the "right" spouse, for the work required to make a marriage last, when thigs get rocky...for things to settle down and work out, for an apology, for a slow response, I think we just can't wait for time to take time....
Then again, I know crap...

[jannieC]

I think you nailed it with all of your points, Paula. I was married once before for two years and so I am guilty of this phenomenon. A successful marriage takes a lot of work and total committment. I've been with my (now) husband (heh) 12 years (5 married) and I can honestly say that unless he murders someone in my family, we will not get divorced. We've been through pretty much everything a couple can go trhough and yet we still hang on. Well, except he's never physically abused me or vice versa.

I think that people feel a sense of entitlement- if I'm married I should be happy 100% of the time. That's a joke. I think expectations are set way too high. One has to realize that people are just PEOPLE and that you will not always agree on everything all the time.

Marriage is not taken seriously anymore. Everyone knows going in that it's relatively easy to get out. I think if someone is more concerned about the ceremoney, etc they are in for a rude awakening. A friend of mine has a daughter who recently had a gigantic wedding. Like 400+ people. Planned for a solid year, etc. 2 months after the wedding, she moved out (I would kill her!). She basically had a nervous breakdown after the wedding. Life became boring- ha! I know I sound mean, but come on!

I don't really know where I'm going with this. :rolleyes:

[skcin]

^ I DO! People are so focused on the wedding now (which society has made into a social event at which the bride feels that she has to impress her guests & expect gifts in return for an expensive meal, rather than just wanting to share her happiness) that afterwards, they have nothing to do. Planning & excitement & nervousness are gone - now what? :shrug: Be married? How do you do that? It's not always fun.

I honestly think this is why some people have kids so soon - they have to be planning something & looking forward to an event. People say "we want to have a baby" much more than I hear them say "we really want to raise great kids & have them contribute to society & make a family." That baby will get older - then what?

I say, buy a house that need renovating - that'll give you something to do, lol.

[Gypsy-Rhiannon]

I agree with all that has been said. People do seem to be in a rush at times.

I'm currently having major probs with my marriage at the moment. Hand on heart I can say that we would not still be together if we didn't have the kids. Maybe it has made us try harder.. I just don't know anymore. But I'm not sure how much longer we can hang on really :(

[skcin]

^ Oh, Pip, I'm so sorry to hear that. :(

[GODDESS6]

I agree with all that has been said. People do seem to be in a rush at times.

I'm currently having major probs with my marriage at the moment. Hand on heart I can say that we would not still be together if we didn't have the kids. Maybe it has made us try harder.. I just don't know anymore. But I'm not sure how much longer we can hang on really :(

awwww pip, i am sorry to hear this & you will be in my thoughts & prayers that all wrks out for you:xoxo: ~



i have been w/ my hubby for 20 yrs now (13 married), & we too have been thru the ringer together, except for domestic violence & infidelity, we have been thru alot, deaths, job loss, miscarriges, having to move...~ but i can honestly say i can't think of anyone else i would want to be with thru this bumpy ass road of life~ he is my rock & i am thankful for him everyday~

[Gypsy-Rhiannon]

Thanks guys. And Jill... it's great that you have such a strong relationship with your hubby. We've been together 15 years, married 12 years this past Sunday.

[Pisces Queen]

Everybody's posts are dead on right. People rush into marriage with out thinking it through. I remember when I divorced my husband in 1993. I was 22 years old with a 2 year old. My husband chose meth over us and it was the most painful experience I have ever been through. When I stood before God and gave my values I meant every word. It was so hard to walk away but I had no other choice. After that ended I vowed never to marry again. That was a bit extreme but that's how I felt. For years people would ask "what aren't you married?" like something was wrong with me. My FORMER best friend from high school called me a few years ago to tell me she had re-married and that she was having a baby. I was so happy for her and then she unleashed on me saying things like "What's wrong with you ~ why aren't you married ~ why don't you grow up?" I thought I was going to kill her. Why do people think something is wrong with you if you choose to be single. People seem to have this fear about singles. I have never understood it. I did re-marry in 2005 but not because I felt pressure too. I met the man that I wanted to share the rest of my life with.

[BTFLCHLD]

I don't have any theories, but I do agree with some of things that have been posted here. I think the majority of people just don't give a chit. Good marriages last, chitty ones don't. It is those that shouldn't be together in the first place that get together and then drop out. A lot of people just don't care about a person...sometimes it is what can you do for me...what can you give me...and if it's not enough they throw it away like yesterday's grocery bag. Then throw in the options...toss one there is another down the block. Very sad. I am happy I have had a great love in my lifetime. I don't need today's version of love. I am happy...I am content...with or without "mrright" ;) I feel for you guys...and hope you all have a trulove in your lifetime.

[Johnny Stew]

With celebrities in the news all the time for their breakups, and with the divorce rate so high, I'm curious to know what you guys think. Why don't people stay in long term relationships or marriages?

Do people give up more easily? Do people get married just because they feel they should (ie - getting "older", financial reasons) instead of waiting for the right person? Just from observation, the thing I notice most is that way too many people seek out relationships and get married just so they won't be single (which, in the minds of many people, is equated with "lonely"). We're all so programed to think that if you're not married or partnered by a certain age, you're somehow defective. But, of course, a relationship built on such a shaky foundation is doomed to fall apart.

A lot of people fall into that "I'm single and you're single, so let's not be single together" trap, when they'd really be much better off learning more about themselves first.

[skcin]

^ Oh I've had friends say "I have to meet someone because I want to get married before I'm 35." WTF? :shrug: You can't force love, IMO.

[BlackWidow]

With celebrities in the news all the time for their breakups, and with the divorce rate so high, I'm curious to know what you guys think. Why don't people stay in long term relationships or marriages? I'm asking in general, not specifically to celebrities.

Do people give up more easily? Do people get married just because they feel they should (ie - getting "older", financial reasons) instead of waiting for the right person? Have weddings become more important than marriage? Are people less committed these days, or less forgiving, or both? Is the web making it easier to cheat by enabling people to meet others more easily? Do people not bother making a financial plan before they wed/move in together? Do they not discuss how kids should be raised ahead of time? Are people more unwilling to bend & compromise for their partners? Or are they less dependent on others, making it less necessary to stay with the wrong person for the wrong reasons?

Does anyone have other theories? I know, there are a million different reasons. I personally think that part of the increased divorce rate is that in the past, people stayed together no matter what, whether it was healthy or not - and I don't think that was always a good thing, esp. if it was an abusive situation. My great aunt used to say "yeah, John smacked me a few times, but I understood." :shocked: I was like HUH?!?! On the other hand, this man built his house with his own 2 hands, worked his ass off all his life,loved his wife & kids more than anything AND they were married for over 60 years. I never heard a negative thing about him - he didn't hit his kids, my aunt wasn't bruised & battered - they were very happy. She probably smacked him a few times too. OK, this cute love story is NOT meant to condone beating your spouse, I just realized it may sound that way. Ooops.

Well, the other side of the story if my mom's cousin, who got the **** beat out of her every day of her married life in the 1960's by her alcoholic husband. She finally snapped & stabbed him to death with a kitchen knife one night while he was beating her. The cops knew the house so well from all the domestic calls they got that it was ruled an accident. He "fell" on the knife. Maybe if it were more acceptable for this young Catholic girl to get a divorce, it wouldn't have happened that way - who knows?

Anyway. Um. OK. Maybe not the best examples. BUT I tend to think that people today give up more easily. Everything's so....temporary now. Disposable. I don't know. It's worrisome. Thoughts?
It is usually because there is no foundation.
You have to really "like" your partner.

[Johnny Stew]

^ Oh I've had friends say "I have to meet someone because I want to get married before I'm 35." WTF? :shrug: You can't force love, IMO.You're absolutely right. And if that's their only reason to get married, then what they really should be saying is, "I have to meet someone because I want to be divorced before I'm 40."

[DrummerDeanna]

Just from observation, the thing I notice most is that way too many people seek out relationships and get married just so they won't be single (which, in the minds of many people, is equated with "lonely"). We're all so programed to think that if you're not married or partnered by a certain age, you're somehow defective. But, of course, a relationship built on such a shaky foundation is doomed to fall apart.

A lot of people fall into that "I'm single and you're single, so let's not be single together" trap, when they'd really be much better off learning more about themselves first.

SOOO right on.

I'm getting really tired of the, "oh you're single??" then I get a look as though I've just coughed up something vile.

I am actually single by choice. In Rochester I had the opportunity to be in a relationship with four different guys - I'm relatively certain one would have married me :laugh: In a recent cutting him off e-mail he said, "I LOVED YOU!!!" and some other stuff :eek:

I'm just not willing to settle...but a lot of people are.

I know someone (a friend of my sisters) who is getting married to the bigges loser. She's beautiful and a good person - but was tired of being single so she's settled. He's gross. He's a 35-year-old "skater". It's in quotes because he can't skate. He just quit his job because "he didn't like it" so now she's supporting a fat, lazy, no-personality skater so she can get married.

They just had a wedding invitation making party and the dude played video games the whole time, except once when he got up to criticizet he invites - then in front of all the women he decided to feed his snake.

Anyway.....

A lot of people settle. A lot of people rush it.

My mom just the other day updated me on a childhood friend I'd lost touch with: "She's still Jasso, she never did get married." Made her sound like an old maid - she's only one year older than me !!! :laugh:

What's scary though is sometimes I fall into that societal mind set and begin to think that something is wrong with me because I'm single and not married. Then I review my life so far and decide that I'm doing really well.

I like myself too much to settle for someone just for the sake of being coupled or just for the sake of a wedding.

[seeker007nmss]

I am single, over 40 (Why this age is seen as the "If your not married by 40, There must be something very wrong with you" I don't know). Sorry, I want Miss Right, Not Miss right now. I am also one of the few NOT divorced or on their 5th spouse. While I am not against marriage, I would prefer to be single than put up with some of the crap people put up with on a daily basis just to have "anyone". Oh well...

Here's a comfy kitty: :p

http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a88/Dreamtimezzz/ollie_hangs.jpg

[BTFLCHLD]

Here's a comfy kitty: :p fyi...my kitty likes your kitty. ;)
<img src="http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a152/BTFLCHLD/4295a37ed2c60_1.jpg">

[amber]

Um. I think the reasons mentioned are pretty much it. But I also don't think people are meant to be monogomous. Some people like it, but mostly it's hard.
Because once you've heard everything your signifigant other has to say, and you guys totally take each other for granted and don't pay attention to each other and treat everyone else as if they are more interesting than the person you are with - well, that is so boring. Then, you stop having sex hardly at all, which is the worst.

I don't think it is as strange that marriages don't last now as I think it's strange that some still do. There are many soul crushing aspects of marriage, IMO. You really have to be a special couple to have your lives remain interesting with each other. And if someone thinks you are boring, and if you think they are - and you try but can find no real enthusiasm or passion with them - why should you stay married? You can only try as hard as you can. And you certainly can't totally change the way you feel. It's just cruel to each other to stay married if neither of you likes it.

As a matter of fact, I think marriage is a pretty outdated concept. It's either been tied to religion or to blend property and both, usually. I mean, I don't need to be joined under "God" to validate me staying with someone. I can make a commitment without that. And I think it royally sucks that I would have to get married for the other person and I to get tax breaks.
Obviously I think you should do all you feel like doing to keep your relationship strong and vital. I just think it is bad to settle for less for years and years. Rough spots should be a time to grow to better spots.

[wondergirl9847]

...then in front of all the women he decided to feed his snake.

PLEASE tell me that is not a euphemism. :shocked:

[DavidMn]

Well, with regards to my situation, after my aunt died whom I was very close to, I think I tried too hard to replace that. Not exactly the right reason to seek someone out.

[DrummerDeanna]

PLEASE tell me that is not a euphemism. :shocked:

:laugh: It's not - he literally fed a real snake a live mouse. And chose a time when his house was full of his fiances closest friends and family. A lovely man, indeed.

[jannieC]

Um. I think the reasons mentioned are pretty much it. But I also don't think people are meant to be monogomous. Some people like it, but mostly it's hard.
Because once you've heard everything your signifigant other has to say, and you guys totally take each other for granted and don't pay attention to each other and treat everyone else as if they are more interesting than the person you are with - well, that is so boring. Then, you stop having sex hardly at all, which is the worst.

I have issues with this. Not issues with you pointing it out, but issues with wondering whether that's really true or not. Sometimes I really do wonder. You can only sustain that crazy passion for so long and then truthfully, it ("it" being sex) becomes different. But while it's not ever going to be as good as it was in the beginning, it's good in different ways. I can't imagine being in the thrall of a new relationship...permanently. I would be sick to my stomach and never sleep or eat!

Jeff and I have been together for 12 years so far and truthfully, he never bores me. We still crack up together and even though we've been through times where we've wanted to kill each other, sat in marriage counseling, etc., I cannot imagine my life without him. Do I ever wonder what it would be like to have that massive passion overwhelm thing going on with someone else? Sometimes, but it's not worth the risk of losing what I have with Jeff.

I used to think that once the passion is gone, it's over. Surely you can't rekindle. But that's totally not true. We've had some rough spots where I would have rather eaten glass than have sex. But once we worked our way through the bull****, everything came back again- yay!

Ok, enough of me. How about YOU? lol :laugh:

[sara1998]

I totally enjoyed being married. And, when it was good, it was very good. Every marriage has it's ups and downs. Mine was no exception. Granted, we were only together for 5 years, married 2 1/2, we never got sick of eachother. We always had something to talk about, sex was always great... even our friends knew it was a great relationship. One of my friends shouted out in an argument with her ex boyfriend, "why can't we be more like Maria and Jason???" haha... Also, I wouldn't marry Jason because I had his kid. She was almost 2 before we decided to marry, for eachother, not her. I do not enjoy being single, but I refuse to settle, just for the sake of being married. It's not fair to me, Sara, or the other person. I do want to remarry eventually, because I'm not the type to go have multiple partners, not because I think it's wrong, because it's uncomfortable for me. I would much rather be in a monogamous relationship for a long while or a lifetime, then jump around constantly. It's not stable enough for me.

[estranged4life]

in my marriage when all my family have failed in previous marriages is a mystery to me. I dont have any clue to how Deb can tolerate me, she must be a miracle worker because I can be rather difficult in some of my ways (Deb's a Southern belle-I'm the Devil's child :lol: ) and I the older I get the more PO'd I have become at the world.

I have noticed the past few years that she has started to see life in a similar way that I have, so maybe I have rubbed off on her (Poor woman-Tsk, tsk, tsk... :lol: )

We never have arguements about silly petty **** since her bout with cancer, life is too damn precious to let lil' **** rain down upon yer parade.

[SuzeQuze]

^ Oh I've had friends say "I have to meet someone because I want to get married before I'm 35." WTF? :shrug: You can't force love, IMO.

Yeah, it's some kind of cutoff age and I'm feeling alot of pressure and sadness about it. But I just haven't met the right person.

People really do focus on the wedding so much nowadays. The industry is so lucrative and the bridal magazines are full of all of these expensive things that no one needs. I was going to get married once and thought I had to do all of that. But if and when I ever do get married there is no way. I'm going to do something simpler.

I don't know why it is such a shock that these two split. They seemed mismatched right off except she claimed to be so much in love. But she was just a baby! And he is not exactly as successful as her which can be difficult for a man's ego. Famous people's marriages have a lot more stressors on them than average folks' marriages.

We should never model our relationships on theirs because they are crazy. The stresses of travel, all that money, all the attention, it is too much for most relationships. That and, as people have said, you can just give up if you feel like it. If you're bored.

Although some relationships can be worked at and worked at but they'll never be right. It's a shame but it is true. We are all only human and can only do so much. Especially when the other won't do anything different. I got myself sick over trying to make a relationship work. So now I am still single because I will never do that again. It has to be right.

[BTFLCHLD]

This thread is just the depressant I need. I do still believe in love. :nod:

[seeker007nmss]

fyi...my kitty likes your kitty. ;)
<img src="http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a152/BTFLCHLD/4295a37ed2c60_1.jpg">

That's one cute kitty! :wavey:

[BTFLCHLD]

That's one cute kitty! :wavey: Yeah, you shouldn't find her too hard to resist. :cool:

[JazmenFlowers]

We've had some rough spots where I would have rather eaten glass than have sex. But once we worked our way through the bull****, everything came back again- yay!
damn girl...them was some REAL rough spots eh? :)

glad you guys worked it out.

[TwistedGypsy]

What a great topic to get into. Right now I'm in the longest realtionship I've had. Damian and I will have been together for 2 years Oct. 6th. I'd say things moved rather quick for us. We have a 5 month old son and have been engaged since May 14th. But I truly feel this is who I am supposed to be with. Even though some things he does irritates the Hell out of me, but so does everyone else. :rolleyes:
I agree with what Paula said about the wedding being such a big deal these days. Damian and I both don't care to have a big wedding with all the trimmings, cause to us thats not what is most important. Of course we want a wedding though to share that moment with family and friends, not just to show off. I can't stand these "Bridezillas" who think its MY DAY! I want to ring their F***ing neck and say you are the reason why divorce is at 50%! I truly hope that when we do marry it does last till death. And if something does happen I know we will try our hardest to work through it.

[TwistedGypsy]

Jason!! OMG I LOVE your new sig! One of the best ones so far! Sort of goes with this topic too. :p

[amber]

I have issues with this. Not issues with you pointing it out, but issues with wondering whether that's really true or not. Sometimes I really do wonder. You can only sustain that crazy passion for so long and then truthfully, it ("it" being sex) becomes different. But while it's not ever going to be as good as it was in the beginning, it's good in different ways. I can't imagine being in the thrall of a new relationship...permanently. I would be sick to my stomach and never sleep or eat!


I didn't mean all new passion, all the time. I was speaking of married people who "never" have sex. Or even rarely. For long periods of time. Yet they live together. *shudder*. It's fine if Mr. and Mrs. Asexual get married, and they're totally happy and in agreement. And neither of them wants to sleep with someone else.
Obviously, that is just one aspect I mentioned that I find distasteful.

I can imagine being in the thrall of a new relationship permanently. I mean, it doesn't happen, but I can imagine it being really cool if it did. I think my stomach would feel fine, though, and I could sleep and eat.
If you were really that sickly, no, it wouldn't be cool. :laugh:

[GODDESS6]

I didn't mean all new passion, all the time. I was speaking of married people who "never" have sex. Or even rarely. For long periods of time. Yet they live together. *shudder*. It's fine if Mr. and Mrs. Asexual get married, and they're totally happy and in agreement. And neither of them wants to sleep with someone else.
Obviously, that is just one aspect I mentioned that I find distasteful.
i do daycare for a couple like this, except the not sleep w/ someone else part, they have 2 kids ages 7 & almost 5~ they got married becuz of being preggers w/ the 1st child & i guess all was good so far, but the wife admittedly got preggers again, while telling her hubby that she was using birthcontrol~ they are still married & like *sleep* together, i mean *sleep* not be intimate at all~ he won't touch her ever since she got pregnant w/ their 5 yr old son~ not even a kiss, he tells her she trapped him & has had numerous physical affairs that she knows about & is constantly online w/ women, trying to meet w/ them~ matter of fact right now he is on a *vaca* :rolleyes: while his wife is home here~ they never talk of divorce, they do talk of continuing to be together, it is all so strange to me, to be living like that~ i can't imagine:shrug: :distress: ~ the wife says she loves him & won't leave & even went as far as to ask her hubby if he was gay, becuz he hadn't touched her in like 5 yrs, but then she knows the people he cheated w/ were women, so deep down she knows he isn't~ i just listen to her, shake my head deep inside myself & say a little prayer, whata mess~

[JazmenFlowers]

Jason!! OMG I LOVE your new sig! One of the best ones so far! Sort of goes with this topic too. :p
thank you! I think it came out sort of how I imagined too. it's just a placeholder while I work on another one.

[BlackWidow]

Um. I think the reasons mentioned are pretty much it. But I also don't think people are meant to be monogomous. Some people like it, but mostly it's hard.
Because once you've heard everything your signifigant other has to say, and you guys totally take each other for granted and don't pay attention to each other and treat everyone else as if they are more interesting than the person you are with - well, that is so boring. Then, you stop having sex hardly at all, which is the worst.

I don't think it is as strange that marriages don't last now as I think it's strange that some still do. There are many soul crushing aspects of marriage, IMO. You really have to be a special couple to have your lives remain interesting with each other. And if someone thinks you are boring, and if you think they are - and you try but can find no real enthusiasm or passion with them - why should you stay married? You can only try as hard as you can. And you certainly can't totally change the way you feel. It's just cruel to each other to stay married if neither of you likes it.

As a matter of fact, I think marriage is a pretty outdated concept. It's either been tied to religion or to blend property and both, usually. I mean, I don't need to be joined under "God" to validate me staying with someone. I can make a commitment without that. And I think it royally sucks that I would have to get married for the other person and I to get tax breaks.
Obviously I think you should do all you feel like doing to keep your relationship strong and vital. I just think it is bad to settle for less for years and years. Rough spots should be a time to grow to better spots.
You are very wise...

[skcin]

Um. I think the reasons mentioned are pretty much it. But I also don't think people are meant to be monogomous. Some people like it, but mostly it's hard.
Because once you've heard everything your signifigant other has to say, and you guys totally take each other for granted and don't pay attention to each other and treat everyone else as if they are more interesting than the person you are with - well, that is so boring. Then, you stop having sex hardly at all, which is the worst.

I don't think it is as strange that marriages don't last now as I think it's strange that some still do. There are many soul crushing aspects of marriage, IMO. You really have to be a special couple to have your lives remain interesting with each other. And if someone thinks you are boring, and if you think they are - and you try but can find no real enthusiasm or passion with them - why should you stay married? You can only try as hard as you can. And you certainly can't totally change the way you feel. It's just cruel to each other to stay married if neither of you likes it.

As a matter of fact, I think marriage is a pretty outdated concept. It's either been tied to religion or to blend property and both, usually. I mean, I don't need to be joined under "God" to validate me staying with someone. I can make a commitment without that. And I think it royally sucks that I would have to get married for the other person and I to get tax breaks.
Obviously I think you should do all you feel like doing to keep your relationship strong and vital. I just think it is bad to settle for less for years and years. Rough spots should be a time to grow to better spots.

Well, I don't think there's anything abnormal about being married. :laugh: BUT I agree that people seem to assume it's something they HAVE to do, whether it be for religious reasons or whatever. And it's not something everyone has to do, or should do.

I think that's why we waited 10 years to get married, and why we made it extra special & private & unique & beautiful, not some huge extravagant "yoohoo! look at me!" thing. We didn't want to do it for our families, or for financial reasons, or because a church said we had to. We did it for US, to celebrate our relationship & our love together.

And I personally try not to take him (or us) for granted, but I agree that many people do that. It all becomes routine, run of the mill, and can get boring. You just can't allow that to happen.

[amber]

i do daycare for a couple like this, except the not sleep w/ someone else part, they have 2 kids ages 7 & almost 5~ they got married becuz of being preggers w/ the 1st child & i guess all was good so far, but the wife admittedly got preggers again, while telling her hubby that she was using birthcontrol~ they are still married & like *sleep* together, i mean *sleep* not be intimate at all~ he won't touch her ever since she got pregnant w/ their 5 yr old son~ not even a kiss, he tells her she trapped him & has had numerous physical affairs that she knows about & is constantly online w/ women, trying to meet w/ them~ matter of fact right now he is on a *vaca* :rolleyes: while his wife is home here~ they never talk of divorce, they do talk of continuing to be together, it is all so strange to me, to be living like that~ i can't imagine:shrug: :distress: ~ the wife says she loves him & won't leave & even went as far as to ask her hubby if he was gay, becuz he hadn't touched her in like 5 yrs, but then she knows the people he cheated w/ were women, so deep down she knows he isn't~ i just listen to her, shake my head deep inside myself & say a little prayer, whata mess~

:shocked: :eek:

Thanks for a fine, cautionary example of one of my worst nightmares. :nod: Seriously, that is massive suckage.

[skcin]

:shocked: :eek:

Thanks for a fine, cautionary example of one of my worst nightmares. :nod: Seriously, that is massive suckage.


Yeah, that's really bad. :distress:

[amber]

Yeah, that's really bad. :distress:

I would be so out of there. I wouldn't have had kids. And I wouldn't have had two kids. And he'd have so eaten my dust the first time he ever said anything like that.
Are there any more ways for me to say how much that I would never allow anything in that story into my life?

[skcin]

^ No, you about covered it.

It's sad that she's allowed herself to become so dependent on him. Her self esteem must be nil.

I had a friend in high school like that - she wanted this guy so badly, even though he was no prize. It became an obsession. So they hooked up one drunken night & kind of sort of started dating, even though he would bad mouth her to his friends.

He broke up with her, but not before she got knocked up (I love that phrase, I use it all the time.) So they stayed together "for the baby" that he never wanted. They split up several more times, but she managed to get pregnant 2 more times to "keep him." Now, at age 32, she's a single mom of 3 young girls living back home with her parents. Yeah, she planned that one out really well. I know it takes two to get preg, but she always claimed she was on BC. Guy was an idiot.

I don't really feel sorry for her - she made her bed. But the kids - I hope they never find out that they were basically pawns in this relationship. And I hope she really loves & cares for them.

[amber]

I wonder about what goes through chick's minds when they think that not only will a guy be stoked to take care of/support kids of his by a person he doesn't want to be with, but that if you have his kids, suddenly he'll love and want to be with you.
Seriously. Who invented that? Someone lame, for sure. So now you have these kids of a guy that doesn't even like you. Great. :rolleyes:

[sparky]

There are so many reasons that relationships and marriages are short term these days. I could write a thesis but will just go over what I consider to be the basics.

1. We live in a gimme it now society. Hard work is not valued as it once was. There is no patience. Attention spans are short. The culprits are technology, the media, and the way basic human nature interacts with both.

2. Most people under 40 were brought up in a culture where divorce was the norm. Divorce is not seen as a failure or the result of a bad decision. It's just one more event.

3. Relationships are not taken seriously. Because the concept of long term is not built in, they are seen as disposable. Everything is a test run. Nothing is for keeps. Thus, less emotional investment, thus more breakups. Vicious cycle.

4. There has been basic breakdown in traditional male/female roles and relationships, and there is no standard to take its place. I am not going to say that feminism is a bad thing, because I don't think it is. However, I think at it's extreme in the 70's it created a mindset that women don't need men AT ALL. And the result is a lot of people who are left to fend for themselves and decide what they are supposed to do. A decision most are not equipped to make. You have a lot of women raised to think like stereotypical men, and a lot of men who don't know what the hell to do. I am not saying that traditional roles were great, just that without any at all, people are left to their own devices. Those devices are sketchy at best.

Personally, I tend to agree with Amber, in that I am not sure that biologically and psychologically, humans are wired to be in one relationship forever. Which is why it is such a struggle. We like to think that we accept that it is hard work, but few do. We aren't taught conflict resolution and how to communicate and then wonder why we fight with our mates and can't make up. Monogamy doesn't seem to be a natural state for most people. And then we wonder why so many, mostly men, consider marriage to be a straitjacket.

In my own life, I am still not sure where I fit in all of this. I like to consider myself open to options. God knows, I am so happy on my own that I don't accept guys that are glaringly wrong. And I am so content, I don't know how hard I will ever look for a relationship again. It'll be an accident if it ever happens. So, my own cycle may make that decision for me.

[skcin]

^ What's cool is that you guys are so comfortable with yourselves and happy in your lives, you may not ever feel the need for a long term relationship that will last until you die. You're not saying "well, gettin' older, I'd better find someone (ie - anyone) to settle down with..." And thank God for that - why should you? You'd probably just end up a statistic for doing it for the wrong reasons.

[jannieC]

I'm not all pro-marriage (well, I'm pro-MY marriage, but I really don't care what other people do)) but I think when you bring children into the picture, it's pretty important to show your children that you are committed to their other parent.

[foxyluva]

I was just thinking about this thread, and I realsied I have not been in a relationship since I was 16 - almost 4 years ago :eek: and that was with a girl!

I need to get me a man :lol:

[sparky]

^ What's cool is that you guys are so comfortable with yourselves and happy in your lives, you may not ever feel the need for a long term relationship that will last until you die. You're not saying "well, gettin' older, I'd better find someone (ie - anyone) to settle down with..." And thank God for that - why should you? You'd probably just end up a statistic for doing it for the wrong reasons.

There is that. And for that I am grateful. Of course there are nagging questions that rear up from time to time. Have you ever seen that cartoon t-shirt of the panicked weeping woman with the bubble above her head that says,"Oh my god ! I forgot to have children !" ? :lol:

I have often wondered if that won't be me, except it's a Sparky head saying "Oh my god ! I forgot to find a dude !" :nod:

On the flip side, if I ever do decide to make a committment, I am old enough now that I could likely die before I get really sick of someone.:thumbsup:

[DrummerDeanna]

I think a lot of people use kids as pawns in relationships.

Several years ago my nephew was in a high-end private pre-school. The women my sister met through there..SCARY and sad.

They all married into mega money and had at the minimum three children. Why? Well a couple of them told my sister that once there are three or more children the husband won't leave because the alimony/child support would break him - so it's cheaper for him to stay. Basically these women felt they had to do this in order to keep their wealthy husbands. Sick and sad.

As a result most (not all but most) of the kids were a mess and were mean and just not pleasant at all (much like their parents!)

[Mad4stevie]

Speaking as a former divorce and custody attorney . . . .

People usually get divorced in the first two years, or after 15 or so.

The main reasons?

1. Lack of effective communication (whether about finances, sex or the kids)
2. Addictions (alcohol, drugs, work, gambling, etc.)
3. Expected marriage to "fix" them or their partner's problems
4. Got married too young, before they knew who they were and what they needed to be happy
5. Wanted instant gratification - marriage = instant security; divorce = instant (supposedly) end to obligations to the other person

I heard the same thing over and over again from clients.

My personal opinion is that people do not appreciate the commitment that marriage is supposed to entail. My parents have been married 35 years. I want to get married only once, which is why I am still unmarried and why I called off my wedding six years ago (we would have ended up divorced for sure).

At the same time, I do not condone staying in a marriage that is abusive in any way. I think there is a fine line - with the emergence of "self-help" books, shows, etc. people are more aware that they don't have to take crap from someone else, and as a result, they become empowered. Feeling empowered can lead to good or bad (rash) choices. Sometimes it motivates to confront the problems that are present in the relationship, other times it could lead someone to just say "f-it, I am outta here" without trying to work through the issues in the relationship.