dudden22
04-25-2006, 12:09 PM
New Rule: Instead of censuring President Bush or reprimanding Cynthia McKinney, have McKinney and Laura Bush do that temporary wife-swap thing. If TV has taught us anything, it's that there's nothing more entertaining than a no-nonsense black woman dressing down an incompetent white man. When Bush goes into his "We're fighting them over here" shtick, McKinney can do the "Oh, no, you didn't!" Punctuated with the ever-colorful, "Neocon, please!"
New Rule: Tom Cruise must eat his baby and rename his movie. Apparently the sequel to "Mission: Impossible II" isn't "Mission: Impossible III." It's "m:i:3." That's "m-colon-i-colon-3." I guess Tom just likes fitting in colons. And on the...and on the home front, he's already announced plans to eat his baby's placenta...with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Tom, just go ahead and finish the whole thing, because that kid is going to be one screwed up little Martian anyway. Even Michael Jackson is thinking, "Wow, I never literally ate a kid." They get cranky later on in the evening.
New Rule: If you think Andy Card was the problem, there aren't enough air holes in your bubble. For months, people have been telling the president someone has to go. And that someone...is Andy Card? Yeah, let's hold onto the torture guy, the no-armor guy, the Katrina guy, the guy who exposes CIA agents, and the guy who shoots old men in the face.
No, the real problem was this monster, Andy Card. Who wants to spend more time with his family because they've never heard of him either!
New Rule: If you work at an office, you have to take a turn cleaning the office microwave. I opened ours the other day, and a bat flew out. The inside looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. The three settings are now, "Cook," "Defrost" and "Hepatitis." And if you're not going to clean the damn thing, at least take out whatever is growing in there so we can harvest the stem cells.
New Rule, and this one is for the kids: Kids, if you're going to bring cocaine to class, make sure you bring enough for everyone. This week, a second-grader in Philadelphia brought 18 bags of cocaine to school and passed it around. Boy, there's a switch. Going in the sandbox and getting "crack in your sand." Then at recess, one kid tried to fly a kite, but he'd done so much blow, he couldn't get it up.
All right. New Rule: For the rest of his trial, Saddam Hussein has to be put in that Hannibal Lecter thing. It'll cut down on the outbursts. Plus, we need him to look evil. Instead of what he looks like right now: a viable option.
New Rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for; you can pray for rain. Oh, I'm going to get letters on that one.
All right, New Rule: Mixing meat and donut is not kosher. A minor league baseball park has introduced the "Donut Burger." A cheeseburger with bacon served between a Krispy Kreme donut. It's all part of the team's new promotion: "Eat s*** and Die."
New Rule: If "Today Show" host Katie Couric gets to become anchor of the "CBS Evening News," then Barney the Dinosaur gets to replace Mike Wallace on "60 Minutes." This way, everybody wins. CBS News gets a perky blond, and "60 Minutes" gets somebody younger.
New Rule: Let Britney be Britney. Darwin's survival of the fittest depends on hillbillies being left alone to do stupid hillbilly things. Like sticking forks in toasters and leaving babies in front seats, and going hunting with Dick Cheney. She's Britney Spears. Of course, she's going to drive with the baby on her lap. We're just lucky she didn't it mixed up with an empty and throw it out the window.
New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. "American Idol" will always have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more exciting than televised karaoke? But everyone knows the show is most entertaining when Paula is thick-tongued and sleepy-eyed and poised on the brink of yelling, "Who wants to do me?!"
New Rule: President Bush has to stop saying that, "before 9/11, we thought oceans could protect us." No, we didn't. Maybe in your world, the oceans were like America's moat—and you were king, and Condie was a Nubian princess. But in our world, we knew that our enemies, evil though they may be, had figured out boats and flying machines.
New Rule: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the "morning-after" contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.
New Rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.
New Rule: There is a place to stop the dancing, and that would be in commercials. Folks, if furniture polish makes you dance around the house, you're drinking too much of it. If you're waltzing with the Domino's guy, or if your hay fever medication causes you to air-tango in a wheat field—perhaps you've accidentally slipped yourself a "roofy." Besides, if you really want people dancing around your house, do what I did: put in a stripper pole. I did not...It came with the house.
And finally, New Rule: People who run everything can't complain that they're underdogs. To whit, this week, there was a highly-attended conference in Washington called "The War on Christians." Because nothing quite says "I'm oppressed," like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shoreham Hotel.
Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity? Oh, that's right, they're 80% of the American people, and have taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller list, and until recently, Katie Holmes. You know, Christians, I don't mind that you're part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but the paranoia, that does scare me.
Did you know that the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri's majority religion. No kidding. Really, you mean people aren't saying, "Gosh, I'd like to go to Missouri, but...to Jewish." In Savannah, recently, a children's book about a baby penguin who is raised by two male penguins - ahh! - was removed from the library for its homosexual overtones. Because you know penguins, in those tuxedos, with the dreamy eyes. Huge fags!
The Christian right are now officially the party of paranoia. Secularists are attacking Christmas! Gays are attacking marriage! Liberals are attacking values! White girls are being abducted at an alarming rate! You know, if you're going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high.
And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity aren't Christians at all. They're demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
And Jesus - and Jesus never said a word about gay marriage. He was much too busy hanging out with 12 guys. Now - now I know George Bush says Jesus Christ changed his heart. But believe me, Dick Cheney changed it back. The only thing Bush has in common with Jesus is they both went into their father's business and got crucified for it.
Thomas Jefferson called the type of Christian who trumpets his own belief in the divinity of Jesus rather than the morality of Jesus "pseudo-Christians." And that's who's running our country today. And since they thrive so much on turning water into "whining"—and get off on their endless pretend persecution, this Easter season, let's give them what they want. Let's go to the zoo, get some lions, and feed them Tom DeLay.
New Rule: Tom Cruise must eat his baby and rename his movie. Apparently the sequel to "Mission: Impossible II" isn't "Mission: Impossible III." It's "m:i:3." That's "m-colon-i-colon-3." I guess Tom just likes fitting in colons. And on the...and on the home front, he's already announced plans to eat his baby's placenta...with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Tom, just go ahead and finish the whole thing, because that kid is going to be one screwed up little Martian anyway. Even Michael Jackson is thinking, "Wow, I never literally ate a kid." They get cranky later on in the evening.
New Rule: If you think Andy Card was the problem, there aren't enough air holes in your bubble. For months, people have been telling the president someone has to go. And that someone...is Andy Card? Yeah, let's hold onto the torture guy, the no-armor guy, the Katrina guy, the guy who exposes CIA agents, and the guy who shoots old men in the face.
No, the real problem was this monster, Andy Card. Who wants to spend more time with his family because they've never heard of him either!
New Rule: If you work at an office, you have to take a turn cleaning the office microwave. I opened ours the other day, and a bat flew out. The inside looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. The three settings are now, "Cook," "Defrost" and "Hepatitis." And if you're not going to clean the damn thing, at least take out whatever is growing in there so we can harvest the stem cells.
New Rule, and this one is for the kids: Kids, if you're going to bring cocaine to class, make sure you bring enough for everyone. This week, a second-grader in Philadelphia brought 18 bags of cocaine to school and passed it around. Boy, there's a switch. Going in the sandbox and getting "crack in your sand." Then at recess, one kid tried to fly a kite, but he'd done so much blow, he couldn't get it up.
All right. New Rule: For the rest of his trial, Saddam Hussein has to be put in that Hannibal Lecter thing. It'll cut down on the outbursts. Plus, we need him to look evil. Instead of what he looks like right now: a viable option.
New Rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for; you can pray for rain. Oh, I'm going to get letters on that one.
All right, New Rule: Mixing meat and donut is not kosher. A minor league baseball park has introduced the "Donut Burger." A cheeseburger with bacon served between a Krispy Kreme donut. It's all part of the team's new promotion: "Eat s*** and Die."
New Rule: If "Today Show" host Katie Couric gets to become anchor of the "CBS Evening News," then Barney the Dinosaur gets to replace Mike Wallace on "60 Minutes." This way, everybody wins. CBS News gets a perky blond, and "60 Minutes" gets somebody younger.
New Rule: Let Britney be Britney. Darwin's survival of the fittest depends on hillbillies being left alone to do stupid hillbilly things. Like sticking forks in toasters and leaving babies in front seats, and going hunting with Dick Cheney. She's Britney Spears. Of course, she's going to drive with the baby on her lap. We're just lucky she didn't it mixed up with an empty and throw it out the window.
New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. "American Idol" will always have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more exciting than televised karaoke? But everyone knows the show is most entertaining when Paula is thick-tongued and sleepy-eyed and poised on the brink of yelling, "Who wants to do me?!"
New Rule: President Bush has to stop saying that, "before 9/11, we thought oceans could protect us." No, we didn't. Maybe in your world, the oceans were like America's moat—and you were king, and Condie was a Nubian princess. But in our world, we knew that our enemies, evil though they may be, had figured out boats and flying machines.
New Rule: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the "morning-after" contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.
New Rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.
New Rule: There is a place to stop the dancing, and that would be in commercials. Folks, if furniture polish makes you dance around the house, you're drinking too much of it. If you're waltzing with the Domino's guy, or if your hay fever medication causes you to air-tango in a wheat field—perhaps you've accidentally slipped yourself a "roofy." Besides, if you really want people dancing around your house, do what I did: put in a stripper pole. I did not...It came with the house.
And finally, New Rule: People who run everything can't complain that they're underdogs. To whit, this week, there was a highly-attended conference in Washington called "The War on Christians." Because nothing quite says "I'm oppressed," like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shoreham Hotel.
Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity? Oh, that's right, they're 80% of the American people, and have taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller list, and until recently, Katie Holmes. You know, Christians, I don't mind that you're part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but the paranoia, that does scare me.
Did you know that the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri's majority religion. No kidding. Really, you mean people aren't saying, "Gosh, I'd like to go to Missouri, but...to Jewish." In Savannah, recently, a children's book about a baby penguin who is raised by two male penguins - ahh! - was removed from the library for its homosexual overtones. Because you know penguins, in those tuxedos, with the dreamy eyes. Huge fags!
The Christian right are now officially the party of paranoia. Secularists are attacking Christmas! Gays are attacking marriage! Liberals are attacking values! White girls are being abducted at an alarming rate! You know, if you're going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high.
And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity aren't Christians at all. They're demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
And Jesus - and Jesus never said a word about gay marriage. He was much too busy hanging out with 12 guys. Now - now I know George Bush says Jesus Christ changed his heart. But believe me, Dick Cheney changed it back. The only thing Bush has in common with Jesus is they both went into their father's business and got crucified for it.
Thomas Jefferson called the type of Christian who trumpets his own belief in the divinity of Jesus rather than the morality of Jesus "pseudo-Christians." And that's who's running our country today. And since they thrive so much on turning water into "whining"—and get off on their endless pretend persecution, this Easter season, let's give them what they want. Let's go to the zoo, get some lions, and feed them Tom DeLay.