Please say a prayer for me... - Page 8

DavidMn · #**106** 11-08-2008, 02:01 AM

speaking of dates, January 29th is the date I lost my great aunt Eloise at the age of 93. to understand the type of relationship we had her husband died a month after I was born in 1971. We bacame very close and I spent a ton of time with her growing up. Its highly unusual for a teenage kid to want to spend time with an elderly relative, but we were just that close. As she aged more, I took on the responsibilities of helping her take care of her hous she had lived in since 1940. In 2000 she had to sell the house and move into a senior apartment. Looking back, I spent so much time in that house, I think when she had to sell that I just couldnt accept it. I became depressed, slthough I didnt show it to anyone but myself. She lived in this apartment until January 29th, 2004 when she passed away. I wasnt there when she died, and to tis day I have trouble forgiving myself for that. After her passing I went into a total shell. I mean I still lived my life went to concerted, baseball games etc. But I was the gas tank was completely empty emotionally. I think this lack of communication with others about my issues led to my suicide attempt on June 20, 2004. Ironically I had just returned from seeing Fleetwood Mac and that day I completely crashed, thats the only way I can describe it. I took about 85 sleeping pills. My friend came over to check up on me and I was nearly passed out. He immideately called 911 and the ambulance came and took me to the hospital where I was forced to drink charcoal. I was in the ER the next day when the doctor came in and tolf me that I was VERY lucky that I didnt suffer serious liver damage from taking the pills. The doc told me also that it would have been about another hour or so and I wouldve died. I spent 2 weeks in the psych ward at the hospital trying to get myself together. It still is a struggle to this day. Some days I wish I wasnt here, some I feel like nothing can stop me or what I want to do, but that also has to do with my mild bi-polar disorder I suffer from. Brian, the main thing I can offer to you in advice is to not shut yourself down emotionally. I would never pretend to tell you how to deal with your unique situation, but i will try to help you in the best way I know how.

estranged4life · #**107** 11-08-2008, 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidMn

Brian, the main thing I can offer to you in advice is to not shut yourself down emotionally.

considering how much pain is in my heart at this time, but the will to live outweighs the will to die - so I'm choosing to live.

Will I get over this? No, but I can choose to deal with it in a way that helps lessen the sorrow. I've never been one to live for more than the current day I am in, and that helps out in this situation. As my older brother said "Anyday above ground is a good day" (Meaning 'suicide is NOT an option' - and as I have done my whole life I will wear this current 'scar' as a "tribulation" 'war scar' from this thing called life).

I'd really be alright if nosey people in my life would respect my privacy and quit asking about how much the insurance policy is...I dont care about money, never have OR WILL - I would rather have Debbie here and be broke...$$$$ doesnt mean ****!!!

Betsy · #**108** 11-09-2008, 10:42 PM

I find it comforting and wonderful, all the love expressed to you, Brian, and people sharing their heart aches in attempts to tell you that you are not alone. People here love and care for you, and I consider myself a part of that group, even though I have not been a member as long as the rest have been.

I also find it comforting that you are working through this terrible tragedy and are willing to share your thoughts with us.

..."the will to live outweighs the will to die - so I'm choosing to live."

Hang in there Brian...a lot of people love you and care about you.

Brad · #**109** 11-10-2008, 02:27 AM

Brian,

I am a little late reading this thread and catching myself up on what you have been going through the last couple of weeks. We have never really spoken to each other on the board, but I have read your posts for what? 10 years or so now (I started on here when The Dance was coming out), and I really appreciate your contributions to the Ledge.

That said, you have my deepest sympathy for the pain you are going through. I remember reading back when your mom first passed and thinking what a strong person you were then. This newest loss of your beloved Debbie and your reaction to it only reaffirms for me the great character you have. Please know that you will be in my thoughts for some time. I have been so lucky thus far in life to not have had to face the pain of losing a close family member or loved one; I cannot imagine how you must feel.

I wish you only the best and hope that in time you will begin to heal. I'm sure some of the pain and sorrow will follow you through the rest of your life, but I am also sure that a man of your strong character will learn how to live with it the best way you can. I worry when I hear things like this what such despair can drive a person to do, and I am so happy to hear that you are coping in a healthy way and not contemplating a more destructive track.

Again, I am thinking of you and hope you find comfort in time.

Best regards,

Brad

estranged4life · #**110** 11-10-2008, 10:18 PM

^^^ Thanks...

I'm still trying to figure out what to do now, I never thought I would be dealt with the outcome I received, but that is beyond my say and I have to deal with what has been dealt to me.

I keep doubting myself, that is what I suffer now - I try to envision what Debbie would say to me and that gives me some comfort, but it saddens me because the reality is that she isnt here...

Today, I received a check from the insurance company for the car. The check I received was for the difference that was due to me since the car was worth more (Via Blue Book value) than what was owed to the financier - $53.73...Great, my loss is worth only $53.73. Well, at least I did not have to pay ANYTHING for a car that is TOTAL SCRAP (And the $500 deductible was subtracted from the total value of the car - so I did save $500 via that manner)

I was informed that the car was still 'located' at the wrecker services 'impound/storage lot' via a letter from the state of Oklahoma and DOT (Dept. of Transportation), which of course, shows how SLOW this process is going - The car was 'transferred' to my insurance company the day of the funeral. I had resolved the car insurance issue before I have received the 'accident report' (Which is the ONLY hold-up with the rest of the financial issues - funeral policy and life insurance, which are under one comprehensive policy)

As for me, I still cry more than laugh...Cannot even focus on music even as I TRY hard to move forward...

But I am trying.

estranged4life · #**111** 11-13-2008, 09:13 AM

My 'notorious' temper is starting to come back, which is not a good thing for the world at hand...The bank Debbie & I have been a member of since 1999 KEEPS putting a 'block' on ANY deposit made, and now they are starting to PISS ME OFF! Worse thing to do folks, worse thing to do is keep poking me with a stick to see if I will react...

Today (In about 15 minutes), the bank is going to have to contend with me face-to-face...and they will finally learn why I am known not to EVER smile.

Update: I had the issue resolved without having to CHEW someone's ass off...

Update #2: Had a Dr's appt. this morning and found out my BP (blood pressure) is at a 'critical level' - due to stress..."NAW, ya think?" Jeez, I feel like an elephant has been sitting on my chest for the past week.

estranged4life · #**112** 11-20-2008, 04:47 PM

Doing much better now, taken care of almost all the financial issues and I am just awaiting for the accident report to file the life insurance/funeral policy (The accident report was supposed to have arrived on Tuesday via 'certified mail' at the funeral home, but here it is Thursday and no mail...Typical of offices for the state of Oklahoma)

I am SLOWLY going forward with this life...Not alot of fun, but at the same time (Stress & guilt issues aside) I am doing very well and better than most who had to endure the exact same thing I am going through. Just trying to get 'back on the horse called Life' after being bucked off once more, and though I may be dirty and sore I will get back upon that pony and ride, bolley ride all the way to El Dorado.

"You Rise
You Fall
You're down, then you rise again
What don't kill ya make ya more strong"

BTFLCHLD · #**113** 11-20-2008, 04:51 PM

(((((brian)))))

eclipse · #**114** 11-20-2008, 06:00 PM

My heart just breaks when I ead the story of you and Debbie n\and the herartache you have endured.... Be strong Brian-
she would be for you... and is proud of you-wherever and however she may be....
she is still a part a light, a spirit in your life and from your acconts of your love, it will be a very long timr before she leaves.

Death affects each person differently, from how you handle it to how you acept it and finally how you embrace it-----I know your anger and heartache make this sound unreasonable, but someday , somewhere, when you lease expect it....
You will realize Debbie is gone.and you will have a smile on your face not a tear...

And then the hard part begins....write, if you like-iIyou would like I would love to talk with you about this path we all take, some just devient from what we expect, but we all end up alone, wih our memories to help us accept that we are gone...
I think that now-You are undestanding and living this reality...And I am truly sorry that you have had to deal with this much sadness in your young life....
anna
aka ~~eclipse~~

golddustwoman77 · #**115** 11-21-2008, 03:30 PM

Brian,

I'm so sorry to hear about Debbie, and I'm so sorry I'm just now finding out about it. I have been off the Ledge for awhile dealing with my own sorrow. I just lost interest in many things that I loved. I'm slowly trying to regroup and get back into those things again, like getting back on the Ledge. If you ever need to talk or vent, send me a PM. You're in my thoughts. Hang in there!

estranged4life · #**116** 11-25-2008, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golddustwoman77

Brian,

I'm so sorry to hear about Debbie, and I'm so sorry I'm just now finding out about it. I have been off the Ledge for awhile dealing with my own sorrow. I just lost interest in many things that I loved. I'm slowly trying to regroup and get back into those things again, like getting back on the Ledge. If you ever need to talk or vent, send me a PM. You're in my thoughts. Hang in there!

I finally have some piece of mind since the OFFICIAL accident arrived this morning, and it stated what I was already told by the Medical Examiner himself:

"...The Medical Examiner seen no other apparant (sic) injuries than the broken arm. It was determined by the Medical Examiner the driver died due to a medical condition prior to the collision...."

I can sleep well now that I have the official record of the accident in hand, even though I had been well informed of the infomation since the week of the accident. Had Debbie not passed prior to the collision she would be here with me this day with a cast on her right arm slapping me like a bitch in the head with it.

golddustwoman77 · #**117** 11-26-2008, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

I finally have some piece of mind since the OFFICIAL accident arrived this morning, and it stated what I was already told by the Medical Examiner himself:

"...The Medical Examiner seen no other apparant (sic) injuries than the broken arm. It was determined by the Medical Examiner the driver died due to a medical condition prior to the collision...."

I can sleep well now that I have the official record of the accident in hand, even though I had been well informed of the infomation since the week of the accident. Had Debbie not passed prior to the collision she would be here with me this day with a cast on her right arm slapping me like a bitch in the head with it.

I'm glad that this has brought you some piece of mind. In my case, time has helped heal me some. Hopefully, time will be as kind to you. Just remember my previous message. I'm here to listen if you need me.

estranged4life · #**118** 12-12-2008, 06:48 PM

Went out to the cemetary today, as I do almost everyday, and I was surprised to see that the base of the headstone I ordered has been anchored into the ground...and the thing is huge, about 4' long, 1' wide and 6"-8" tall. The headstone is going to bigger than I suspected it to be, which is cool, definitely worth the $2900.00 I am paying for it.

Going to purchase some poinsettas later this coming week and lay 'em out there at Debbie's grave...

I'm alright, seeing a grief couselor now and that is helping a bit.

GODDESS6 · #**119** 12-12-2008, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

Went out to the cemetary today, as I do almost everyday, and I was surprised to see that the base of the headstone I ordered has been anchored into the ground...and the thing is huge, about 4' long, 1' wide and 6"-8" tall. The headstone is going to bigger than I suspected it to be, which is cool, definitely worth the $2900.00 I am paying for it.

Going to purchase some poinsettas later this coming week and lay 'em out there at Debbie's grave...

I'm alright, seeing a grief couselor now and that is helping a bit.

glad to hear your doing better brian, you are always in my thoughts

~

DeeGeMe · #**120** 12-13-2008, 12:01 AM

Brian, I don't think we've ever chatted on the Ledge and I apologize for not seeing this sooner--but I was very sorry to learn of your loss. I lost someone very dear to me last year and it does get better with time but it's a long, slow haul. Hang in there. I promise it will get better one day. It will never be the same but it will be better than it is now. For the last year I've told myself this: one foot in front of the other. At times I've had no idea which direction I was going in, but I just kept moving. Big Ledgie hug to you and vent here as much as you'd like. That helps enormously too.