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  #1  
Old 10-30-2010, 03:50 PM
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I didnt ask before, since I wasnt sure if it was suitable to pose such questions here... but i figured Ledgies dont refrain from tackling some serious issues... and I'm curious to find out what you think.

I've been wondering... how much of one's struggles and problems can be traced back to childhood, particularly one's relationship with parents?

I've always struggled with self-esteem issues (and everything related to them: insecurity, difficulties with trust and confidence in relationships), and it sometimes haunts my thoughts, whether it's just the way I'm "programmed" or something more. My parents were by no means abusive, but neither were/are particularly emotional or supportive. On the other hand - many people I know have similarly "neutral" parents, and they "came out fine", or even self-confident.

Is/Was there anything problematic in your personality that you feel might have to do with they way your parents raised you up?
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Old 10-30-2010, 04:01 PM
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My mom used to be a huge push over and you could get her to do anything, so me and my siblings would give her a hard time. Then she got a man and got kind of strict, but anyway. Because I used to get whatever i wanted, in the real world I would get very upset when I didn't get what i wanted. Eventually I grew up and realized you have to work hard in order to get what you want. Once in a while I still get upset when I don't get what I want and I blame it on my Mom, but it's rare now, I'm more down to earth now
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Old 10-30-2010, 07:36 PM
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I definitely didn't have the best parental relationship. My mom is the type who (to this day) thinks she has to be right about everything. She rarely looks at anyone else's side.
My dad was (is) an alcoholic and he and my mom fought constantly. My dad was mostly a user. He'd only spend time with me if it was a cover for something else that he really wanted to do. That way, it would look as if he spent the day doing something worthwhile.
My mom was a very angry person after they divorced because my father took almost no responsibility for raising us and rarely paid child support. She took most of that anger out on me, to the point of being physically and mentally abusive. I was so happy to leave home!
I don't have the best self esteem in the world. It isn't all the fault of my parents, but they certainly didn't help. I live hundreds of miles away from my parents now. I haven't seen my father in at least 5 years. I see my mom a couple of times a year.
Seeing how they treated each other and their children and seeing their actions taught me what Not to do in my marriage and how Not to treat my son. I am so glad that I learned from their mistakes.
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:36 PM
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Is/Was there anything problematic in your personality that you feel might have to do with they way your parents raised you up?
Yes, I think it often comes back to that, completely. You just do the best you can with however it all went, I guess.

Last edited by Nikolaj; 10-31-2010 at 10:51 AM..
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:41 PM
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I have my own problems but none of them could be attributed to my parents. I was depressed for years because nobody wanted a relationship with a handicapped boy. Again though not my parents fault. They're wonderful. Obviously I don't tell them everything. They know nothing of my 8 year depression, but again all my choice. All the problems I had.......It was all me. Love my parents.

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  #6  
Old 10-31-2010, 02:55 AM
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I think it's pretty safe to say most everyone has traumatic events from their childhood that cause them to act differently as adults. I know for the first half of my childhood things were pretty crazy. My parents went through a violent divorce when I was between the ages of 3 & 4; and my Mother, Father, & Stepfather were all drug addicts/alcoholics. My Mom and Stepdad finally got their act together when I was 10; but my Father's addiction claimed him when I was 13 (he was murdered by a drug dealer). Interestingly enough, I rebelled from all the insanity by being a model child: I made good grades, never got into trouble, was respectful to elders, I didn't have my first drink until I was 22, I never took up smoking, have kept away from drugs, was the first in my extended family to graduate from college, etc.

I think the only real downside per se from my parents insanity when I was a kid is that I can be quite emotionally distant. Especially when things get unpleasant, I seem to just totally shut down my emotions and go into "safe mode." For instance, I've yet to cry when someone I know dies, I tend to cut people out of my life who are a constant source of drama, I don't rely on others for emotional support, stuff like that. Apparently all of this is quite common in children of addicts; it's a defense mechanism. Because of all of this my Mother has often accused me of being cold and uncaring.

For instance, my younger brother is a violent addict who can be quite sweet and charming during his brief dry-out spells. Because of years of complete insanity from my brother, I keep him at a very far distance in my life. This absolutely infuriates my Mother, because she thinks I should be there trying to help him straighten out his life, and should be more supportive and involved during his clean spells. But I just can't have my Brother in my life; he's a human tornado who just rips everyone to pieces who is nearby. I won't enable him by cleaning up his messes, I won't allow him to treat me poorly, and I won't pretend to forget the things he's done to my parents and I. My brother is emotionally dead to me, and I've even found myself praying for his death just so he'll stop hurting the world.

Anyway, life is what you make of it, though. I've chosen to take all the bad things that have happened to me and tried to glean life lessons from them. I think creating positive from negative is one of the most beautiful things you can do in life. For instance, I just don't know how much I'd be able to appreciate beauty and kindness and it's depth without having experienced some of the unsavory things I have. Since my brother likes to steal and leach from so many, I try to volunteer and give back to worthy causes. I see so many hateful, rude, unkind people in the world... so I make it a point to smile at strangers and say hello. The world is what we make of it... so why not make it happy and beautiful?
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Old 10-31-2010, 07:51 AM
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My issues of being an inscure mess I doubt had anything to do with my parents, but I do feel that came from my mom (and just about every other woman in my family), who all worry too much, but that's what you get from Jewish motherhood lol. The only negative trait I can think of that I got from my upbringing is being self-centered at times, but that probably came from being a spoiled only child.
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Old 10-31-2010, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by louielouie2000 View Post
I think it's pretty safe to say most everyone has traumatic events from their childhood that cause them to act differently as adults. I know for the first half of my childhood things were pretty crazy. My parents went through a violent divorce when I was between the ages of 3 & 4; and my Mother, Father, & Stepfather were all drug addicts/alcoholics. My Mom and Stepdad finally got their act together when I was 10; but my Father's addiction claimed him when I was 13 (he was murdered by a drug dealer). Interestingly enough, I rebelled from all the insanity by being a model child: I made good grades, never got into trouble, was respectful to elders, I didn't have my first drink until I was 22, I never took up smoking, have kept away from drugs, was the first in my extended family to graduate from college, etc.

I think the only real downside per se from my parents insanity when I was a kid is that I can be quite emotionally distant. Especially when things get unpleasant, I seem to just totally shut down my emotions and go into "safe mode." For instance, I've yet to cry when someone I know dies, I tend to cut people out of my life who are a constant source of drama, I don't rely on others for emotional support, stuff like that. Apparently all of this is quite common in children of addicts; it's a defense mechanism. Because of all of this my Mother has often accused me of being cold and uncaring.

For instance, my younger brother is a violent addict who can be quite sweet and charming during his brief dry-out spells. Because of years of complete insanity from my brother, I keep him at a very far distance in my life. This absolutely infuriates my Mother, because she thinks I should be there trying to help him straighten out his life, and should be more supportive and involved during his clean spells. But I just can't have my Brother in my life; he's a human tornado who just rips everyone to pieces who is nearby. I won't enable him by cleaning up his messes, I won't allow him to treat me poorly, and I won't pretend to forget the things he's done to my parents and I. My brother is emotionally dead to me, and I've even found myself praying for his death just so he'll stop hurting the world.

Anyway, life is what you make of it, though. I've chosen to take all the bad things that have happened to me and tried to glean life lessons from them. I think creating positive from negative is one of the most beautiful things you can do in life. For instance, I just don't know how much I'd be able to appreciate beauty and kindness and it's depth without having experienced some of the unsavory things I have. Since my brother likes to steal and leach from so many, I try to volunteer and give back to worthy causes. I see so many hateful, rude, unkind people in the world... so I make it a point to smile at strangers and say hello. The world is what we make of it... so why not make it happy and beautiful?
I never knew any of this, Louie. I'm glad I do now.

This is in interesting question for me because I'm in the process of walking way from "childhood" and into adulthood. I have no idea what I'll be like in 10 or 20 years but I already know that I've been emotionally unattached to my parents for years now and yet they've still affected me DRAMATICALLY.

My mom modeled in everything from Playboy to Versace ads. I had a LOT of pressure growing up to model, too, so I did. I modeled from birth (I was a Gerber baby) until I was 13, modeling as an adult for makeup and fashion designers. I had been fighting the urge to pick up an eating disorder since I was around 9 and my mom didn't help-- she put me in ballet classes which obviously made it much worse, and she'd make her own comments about how I wasn't "runway worthy." So I told her to STFU when I was thirteen and I quit. I was pretty much anorexic for a while and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. So I stopped ballet and modeling and told my parents to use my modeling money for horseback riding lessons However, this mentality is FAR from gone for me.... I'm completely paranoid about what I look like at all times. I never leave my room without wearing cute clothes and having my hair and makeup done, I need male reassurance to feel half-decent about myself.... and I feel like these things come from the pressure I had growing up to be an archetype.

Also, my mom is bipolar and, as her psychologist once said (she refuses to see a psychiatrist after the bipolar diagnosis), she as "schizophrenic tendencies." My dad's an alcoholic. This combination lead to some not-so-fun childhood memories, so I lived somewhere else for a year until they kinda figured their **** out. I'm really independent because I had to be. I have a love/hate relationship with alcohol and any other type of drug. I desperately want to trust people but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm petrified of being a parent. For me, I think it all ties back to my parents.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by bluefox4000 View Post
I have my own problems but none of them could be attributed to my parents. I was depressed for years because nobody wanted a relationship with a handicapped boy. Again though not my parents fault. They're wonderful. Obviously I don't tell them everything. They know nothing of my 8 year depression, but again all my choice. All the problems I had.......It was all me. Love my parents.

Mick
Were you living with them or around them during those 8 years? I can't imagine they didn't notice. I have been working with individuals with medical concerns and many parents are so concerned about meeting their childs medical needs that they do not consider their mental health needs.

I have no medical concerns but my parents say they never noticed my depression. I just can't imagine how they could not have...I was skinny as a rail and looked a hot mess. Of course they noticed when I got into trouble but that happened when I was technically a grown up. I didn't blame my parents at first and I don't blame them now but there was a period of time I was really pissed that they didn't assume some responsibility for what happened to me. After all, they "raised" me.

Ya see, a lot of really bad things happened when I was about 12. That was also the time when I started having changes in my body and what not. I felt like it was so obvious that I was screwed up. So fast forward about 8 years and there I am with handcuffs on. I'm just thinking I'm a cute little hippie girl who likes to smoke, and drink, and do a few other things. My family just went on and on about how they couldn't believe I made such poor choices and that I should have known better. How was I supposed to know better when I didn't have any role models?

I had to learn the hard way but I feel like getting in trouble was some sort of divine intervention. There had to be some greater good out of getting arrested and losing one of my great loves to drugs.

What I learned after 10 years of therapy and a psychology degree (ha ha- wow, that makes it sound like I was really screwed up- maybe I'm still in denial) is that at some point you have to work through the past and live in the present and be all you can be. Based on my story and what others like Louie said it can go either way. People can say "oh I'm sure as heck not going to be like that" and actually keep history from repeating itself or they can be someone like me who only thought I wasn't going to have to go down the path I went.

Anywhos, to make a long story a littler less longer than it already is I'll just say that after all that I got it together. I'm making lemonade out of lemons. And it's good.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:44 AM
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Were you living with them or around them during those 8 years? I can't imagine they didn't notice. I have been working with individuals with medical concerns and many parents are so concerned about meeting their childs medical needs that they do not consider their mental health needs. .
I was living with them. You see, I'm a really really REALLY good actor. in hindsight I should have gotten help. But i could not even think straight at that time. In public I was happy Mick. no one knew. In private I would stare at my wall. just miserable That's done though. I'm happy now. My wife helped. She was the only one I ever told.

Mick
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:49 AM
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I was living with them. You see, I'm a really really REALLY good actor. in hindsight I should have gotten help. But i could not even think straight at that time. In public I was happy Mick. no one knew. In private I would stare at my wall. just miserable That's done though. I'm happy now. My wife helped. She was the only one I ever told.

Mick
Your wife must be a really special lady. Sometimes all it takes is a single connection with another person to make such a difference. Sounds like you found that connection. I'm glad you are happy now! I was lucky to have a special person in my life also. I often felt that she was the only person who truly believed in me. Not everyone has someone special. We are lucky peoples.
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Old 11-01-2010, 11:06 AM
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She is. She saved my life.

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Old 11-01-2010, 11:50 AM
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I never knew any of this, Louie. I'm glad I do now.

This is in interesting question for me because I'm in the process of walking way from "childhood" and into adulthood. I have no idea what I'll be like in 10 or 20 years but I already know that I've been emotionally unattached to my parents for years now and yet they've still affected me DRAMATICALLY.

My mom modeled in everything from Playboy to Versace ads. I had a LOT of pressure growing up to model, too, so I did. I modeled from birth (I was a Gerber baby) until I was 13, modeling as an adult for makeup and fashion designers. I had been fighting the urge to pick up an eating disorder since I was around 9 and my mom didn't help-- she put me in ballet classes which obviously made it much worse, and she'd make her own comments about how I wasn't "runway worthy." So I told her to STFU when I was thirteen and I quit. I was pretty much anorexic for a while and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. So I stopped ballet and modeling and told my parents to use my modeling money for horseback riding lessons However, this mentality is FAR from gone for me.... I'm completely paranoid about what I look like at all times. I never leave my room without wearing cute clothes and having my hair and makeup done, I need male reassurance to feel half-decent about myself.... and I feel like these things come from the pressure I had growing up to be an archetype.

Also, my mom is bipolar and, as her psychologist once said (she refuses to see a psychiatrist after the bipolar diagnosis), she as "schizophrenic tendencies." My dad's an alcoholic. This combination lead to some not-so-fun childhood memories, so I lived somewhere else for a year until they kinda figured their **** out. I'm really independent because I had to be. I have a love/hate relationship with alcohol and any other type of drug. I desperately want to trust people but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm petrified of being a parent. For me, I think it all ties back to my parents.
The fact that you are able to identify your feelings and have such insight into your parents and your past is going to help you more than you know. I can't tell you how many people I talk/work with who lack this ability. It doesn't mean that things are going to be easy though. I don't know you except from your posts but I am always touched by your ability to articulate your feelings. You seem to be a wise ol' owl...an old soul.

I hope you work through being petrified of being a parent...especially if you want to be one. I should have been petrified and still to this day don't know why I'm not. I screwed up A LOT but the one thing I feel that I'm doing right is raising my children. I didn't know how to be a mother but I learned and continue to learn.

One thing that has really been a struggle for me is a direct result of my mothers actions. Ya see, my mom always chose a man over her children. The woman has been married 10 times. She left me and my sister with our dads and moved far away and didn't see us for years. She started a new life and had new babies. She did this several times. She loves being in love or lust or whatever. How has that screwed me up? Well, I'm scared to death to fall for someone and possibly lose focus on my children and repeat history. That's why I'm single. That's also why I'm still in therapy. That's also why I'm working on a degree in counseling! Will my children need therapy? Yeah probably but guess what? They will have their very own live in therapist! ME! And I will drive them crazzzzyyy!
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Old 11-01-2010, 01:50 PM
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Your wife must be a really special lady. Sometimes all it takes is a single connection with another person to make such a difference. Sounds like you found that connection. I'm glad you are happy now! I was lucky to have a special person in my life also. I often felt that she was the only person who truly believed in me. Not everyone has someone special. We are lucky peoples.
I couldn't agree more. A teacher has done this for me.
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Old 11-01-2010, 01:56 PM
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The fact that you are able to identify your feelings and have such insight into your parents and your past is going to help you more than you know. I can't tell you how many people I talk/work with who lack this ability. It doesn't mean that things are going to be easy though. I don't know you except from your posts but I am always touched by your ability to articulate your feelings. You seem to be a wise ol' owl...an old soul.
Thank you for saying this; it means a lot to me. I feel like I grew up really quickly and that's why I'm more mature... but it has it's negatives, too. I'm glad I come off that way to you.



Quote:
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I hope you work through being petrified of being a parent...especially if you want to be one. I should have been petrified and still to this day don't know why I'm not. I screwed up A LOT but the one thing I feel that I'm doing right is raising my children. I didn't know how to be a mother but I learned and continue to learn.

One thing that has really been a struggle for me is a direct result of my mothers actions. Ya see, my mom always chose a man over her children. The woman has been married 10 times. She left me and my sister with our dads and moved far away and didn't see us for years. She started a new life and had new babies. She did this several times. She loves being in love or lust or whatever. How has that screwed me up? Well, I'm scared to death to fall for someone and possibly lose focus on my children and repeat history. That's why I'm single. That's also why I'm still in therapy. That's also why I'm working on a degree in counseling! Will my children need therapy? Yeah probably but guess what? They will have their very own live in therapist! ME! And I will drive them crazzzzyyy!
This reminds me of something that I feel needs to be addressed in this thread-- parents can also influenced who we are not. If you grow up hating a certain characteristic or tendency of one of your parents, that awareness will probably translate to how you act; you'll avoid adapting that quality like it's a plague. I think that your awareness of what men did to your mother will keep you from changing your own priorities. It seems like a healthy fear to have to me.
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