Well....It Appears as Though My Parents Are Getting A Divorce~

Musicman408 · #1 06-13-2008, 11:03 PM

There is not a whole lot to say about this one. Things had been getting worse for years, but they never saw anyone about it, much to my encouragement. Man, I was persistant with that, but it never worked......

Now, it seems as though they are at it all the time. It has never been physical or anything, but my mom always tries to point out my dad's flaws. And in the past few years, it's almost like my ralationship with them has suffered. Especially with my mom, we are always arguing it seems.

I just don't know what to think. I just talked with my mom about it, and it's late, so there are probably a bunch of things that I want to say that I am forgetting. I guess that's why they put an editing feature on here...... But i don't know what to do. Things used to be so good. We were the perfect family. And to hear my mom say how she doesn't love my dad like that anymore, is kind of hard.......

This may not be a great thing to be posting on here, but I just had to let it out, and I hope you all understand......

Much Love,
Ethan

Tango · #2 06-14-2008, 07:57 AM

Wow, Ethan, if you add up all the things going on in your family--the loss of your dog, your parents issues, you graduating and going off to college, you recently had surgery . . . you're whole family is really stressed. Take this test Ethan:

http://www.stresstips.com/social_rea...ting_scale.htm

See what I mean. I hope things settle down, but it sounds like everyone could benefit from some counseling. Even you.

petep9000 · #3 06-14-2008, 08:17 AM

I can't speak to every child of divorce, as every situation is different. In my case, my father left my mother at age 6 and she finally divorced him when I was 8 and I saw him but rarely. The lingering emptyness, that feeling that something was 'missing' and that I was 'different' from other kids because I had no father...never left me. We're talking lingering scars even 30 years later, but I'm working through it in therapy.
But again, every situation is different. My father was a raging alcoholic, gambler, cheat and used to beat my mother and us kids. When they divorced, my mother basically declared him dead and we never saw him and really, he made no effort either. Better for him to be out of our life, but kids sometimes don't understand that, especially when there is a 'father son' cub scout event that my mother suggests that maybe my uncle or one of my next-door neighbors could come with me too. It's little things like that, that made me feel so different.

Good luck, is what I'm saying.

David · #4 06-14-2008, 11:35 AM

As Stevie used to say, personal "tragedy" makes for great art.

LINDSEY#1FAN · #5 06-14-2008, 09:49 PM

Well, my kids were pretty young when I got divorced, their father just plain out, didn't know how to be one. He took off numorous amount of times before I got sick of it. My youngest was 18 months old. This guy didn't give a **** about his 2 kids, my daughter at 18 months nor my son at 7 years old. They are now 21 and 15 and just got talking to him again last year. He NEVER made an attempt to even contact them throughout the years. My son is the one who found him last year. pretty sad.

Ethan, don't ake anything to heart, it's NOT your fault. Sometimes people do grow apart.

I would , however, talk to your Mom about how you feel, just have a heart to heart with her, not about her relationship with your Dad, but how YOU feel about everything - believe me, she will want to know how you feel, at least I did with my kids. It may help you get through all of this when you let things get out into the open with your Mom.

Good luck with this !

Julie

Musicman408 · #6 06-16-2008, 09:32 PM

Thanks you all, I appreciate the support. It is just frustrating the way they went about telling me about it.....Or....their lack of telling me, yet my mom told my younger sister....... odd......

LINDSEY#1FAN · #7 06-17-2008, 08:14 AM

Your Mom may not have told you right away, because maybe, it would be harder on you than your siblings???? idk, just a thought

Sahara · #8 06-22-2008, 05:12 PM

I'll be thinking of you buddy

Mad4stevie · #9 06-23-2008, 11:06 AM

Ethan:

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Even though I have never gotten a divorce and my parents are still married, I practiced family law exclusively for 6 years and I saw so much crap that it is amazing I still believe in marriage.

A few thoughts:

No matter whether someone is 18 months old or 18 years old, it will affect you. It is important for your sake that you allow yourself to FEEL the range of emotions that you have so you can process them and come out the other side. The worst thing is to deny it is happening or refuse to acknowledge how crappy you feel (the "I am fine" syndrome). There are no winners in these cases. Everyone loses. Mom won't understand your feelings because she has her own feelings that are different than your feelings. The same with dad. All you can do is take care of you. Really.

I saw people who used the kids to destroy each other and I had to participate in that as a part of my job. Now, what I can say is that most of the time I stayed involved BECAUSE of the kids; someone there had to look out for them. Sometimes, I handled these cases, even though the client/parent couldn't pay me, just because someone needed to try to intervene for the kids sake. By 2005, I needed to step away from the mess of practicing family law and have transitioned into teaching law now, which is a completely fullfilling job.

The way that I got through dealing with these situations, as difficult as they were, was to keep in mind that it is never good for parents to stay together if the relationship is really dysfunctional. It hurts everyone involved, especially the kids, to see the fighting and nastiness and hatred between two parents. The situation is emotionally toxic and can affect the ability of kids to find emotinally healthy relationships of their own. When all they see as a role model are people fighting and being verbally/emotionally abusive to each other, they will feel a strange sort of "normalness" with relationships like that, and will seek out that "normalness" in their own adult relationships.

Sorry for all the psychological "advice"; I don't mean to make it sound easy or smooth. I am just trying to give some rationality to the situation, if that is even possible.

You will be in my thoughts.

SuzeQuze · #10 06-23-2008, 12:51 PM

My parents divorced when I was 27 and it was still very painful for me. Heather is right, definitely be sure to feel your feelings and take care of you. Practice phrases like, "That's between you and Dad." and "That's between you and Mom." Don't get pulled into their ****. It can be difficult to do it at times but you have to stand firm because it really has nothing to do with you. You have been through so much and I hope this is it and that things calm down for you. I'd also encourage you get some counseling, just talking makes people feel a lot better.