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  #1  
Old 01-08-2004, 07:55 AM
Gypsy-Rhiannon's Avatar
Gypsy-Rhiannon Gypsy-Rhiannon is offline
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Default Survival: Taking a dump at work

From another board... hehehe



CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast
around the office so the smell is not in your area and
everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip
out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount
of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink,
to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized
with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who
poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their
arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere
in the building where you can least expect visitors.
Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that
you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.
This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new
entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.
This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.
This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create
a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates
a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. Could spend extended lengths of
time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty.
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  #2  
Old 01-08-2004, 12:28 PM
joe
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Default Re: Survival: Taking a dump at work

Quote:
Originally posted by Gypsy-Rhiannon
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. Could spend extended lengths of
time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty.
i had a paper copy of this years ago....it's hysterical

the UNCLE TED is the one i always have problems with....it's like, get the hell out of here! you don't even hear anything going on at the sink but you know they're there.
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Old 01-08-2004, 03:10 PM
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ryan8472 ryan8472 is offline
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Default LMAO!





That really cracked me up! It made my day!

Besides the fact that I don't like public bathrooms, these kinds of things annoy me all the time! The "Turd Burgler" one is the worst! It's so embarassing when people almost (or do! ) walk in on you!
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Old 01-08-2004, 06:01 PM
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paleshadow paleshadow is offline
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Default LOL!


Thanks for posting that! It was just what I needed!!!
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  #5  
Old 01-08-2004, 07:35 PM
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golden braid golden braid is offline
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Default LMAO!



All of those are all the reasons why I don't take a dump in public unless I really, really have to.
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  #6  
Old 01-09-2004, 12:32 AM
DrummerDeanna DrummerDeanna is offline
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Default



OMG..that was hilarious!!! I also despise public restrooms because of the lack of privacy...and I've never like the like 5inch cracks between the door etc lol....

But...at my work we've got the ultimate Uncle Ted...this chick naps everyday in the bathroom..on a little sofa thing, the nap comes after she spends time in front of the mirror, then sits down to eat her snack..then she naps...I can't stand her....
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