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  #76  
Old 04-10-2010, 08:51 AM
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Musicman408 Musicman408 is offline
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I'll tell you what guys- this morning I was going through my computer, trying to figure out which saved file of my novel was the most recent, and I think I've determined that I stopped on a round page 250. I haven't written on it in over a year I think, but I was realizing that I would really like to start working on it again, since I've started working toward the climax at this point. Writing is such tedious work, but I think I'm up for it again!! Here's to hoping!!

Maybe once I finish, it'll get published and make it big!
That would be a dream and a half.

Good luck to all!
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  #77  
Old 04-10-2010, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Musicman408 View Post
I'll tell you what guys- this morning I was going through my computer, trying to figure out which saved file of my novel was the most recent, and I think I've determined that I stopped on a round page 250. I haven't written on it in over a year I think, but I was realizing that I would really like to start working on it again, since I've started working toward the climax at this point. Writing is such tedious work, but I think I'm up for it again!! Here's to hoping!!

Maybe once I finish, it'll get published and make it big!
That would be a dream and a half.

And once you do make it big, all the Ledgie's who treat you like garbage will be licking the bottom of your shoes. And, you'll get to meet Stevie.
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  #78  
Old 04-13-2010, 07:27 PM
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daniellaaarisen daniellaaarisen is offline
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Originally Posted by BrokenHearted View Post
I didn't wanna let this thread die... I love reading everything you guys write, Stevie fans are so talented



Anyway, I wrote this about a boy I fell in love with, but it's also largely about my cocaine addiction
I really dig the double meaning..... and I can relate which makes me like it even more. It was cool to read with that in mind.
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  #79  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:00 PM
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Musicman408 Musicman408 is offline
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Here's The Last Lyric I wrote:

Rose
Written: 3/18/10

Lay it on the line,
as you go cross the borders.
Torn edges surround your world now.
For you can gain yourself,
while walking with him.

The two of you together- the world of friends.
Now you come besides another- closer than you've been.
If so, he's leaving herself what could have been a future.
So now you ride away.

Chorus:
You simply stand and everything comes running.
Of everything you get, there is no more shunning.
Now the grace sky rains down.
But she's someone that always know,
the taint of her name, Rose.

Months and ages, the distance put pause.
Look, you're together- not giving a cause.
You left behind what was more than something.
In a year, you'll end up with nothing.

Chorus

Bridge: When you two arrive, will things change within?
Or will she go on- looking for her long lost men?
You can view through the screen.

Chorus



Looking back at this- I can't remember what I wrote this about. I really don't..... at all.... which is not usual!
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  #80  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:06 PM
jannieC jannieC is offline
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Originally Posted by Musicman408 View Post
Looking back at this- I can't remember what I wrote this about. I really don't..... at all.... which is not usual!
Well, HELLO, it was written almost a whole month ago!
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  #81  
Old 04-15-2010, 05:31 AM
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Furthermore
You were the shadow who greeted me.
You were the shadow to say goodbye
And so, I left you gift, by the sea.
But the sea swelled down, down.
And when the sea was no more, you left.

So as the tide comes back, I see you again.
But you are only a shadow still; you are a shadow of blue smoke.
“Please come back!” I asked, as you stood in the sand.
But you did not respond. You were only shadow

No power could bring you from the sea.
No power could save us.
This was it for now – you were stranded.
A dark shadow in the sand, no light.

I knew you were sad, but why?
Your tears only swelled the sea furthermore.

Furthermore, as the sea rose
Furthermore, as the waves crashed
Furthermore, as you drown

Stubborn shadow,
Stubborn lover,
Stubborn Sea,

Furthermore, as you go below the ocean
Furthermore, as you fall
Furthermore, as you leave.
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  #82  
Old 04-22-2010, 01:35 AM
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daniellaaarisen daniellaaarisen is offline
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PLEASE give me feedback on this. I'm sure you guys don't like every single word of this thing so if there's ANYTHING you would change, let me know. I literally just finished this five minutes ago so it hasn't gone through any editing phases.


Untitled


I want to howl—
to wake you from your half-masted sleep
and force your white flag up or down.

I want to peel away the sky
and find an unwritten metaphor
for everything I could never explain,
and then maybe re-carve all
the lines on my face so that
you could help chisel [or carve?] them away.

But I’m tinged red
from the numbers on the clock,
binding me to the sadness I never feel
from the look on your faces
when there’s nothing left to say.
I’m bound to the familiarity a child feels
while clinging to her new mother’s skin,
and to all of the sickening sweetness
that chains me to vacantly belonging.

I have never felt bound to you.

I want to howl to the moon and the earth
and the stars
and I want them all to howl back at me

because one idle moment and I’m
howling at the sea,
wishing it had worked
to keep us from the shore.

Last edited by daniellaaarisen; 04-22-2010 at 06:35 PM..
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  #83  
Old 04-22-2010, 03:04 AM
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jaycee jaycee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen View Post
PLEASE give me feedback on this. I'm sure you guys don't like every single word of this thing so if there's ANYTHING you would change, let me know. I literally just finished this five minutes ago so it hasn't gone through any editing phases.


Tick

I want to howl—
to wake you all from your half-masted sleep
and force your white flag up or down.

I want to peel away the sky
and find an unwritten metaphor
for everything I could never explain,
and then maybe carve out all
the lines on my face so that
you could help me carve them away.

But I’m tinged red
from the numbers on the clock,
binding me to the sadness I never feel
from the look on your face
when there’s nothing left to say.
I’m bound to the sweet familiarity of a child
clinging to her new mother’s skin.

But I’ve never been bound to you.

I want to howl to the moon and the earth
and the stars
and I want them all to howl back to me

because one idle moment and I’m
howling at that clock,
wishing our last moment
never ticked.
Ooh, goodie! Another piece from Dani!
Yeah, this is pretty awesome... However, I'm confused by the second paragraph - shouldn't that read as "...a written metaphor"? Otherwise you wouldn't find any explanations, right? The second part of that paragraph also seems contradictory - if you've already carved out the lines from your face, how can a second person then carve them away?
I'll admit that I've never been that good at interpreting poetry, so it may just be me. Nonetheless I love all of your poetry!
Btw, whatever happened to all the fighting over you? Did everyone else give up? If so, we're together now, I guess...
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  #84  
Old 04-22-2010, 06:36 PM
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daniellaaarisen daniellaaarisen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaycee View Post
Ooh, goodie! Another piece from Dani!
Yeah, this is pretty awesome... However, I'm confused by the second paragraph - shouldn't that read as "...a written metaphor"? Otherwise you wouldn't find any explanations, right? The second part of that paragraph also seems contradictory - if you've already carved out the lines from your face, how can a second person then carve them away?
I'll admit that I've never been that good at interpreting poetry, so it may just be me. Nonetheless I love all of your poetry!
Btw, whatever happened to all the fighting over you? Did everyone else give up? If so, we're together now, I guess...
I just posted an updated version of the poem... I did a lot of editing today. I think it addressed everything you mentioned but I'm not sure! I'll read over it again and see.

I guess the fighting did stop! But seriously... flattering...
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  #85  
Old 04-22-2010, 09:37 PM
Ghost_Tracker Ghost_Tracker is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen View Post
PLEASE give me feedback on this. I'm sure you guys don't like every single word of this thing so if there's ANYTHING you would change, let me know. I literally just finished this five minutes ago so it hasn't gone through any editing phases.


Untitled


I,
and then maybe re-carve all
the lines on my face so that
you could help chisel [or carve?] them away.

...wishing it had worked
to keep us from the shore.
I would get rid of, "[or carve?]", personally.

i.m.o.,

"re-carve all
the lines on my face so that
you could help chisel them away" is more "direct."
I feel that the other way just disrupts the chain of thought.

I also don't quite get the last line,
"wishing it had worked
to keep us from the shore."

I mean, I understand the meaning, but it just doesn't seem right to me. I think it needs to be a little more correct from an "English" point-of-view. Maybe something like,

"wishing it had worked -
I wish I could have kept us . . .
from the shore."

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  #86  
Old 04-22-2010, 11:11 PM
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daniellaaarisen daniellaaarisen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost_Tracker View Post
I would get rid of, "[or carve?]", personally.

i.m.o.,

"re-carve all
the lines on my face so that
you could help chisel them away" is more "direct."
I feel that the other way just disrupts the chain of thought.

I also don't quite get the last line,
"wishing it had worked
to keep us from the shore."

I mean, I understand the meaning, but it just doesn't seem right to me. I think it needs to be a little more correct from an "English" point-of-view. Maybe something like,

"wishing it had worked -
I wish I could have kept us . . .
from the shore."

Hahahahaha, I was debating whether or not I should use "carve" or "chisel." I wasn't sure.... I definitely didn't want the parenthesis in the poem.

Thank you for your opinions Tim! I was worried about the last line too.
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  #87  
Old 04-23-2010, 11:41 AM
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Meowi Meowi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meowi View Post
Furthermore
You were the shadow who greeted me.
You were the shadow to say goodbye
And so, I left you gift, by the sea.
But the sea swelled down, down.
And when the sea was no more, you left.

So as the tide comes back, I see you again.
But you are only a shadow still; you are a shadow of blue smoke.
“Please come back!” I asked, as you stood in the sand.
But you did not respond. You were only shadow

No power could bring you from the sea.
No power could save us.
This was it for now – you were stranded.
A dark shadow in the sand, no light.

I knew you were sad, but why?
Your tears only swelled the sea furthermore.

Furthermore, as the sea rose
Furthermore, as the waves crashed
Furthermore, as you drown

Stubborn shadow,
Stubborn lover,
Stubborn Sea,

Furthermore, as you go below the ocean
Furthermore, as you fall
Furthermore, as you leave.
Love to hear some feeback!
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  #88  
Old 04-23-2010, 10:20 PM
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jaycee jaycee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meowi View Post
Love to hear some feeback!
Sorry Meowi! I'm not sure how this one slipped past me!
This is an excellent poem! I'm not sure if I can really criticise it actually! I love the overall structure - having the long paragraphs at the start during the sad reminiscence, and the shorter, repetitive paragraphs at the end during the despairing resentment of having lost the loved one. It suits the changing mood perfectly!
(I'm not sure I conveyed what I meant to properly here - it's like I can't find the most suitable words for my ideas. I can't seem to improve what I said though... I hope it makes sense! )
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  #89  
Old 04-24-2010, 09:13 PM
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Musicman408 Musicman408 is offline
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On facebook, someone posted a video of a Robert Plant/ Krauss song, which I love (the whole album). That album has always been my rainy day album novel writing album, as when I was in the heat of my novel writing a couple of years ago, that CD would CONSTANTLY be on. Once I get done with school this year, and hopefully end up on some sort of family vacation, I'll have to pop that album in and start the juices again, as they got stirred by listening to that song! I'll keep you posted!
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  #90  
Old 04-24-2010, 11:41 PM
Ghost_Tracker Ghost_Tracker is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen View Post
PLEASE give me feedback on this. I'm sure you guys don't like every single word of this thing so if there's ANYTHING you would change, let me know. I literally just finished this five minutes ago so it hasn't gone through any editing phases.


Untitled


I want to howl—
.
Is it my imagination or is this a nod to you-know-what by you-know-who?

Quote:
Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen View Post
Hahahahaha, I was debating whether or not I should use "carve" or "chisel." I wasn't sure.... I definitely didn't want the parenthesis in the poem.

.
Oh. LOL!

I personally would pick "chisel." Takes longer - - - More excruciating - - - More uhm . . . thought involved, if 'ya see what I mean. Kind of a "dark" interpretation but . . . well, it implies that the one doing the "chiselling" is paying attention, in spades - 'ya see what I mean? But also - - - when one is "chiseling," one is creating a work or art - - - one which may or may not be appreciated. "Carving" is more wholesale, i.m.o. Doesn't take as much effort or attention.
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So if the ghosts are gone then doesn't that mean I'm kinda screwed??

Last edited by Ghost_Tracker; 04-24-2010 at 11:48 PM..
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