Please say a prayer for me... - Page 7

dcl1964 · #91 10-30-2008, 08:20 PM

I've blacked out June 24th (day my Mom died) and December 8th (day my Dad died) on all my calendars since they died. I've generally hid myself from the world on those days because even though my Mom died in 2001 and my Dad in 2005 it still hurts even now. The only piece of real advice I can give you is advice someone gave me when my Mom died. Don't try to be strong for anyone. If you feel like crying or getting angry DO IT. It's all right. Try to talk about her with friends and family about all the good times. See a grief counselor if you need one. Most important is to take care of yourself. Getting away for a day or two helps also.

Take Care

estranged4life · #92 11-03-2008, 08:41 PM

This afternoon, as I was making the drive over to Debbie's employer to take care of her financial situation, I was less the .5 mile from where the accident site (Even on the same South side of US 62 Eastbound) when a HALLIBURTON (Yes that HALLIBURTON) mud truck (Which was entering the intersection from a oil rig) pulled into my lane and then pulled into the other lane - HAD I been driving the speed limit of this stretch of highway (70 MPH) THAT semi-truck would have forced me into the median and into the West bound lanes traffic...

Oh such fun that scenario would've been...two spouses, killed in separate accidents within .5 mile of each other 2 weeks apart.

I received the death certificate today, and as the M.E. stated her death was due to "Traumatic Aphixiation".

estranged4life · #93 11-05-2008, 02:25 PM

Today, I had to make a trip to take care of some more of Debbie's financial issues, and as i was driving outside of town on highway 58 I passed by an accident that had just occurred. A newer GMC pickup must have swerved to have avoided something in the highway, since there were obvious tire marks from where the brakes were applied...That pickup left the shoulder and rolled a couple of times on its side.

As I was waived to pass through the scene by law enforcement, I saw someone who was apparently in the truck, laying outside the truck on the ground - I didnt even make it another quarter mile before the tears started to fall...I cried for about the next 5 minutes and regathered my composure.

After I took care of the financial issue (No problem at all) I went to shop for extra pet supplies (I'm stocking up on cat food/litter/etc.) and as I was walking down the aisles of this store the music playing on the overhead P.A. was Christmas music - and again the tears started to fall, people gave me a "What's wrong?" look but I kept going because had I stopped and listened to anymore of that music I would have broken-down in that store...

Seems when I take one step forward I end up taking another step back...

gretchen · #94 11-05-2008, 05:01 PM

Brian I am so sorry you are hurting. ((Brian))

StandbackStevie · #95 11-05-2008, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

because last night I had to endure the worst feeling one can suffer through in their entire lives.

About a week ago my former wife Debbie and myself started talking about a reconciliation, and we started down that road over the weekend when I decided to move back home to be with her. All was happy and things were going great for us, we were happy as we once were years ago and life was to be great...

But last night at about 12am I heard a commotion outside the house (We lived on a "Dead End Street") but didnt think much of it. Theen I heard car door slam....Still thinking nothing of it. I decided to go check out the kitchen window to see who was making that noise outside.

I noticed a Carnegie PD patrol car and a OHP (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) outside and remembered what Debbie had told me just a few days earlier about how the Carnegie PD had someone stopped at the intersection just down the street. So I assumed that they had once again had someone stopped and decided "Eh, No big deal..." and I sat back down at the computer desk to finish a CDR I was working on...

When I heard a knock on the door, and not the type one wants to hear at this time of the night, especially when one had seen patrolmen outside their home. I jumped up to the door and said "Hold on a second" - so I could unlock the door and turn on the porch light.

I was asked by one patrolman to identify myself, Which I did, thinking to myself "Am I going to be arrested?". The officer then asked me if I knew a Debbie Johnson...And I knew exactly where this was going once the officers asked if they could come inside, they had news to tell me that they HATE delivering...

About 10:43pm last night Debbie was driving to work in my 2003 Pontiac Grand Prix when something happened to cause her to leave the road about 2 miles West of the town of Verden...The car rolled and she died at the scene

How could this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Why did some unknown force decide to flatten my soul EXACTLY to the day 31 years later after my Dad's death on October 22,1977? Why was she taken from me just as we were to re-new our lives? How am I supposed to go forward in this life when the person who knew me best has passed beyond my grasp? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I am at a loss for words...I am sitting in this house alone with only the memories to haunt me.

If you don't see me on the Ledge in the foreseeable future, you will know why. My soul has been damaged beyond repair.

My prayers are with you brian I wish you all the best to get thru this unimaginable thing to be going thru with a terrible loss of a loved one.

Prayers are with you Brian,
peace and love,
Steve

estranged4life · #96 11-05-2008, 05:47 PM

Okay...It's official, Debbie is laughing at me from 'the beyond'

I went out to her grave, as I have done almost daily since the funeral, just to 'chit-chat' to her how I am doing/etc.. Anyways, the wind has been blowing around 30MPH today and a few of the flowers on her final resting spot were blown off, so I decided to replace 'em back and make sure they were anchored to avoid the wind.

I mentioned out loud to her (I deal with death in a weird way - part sanity part insanity) "Once the headstone arrives and is placed I will place some of your nursing knick-knacks on the foot of the headstone and I'll fix 'em so the wind or thieves wont bother 'em. I know how much you liked scaring me whenever I had a clumsy accident..." and before I could finish the sentence, I went to remove one of the artificial flowers to keep WHEN I cut my DAMNED finger almost to the bone...(I didnt know those flowers were anchored with metal spikes), and no sooner than I cut myself the sun came out from behind the clouds to shine down on me, Debbie's way of saying "You are such a clumsy asshole and I am LOVING it and laughing too"

I laughed afterwards because I am SURE she is somewhere LAUGHING at my clumsiness

Even beyond this world:
Debbie 1
Brian 0

GODDESS6 · #97 11-05-2008, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

Okay...It's official, Debbie is laughing at me from 'the beyond'

I went out to her grave, as I have done almost daily since the funeral, just to 'chit-chat' to her how I am doing/etc.. Anyways, the wind has been blowing around 30MPH today and a few of the flowers on her final resting spot were blown off, so I decided to replace 'em back and make sure they were anchored to avoid the wind.

I mentioned out loud to her (I deal with death in a weird way - part sanity part insanity) "Once the headstone arrives and is placed I will place some of your nursing knick-knacks on the foot of the headstone and I'll fix 'em so the wind or thieves wont bother 'em. I know how much you liked scaring me whenever I had a clumsy accident..." and before I could finish the sentence, I went to remove one of the artificial flowers to keep WHEN I cut my DAMNED finger almost to the bone...(I didnt know those flowers were anchored with metal spikes), and no sooner than I cut myself the sun came out from behind the clouds to shine down on me, Debbie's way of saying "You are such a clumsy asshole and I am LOVING it and laughing too"

I laughed afterwards because I am SURE she is somewhere LAUGHING at my clumsiness

Even beyond this world:
Debbie 1
Brian 0

heartwarming story brian~ glad you shared~ you know my dad passed in 85 & i still talk to him, it just makes me feel better~

estranged4life · #98 11-05-2008, 07:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GODDESS6

heartwarming story brian~ glad you shared~ you know my dad passed in 85 & i still talk to him, it just makes me feel better~

but my finger hurts like hell

Forgot to mention that the first picture of Debbie I saw when I walked in the door after cutting my finger, is one I took of her laughing at me...

Debbie 2
Brian 0

sara1998 · #99 11-05-2008, 08:29 PM

Dear God, Brian.

I don't know if you remember that my husband committed suicide 5 and a half years ago. It was the day after his 34th birthday, May 29, 2003. I was 25 years old, and he left me with a 4 year old daughter. He hanged himself in our home. Thank God I didn't find him. I never had the courage to spend another night in that home. I was in utter shock. When the term numb was used to express emotion, or feelings, I never really knew what one meant until then. There was absolutely nothing. Void. I layed in bed for days and didn't eat for even longer. My mother and father had to take care of my daughter for me. I stayed with them because I couldn't even take care of myself. I was sad, mad, downright pissed, felt sorry for myself, felt sorry for my daughter. And this was all at once, and then it went in phases. I drank and did a lot of drugs for a long time. I entertained suicide myself, but realized that someone needed to raise my daughter. I held a closed casket funeral because of the trauma that occured to his neck and head, so I never ID'd or saw his dead body. That was a problem all in it's own. I had a hard time accepting his death was real because I never witnessed it. I would wait for him around midnight, for a few months, for him to come through the door of my parents home from work. Around 2 am every night I'd usually give up hope he was going to come in, apologize for leaving, and we'd be a happy family again. I just waited for him... I understand wanting answers, too. I wanted to know if his hanging suffocated him or if his fall was long and hard enough to break his neck. I wanted to know what happened to a persons head and neck after such trama. I wanted to know exactly what he was wearing. I wanted to know how much alcohol he'd consumed prior. ( Jason was an alcoholic. His BAC was .17 upon death) I wanted to know things about his past he refused to speak of, like his first wife and the child they had together. There was no contact and lots of hard feelings. I wanted answers and wanted them RIGHT THEN... The coroner was able to provide me with his autopsy report which helped a lot, but I only recieved them about a year and a half ago, along with his suicide note. I met his first wife and now have full legal guardianship of the child they had together. I bought the home I currently live in 3 months after his death, and made a place for us. My daughter and I. I no longer drink (ok, not to self medicate, but tequila's still pretty damn good) and I no longer use drugs. I still think of Jason daily. I swear I do. It will never go away. But it gets easier with time. While numbness and shock are still weighing on you, it's not a reality that eventually time will pass, and you may never be the same, but you will establish a new normal. Your soul will heal, but you're going to have a large scar from this. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to cry. It's okay to talk to her at her graveside. It's okay to demand answers. It's okay to seek help from professionals. (I found a support group of other widow's and widowers was best for me.) It's all normal, even thought nothing else is normal right now for you. I'm sorry I wrote you a book, Brian, and I'm sorry it took so damned long to respond... I'm not here much anymore. I'm truely sorry for your loss of Debbie, and I understand exactly how you feel.

If you would like to talk, send me a PM. I'll talk for however long you need to.

Take care, Brian. I swear, it will be better, but not anytime soon.
I swear.

estranged4life · #**100** 11-05-2008, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sara1998

Dear God, Brian.

I don't know if you remember that my husband committed suicide 5 and a half years ago. It was the day after his 34th birthday, May 29, 2003. I was 25 years old, and he left me with a 4 year old daughter. He hanged himself in our home. Thank God I didn't find him. I never had the courage to spend another night in that home. I was in utter shock. When the term numb was used to express emotion, or feelings, I never really knew what one meant until then. There was absolutely nothing. Void. I layed in bed for days and didn't eat for even longer. My mother and father had to take care of my daughter for me. I stayed with them because I couldn't even take care of myself. I was sad, mad, downright pissed, felt sorry for myself, felt sorry for my daughter. And this was all at once, and then it went in phases. I drank and did a lot of drugs for a long time. I entertained suicide myself, but realized that someone needed to raise my daughter. I held a closed casket funeral because of the trauma that occured to his neck and head, so I never ID'd or saw his dead body. That was a problem all in it's own. I had a hard time accepting his death was real because I never witnessed it. I would wait for him around midnight, for a few months, for him to come through the door of my parents home from work. Around 2 am every night I'd usually give up hope he was going to come in, apologize for leaving, and we'd be a happy family again. I just waited for him... I understand wanting answers, too. I wanted to know if his hanging suffocated him or if his fall was long and hard enough to break his neck. I wanted to know what happened to a persons head and neck after such trama. I wanted to know exactly what he was wearing. I wanted to know how much alcohol he'd consumed prior. ( Jason was an alcoholic. His BAC was .17 upon death) I wanted to know things about his past he refused to speak of, like his first wife and the child they had together. There was no contact and lots of hard feelings. I wanted answers and wanted them RIGHT THEN... The coroner was able to provide me with his autopsy report which helped a lot, but I only recieved them about a year and a half ago, along with his suicide note. I met his first wife and now have full legal guardianship of the child they had together. I bought the home I currently live in 3 months after his death, and made a place for us. My daughter and I. I no longer drink (ok, not to self medicate, but tequila's still pretty damn good) and I no longer use drugs. I still think of Jason daily. I swear I do. It will never go away. But it gets easier with time. While numbness and shock are still weighing on you, it's not a reality that eventually time will pass, and you may never be the same, but you will establish a new normal. Your soul will heal, but you're going to have a large scar from this. I'm sorry I wrote you a book, Brian, and I'm sorry it took so damn long to respond... I'm not here much anymore. I'm truely sorry for your loss of Debbie, and I understand exactly how you feel.

If you would like to talk, send me a PM. I'll talk for however long you need to.

Take care, Brian. I swear, it will be better, but not anytime soon.
I swear.

about your husband (I STUPIDLY had a signature picture that featured a Sesame Street character hanging and someone informed me that it upset you I felt embarrassed and small and removed it because I have respect for people who have suffered tragic losses in their life) and I can easily understand the pain you felt.

That night 2 weeks ago, went from one that was fulled with laughter (I recorded Deb's fave show that night, "Myth Busters" and the episode was about "The myth of BEER GOGGLES - and does getting drunk increase the appearrances of the opposite sex") to absolute HORROR in what seemed like a matter of minutes.

I clearly remember one of the two OHP troopers asking me up front "Do you have any weapons in your possession sir?", wasn't hard to figure out why - and I will admit, THAT REASON is why I DON'T own a gun (I told the troopers TRUTHFULLY "had I owned a gun, I would have killed myself out of an irrational thought that never would have been corrected once the trigger was pulled" - they wouldnt leave the residence until one of Deb's family members where here to watch over me)

I laugh every day, but today I was crying moreso, the Christmas music at the store and seeing someone injured laying beside a wrecked vehicle BROUGHT images in my head I cannot deal with. Those images are family members who left this life TOO EARLY, and I made DAMNED SURE that I wouldnt live the rest of my life with that image of Debbie's body lying in a casket (She saw how the reaction to seeing my Mom in March 2005 forever changed me) so she understood why I could not view her after she left this existence.

The memory I have of her is saying "See you in the morning" as she headed out the door for the final time. I could drink/drug myself into oblivion, but I know the problems will still be there when I sober up, So I REFUSE that path (I dont drink PERIOD because of the OTHER 4 deaths in my family during October due to someone's irresponsible behavior by driving while drunk)

I have the death certificate, and I knew before hand (from my talks with the M.E.) why her death was listed as "Traumatic Asphyxia" since there was NO OTHER INJURIES she suffered that could be determined - but I have been told repeatedly that she had either a stroke/heart attack/blood clot or diabetic episode that cause her death since she 'expired' before she left the road.

Last Thursday, I once again visited the scene of the accident to work it out in my mind - and I walked the distance the car drove off the road before the impact with the culvert - and I have to agree with the M.E., had she fell asleep that area of the road would have awaken her since it was rough and erroded. I saw for myself the tire marks across the grass and NO BRAKING as was discovered by the M.E. and OHP investigators.

The smell of transmission fluid was STILL strong in that area from the transmissions explosion (Upon impact with the culvert) that propelled the car.

I found personal papers with her name & SSN# but I gathered those, brought 'em home and shredded 'em earlier this evening. I gathered parts of the car (The largest being the headlight housing of one of the headlights - I located the rearview mirror which was fractured in a million bits) and moved them into a pile off the driveway where the culvert was as to not block the driveway of whoever owned that property.

The thing that will never heal this for me is the date, October 22. That date has some reasoning for the tragedies in my life, but I dont have any answers to as WHY that date is SO HAUNTING to me. Losing my Dad in 1977 in a car wreck and now in 2008 I lose Debbie (In a wreck, but the wreck did not cause her death).

I do take some solace that she didnt suffer...I couldnt live had I known her last moments on this earth were moments in agony and trying to survive. I couldnt live knowing that. I have peace of mind, although not much, knowing she passed instantly away from this cruel world (And yes I am crying as I type this) without having more pain in her life (This month would have been her 5th year of being cancer free and her 8th year of employment as a nurse at Grady Memorial Hospital).

For now, I remain alive because I want to stay alive...I have no thoughts of death, even when I am EASILY upsetted. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger is my mindset at this time.

Brian j.

jannieC · #**101** 11-05-2008, 09:06 PM

You're so awesome, Maria. I miss you. xoxo I'm sure these words will be comforting to Brian.

sara1998 · #**102** 11-05-2008, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jannieC

You're so awesome, Maria. I miss you. xoxo I'm sure these words will be comforting to Brian.

Thanks sweetie. I sure hope it helps.
I miss you too.

Livia · #**103** 11-07-2008, 04:40 PM

Brian, my apologies in not responding sooner - I just read through this entire thread with tears in my eyes. Like you, and gldstwmn, there is a significant date for me when I lost both my brother and my dad - two years apart, Oct. 11. I hate that day and am always supersticious that something will happen to me, or someone else I care about.

Take care, my friend.

**jbrownsjr** · #**104** 11-07-2008, 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

because last night I had to endure the worst feeling one can suffer through in their entire lives.

About a week ago my former wife Debbie and myself started talking about a reconciliation, and we started down that road over the weekend when I decided to move back home to be with her. All was happy and things were going great for us, we were happy as we once were years ago and life was to be great...

But last night at about 12am I heard a commotion outside the house (We lived on a "Dead End Street") but didnt think much of it. Theen I heard car door slam....Still thinking nothing of it. I decided to go check out the kitchen window to see who was making that noise outside.

I noticed a Carnegie PD patrol car and a OHP (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) outside and remembered what Debbie had told me just a few days earlier about how the Carnegie PD had someone stopped at the intersection just down the street. So I assumed that they had once again had someone stopped and decided "Eh, No big deal..." and I sat back down at the computer desk to finish a CDR I was working on...

When I heard a knock on the door, and not the type one wants to hear at this time of the night, especially when one had seen patrolmen outside their home. I jumped up to the door and said "Hold on a second" - so I could unlock the door and turn on the porch light.

I was asked by one patrolman to identify myself, Which I did, thinking to myself "Am I going to be arrested?". The officer then asked me if I knew a Debbie Johnson...And I knew exactly where this was going once the officers asked if they could come inside, they had news to tell me that they HATE delivering...

About 10:43pm last night Debbie was driving to work in my 2003 Pontiac Grand Prix when something happened to cause her to leave the road about 2 miles West of the town of Verden...The car rolled and she died at the scene

How could this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Why did some unknown force decide to flatten my soul EXACTLY to the day 31 years later after my Dad's death on October 22,1977? Why was she taken from me just as we were to re-new our lives? How am I supposed to go forward in this life when the person who knew me best has passed beyond my grasp? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I am at a loss for words...I am sitting in this house alone with only the memories to haunt me.

If you don't see me on the Ledge in the foreseeable future, you will know why. My soul has been damaged beyond repair.

OH MY GOD.... I don't know what to say except... I will pray for you for quite a long time... and I don't pray very often.... I will pray your soul to heal.... with love... John....

estranged4life · #**105** 11-07-2008, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Livia

Brian, my apologies in not responding sooner - I just read through this entire thread with tears in my eyes. Like you, and gldstwmn, there is a significant date for me when I lost both my brother and my dad - two years apart, Oct. 11. I hate that day and am always supersticious that something will happen to me, or someone else I care about.

Take care, my friend.

been paranoid between the dates Oct.18 and Oct.22 (Debbie knew I was suffering from that 'sense of dread' on Oct.20th, when we went shopping) - Now it will be worse, the 5th family member to die in an auto related accident (Deb's is the ONLY one not alcohol related or whose death DIDNT occurred because of the wreck) between those dates...

I hate October, but I love the Autumn season...But I am FRIGHTENED of the approaching holidays, it is going to be ROUGH.

I found our marriage license earlier today...put it in a safe place so I wont have to locate it again.

But, I was able to have a good laugh today because of a notice of an item that I will be receiving in the mail soon - The 'people in the community' has ordered me some type of 'inspirational volume entitled 'Lift Up Thine Eyes'' and why I appreciate the sentiment (I'm not the type to refuse something such as this item), I'm sure Debbie is laughing in the beyond that I will be receiving a religious item when neither of us were EVER considered religious (Though Debbie was a 'practicing witch' in the Wiccan faith)