I've been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder

[SuzeQuze]

Normal is some statistic but not actually "real". Maybe bipolar is over-diagnosed. I know people who have the diagnosis though and they all cannot function without medication. The mood cycles are extreme and very damaging to relationships, jobs, and careers. At some point you can't be wishy washy, you gotta call a spade a spade and not, "well maybe it's a spade but who decides what a spade is anyway?" It's a spade. Period.

[Standback383]

I have a good friend who was diagnosed with the same, and I most certainly have NEVER viewed anyone who is dealing with bipolar disorder as being "nuts"; I applaud you for seeking help and obtaining a diagnosis and getting to the bottom of everything.......

Good luck, take care, and have a good week ~

[blackroses]

Originally Posted by petep9000

None of this makes me feel any better, when I'm in a depressed state and the entire bottle of Ativan in my cabinet starts looking mighty good, or when I'm so manic that my heart is going to explode and I break out in a rash and I can't sit still.

but, maybe it's just a fad I'm going through.

I think I'm really being misunderstood. I didn't say that the moods, emotions, or behaviors are a fad, but the commonality of the diagnosis of this as a "disorder" is believed to be a trend by some people in the field. There is a huge difference. How do these things get interpreted so far away from the original point? My point is that people should not feel labeled or stigmatized by this, or feel "abnormal". It was evident that David was feeling this way when he posted. The truth is that the reason my psych friend spends so much time talking to me about this is because I have it. That's right. Someone mentioned suicide above. The fact is that I'm constantly suicidal...it's become a state of mind for me. I don't expect to kill myself, because I have moral reservations about that...it's just that I want to. So, whoever thinks I was trying to minimize this is very wrong. I've been dealing with depression my entire life, although I think I might be diagnosed with bipolar, since I have brief periods of feeling ecstatic, but they are very brief and not dominate in my case. I can't say that I manifest any aggression, doing my best to control that with sheer will power. I'm more prone to isolate myself instead (except for the internet ), but when interacting with people, I always try to be considerate and caring, even though I'm feeling bad, but it's not always easy. I actually think this condition has made me a more compassionate person. Yes, this debilitates me, and I'm sure I might benefit from medication, but I try to muddle through without it, because of the stigma that seems to be attached to any kind of mental health problem. I'm not some nut case, and am a very rational thinker in most ways, but in certain ways my life is just very dysfunctional due to my depression.

So, that's the reason this thread caught my eye. I have done a huge amount of research into this, because I live it. What I said in my last post does not make me feel any better either petep9000, but I sure do not believe any of us should be stigmatized. I guess over the years I have decided that the terms "abnormal" or "disorders" has very little meaning in some cases. I see it more as differences in the way people are wired (though it could be argued that some behaviors are definitely abnormal ).

[skcin]

^ You haven't tried meds because of the stigma associated with them? Oh, honey, don't punish yourself because of other people's perceptions. Not everyone needs meds, but the fact that you'd like to kill yourself & you're just "muddling through" makes me think that maybe they're worth a try. I hate someone to suffer because they are embarrassed, or cuz they think they should be able to do it without help. Using medication does not make you weak, or a bad person.


Now. Your other point is a good one, even though people are sensitive about it & may have misunderstood you. Our society used to treat the mentally ill terribly. It was an embarrassment for the person and their family & many patients were mistreated for years. But it's swung so far the other way, now it has gotten to the point that every emotion needs to be labeled and treated. Little Jimmy can't sit still & isn't doing well in school? He must have ADHD, you'd better medicate him. Your friend Betty has been crying for 3 days over a breakup with her boyfriend? She's depressed, she should get meds. I'm really tired all the time & have no desire to do anything? I think there's a pill for that.


When I worked with mentally ill teens, they used to have prn (as needed) medications available to calm them down (it was basically a mild sedative) so they could get control of their emotions & not act out in a negative way because of them. But many of them thought that ANY emotion that wasn't happiness was bad, and they should squash it. "I just got in an argument with Mary. I need my prn." No, you probably don't. It's OK to feel anger. It's OK to be sad. These feelings are not abnormal, unless they are literally affecting your activities of daily life. Try to read a book, or try some breathing/relaxation techniques. Try removing yourself from the situation & counting to 10. Try to talk to someone about it. If these things don't work, then move on to the next step. People want an easy fix, a magic pill - there isn't one. YOU still have to work at making yourself well, and dealing with your feelings. There IS NO simple answer. Meds will only help so much - you have to do some of the work yourself.


I have a friend who insists she needs her antidepressant, says she's a bitch without them & she snaps at everyone about everything. But she eats a ****ty diet, doesn't exercise & drinks alcohol in excess. Um, hello?!?! Of course, her PMD prescribed the med, so she doesn't get any counselling either. She said "hey doc, I think I'm depressed, I'm down a lot & I have mood swings." And doc gave her the meds & has for the past 4 or 5 years. THAT'S the kind of **** that happens every day, and it's not right.

It's doing a real disservice to people. Yes it's great that help is more readily available, and that there is less of a stigma than in years past, but many people want to blame something else for their problems & not take responsibility for their actions.

[Mad4stevie]

David:

My thoughts are with you as you begin this journey.

A little over two years ago, I left the man I thought I was going to marry because of his extreme bipolar mania. I lived with him two years before I left. He was the most intelligent, creative, athletic and gorgeous man that I had ever met. He had an incredible singing voice, and played the cello. However, leaving him was the hardest and most difficult thing that I have ever had to do. That period of my life was the most exhausting and anxiety producing time that I have ever experienced. Living in that situation was so distressing for me that I became extremely depressed myself and had to get treatment for my own situation. All that being said, I learned many things about myself that I don't know if I would have ever discovered if I had not went through that period.

There are no "textbook" bipolar symptoms. Not everyone experiences the same thing - some people are rapid cyclying and other's mood swings last for months at a time. There is also Bipolar I, which is where the moods swing drastically and Bipolar II, where the moods swing, but not that severely. My ex was Bipolar I and also an alcoholic. It is very common for most bipolar individuals to have substance abuse problems. That makes it even harder to diagnose the disease, because the person needs to be clean and sober for a period of time to truly get a good picture of what is going on in their life.

It does take awhile to get the right med combination and to learn to manage the disorder by avoiding "triggers" and by doing the best you can to have a healthy lifestyle. However, it absolutely is possible to achieve a balance in your life and to manage this situation instead of letting it manage you.

My ex had a very severe manic episode after hurricane Katrina, and because he works in crisis managment research (of all things), he went down South after the hurricane. He never made it. He spent three weeks holed up at the Westin in Atlanta, partied 24/7, charged up nearly $30,000 on his credit cards, including "renting" escorts, rode around in limos, went shopping, and generally was completely unaware of the consequences of his behavior. In fact, I literally had no idea if he was alive because no one knew where he was. It got to the point where I was praying that he would get arrested, so that at least someone would have control over him.

After he maxed out his cards, he ended up bringing a homeless man (yes, HOMELESS) back to PA with him. Talk about a frightening situation. Eventually, he entered rehab for his alcohol addiction, but they just "dried him out" and never gave him the necessary meds. By the time he returned from rehab I was gone. I still remained his friend, and when he fell off the wagon (which was inevitable because he wasn't on any meds), he called me. He was in extreme distress, drinking and extremely depressed. I tried to get him to go to the hospital but he refused. After three days of threatening to "end it all", I found a loaded gun in his house and called the crisis intervention unit for our county. He was involuntarily committed (just like Britany Spears) for five days, duing which time he got the right meds and was set up with an excellent counselor. He has since told me that if I hadn't had him committed, he likely would have killed himself.

Over the next year, he did get better with good meds and therapy. He continues to manage it day by day, and is aware of people, places and things that can trigger mania or depression.

I do hope that things work out well for you because it is absolutely a treatable situation. Try to surround yourself with people who are educated about this illness so they can assist if need be. Obviously, trust plays a huge role in this. You are doing the right thing by talking about this.

[blackroses]

Originally Posted by skcin

^ You haven't tried meds because of the stigma associated with them? Oh, honey, don't punish yourself because of other people's perceptions. Not everyone needs meds, but the fact that you'd like to kill yourself & you're just "muddling through" makes me think that maybe they're worth a try. I hate someone to suffer because they are embarrassed, or cuz they think they should be able to do it without help. Using medication does not make you weak, or a bad person.

I really appreciate your concern...thank you. Stigma is definitely not the main reason I have opted not to try meds. I have many reasons, and I believe I've made the right decision. For others, meds would be right. Many of us probably want to do things that we would never in reality consider doing (suicide is just one example). In spite of depression, I have an amazing inner strength that pulls me through. Heck, if you've had it most of your life, you're so adapted to it that you are better able to tolerate it. That doesn't mean it's always easy, but I think it has made me very strong in many ways. It's strangely ironic. In some ways, I suppose I think of my life as a personal experiment in human endurance.

Now. Your other point is a good one, even though people are sensitive about it & may have misunderstood you. Our society used to treat the mentally ill terribly.

I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say! "Mentally ill" certainly invokes negative images, and is a label which does not apply to every situation, yet it is unfortunately used much too broadly. I certainly don't consider myself to be the least bit mentally ill. Although there are illnesses of the mental kind, the lines get a bit blurred and often normal people are labeled as "ill".

it has gotten to the point that every emotion needs to be labeled and treated. Little Jimmy can't sit still & isn't doing well in school? He must have ADHD, you'd better medicate him. Your friend Betty has been crying for 3 days over a breakup with her boyfriend? She's depressed, she should get meds. I'm really tired all the time & have no desire to do anything? I think there's a pill for that.

Amen too all of that. Pills are not the answer to "everything".

When I worked with mentally ill teens, they used to have prn (as needed) medications available to calm them down (it was basically a mild sedative) so they could get control of their emotions & not act out in a negative way because of them. But many of them thought that ANY emotion that wasn't happiness was bad, and they should squash it. "I just got in an argument with Mary. I need my prn." No, you probably don't. It's OK to feel anger. It's OK to be sad. These feelings are not abnormal, unless they are literally affecting your activities of daily life. Try to read a book, or try some breathing/relaxation techniques. Try removing yourself from the situation & counting to 10. Try to talk to someone about it. If these things don't work, then move on to the next step. People want an easy fix, a magic pill - there isn't one. YOU still have to work at making yourself well, and dealing with your feelings. There IS NO simple answer. Meds will only help so much - you have to do some of the work yourself.

Amen again! (I have worked with troubled youth/juvenile offenders and I saw exactly the same thing you describe.) Yoga works fairly well for me. It's like my med. It's not a cure-all, but I highly recommend it.

I have a friend who insists she needs her antidepressant, says she's a bitch without them & she snaps at everyone about everything. But she eats a ****ty diet, doesn't exercise & drinks alcohol in excess. Um, hello?!?! Of course, her PMD prescribed the med, so she doesn't get any counselling either. She said "hey doc, I think I'm depressed, I'm down a lot & I have mood swings." And doc gave her the meds & has for the past 4 or 5 years. THAT'S the kind of **** that happens every day, and it's not right.

Yep, I've seen that too, as has my friend, who is an industry professional. It makes good sense for someone who is depressed to eliminate all possible causes or contributing factors...no junk food diet, getting enough exercise and sleep, clean lifestyle, no drugs/alcohol, not exposing themselves to situations in their lives that are problematic. But for some people, these things are not part of the picture. I'm a good example of someone who has always lived a perfectly clean lifestyle. For those who don't, it makes good sense to improve what they can before jumping to meds.

It's doing a real disservice to people. Yes it's great that help is more readily available, and that there is less of a stigma than in years past, but many people want to blame something else for their problems & not take responsibility for their actions.

Thanks for the insightful post. I think it's important to point out that there are some things we have no control over, but there are some things we do. In my case, it's only the things I do not have control over that are at the root of my depression. So, we need to change the things we can, and do our best. Hopefully the other things only serve to make us stronger, even if they are depressing. Depressed people who claim they cannot point to any reason for their depression are the ones who perplex me, as I cannot say that has ever been the case for me.

My apologies to David for taking over his thread. This is an interesting subject matter.

[blackroses]

Originally Posted by Mad4stevie

David:

My thoughts are with you as you begin this journey.

A little over two years ago, I left the man I thought I was going to marry because of his extreme bipolar mania. I lived with him two years before I left. He was the most intelligent, creative, athletic and gorgeous man that I had ever met. He had an incredible singing voice, and played the cello. However, leaving him was the hardest and most difficult thing that I have ever had to do. That period of my life was the most exhausting and anxiety producing time that I have ever experienced. Living in that situation was so distressing for me that I became extremely depressed myself and had to get treatment for my own situation. All that being said, I learned many things about myself that I don't know if I would have ever discovered if I had not went through that period.

There are no "textbook" bipolar symptoms. Not everyone experiences the same thing - some people are rapid cyclying and other's mood swings last for months at a time. There is also Bipolar I, which is where the moods swing drastically and Bipolar II, where the moods swing, but not that severely. My ex was Bipolar I and also an alcoholic. It is very common for most bipolar individuals to have substance abuse problems. That makes it even harder to diagnose the disease, because the person needs to be clean and sober for a period of time to truly get a good picture of what is going on in their life.

It does take awhile to get the right med combination and to learn to manage the disorder by avoiding "triggers" and by doing the best you can to have a healthy lifestyle. However, it absolutely is possible to achieve a balance in your life and to manage this situation instead of letting it manage you.

My ex had a very severe manic episode after hurricane Katrina, and because he works in crisis managment research (of all things), he went down South after the hurricane. He never made it. He spent three weeks holed up at the Westin in Atlanta, partied 24/7, charged up nearly $30,000 on his credit cards, including "renting" escorts, rode around in limos, went shopping, and generally was completely unaware of the consequences of his behavior. In fact, I literally had no idea if he was alive because no one knew where he was. It got to the point where I was praying that he would get arrested, so that at least someone would have control over him.

After he maxed out his cards, he ended up bringing a homeless man (yes, HOMELESS) back to PA with him. Talk about a frightening situation. Eventually, he entered rehab for his alcohol addiction, but they just "dried him out" and never gave him the necessary meds. By the time he returned from rehab I was gone. I still remained his friend, and when he fell off the wagon (which was inevitable because he wasn't on any meds), he called me. He was in extreme distress, drinking and extremely depressed. I tried to get him to go to the hospital but he refused. After three days of threatening to "end it all", I found a loaded gun in his house and called the crisis intervention unit for our county. He was involuntarily committed (just like Britany Spears) for five days, duing which time he got the right meds and was set up with an excellent counselor. He has since told me that if I hadn't had him committed, he likely would have killed himself.

Over the next year, he did get better with good meds and therapy. He continues to manage it day by day, and is aware of people, places and things that can trigger mania or depression.

I do hope that things work out well for you because it is absolutely a treatable situation. Try to surround yourself with people who are educated about this illness so they can assist if need be. Obviously, trust plays a huge role in this. You are doing the right thing by talking about this.

OMG, that must have been so difficult for you. What a bizarre situation. I believe someone like this often resorts to substance abuse to make themselves feel better, but it only exacerbates the problem. I'm glad he's better.

[Mad4stevie]

Originally Posted by blackroses

OMG, that must have been so difficult for you. What a bizarre situation. I believe someone like this often resorts to substance abuse to make themselves feel better, but it only exacerbates the problem. I'm glad he's better.

Yes, it was very difficult. The level of anxiety that a person experiences when a loved one is this sick is horrible. I was terrified that I would get a call that he was dead. The worse part was that his family does not live here (they are in Kansas and Virginia), so they didn't see how sick he had really become over time. I was in contact with them before he even left for the south after the hurricane and told the family in VA, "please stop him, he's really manic, he should not be going into such a dangerous and unstable place right now". Of course, he only stopped by to see them for a few hours and then hit the road. They did nothing to stop him.

After his brother drove down to get him to take him to rehab, he drove over to my house to see me after checking him in. His brother appologized profusely and told me he couldn't deal with his mania for even five minutes and he had no idea how I had lasted so long living with someone that ill. My simple answer: "He had no one else". And that was true.

Even after he started to do better, there was no way to repair our relationship. For a long time, he was very angry that I put him in the hospital, even though he acknowledged that it probably saved his life. I know that I was resentful for having to take such extraordinary steps to ensure his wellbeing, but I could not imagine not helping him because of my love for him.

He told me last year that he realizes that I have a gift . . . the ability to love the way that God loves . . . unconditionally. He said he felt lucky to have experienced that with me. I now know how far I will go to help someone that I love, which can be both a good and a bad thing. After about a year of therapy myself, I decided to throw my hat back into the dating ring and have since met a wonderful man who IS the man I am going to marry. No matter how bad something can appear to be at the moment, it is important to have hope that things will change and get better.

I was listening to alot of Stevie during this time. She is a survivor, and I never appreciated that more than during that time in my life.

[DavidMn]

All of this discussion has been so helpful and informative. I have an appointment with my psychaitrist in 2 weeks and I am looking forward to getting on some new medications to balance things out more. You know, If being open about myself ahs helped others here feel more comfortable discussing their issues and recieve support and help that means more to me than anything.

[SuzeQuze]

Originally Posted by Mad4stevie

Yes, it was very difficult. The level of anxiety that a person experiences when a loved one is this sick is horrible. I was terrified that I would get a call that he was dead. The worse part was that his family does not live here (they are in Kansas and Virginia), so they didn't see how sick he had really become over time. I was in contact with them before he even left for the south after the hurricane and told the family in VA, "please stop him, he's really manic, he should not be going into such a dangerous and unstable place right now". Of course, he only stopped by to see them for a few hours and then hit the road. They did nothing to stop him.

After his brother drove down to get him to take him to rehab, he drove over to my house to see me after checking him in. His brother appologized profusely and told me he couldn't deal with his mania for even five minutes and he had no idea how I had lasted so long living with someone that ill. My simple answer: "He had no one else". And that was true.

Even after he started to do better, there was no way to repair our relationship. For a long time, he was very angry that I put him in the hospital, even though he acknowledged that it probably saved his life. I know that I was resentful for having to take such extraordinary steps to ensure his wellbeing, but I could not imagine not helping him because of my love for him.

He told me last year that he realizes that I have a gift . . . the ability to love the way that God loves . . . unconditionally. He said he felt lucky to have experienced that with me. I now know how far I will go to help someone that I love, which can be both a good and a bad thing. After about a year of therapy myself, I decided to throw my hat back into the dating ring and have since met a wonderful man who IS the man I am going to marry. No matter how bad something can appear to be at the moment, it is important to have hope that things will change and get better.

I was listening to alot of Stevie during this time. She is a survivor, and I never appreciated that more than during that time in my life.

You're amazing. Congratulations on your new relationship. Stevie's music has cradled me through some really bad times too. Sometimes I cannot listen to her when I'm happy because things just come rushing back. But I'm in a good place now and grateful for that. Thanks for sharing.

[strandinthewind]

Originally Posted by Mad4stevie

. . . No matter how bad something can appear to be at the moment, it is important to have hope that things will change and get better.

I was listening to alot of Stevie during this time. She is a survivor, and I never appreciated that more than during that time in my life.

"Even when you feel like your life is fading . . . . " -- she judt has such a way with words, at least to me.

For awhile, I thought she said "Even when you feel like your LIGHT is fading" -- which is cool as well.

AS for the break up - it sucks - but you did the right thing. It is so hard to reach that day when you don't think about them at all for a day. Then, the next day you realize you did not think about them for a day and it is both sad and uplifting in the light at the end of the tunnel kind of way.

[Mad4stevie]

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

You're amazing. Congratulations on your new relationship. Stevie's music has cradled me through some really bad times too. Sometimes I cannot listen to her when I'm happy because things just come rushing back. But I'm in a good place now and grateful for that. Thanks for sharing.

I truly think that all things happen for a reason. In that situation, I had to believe that eventually it would be ok, because to not have hope would have completely wrecked me. There is a very fine line between doing whatever you can to save someone's life, and protecting your own wellbeing in that quest to help someone. I really think I stayed as long as I did because I felt that eventually he would get treatment.

The interesting thing is that since I left, so many people who are affected by this disorder (either themselves or a loved one), have come across my path. I teach at the college level, and there are numerous students who have come to me to discuss this topic because I do talk about how this has impacted my life. Additionally, my fiancee has a good friend from his childhood who is an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic, and I have tried to be a good listener for him. So many things about my ex and his friend are right on point. It's funny that we can talk about my ex without there being any normal feelings of jealousy because we are really talking about the illness, not my relationship with my ex.

[Mad4stevie]

Originally Posted by strandinthewind

"Even when you feel like your life is fading . . . . " -- she judt has such a way with words, at least to me.

For awhile, I thought she said "Even when you feel like your LIGHT is fading" -- which is cool as well.

AS for the break up - it sucks - but you did the right thing. It is so hard to reach that day when you don't think about them at all for a day. Then, the next day you realize you did not think about them for a day and it is both sad and uplifting in the light at the end of the tunnel kind of way.

Yes. I did the right thing without question. I made the decision to take care of myself after he got "into the system". At least by that point, there was documentation of his illness by professionals, and I no longer had to wage the battle for someone to recognize exactly how ill he was with this disorder. It truly was a "batttle of the wits" at the end; he would lie about how he felt or what he had done that was disturbing and was, at times, very convincing. I always had to counteract his misrepresentations with the reality of what I was observing. He would try to discredict me - but that was the illness talking, not him.

The one song that I would absolutely unravel when I heard it was "Beauty and the Beast".

My darling lives in a world that is not mine
An old child misunderstood...out of time
Timeless is the creature who is wise
And timeless is the prisoner in disguise


Oh who is the beauty...who the beast
Would you die of grieving when I leave
Two children too blind to see
I would fall in your shadow...I believe


My love is a man who's not been tamed
Oh...my love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain
We come from difference worlds...we are the same (my love)
I never doubted your beauty...I've changed
I never doubted your beauty...I've changed

[strandinthewind]

^^^

Lord Child Yes - B&B is one that comes to mind.

I sang SS and Twisted to a crowded room in my old house on my beloved Steinway (that was sold a year or so later without my permission by my ex) to my ex in a room full of people.

I THINK YOOOUUUUUU ARE THE DEMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[David]

My favorite person with bipolar was Randall Jarrell. Apart from his poetry, Jarrell was an excellent literary essayist & cultural critic -- one of the best of his era. He was a finer poet than either Stevie Nicks or Danny Kirwan.