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  #76  
Old 10-27-2008, 08:50 PM
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Hang in there tomorrow, Brian. We'll all be thinking of you and praying for you.
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  #77  
Old 10-28-2008, 07:43 AM
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You'll be in my thoughts today, Brian.
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  #78  
Old 10-28-2008, 09:04 AM
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Trying to get prepared for the WORST day ever in my life...I am trying to be strong to make it through this day, but I am SCARED.

I have never been this scared in my life...I hate 'goodbye'...

Sitting here watching "Cowboy Bebop" episode #5 "Ballad of Fallen Angels", Both Deb & I loved this anime and this is the best anime episode of any series of ALL-TIME. Look it up if its on youtube, the climax is in a cathedral with music that WILL be played at the funeral today.

Here is a clip featuring the full length song, "Rain" by Mai Yamane





Please pray for me to not go off the deep end today...

Brian "Spike Spiegel" j.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cowboy_bebop

Last edited by estranged4life; 10-28-2008 at 09:21 AM..
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  #79  
Old 10-28-2008, 01:27 PM
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Prayers for strength today, Brian.
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  #80  
Old 10-28-2008, 02:30 PM
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Brian, you're in my thoughts today.
Hang in there buddy.
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  #81  
Old 10-28-2008, 02:47 PM
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my thoughta are certainly w/ you brian on this day~ be strong & bless you~
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  #82  
Old 10-28-2008, 02:57 PM
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Hang in there, Brian. You have been in my thoughts and prayers since the day I read the sad news. Take Care.
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  #83  
Old 10-28-2008, 05:40 PM
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Brian... I'm so so sorry that I didn't see this thread before and I'm devastated to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you
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  #84  
Old 10-28-2008, 05:51 PM
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Just made it home, I'm sad...No other way to describe how I am feeling.

Ending up crying at the beginning of the ceremony and at the end, If noone heard me they had to be deaf...simple as that, I broke down and cried like no other.

Had the songs "Rain" by Mai Yamane and "It Won't Rain All the Time" by Jane Siberry played as memorials...23rd Psalm was read which I think was appropriate, though neither of us were considered 'religious'.

The Pastor spoke of HOW MANY nurses had attended (Which led me to question, "if all the nurses from Grady are here, then WHO is actually working at the hospital?") and of course Dr.Hamilton (The doctor of Debbie and myself) who had grown a beard/mustache to look older than he is, and when I mentioned that to him his reply was "At least I won't be called Doogie Howser" - Uh-oh, Debbie must've told him about my Doogie Howser comment...I am so owned now, I think my next appointement will involve EXTRA syringes...EEK!!!!

She is now in a better place now, She left this hell (We both considered this CURRENT existence on Earth as hell, WHERE one goes in the afterlife is Heaven...) to be with other loved ones and left me behind to fend for myself...but I am still here, still hurt, sad, angry and ALONE.

To deal with the dreaded "Oct.22", I took liquid-paper and whited-out that date on EVERY calender I could find in the house...That day NO LONGER exists in my mind.

I am spent...

Brian j.
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  #85  
Old 10-28-2008, 11:32 PM
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I am sorry Brian. I can imagine how you must feel. I lost my uncle last December of a sudden heart attack. I don't think there was a time durring the funeral that I didn't cry! Hang in there, you are in my thoughts and prayers. (((hug)))
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  #86  
Old 10-29-2008, 10:10 AM
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So sad. Just keep on hanging on.

Last edited by GoS; 10-30-2008 at 12:14 PM..
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  #87  
Old 10-29-2008, 02:14 PM
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I'm alright, just returned from having the Verden Asst.Police Chief show me where the accident occurred (When I seek answers I usually search for them upon my own). He worked that accident (I had him drive me to the scene because at least that way it I flipped out someone could be there to protect me, and I didnt flip out) and said in his 30 years of law enforcement he had never seen an accident described as "the perfect scenario accident" until that one. She left the road parallel and missed impacting 2 highway signs (I still dont see how she drove directly between those 2 signs) before hitting a culvert that was like a ramp with a 45-50 degree incline.

The transmission of my 2002 Grand Prix 'exploded' on impact (Everything at the site and all the belongings I have retrieved are covered in transmission fluid) which launched the car 115' before it landed nose first and then "hard rolled" 1.5 times before landing upside down in a small concrete drainage ditch (Which was maybe 2'-3' wide maximum). The seat housing, which holds the driver and passenger bucket seats to the underbelly was tore completely from the body (The seats werent ejected from the car) but ALL the safety devices worked correctly.

Had she just 'blacked out' (Fell asleep, etc) , despite the car being TOTALLY DESTROYED, and she was conscious AFTER the launch/rolling, the officer said (In an agreement with the M.E.) she could have EASILY survived due in part to the safety features and the metal (Not modern aluminum) framing of the automobile absorbing the damage and even despite the seat housing being ripped from the undercarriage, she STILL would have walked-away from the wreck with at worst (From being tossed around) with ONLY minor bruises and scrapes.

The total distance from the culvert impact to final resting of the car was over 300'

That night, All 4 lanes of US 62/State Highway 9 were closed to clean wreckage and remove transmission fluid from the roadway. There were parts of my car I barely recognized still there (ie - Front end cowl and the radiator cap housing), and a few insignificant items that were in the drivers console I left. Our beloved OSU car-flag was there but I left it too, only things I did grab today was her umbrella (Not even a scratch upon it, as were her personal belongings which were returned to me after her body was discharged to the funeral home - Even her glasses which she wore 24/7 were unscratched) and the Chicago Cubs bumper sticker that always layed in the back window on any car I have driven.

The officer said when he finally located her in the wreckage (He couldnt tell it was a 2002 Pontiac Grand Prix at first, he said it looked like a SUV) she was found still clutching for the steering wheel as if nothing had happened. No injuries minus a small goose-egg and a small seat-belt abrassion on her arm (Indentical to what the M.E. descibed to me). The tire tracks he showed me that led off the road showed ZERO braking and ZERO over-correction marks (Had she fell asleep the car would have 'barrel - rolled' BEFORE it approached the culvert due to the incline of the ditch), That along with how they located her body led those working the scene to declare she either had a fatal stroke or heartattack before leaving the roadway...

He had pictures of the incident, but warned me that I should wait to see them when time has passed so I can heal some...I took his word upon it.

I have some 'piece of mind' now in that Debbie didnt suffer - she 'expired' prior to the accident itself, so she felt no pain from the aftermath.


On the good news side (I guess its good news) At least the financer can now leave me the f**k alone, the insurance will pay what was owed on the car (The car was worth more than what I still had left to pay - So I will get a small refund of the dividend between the 2 prices)...So when that financing company calls me again, (I SO PRAY they do) I will take ALL MY ANGER out on that BITCH that called me Saturday and asked "Well Mr.Johnson, until we see the car we cannot say for sure it was a total loss" (The Verden Officer said the Grand Prix was "flattened beyond all comprehension" and one of the worse wrecks he had seen in recent time)
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  #88  
Old 10-29-2008, 02:46 PM
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i am glad to hear that you are getting some answers to ease your mind~ i know it won't ease the pain, but getting angry about this is very healthy~ i am glad you are so persistant~ bless debbie & you brian~ you are a great guy!!!~
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  #89  
Old 10-29-2008, 03:03 PM
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Cool I'm so persistance...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GODDESS6 View Post
i am glad to hear that you are getting some answers to ease your mind~ i know it won't ease the pain, but getting angry about this is very healthy~ i am glad you are so persistant~ bless debbie & you brian~ you are a great guy!!!~
(Due to being a certified "Quality Control Technician") I question things moreso than others, and I was able to point out to the M.E. the death certificate/accident reports HAD INACCURATE times listed...So that is being corrected and holding up the paperwork so I can pay for the funeral/etc.

I just hope NOONE, I repeat NO-ONE ever has to endure this hell I am currently stuck in...I will be fine because now the sorrow is turning to anger. That anger is aimed directly at the calendar and that date that happens after the 21st and before the 23rd (Doesnt exist on ANY calendar in this home...)

In the next day or so I will start filling out the "Thank You" cards for those who sent flowers, etc.

Taking it day by day, not like I havent before since that is HOW I live my life anyway and would even if this Cluster-F**ked date wouldnt have taunted me yet again.

I already have the last laugh, because I am still here when many thought I would be dead by now from all I had to endure...Sorry folks, I'm a Johnson - Not allowed to die without permission and none was giving to me. So as I always love to add at the end of such a discussion "And you can suck on that...Slapnuts"

Brian "Still here, will be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, next decade, next etc...My spirit is wounded, but it will return and make me even more focused, so I feel sorrow for the world now!!!!" j.

------------------------------------------

Just came back home from sitting out at the cemetary, just to be next to her...In the future I will be laid to rest next to her.
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Last edited by estranged4life; 10-29-2008 at 05:02 PM..
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  #90  
Old 10-30-2008, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DavidMn View Post
I wonder if she may have had a heart defect that wasnt dectected? Maybe they could look into that to ease you and her family's minds? just a thought.
my mind is at ease (As much as it may ever be in regards to this) since the trip to the scene and speaking to the Verden Asst.Chief.

He mentioned 'how surreal' the scene was, all this destruction (examples - I saw the radiator cap housing and it was severed from the radiator, the cap crumbled like an aluminum can still fitted on the housing, the foam bushing from the rear bumper laying in the concrete gulley and a metal milk crate I kept in the trunk - which held my spare fluids - was fragmented in pieces...I did locate her umbrella, which was undamaged but covered in transmission fluid, as was EVERYTHING in that general area) and yet she was sitting in the driver's seat reaching for the steering wheel as if nothing had happened...What ever the medical incident was, he said it was 'instantaneous' and occurred before the car left the roadway, She felt no pain or suffering from the crash itself.

He mentioned her lunch/dinner in her fabric lunch pail and purse where located next to her undisturbed (I have her purse, not even a scratch on it). I found her glasses in the items her brothers retrieved from the wreckage and they did not even have a smudge of 'em.

I know I am not the biggest religious person on this sphere called Earth, But I believed someone made a tradeoff that when she passed from this existence, They left her unharmed in the wreckage as a message that she felt no suffering...I do believe something unexplained had happened because the first responders at the scene said they had never seen an accident in this manner before (Total destruction of an auto but no injuries to the driver who had expired).

Maybe whoever called her away from the Hellish physical plain needed a Nurse who cared about people moreso than $$$$ (I saw that on the Oct.21st when Deb called to hospital to ask one of her co-workers about the health of an elderly woman on her floor). She loved her job...



That lessens my thoughts that she didnt suffer, but doenst lessen the pain in my head...or heart.
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