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It Gets Better
Over in the haunting songs thread, I just posted VNV Nation's "Illusion," because I'm often reminded of it lately due to the recent heartbreaking rash of teen suicides in the LGBTIQ community, and the It Gets Better Project, which Dan Savage founded in response.
It Gets Better is a collection of videos submitted by (mostly) LGBTIQ adults letting the younger members of the community know that it might be hard right now, but it really does get better, so please, please try to hang on. I say "mostly" above because there are some videos from heterosexual and cisgendered folks, too, like President Obama and Hilary Clinton. As a heterosexual, cisgendered woman myself, I have no real idea how difficult it must be to grow up LGBTIQ. I can imagine a rough approximation of it, due to the bullying and harassment I suffered for my own "otherness" back in school, but I know it's not the same thing. I identify as an ally, though, and my own experiences are still part of what's behind that, so I wanted to post this. So if anyone here is struggling with these issues, or knows someone who is, please, please go check out the It Gets Better Project and the resources they have for you there. And if anyone here struggled with these issues when they were teens, please consider contributing your own story to the project. These kids need to hear your voice as much as we need them to stick around so we can hear theirs. I know its hard to tell How mixed up you feel Hoping what you need Is behind every door Each time you get hurt I don't want you to change Cuz everyone has hopes You're human after all The feeling sometimes Wishing you were someone else Feeling as though You never belong This feeling is not sadness This feeling is not joy I truly understand Please don't cry now Please don't go I want you to stay I'm begging you please Please don't leave here I don't want you to hate For all the hurt that you feel The world is just illusion Trying to change you Being like you are Well this is something else Who would comprehend That some bad do lay claim Divine purpose blesses them Thats not what I believe And it doesn't matter anyway A part of your soul Ties you to the next world Or maybe to the last But I'm still not sure But what I do know Is to us the world is different As we are to the world I guess you would know that Please don't go I want you to stay I'm begging you please Please don't leave here I don't want you to hate For all the hurt that you feel The world is just illusion Trying to change you Please don't go I want you to stay I'm begging you please Oh please don't leave here I don't want you to change For all the hurt that you feel This world is just illusion Always trying to change you
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Malanderer, Badlander and Thief, Est. 1982 All the same, baby. All the same. "You never know what I'll do. I've resequenced my show. I'm a master at sequencing. I'm the one who sequenced for Fleetwood Mac. I sequenced 'Rumours.' Everyone loves my sequences. They're fun.'' |
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^Thank you so much for taking the time out to post this . The response from heterosexual folk to the whole "It Gets Better" movement has been quite overwhelming and so very heartwarming. The majority of the reaction and spread of this whole movement I've personally seen has actually come from heterosexual people. As a gay male, I just can't tell you how much that means to us in the LGBTQ (Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender/Questioning) world. It's true that absolutely everyone has their own unique set of issues and challenges growing up, but LGBTQ kids really have an especially tough trail to blaze. But much like this whole movement teaches, it does indeed get better. Much better. Life is wonderful, and as you get older, you learn to not just accept the aspects that make you different, but you learn to cherish them. I know I HATED growing up as a very tall, pale, red headed, gay kid named Louie. I might as well have had a glittery flashing target painted on my head for other kids to pick on me . But as an adult, I think all of those things are great. They make me unique, and actually attract people to me. Being different as a kid is scary and traumatic. Being different as an adult is refreshing and empowering.
If there's any LGBTQ youth here going through a tough time, reach out to someone who's been through their teens and early 20s (regardless of sexuality, gender, et al). They can tell you how it just keeps getting better. And how to turn the adversity you experience in your youth around, and let it teach you how to treat all people as best as you can. I think one of the most empowering and rewarding aspects of life is taking negative events, and allowing them to become positive learning and growth experiences. |
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I think the it gets better project is wonderful. I can only hope it helps. the amount of gay teen suicides is devastating. I'm bisexual...so I know what it's like. Some people think being Bi would be easier. Nope. I went through a LONG period of confusion and depression. To the point of I wanted to just disappear. I just did not want to be me anymore. Cause at the time...being me hurt. Cut to July of 08. My wife stepped in and told me I did not have to face it alone. So I'm happy and in love now. So it does get better
Anyway that's my experience and i love this project. I hope it helps. Mick
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The large print giveth And the small print taketh away -Tom Waits |
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Right...you know I wish I had this project for the 8 years I hated myself.
Mick
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The large print giveth And the small print taketh away -Tom Waits |
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I think this project is an excellent idea, and even if it only helps one kid out there, then that's still a wonderful thing to do.
The blatant discrimination against homosexual males (in particular imo) in society is pretty sick, I always feel uneasy hearing little six year olds saying "that's so gay" because people are indoctrinated (perhaps too strong a word?) from an early age that being gay is a bad thing, that it's wrong. I've dated both guys and gals, but, my friends I see day to day only know about the gals, as do my family. I LIKE being me (I'm fabulous ;D) but, I'm not gonna tell people I know until I'm ready, and strong enough to tell them to shove off if they try and give me any grief over it.
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Here's a very heartfelt response and plea from Councilman Joel Burns from Texas:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4 |
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I think it's an important message that everyone needs to hear, not just the young'uns, so I'm trying to do my bit where I can. And it does my heart good to hear that other heterosexual folks are backing this just as hard.
Plus I love anything that gets a video from the President on the same subject as a video from Buck Angel. Epic. Quote:
To be honest, sometimes I wonder if he actually thinks it's gross or if he just says it to see if he can annoy me, because the first time he popped off with something like that, I was all, "WHAAAAT? Where did you hear that? omgwtfbbq, that is not how I am raising you." Subsequent discussions have been much more calm, where I use a similar tone of voice as I would if I was discussing anything else normal, like the weather, but honestly, I was SO surprised to hear something like that come out of his mouth the first time, I couldn't squelch the "asdfghjkdaajdhga!!!!111eleventyone" reaction. I mean, I sure as hell don't talk like that around my kids (or anyone else, for that matter, but you know what I mean), so what the hell? Sigh. Quote:
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Malanderer, Badlander and Thief, Est. 1982 All the same, baby. All the same. "You never know what I'll do. I've resequenced my show. I'm a master at sequencing. I'm the one who sequenced for Fleetwood Mac. I sequenced 'Rumours.' Everyone loves my sequences. They're fun.'' |
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Thanks for posting this thread, Zombie. And thanks to greendaze for that youtube link. That was a really touching video.
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Artemis, I can relate to you too. I hope you are soon comfortable to come out to whoever you wish...you are strong enough! Send me a message if you want, it would be cool to talk. I'm very happy that I've come out to my mom, dad and brother. It was very hard. And there are still a lot of struggles ahead but I think I've gone through the worst parts. I've come out to a close friend, and a couple other friends, when it just happened to come up in conversation by chance. But coming out to the rest of my family will be hard. My Mom is a moderate, my Dad is a real conservative, and I'm really happy I didn't have to go through any period of them rejecting me after I came out to them. I don't know how much exactly they support LGBT freedoms/causes, and I've also realized they really won't ever be able to understand what I go/went through. But they love me and that is what is most important. The rest of my family is very conservative. It's painful to hear them say things that show their support for bigots, or bigoted viewpoints, because that makes coming out to them that much harder for me, and everyone else who lives with such a family. I know they love me...but I know me being bi will come as a surprise to them, and I don't know how they will take it. Everyone I've come out to was surprised. Then there is the attack on bisexually (especially on male bisexuals) from within the gay community. I've heard many comments on the invalidity of bisexuality, and general comments against bisexuals. Like how we don't really exist, or are just waiting to come out as gay. I've even seen these types of comments by gay members of this forum, and even at my school's gay straight alliance. Based on who they are coming from, this boggles my mind. Sorry for writing so much! I don't mean to hijack the thread. But it's close to my heart, and I think the it gets better message is a really great one and I'm happy there is a discussion about it. |
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That was a great read. I've gotten a lot of hate from gay people because they say i'm in a phase. I don't know what i Want. These guys should know better after what they go through. Those guys are being just as close-minded as the people they fight. It's sad really......Sigh I have my wife. But i've been in relationships with guys.and it was also wonderful. So yea
Mick
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The large print giveth And the small print taketh away -Tom Waits Last edited by bluefox4000; 10-27-2010 at 11:14 PM.. |
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Regarding the whole bisexuality thing, I know how tough that is. My first bf was bi, and I've had quite a few bi friends. They've all said the same thing: they get the most sh!t from the gay community, surprisingly. I think that's unfortunate. It seems the gay community is hell bent on treating each other badly, and that's something I've just never got. The majority of the world hates our existence, why must we further divide ourselves? Whenever I see gay men being catty to each other about their appearance, etc it just enrages me. I just don't get it. We should all be judged on our behavior; how we treat ourselves and others. Nothing else. You'll find your comfort zone, and great people to surround yourself with. |
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I admire the 'It Gets Better' mission, and if it saves even one life, that's great.
But, the truth is, in some ways, it doesn't get better. It's just the way the US culture sees gay men, unless you're in major cities like LA, NY and probably many others. Anti-gay slurs are one of the last acceptable forms of bigotry allowed- most everyone knows now to use the 'N' racial slur word, or make anti-Semitic comments, but the 'f' term for gay men - or used just as an insult to any man- is still a part of life that hasn't gotten better. For many, 'being tolerated' is as good as it gets, and really, who wants to be 'tolerated?' Don't mistake me, it is a very good thing the organization is doing. I've just lived long enough in the US to know that when you compare the progress made in the past 30 or 40 years in civil rights, womens rights and laws protecting children, homosexual men (and homosexual women) are still way behind, comparatively. Gay men and women pay the same taxes as heterosexuals, who can marry any person of the opposite sex they wish, if both are of legal age. In many states, gays and lesbians still can't marry, or even get insurance for their partners. The US constitution says 'all men (implying women, as well) are created equal... with... life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness"--- Well, it simply isn't true that the US Constitution is upheld for 'all men' if gay men and gay women can't pursue happiness by getting married as any straight man can do, and yet the US allows it to continue. In legal terms, all that is upheld nationally is that all heterosexual men can pursue their lives, liberty and happiness. The truth remains that many individuals and groups are still hell-bent on making sure homosexual men and women don't have the same basic rights as 'all men' who are supposedly created equal have, and it's just a question of human rights that should have been corrected ages ago and hasn't been. But the teens do need hope, so it's great 'It Gets Better' exists, maybe it will help. I agree with Louie that you care less as you get older about what anyone thinks about you, but it's still a fact that it's not an easy road, especially if you really think about how far gay and lesbians have not come in being assured of basic human rights by law. Last edited by Nikolaj; 10-28-2010 at 07:41 PM.. |
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Not trying to derail, just what you said reminded me of other similar annoying behavior. Quote:
You are right that it doesn't always get better for everyone. Even if the laws magically changed tomorrow and all LGBTIQ folks were afforded the same privileges us straight folks have, there would still be a large number of kids that suffer and grow up and still suffer. It's true that the gay rights movement has not progressed anywhere near as far as it should have by now, and that the progress that has been made has taken a long time, but I think that in order for that change to speed up and happen already, we need voices - voices from allies like me, yes, but mainly voices from the LGBTIQ community. Any time a gay youth commits suicide because they lost hope, a voice is lost - a voice that could have grown up to make an impact. So I don't think of it as offering false hope, but providing some support to kids that desperately need it, in hopes that it will help them stick around longer and fight for what they deserve and should already have.
__________________
Malanderer, Badlander and Thief, Est. 1982 All the same, baby. All the same. "You never know what I'll do. I've resequenced my show. I'm a master at sequencing. I'm the one who sequenced for Fleetwood Mac. I sequenced 'Rumours.' Everyone loves my sequences. They're fun.'' |
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Back on topic, body image was only partially what I was referencing in regards to gay men treating each other poorly. Fashion is a huge deal too (as it is for women too, no doubt). Gays can be downright vicious to each other about what other folks wear, their hairstyle, the cars they drive, where they live, and other inane crap like that. It's exhausting. It just seems like the dumbest thing in the world to be cruel about, especially since the majority of the world already hates us gay folk. Why splinter ourselves even more? LGBTQ folk should really focus more on unification and taking care of one another vs turning that same hate on ourselves. Moral is: appreciate variety... that's what keeps life interesting! |
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I say this because this question of privilege plays heavily into other areas of our lives, from discrimination due to race to discrimination due to sexual orientation to discrimination due to religion. And THAT is not to say that the struggle of the overweight is in any way as "serious" as people that experience racism or homophobia, but privilege plays a role in much the same way. So, that's why when I pointed out earlier that as a heterosexual, cisgendered woman that did experience harassment and bullying due to my general "weirdness" back in school, I STILL can't say that my experience is comparable to the harassment and bullying that GLBTIQ kids experience. Because it's just not. I have the inherent privilege of being heterosexual and cisgendered, which prevents me from being treated the same way. I was targeted as an individual, not a member of a larger community that has to deal with things that are both far more serious and directly impact the quality of life for that group as a whole. All of that was just a long-winded way of saying - we ALL experience bad shizz in our lives at some point or another, but we experience it to different degrees and in different ways, and we must all work to be aware of our respective privilege. If I were to say that my high school experience is exactly like the high school experience of, say, a transgendered teen in rural Idaho, I'd be minimalizing and trivializing not only that particular teen's struggle, but that of the LGBTIQ community's struggle in general, as well. Anyhoodle, I see what you are saying about the way some gay males treat others, and I did not think you were referring only to body image - I just used that as an example when relating my own observation. I am curious to hear your thoughts on why gay males engage in that kind of behavior, though. I know that women can behave much the same way, and I believe a lot of it has to do with the way we're taught to view ourselves through an objectifying, heterosexual, cisgendered male lens. I wonder if this behavior in gay males stems at least partly from that same source. Quote:
The binary or ternary view automatically excludes a ton of different people - for example, it doesn't make room for the asexual or the intersexed. And it doesn't allow for the person that doesn't feel or identify as homosexual, but meets one "special" same-sex person and falls in love (or lust) just that one time. So it doesn't have to be a "one or the other" situation - you can fall anywhere on the spectrum, and where you fall is just where you fall, and that's that. Does that make sense? For example, I identify as straight, but back in the day, I did have a relationship with another girl. She was the first woman I had ever wanted to do that with and the last - I haven't met another chick that I would want to have sex with. That doesn't make me a lesbian or bisexual if I don't sincerely feel like I'm a lesbian or bisexual - it just makes me a straight chick that got it on with a girl once. And I'm reminded of something Margaret Cho once said about that one time she had sex with a woman on a lesbian cruise and then got all confused about whether she's gay or not - "But then I realized, I'm not gay...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?"
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Malanderer, Badlander and Thief, Est. 1982 All the same, baby. All the same. "You never know what I'll do. I've resequenced my show. I'm a master at sequencing. I'm the one who sequenced for Fleetwood Mac. I sequenced 'Rumours.' Everyone loves my sequences. They're fun.'' |
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