It Gets Better

[Kena]

Originally Posted by Zombie

The tricky problem with the "reverse discrimination" idea your friend has is that being thin comes with inherent privilege that the overweight among us do not benefit from, and when a thin person says, "Well, I get concern-trolled, too, so my experience is just as valid as yours," they're wrong. This is not to say that thin people don't get hurt when someone tells them they're too skinny and they need to eat a sandwich, because it is not right that ANYONE be body-shamed, but, in general, thin folks don't experience the world the same way fat people do - a thin person can usually walk into any ol' regular clothing store and find many things that will fit, they are not overlooked for jobs due to weight, etc, etc. We each have to be aware of what privilege we may be benefitting from and use that to examine our experiences appropriately.

I say this because this question of privilege plays heavily into other areas of our lives, from discrimination due to race to discrimination due to sexual orientation to discrimination due to religion. And THAT is not to say that the struggle of the overweight is in any way as "serious" as people that experience racism or homophobia, but privilege plays a role in much the same way. So, that's why when I pointed out earlier that as a heterosexual, cisgendered woman that did experience harassment and bullying due to my general "weirdness" back in school, I STILL can't say that my experience is comparable to the harassment and bullying that GLBTIQ kids experience. Because it's just not. I have the inherent privilege of being heterosexual and cisgendered, which prevents me from being treated the same way. I was targeted as an individual, not a member of a larger community that has to deal with things that are both far more serious and directly impact the quality of life for that group as a whole.

All of that was just a long-winded way of saying - we ALL experience bad shizz in our lives at some point or another, but we experience it to different degrees and in different ways, and we must all work to be aware of our respective privilege. If I were to say that my high school experience is exactly like the high school experience of, say, a transgendered teen in rural Idaho, I'd be minimalizing and trivializing not only that particular teen's struggle, but that of the LGBTIQ community's struggle in general, as well.

Anyhoodle, I see what you are saying about the way some gay males treat others, and I did not think you were referring only to body image - I just used that as an example when relating my own observation. I am curious to hear your thoughts on why gay males engage in that kind of behavior, though. I know that women can behave much the same way, and I believe a lot of it has to do with the way we're taught to view ourselves through an objectifying, heterosexual, cisgendered male lens. I wonder if this behavior in gay males stems at least partly from that same source.



Thanks for sharing your story and experiences, cookie. I can almost hear your frustration and confusion through the screen here, and I'd give you a hug if I could. I am not sure if this will help you work through your "does that make me bisexual?" confusion or not, but I do not think we have to look at sexuality as a binary (gay or straight and that's that) or even a ternary (gay, straight, or bisexual, and that's that), but a more fluid spectrum of sexual orientation.

The binary or ternary view automatically excludes a ton of different people - for example, it doesn't make room for the asexual or the intersexed. And it doesn't allow for the person that doesn't feel or identify as homosexual, but meets one "special" same-sex person and falls in love (or lust) just that one time. So it doesn't have to be a "one or the other" situation - you can fall anywhere on the spectrum, and where you fall is just where you fall, and that's that.

Does that make sense? For example, I identify as straight, but back in the day, I did have a relationship with another girl. She was the first woman I had ever wanted to do that with and the last - I haven't met another chick that I would want to have sex with. That doesn't make me a lesbian or bisexual if I don't sincerely feel like I'm a lesbian or bisexual - it just makes me a straight chick that got it on with a girl once. And I'm reminded of something Margaret Cho once said about that one time she had sex with a woman on a lesbian cruise and then got all confused about whether she's gay or not - "But then I realized, I'm not gay...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?"

Thanks for my counseling session Anniewhoodles. Yes, you make sense. Lots of it.

I think the Margaret Cho quote just about sums it all up for me (Well only if gin or vodka are involved, which isn't much these days).

Ya know, after I typed my story I felt better, just getting it out helped. If I had been in this same situation 10 years ago I would probably be out of my mind right now. I am very lucky that I have a strong foundation and know this isn't the end of the world. I feel for younger people or any other folks that can't process this kind of thing like I can or have NO ONE, not even an internet buddy, who they can share with . I can for a second see why people consider suicide...but it gets better! It's gonna take folks like us reaching out and putting a little bit of ourselves out there by sharing experiences and helping increase openmindness in order to make a difference...that's what It Gets Better is about.

Don't worry about me deary, I mostly wanted to share with people the way I was treated and talked about by the "mean" girls. I am strong. I am WOMAN hear me roar!!!!