The Just Thought I'd Share Thread

[daniellaaarisen]

Originally Posted by Enchanted_Stevi

Plus I'm wicked stressed because my mom went to Rehab today =\

Whoa, interesting side note. Probably for the best, I think, after reading your posts on here for a few years... don't let yourself stress too much -- take care of things while she's gone but take this time to let her deal with her own sh*t by herself in an environment where she can do that safely

[Silver Springs]

I guess that's that then. I can't say I didn't try. But maybe it's for the best. Oh well. I have other things to occupy my mind from now on.

JTIS, that maybe losing something isn't always such a terrible thing. It takes losing something for us to appreciate what we didn't notice before.

[vivfox]

Did I ever tell you Ledgie's how much I love using plasticware over real utensils? I started this in 1999 and seem to be going strong. I prefer the clear, strong plastic type. Unless I'm eating a steak or something that requires a real, solid knife, I am much happeir eating with my plasticware, thank you very much.

[Silver Springs]

Originally Posted by vivfox

Did I ever tell you Ledgie's how much I love using plasticware over real utensils? I started this in 1999 and seem to be going strong. I prefer the clear, strong plastic type. Unless I'm eating a steak or something that requires a real, solid knife, I am much happeir eating with my plasticware, thank you very much.

And I'm sure the environment loves you for it, lol...

[jannieC]

Originally Posted by Enchanted_Stevi

Plus I'm wicked stressed because my mom went to Rehab today =\ Now I need to take care of my grammy and my cat at home for 2 weeks

Caitlin, I hope this is a successful rehab for your mother. And congratulations on your licensure! Focus on yourself (and your grammy and cat, for now) and live your life. You deserve to succeed and have a great future.

[Amlyn]

First some background. About a year ago, my father and my step mom separated on extremely bad terms. Totally cutoff from her due to a number of reasons, but along with that, his entire life outside of his job got cutoff too. All his socializing was at the hand of her and so he is back to his bachelor days like when I was a kid and he divorced my mom.

I haven’t lived with him since I was 9. From age 9-15 or so I’d see him on weekends, but very awkward cause he had no clue what to do with a daughter and his son. Basically I learned everything I needed to know about baseball and football in those years cause that’s all we did. Needless to say, he was present in my life, but not on a day to day basis or on an emotional level. My basic needs were always taken care of, but I never felt comfortable being with him because I felt so distant emotionally. We were stuck in this basic/primary state and couldn’t develop a deeper relationship. Later on in my late teen/early college years, I saw him even less. More cause I had such a need to be with my friends than anything, cause that’s what you do when you reach the age where you can drive and work and start to cultivate your own life.

Well, when I was 20, my father remarried and since he was now living with my stepmom and stepsister just as she was entering her teenage years, over time he was able to relate to women better, and me especially since I think watching a girl grow into a teenager and young woman on a day to day basis was missing with him and me. And in the long run it benefited me because for most of my 20s and early 30s, he and I asked developed a decent adult daughter-father relationship. But with well-defined boundaries and a pretty solid expectation of when we would communicate/see each other. Meaning we’d speak 1-2x a week by phone, maybe had a dad-daughter dinner3-4 times a year and then I’d see him 6-8 times a year for birthdays, bbqs, etc. Bottom line, we had very scheduled visits, didn’t regularly talk on the phone outside of work hours and all his free time was consumed by my step mom. And guess what. After 15 years of life like that, it was the norm for me and I got very accustomed to that.

Ok, so now my back to present day and my father is living by himself, bored out of his mind. He’s not willing to get out there to try to meet anyone cause he’s trying to win my step mom back. And unlike the first time with this living by himself stuff, he doesn’t have his kids to occupy him on the weekends. We’re both grown, and in fact my brother lives 5 hours away so that makes me the accessible one.

Here’s the crux of my whole issue. My father is now calling me on weekends and expecting me to just be readily available to talks to him, call him back, come down to his place, etc. And it’s not sitting well with me. Remember, for most of my adult life, we scheduled each other in. And after living on my own for 14 years, I’m pretty used to my independence and when he calls me and leaves me messages like, call me back so I can find out if you can come down and when I don’t call right back he calls me back and says, “I’m so worried you didn’t call me back” or “I called you yesterday and why can’t you pick up your phone?” and other variations on that theme. Now I know it’s probably coming from a good heartfelt place, but to me, I can’t deal with this type of scrutiny on my time or lifestyle. Up until now, if he called me on the weekend, we were either firming up family plans or someone died. We did not shoot the breeze. Honestly, I don’t think he even thought of me much on the weekends cause he was always preoccupied with my stepmom. And again, I was fine with that. He had his life, I had mine and from time to time our paths crossed. It may not be your textbook definition, but after so long it worked beautifully for us.

So I got another one of these calls yesterday. This is like the 3rd or 4th time this summer. I was away all day yesterday since the wee hours of the morning and I missed his call and when I got home in the evening, I didn’t feel like talking to him last night. And today I wanted a me day. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. SO he calls me about an hour ago and I decided to pick up the phone cause I knew I was going to get the “lecture” about being incognito and just wanted to get it over with. Which is exactly what happened. And I say hello and he goes into this whole diatribe about how it’s been 24 hours and he didn’t hear from me and how he was so worried something happened to me and blah blah. Of course since I’m sick of this sort of in your face and honestly I feel intrusive communication, I said, “Dad, you can’t keep doing this. I didn’t call you right back. It’s ok. I was busy. And I’m 36 and I feel like this is checking up on me and I don’t want or need that. I was going to call you back. You didn’t say anything was urgent. I just wasn’t able to do it. It’s all ok.”

Well he wigged out on me, about hung up on me and makes me feel guilty for something I didn’t initiate. I mean, he can’t let me have a reaction to anything he says or does without throwing it in my face. So of course this makes me want to talk to him even less. And I think to myself, if I was married, would he treat me like this? Well I learned today he did the same thing to my brother, who is married, so I guess yes. Which leads me to think that this whole need to just get us at the exact moment he feels needy is really going to get out of hand.

He is just in a miserable place and as much as I should want to be sympathetic towards him, all I want to do is run in the other direction. I know I sound like a brat cause I’m sure there are many people who would give anything to just have one more conversation with their parent, but that’s not the situation I’m in now and I don’t want this to lead to a situation where I just really cut him off for my own sanity. I don’t really see myself doing that, but I need to get passed this obstacle with him. I’m stuck and don’t know how to get him to a point where he can even appreciate why I feel these calls are a bit ridiculous to me.

Bottom line, I feel like my whole relationship that I’ve built as an adult with my dad has completely unraveled these past 12 months. I feel that sure, I could step up and be more empathetic at times, but he’s not willing to take one iota of responsibility for things going awry. He’s in the situation cause he messed up. Yet, I’m the one sitting here pondering this.

Help!!

Oh and PS, yes, I do make time to see him. I've seen him pretty much 1-2 a month since January and it was a lot more before that since he separated. So it's not like I don't include him in my life.

[Enchanted_Stevi]

Originally Posted by jannieC

Caitlin, I hope this is a successful rehab for your mother. And congratulations on your licensure! Focus on yourself (and your grammy and cat, for now) and live your life. You deserve to succeed and have a great future.

Thanks Jannie! Me too! My mom said that ashe'll be in rehab for at least 5 days and then they'll see where she is then..if she can come home she will...if she needs to stay longer she will. This really is the best for her.

I've just had a LOT of mental break downs the past couple daays lol But I'll get through it. I made my grammy a copy of the house key...idk why she didnt have one...but i got one made. I also got her some cereal and snacks to hold her off until we go grocery shopping tomorrow lol

[Silver Springs]

Originally Posted by Amlyn

First some background. About a year ago, my father and my step mom separated on extremely bad terms. Totally cutoff from her due to a number of reasons, but along with that, his entire life outside of his job got cutoff too. All his socializing was at the hand of her and so he is back to his bachelor days like when I was a kid and he divorced my mom.

I haven’t lived with him since I was 9. From age 9-15 or so I’d see him on weekends, but very awkward cause he had no clue what to do with a daughter and his son. Basically I learned everything I needed to know about baseball and football in those years cause that’s all we did. Needless to say, he was present in my life, but not on a day to day basis or on an emotional level. My basic needs were always taken care of, but I never felt comfortable being with him because I felt so distant emotionally. We were stuck in this basic/primary state and couldn’t develop a deeper relationship. Later on in my late teen/early college years, I saw him even less. More cause I had such a need to be with my friends than anything, cause that’s what you do when you reach the age where you can drive and work and start to cultivate your own life.

Well, when I was 20, my father remarried and since he was now living with my stepmom and stepsister just as she was entering her teenage years, over time he was able to relate to women better, and me especially since I think watching a girl grow into a teenager and young woman on a day to day basis was missing with him and me. And in the long run it benefited me because for most of my 20s and early 30s, he and I asked developed a decent adult daughter-father relationship. But with well-defined boundaries and a pretty solid expectation of when we would communicate/see each other. Meaning we’d speak 1-2x a week by phone, maybe had a dad-daughter dinner3-4 times a year and then I’d see him 6-8 times a year for birthdays, bbqs, etc. Bottom line, we had very scheduled visits, didn’t regularly talk on the phone outside of work hours and all his free time was consumed by my step mom. And guess what. After 15 years of life like that, it was the norm for me and I got very accustomed to that.

Ok, so now my back to present day and my father is living by himself, bored out of his mind. He’s not willing to get out there to try to meet anyone cause he’s trying to win my step mom back. And unlike the first time with this living by himself stuff, he doesn’t have his kids to occupy him on the weekends. We’re both grown, and in fact my brother lives 5 hours away so that makes me the accessible one.

Here’s the crux of my whole issue. My father is now calling me on weekends and expecting me to just be readily available to talks to him, call him back, come down to his place, etc. And it’s not sitting well with me. Remember, for most of my adult life, we scheduled each other in. And after living on my own for 14 years, I’m pretty used to my independence and when he calls me and leaves me messages like, call me back so I can find out if you can come down and when I don’t call right back he calls me back and says, “I’m so worried you didn’t call me back” or “I called you yesterday and why can’t you pick up your phone?” and other variations on that theme. Now I know it’s probably coming from a good heartfelt place, but to me, I can’t deal with this type of scrutiny on my time or lifestyle. Up until now, if he called me on the weekend, we were either firming up family plans or someone died. We did not shoot the breeze. Honestly, I don’t think he even thought of me much on the weekends cause he was always preoccupied with my stepmom. And again, I was fine with that. He had his life, I had mine and from time to time our paths crossed. It may not be your textbook definition, but after so long it worked beautifully for us.

So I got another one of these calls yesterday. This is like the 3rd or 4th time this summer. I was away all day yesterday since the wee hours of the morning and I missed his call and when I got home in the evening, I didn’t feel like talking to him last night. And today I wanted a me day. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. SO he calls me about an hour ago and I decided to pick up the phone cause I knew I was going to get the “lecture” about being incognito and just wanted to get it over with. Which is exactly what happened. And I say hello and he goes into this whole diatribe about how it’s been 24 hours and he didn’t hear from me and how he was so worried something happened to me and blah blah. Of course since I’m sick of this sort of in your face and honestly I feel intrusive communication, I said, “Dad, you can’t keep doing this. I didn’t call you right back. It’s ok. I was busy. And I’m 36 and I feel like this is checking up on me and I don’t want or need that. I was going to call you back. You didn’t say anything was urgent. I just wasn’t able to do it. It’s all ok.”

Well he wigged out on me, about hung up on me and makes me feel guilty for something I didn’t initiate. I mean, he can’t let me have a reaction to anything he says or does without throwing it in my face. So of course this makes me want to talk to him even less. And I think to myself, if I was married, would he treat me like this? Well I learned today he did the same thing to my brother, who is married, so I guess yes. Which leads me to think that this whole need to just get us at the exact moment he feels needy is really going to get out of hand.

He is just in a miserable place and as much as I should want to be sympathetic towards him, all I want to do is run in the other direction. I know I sound like a brat cause I’m sure there are many people who would give anything to just have one more conversation with their parent, but that’s not the situation I’m in now and I don’t want this to lead to a situation where I just really cut him off for my own sanity. I don’t really see myself doing that, but I need to get passed this obstacle with him. I’m stuck and don’t know how to get him to a point where he can even appreciate why I feel these calls are a bit ridiculous to me.

Bottom line, I feel like my whole relationship that I’ve built as an adult with my dad has completely unraveled these past 12 months. I feel that sure, I could step up and be more empathetic at times, but he’s not willing to take one iota of responsibility for things going awry. He’s in the situation cause he messed up. Yet, I’m the one sitting here pondering this.

Help!!

Oh and PS, yes, I do make time to see him. I've seen him pretty much 1-2 a month since January and it was a lot more before that since he separated. So it's not like I don't include him in my life.

The constant pestering reminds me how my Nanna got towards my Mother in the last few years of her life. Day and night she was calling, expecting Mum to drop everything so she could go see her or take her shopping. Just generally be her skivvy. And she wasn't grateful for a single thing she did. Never a thank you or an "I love you for helping me". And if my Mother was unable to do something for her, Nanna would turn and start badmouthing her to her Sisters and really run a guilt trip for it. It exhausted my poor Mum who's always gone out of her way to help. I sympathise with your situation. I really. All you can do is your best. I don't think, personally, that he has any right to behave as he is, because it sounds like it's bordering on harassment. He needs to learn how to be his own independent person again. By the sounds of it he's been quite damaged by the whole experience with your Stepmother and doesn't feel as though he has a place in anybody's life any longer. He needs to get out, make friends and fill up his social calendar again with new experiences. Do they have any hobby clubs or any sort of gathering in his area that would interest him enough to get involved in? He might be able to find himself a little less available than he is now.

[Enchanted_Stevi]

Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen

Whoa, interesting side note. Probably for the best, I think, after reading your posts on here for a few years... don't let yourself stress too much -- take care of things while she's gone but take this time to let her deal with her own sh*t by herself in an environment where she can do that safely

So true! I know its for the best and I am so proud of my mom for doing this. Considering she was SO scared to go. but I think my mom has hit her bottom and needed this wicked bad! She was depressed and stuff and wouldnt go to work. It was bad...then like 2 weeks ago she told me her liver was in distress. Her Dr. wanted her to go to rehab asap.

I'll have my mental breakdowns away from my gram and stuff. I'll be strong and take care of my gram and cat and make sure my uncle's $$ gets mailed to him every tuesday(if she stays longer than 5 days). I'll go shopping for food and clean. It'll be wicked stressful, but I'll do it.

P.S. my mom and her bf of 14 years broke up and he moved out so obviously shes sad about that too

[Macfanforever]

Originally Posted by vivfox

Did I ever tell you Ledgie's how much I love using plasticware over real utensils? I started this in 1999 and seem to be going strong. I prefer the clear, strong plastic type. Unless I'm eating a steak or something that requires a real, solid knife, I am much happeir eating with my plasticware, thank you very much.

I use it to.Plus paper plates and plastic solo cups.But I recycle the plastic ware.

[Macfanforever]

Originally Posted by Enchanted_Stevi

Thanks Danielle =D

Hey you got it,Congrats.Also I want to wish you mom well.

[vivfox]

Originally Posted by Macfanforever

I use it to.Plus paper plates and plastic solo cups.

I use those too. My paper plates are made by Dixie and can be microwaved and I use the red Stevie solo cups. I wash and reuse the cups. The rest gets tossed.

[fumidesigns]

so yeah i think i look pretty cute today.........but this dude on the bus, who i thought HAD to be gay cause he had these nameplate earrings on, kept winking at me. like.........HE WOULDN'T STOP! i was forced to only look at my phone for the whole bus ride til i got to penn station!!!! i was very confused! and to make matters worse.......my bestie wasn't up yet to answer his tweets about the situation!

oh well.............jtis.

[fumidesigns]

fine! i cleared out my pms! *sigh* now how come the ones i got the emails about aren't poppin up!? urgh! damn ledge! lol!

[Silver Springs]

Hehehehehehe!