Parents

[Remy]

I didnt ask before, since I wasnt sure if it was suitable to pose such questions here... but i figured Ledgies dont refrain from tackling some serious issues... and I'm curious to find out what you think.

I've been wondering... how much of one's struggles and problems can be traced back to childhood, particularly one's relationship with parents?

I've always struggled with self-esteem issues (and everything related to them: insecurity, difficulties with trust and confidence in relationships), and it sometimes haunts my thoughts, whether it's just the way I'm "programmed" or something more. My parents were by no means abusive, but neither were/are particularly emotional or supportive. On the other hand - many people I know have similarly "neutral" parents, and they "came out fine", or even self-confident.

Is/Was there anything problematic in your personality that you feel might have to do with they way your parents raised you up?

[TerraRhiannon]

My mom used to be a huge push over and you could get her to do anything, so me and my siblings would give her a hard time. Then she got a man and got kind of strict, but anyway. Because I used to get whatever i wanted, in the real world I would get very upset when I didn't get what i wanted. Eventually I grew up and realized you have to work hard in order to get what you want. Once in a while I still get upset when I don't get what I want and I blame it on my Mom, but it's rare now, I'm more down to earth now

[holidayroad]

I definitely didn't have the best parental relationship. My mom is the type who (to this day) thinks she has to be right about everything. She rarely looks at anyone else's side.
My dad was (is) an alcoholic and he and my mom fought constantly. My dad was mostly a user. He'd only spend time with me if it was a cover for something else that he really wanted to do. That way, it would look as if he spent the day doing something worthwhile.
My mom was a very angry person after they divorced because my father took almost no responsibility for raising us and rarely paid child support. She took most of that anger out on me, to the point of being physically and mentally abusive. I was so happy to leave home!
I don't have the best self esteem in the world. It isn't all the fault of my parents, but they certainly didn't help. I live hundreds of miles away from my parents now. I haven't seen my father in at least 5 years. I see my mom a couple of times a year.
Seeing how they treated each other and their children and seeing their actions taught me what Not to do in my marriage and how Not to treat my son. I am so glad that I learned from their mistakes.

[bluefox4000]

I have my own problems but none of them could be attributed to my parents. I was depressed for years because nobody wanted a relationship with a handicapped boy. Again though not my parents fault. They're wonderful. Obviously I don't tell them everything. They know nothing of my 8 year depression, but again all my choice. All the problems I had.......It was all me. Love my parents.

Mick

[louielouie2000]

I think it's pretty safe to say most everyone has traumatic events from their childhood that cause them to act differently as adults. I know for the first half of my childhood things were pretty crazy. My parents went through a violent divorce when I was between the ages of 3 & 4; and my Mother, Father, & Stepfather were all drug addicts/alcoholics. My Mom and Stepdad finally got their act together when I was 10; but my Father's addiction claimed him when I was 13 (he was murdered by a drug dealer). Interestingly enough, I rebelled from all the insanity by being a model child: I made good grades, never got into trouble, was respectful to elders, I didn't have my first drink until I was 22, I never took up smoking, have kept away from drugs, was the first in my extended family to graduate from college, etc.

I think the only real downside per se from my parents insanity when I was a kid is that I can be quite emotionally distant. Especially when things get unpleasant, I seem to just totally shut down my emotions and go into "safe mode." For instance, I've yet to cry when someone I know dies, I tend to cut people out of my life who are a constant source of drama, I don't rely on others for emotional support, stuff like that. Apparently all of this is quite common in children of addicts; it's a defense mechanism. Because of all of this my Mother has often accused me of being cold and uncaring.

For instance, my younger brother is a violent addict who can be quite sweet and charming during his brief dry-out spells. Because of years of complete insanity from my brother, I keep him at a very far distance in my life. This absolutely infuriates my Mother, because she thinks I should be there trying to help him straighten out his life, and should be more supportive and involved during his clean spells. But I just can't have my Brother in my life; he's a human tornado who just rips everyone to pieces who is nearby. I won't enable him by cleaning up his messes, I won't allow him to treat me poorly, and I won't pretend to forget the things he's done to my parents and I. My brother is emotionally dead to me, and I've even found myself praying for his death just so he'll stop hurting the world.

Anyway, life is what you make of it, though. I've chosen to take all the bad things that have happened to me and tried to glean life lessons from them. I think creating positive from negative is one of the most beautiful things you can do in life. For instance, I just don't know how much I'd be able to appreciate beauty and kindness and it's depth without having experienced some of the unsavory things I have. Since my brother likes to steal and leach from so many, I try to volunteer and give back to worthy causes. I see so many hateful, rude, unkind people in the world... so I make it a point to smile at strangers and say hello. The world is what we make of it... so why not make it happy and beautiful?

[MissLadyLoki]

My issues of being an inscure mess I doubt had anything to do with my parents, but I do feel that came from my mom (and just about every other woman in my family), who all worry too much, but that's what you get from Jewish motherhood lol. The only negative trait I can think of that I got from my upbringing is being self-centered at times, but that probably came from being a spoiled only child.

[daniellaaarisen]

Originally Posted by louielouie2000

I think it's pretty safe to say most everyone has traumatic events from their childhood that cause them to act differently as adults. I know for the first half of my childhood things were pretty crazy. My parents went through a violent divorce when I was between the ages of 3 & 4; and my Mother, Father, & Stepfather were all drug addicts/alcoholics. My Mom and Stepdad finally got their act together when I was 10; but my Father's addiction claimed him when I was 13 (he was murdered by a drug dealer). Interestingly enough, I rebelled from all the insanity by being a model child: I made good grades, never got into trouble, was respectful to elders, I didn't have my first drink until I was 22, I never took up smoking, have kept away from drugs, was the first in my extended family to graduate from college, etc.

I think the only real downside per se from my parents insanity when I was a kid is that I can be quite emotionally distant. Especially when things get unpleasant, I seem to just totally shut down my emotions and go into "safe mode." For instance, I've yet to cry when someone I know dies, I tend to cut people out of my life who are a constant source of drama, I don't rely on others for emotional support, stuff like that. Apparently all of this is quite common in children of addicts; it's a defense mechanism. Because of all of this my Mother has often accused me of being cold and uncaring.

For instance, my younger brother is a violent addict who can be quite sweet and charming during his brief dry-out spells. Because of years of complete insanity from my brother, I keep him at a very far distance in my life. This absolutely infuriates my Mother, because she thinks I should be there trying to help him straighten out his life, and should be more supportive and involved during his clean spells. But I just can't have my Brother in my life; he's a human tornado who just rips everyone to pieces who is nearby. I won't enable him by cleaning up his messes, I won't allow him to treat me poorly, and I won't pretend to forget the things he's done to my parents and I. My brother is emotionally dead to me, and I've even found myself praying for his death just so he'll stop hurting the world.

Anyway, life is what you make of it, though. I've chosen to take all the bad things that have happened to me and tried to glean life lessons from them. I think creating positive from negative is one of the most beautiful things you can do in life. For instance, I just don't know how much I'd be able to appreciate beauty and kindness and it's depth without having experienced some of the unsavory things I have. Since my brother likes to steal and leach from so many, I try to volunteer and give back to worthy causes. I see so many hateful, rude, unkind people in the world... so I make it a point to smile at strangers and say hello. The world is what we make of it... so why not make it happy and beautiful?

I never knew any of this, Louie. I'm glad I do now.

This is in interesting question for me because I'm in the process of walking way from "childhood" and into adulthood. I have no idea what I'll be like in 10 or 20 years but I already know that I've been emotionally unattached to my parents for years now and yet they've still affected me DRAMATICALLY.

My mom modeled in everything from Playboy to Versace ads. I had a LOT of pressure growing up to model, too, so I did. I modeled from birth (I was a Gerber baby) until I was 13, modeling as an adult for makeup and fashion designers. I had been fighting the urge to pick up an eating disorder since I was around 9 and my mom didn't help-- she put me in ballet classes which obviously made it much worse, and she'd make her own comments about how I wasn't "runway worthy." So I told her to STFU when I was thirteen and I quit. I was pretty much anorexic for a while and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. So I stopped ballet and modeling and told my parents to use my modeling money for horseback riding lessons However, this mentality is FAR from gone for me.... I'm completely paranoid about what I look like at all times. I never leave my room without wearing cute clothes and having my hair and makeup done, I need male reassurance to feel half-decent about myself.... and I feel like these things come from the pressure I had growing up to be an archetype.

Also, my mom is bipolar and, as her psychologist once said (she refuses to see a psychiatrist after the bipolar diagnosis), she as "schizophrenic tendencies." My dad's an alcoholic. This combination lead to some not-so-fun childhood memories, so I lived somewhere else for a year until they kinda figured their **** out. I'm really independent because I had to be. I have a love/hate relationship with alcohol and any other type of drug. I desperately want to trust people but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm petrified of being a parent. For me, I think it all ties back to my parents.

[Kena]

Originally Posted by bluefox4000

I have my own problems but none of them could be attributed to my parents. I was depressed for years because nobody wanted a relationship with a handicapped boy. Again though not my parents fault. They're wonderful. Obviously I don't tell them everything. They know nothing of my 8 year depression, but again all my choice. All the problems I had.......It was all me. Love my parents.

Mick

Were you living with them or around them during those 8 years? I can't imagine they didn't notice. I have been working with individuals with medical concerns and many parents are so concerned about meeting their childs medical needs that they do not consider their mental health needs.

I have no medical concerns but my parents say they never noticed my depression. I just can't imagine how they could not have...I was skinny as a rail and looked a hot mess. Of course they noticed when I got into trouble but that happened when I was technically a grown up. I didn't blame my parents at first and I don't blame them now but there was a period of time I was really pissed that they didn't assume some responsibility for what happened to me. After all, they "raised" me.

Ya see, a lot of really bad things happened when I was about 12. That was also the time when I started having changes in my body and what not. I felt like it was so obvious that I was screwed up. So fast forward about 8 years and there I am with handcuffs on. I'm just thinking I'm a cute little hippie girl who likes to smoke, and drink, and do a few other things. My family just went on and on about how they couldn't believe I made such poor choices and that I should have known better. How was I supposed to know better when I didn't have any role models?

I had to learn the hard way but I feel like getting in trouble was some sort of divine intervention. There had to be some greater good out of getting arrested and losing one of my great loves to drugs.

What I learned after 10 years of therapy and a psychology degree (ha ha- wow, that makes it sound like I was really screwed up- maybe I'm still in denial) is that at some point you have to work through the past and live in the present and be all you can be. Based on my story and what others like Louie said it can go either way. People can say "oh I'm sure as heck not going to be like that" and actually keep history from repeating itself or they can be someone like me who only thought I wasn't going to have to go down the path I went.

Anywhos, to make a long story a littler less longer than it already is I'll just say that after all that I got it together. I'm making lemonade out of lemons. And it's good.

[bluefox4000]

Originally Posted by Kena

Were you living with them or around them during those 8 years? I can't imagine they didn't notice. I have been working with individuals with medical concerns and many parents are so concerned about meeting their childs medical needs that they do not consider their mental health needs. .

I was living with them. You see, I'm a really really REALLY good actor. in hindsight I should have gotten help. But i could not even think straight at that time. In public I was happy Mick. no one knew. In private I would stare at my wall. just miserable That's done though. I'm happy now. My wife helped. She was the only one I ever told.

Mick

[Nikolaj]

Originally Posted by Remy

Is/Was there anything problematic in your personality that you feel might have to do with they way your parents raised you up?

Yes, I think it often comes back to that, completely. You just do the best you can with however it all went, I guess.

[jeffd8382]

Originally Posted by Remy

I didnt ask before, since I wasnt sure if it was suitable to pose such questions here... but i figured Ledgies dont refrain from tackling some serious issues... and I'm curious to find out what you think.

I've been wondering... how much of one's struggles and problems can be traced back to childhood, particularly one's relationship with parents?

I've always struggled with self-esteem issues (and everything related to them: insecurity, difficulties with trust and confidence in relationships), and it sometimes haunts my thoughts, whether it's just the way I'm "programmed" or something more. My parents were by no means abusive, but neither were/are particularly emotional or supportive. On the other hand - many people I know have similarly "neutral" parents, and they "came out fine", or even self-confident.

Is/Was there anything problematic in your personality that you feel might have to do with they way your parents raised you up?

There are always questions about nature vs. nurture.. and probably not a lot of consensus even in the psychological community. There are studies that seem to provide evidence for and against both. I think most fair-minded people recognize each plays a significant role in molding who we become.

One of the things I've found to be insightful in my own life is the realization that it is not what happens/doesn't happen to us that really has an impact; it is what we tell ourselves about what happens/doesn't happen to us... the meaning we draw from these experiences about why/how it happened to us. There is always an internal dialogue going on in our minds whether we're completely aware of it or not. And I'm sure you've probably heard elsewhere about how children have a profound ability to make any situation about themselves.. it's just because they are trying desperately to make sense of the world around them and it's nearly impossible at a young age to see the world from a perspective outside themselves.

I do believe parents/primary caregivers have an incredible impact on children... these are the most important figures in our young lives. They help shape and mold our subjective understanding of the world around us... and that's probably an understatement.

I also have struggled with issues of self-esteem so I hear where you're coming from. I also have had to deal with some very difficult fear/anxiety issues that still plague aspects of my life. And I believe a lot of it does stem from my early years. My father left our family when I was 8, shortly after my grandpa, (mother's father) who I looked up to as a primary male role model, passed away. But it wasn't until recent years when other issues related to my father came to light.. and it helped explain why I never felt comfortable/close with him from a very early age. There are so many other dynamics in play as well, that it would be too hard to explain in a forum like this... but needless to say, I do see how my early experiences have affected me profoundly.

That being said, I know I am wired in a certain way that has made me particularly sensitive and intuitive about the world/people around me. If you could place another person in my exact situation, I think it's very likely they wouldn't become the exact same person I am today (making the same decisions or having the same perspectives).

So I guess a short answer is: there is no definitive answer... lol! But I hope it helps to know you're not alone in wondering about your past and how it's affected you. I think almost all of us ask ourselves these questions at some point in life.

[Silver Springs]

This is a hard question for me to answer. Probably because I'm of the mindset that life is what you make of it, and people can only affect you as much as you allow yourself to be affected. Emotionally speaking of course.

When I was a little girl I had a lot of confidence problems. Probably as many as I do now. These I held my Dad completely to blame for for many years. Okay, I was an overweight child. But I can remember being very happy. Until I started taking in what my Dad would say to me. He found nothing wrong with cracking jokes about my weight, my social awkwardness and my bookish intelligence. He saw it as nothing more than fun, even though years later I was to find out that he had in his childhood battled bulimia due to being an overweight child. He knew how much the bullying could hurt. As long as I can remember, my Dad's been a bully. Not just emotionally. Whenever I did something wrong, took too long in the bathroom or whatever, he would bring out his trusty hard soled slippers and his belt. I was scared of him. At one point he had me so frightened of doing anything to upset him that I wouldn't even allow myself to go to the bathroom. For months, maybe even years I would hold out as long as I could, until eventually I managed to damage myself permanantly. Each time I would have an accident because I hadn't been to the bathroom he would beat me again, only increasing my fear.

But eventually, without his help, I got past that and then the fun years of school began. And I got to know another kind of bully. I think in all honesty, most of my life has been controlled by fear in some way or another. Fear of angering my father, doing something to offend my peers or lose the few friends I can count at the moment. Alot of the time I'm so gripped by it that I retreat into myself. My iPod comes with me wherever I go and I use it to hide from social situations. When I have my music playing, I have somebody that understands me.

After leaving my school and moving into a higher form of education, I was happy. For the longest time I didn't have to worry about bullies or how people were going to treat me. I came out of my shell. Then my Dad found another way to rock my world. My Dad has a severe disability known as Fibrous Displasia, and thus he can't work. Most of the time he's in too much pain to leave the house or even bed. And so he, like me, seeks solace in the online world. Only a few months ago my Mother found out about his girlfriend he'd met on that ****ing horrible site we know as Facebook. He'd been cheating a year. And the worst thing was: I kind of knew about it. I could hear him retreating downstairs in the early hours of the morning to call her and her little girl whom he had allowed to call him Daddy. He would borrow money from me, of course I never knew what he would do with it, to spend on her whilst doing very little for his family other than his usual taunts and jibes. He would even give away precious gifts he'd bought my Mother years before to the woman. We had a really hard Christmas last year and it was only then that we realised why. He'd dipped into the Christmas fund and spent most of the money on buying the little girl a Wii console. He bought my Mother a £3 dvd and myself nothing. I said nothing about hearing the phonecalls because I didn't want to hurt my Mum more than she already was. Every day for the next few weeks after that I would come home and she'd be passed out drunk on the kitchen floor. I wasn't allowed to have feelings about the situation because I had taken it upon myself to just try and keep the family together. I know it sounds selfish, but this was what I knew. I didn't want my fractured status quo to leave. It probably sounds awful, but even though I hate my Father so much...I still love him.

Because of my Father's distance, I developed a very unhealthy relationship with one of my male Tutors a couple of years ago. I would take any opportunity that I could to go and see him. To sit in his office and cry away from prying eyes even. I saw him as a Father figure that I had lacked, and I confided my soul's worth in him whenever he had the time for me. He was probably the first person I really spoke to about my self harm. I don't think he had a choice really, considering how I'd told him. I'd had a really bad day and had cut myself in the bathrooms. So badly it turns out that I needed stitches. I was bleeding heavily which was obvious against my grey jeans (It's always the legs. I never allow people to see them) and I almost passed out in his arms in the office I was so shaken. I hadn't meant to confide in him so much. But once the barrier had been broken I couldn't stop. I needed him. I needed that one person. That one father figure who I could talk to and feel like he even cared just a little. Deep down I knew it was just his job. But I see now that I probably abused his kindness. But in the empty room that was my moment that day, he was the only one standing there with a kindness to offer.