Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost_Tracker
I would get rid of, "[or carve?]", personally.
i.m.o.,
"re-carve all
the lines on my face so that
you could help chisel them away" is more "direct."
I feel that the other way just disrupts the chain of thought.
I also don't quite get the last line,
"wishing it had worked
to keep us from the shore."
I mean, I understand the meaning, but it just doesn't seem right to me. I think it needs to be a little more correct from an "English" point-of-view. Maybe something like,
"wishing it had worked -
I wish I could have kept us . . .
from the shore."
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Hahahahaha, I was debating whether or not I should use "carve" or "chisel." I wasn't sure.... I definitely didn't want the parenthesis in the poem.
Thank you for your opinions Tim! I was worried about the last line too.