Quote:
Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen
PLEASE give me feedback on this. I'm sure you guys don't like every single word of this thing so if there's ANYTHING you would change, let me know. I literally just finished this five minutes ago so it hasn't gone through any editing phases.
Untitled
I,
and then maybe re-carve all
the lines on my face so that
you could help chisel [or carve?] them away.
...wishing it had worked
to keep us from the shore.
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I would get rid of, "[or carve?]", personally.
i.m.o.,
"re-carve all
the lines on my face so that
you could help chisel them away" is more "direct."
I feel that the other way just disrupts the chain of thought.
I also don't quite get the last line,
"wishing it had worked
to keep us from the shore."
I mean, I understand the meaning, but it just doesn't seem right to me. I think it needs to be a little more correct from an "English" point-of-view. Maybe something like,
"wishing it had worked -
I wish I could have kept us . . .
from the shore."
