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Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen
I never knew any of this, Louie. I'm glad I do now.
This is in interesting question for me because I'm in the process of walking way from "childhood" and into adulthood. I have no idea what I'll be like in 10 or 20 years but I already know that I've been emotionally unattached to my parents for years now and yet they've still affected me DRAMATICALLY.
My mom modeled in everything from Playboy to Versace ads. I had a LOT of pressure growing up to model, too, so I did. I modeled from birth (I was a Gerber baby) until I was 13, modeling as an adult for makeup and fashion designers. I had been fighting the urge to pick up an eating disorder since I was around 9 and my mom didn't help-- she put me in ballet classes which obviously made it much worse, and she'd make her own comments about how I wasn't "runway worthy." So I told her to STFU when I was thirteen and I quit. I was pretty much anorexic for a while and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. So I stopped ballet and modeling and told my parents to use my modeling money for horseback riding lessons  However, this mentality is FAR from gone for me.... I'm completely paranoid about what I look like at all times. I never leave my room without wearing cute clothes and having my hair and makeup done, I need male reassurance to feel half-decent about myself.... and I feel like these things come from the pressure I had growing up to be an archetype.
Also, my mom is bipolar and, as her psychologist once said (she refuses to see a psychiatrist after the bipolar diagnosis), she as "schizophrenic tendencies." My dad's an alcoholic. This combination lead to some not-so-fun childhood memories, so I lived somewhere else for a year until they kinda figured their **** out. I'm really independent because I had to be. I have a love/hate relationship with alcohol and any other type of drug. I desperately want to trust people but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm petrified of being a parent. For me, I think it all ties back to my parents. |
The fact that you are able to identify your feelings and have such insight into your parents and your past is going to help you more than you know. I can't tell you how many people I talk/work with who lack this ability. It doesn't mean that things are going to be easy though. I don't know you except from your posts but I am always touched by your ability to articulate your feelings. You seem to be a wise ol' owl...an old soul.
I hope you work through being petrified of being a parent...especially if you want to be one. I should have been petrified and still to this day don't know why I'm not. I screwed up A LOT but the one thing I feel that I'm doing right is raising my children. I didn't know how to be a mother but I learned and continue to learn.
One thing that has really been a struggle for me is a direct result of my mothers actions. Ya see, my mom always chose a man over her children. The woman has been married 10 times. She left me and my sister with our dads and moved far away and didn't see us for years. She started a new life and had new babies. She did this several times. She loves being in love or lust or whatever. How has that screwed me up? Well, I'm scared to death to fall for someone and possibly lose focus on my children and repeat history. That's why I'm single. That's also why I'm still in therapy. That's also why I'm working on a degree in counseling! Will my children need therapy? Yeah probably but guess what? They will have their very own live in therapist! ME! And I will drive them crazzzzyyy!