[Zombie]

An Open Letter to All Potential Clients from Hades

Dear Potential Client from Hades,

Hi! I'm Zombie. I am a writer, Internet marketing consultant, sometime web designer and sometime programmer. I have nigh on a decade of experience in doing this, first for an established marketing firm and now as a freelancer. And yes, I do actually make a decent living off of the writing and the consulting, which means that I do, in fact, actually know what I'm doing. After all, that is what people pay me for.

Now, let's you and me have a chat. You have work that needs doing. I know how to do that work. It's a potential match made in heaven just as long as you can avoid turning into the client from Hades. Luckily for you, I am here to tell you how to do just that before we get embroiled in a long struggle that inevitably results in me looking around for something sharp to shove in my ear.

So with that in mind and now that you know a little about what I am, here is a little about what I am NOT:

1.) From India/Russia/any of the various 'stan countries/the Phillipines. I am a native English speaker. When you hire me to write, you get grammatically-correct, high-quality content. Since I am also a marketing consultant, your content will be crafted with that in mind - content that also makes use of SEO and other marketing fundamentals without resorting to keyword stuffing or other stupid Black Hat tricks that get you Google Slapped. That's why they pay me the big bucks - I'm a writer that understands the unique needs of web content and how to make it work for your website.

2.) Free. Yeah, I know. But "freelancer?" I don't think that word means what you apparently think it means.

2.) Super cheap. Yes, I know the "writer" you found on Craigslist that lives in India/Russia/any of the various 'stan countries/the Phillipines only wanted $100 for a 40,000 word ebook on AdSense strategy. Yes, I will redo the work you only paid that guy $100 for, but it's going to cost you MY regular rate. No, I don't care that you think that's unfair because you have to pay for the same work twice, but you're the one that tried to get something good for nearly nothing. If $100 actually bought you quality work, you wouldn't be here talking to me now, would you?

3.) Going to lower my fees for you just because you think I charge too much. If you plan on becoming a regular, we'll talk price breaks later after I've determined that you're actually going to pay the first time around. I don't give a damn if you don't see why you should have to pay me so much for the work because you figure you could do just as good a job on your own if only you weren't so busy all the time. If you're such an expert, then do it yourself. Good luck with that.

4.) Your podiatrist's cousin's 16 year old nephew that took AP English and a semester of Visual Basic in 1997. I don't care if he thinks I'm doing it wrong. I don't care if he has helpful advice, like how the site needs more animated flaming torch .gifs and one of those cute little animated mailboxes with the eyeballs that peek out of the slot for a contact button, y'know, to REALLY make it pop. If he's such an expert, then go hire him instead. PS - Geocities called. They want their fancy-dancy innovations back.

5.) Your dog. I'm a professional. Work will be done by deadline and I will take reasonable suggestions and direction. I will also make reasonable changes for you. I will not, however, jump at your every whim, answer the phone at 4 AM because you got a wild hair up your ass after a night of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill and bowling alley revelry, or redo an entire project for no reason without proper additional compensation.

6.) A mind reader. This is your project. You tell me what you want me to do and I will do it exactly as you ask. If what you ask for is completely pants-on-head retarded (and let's face it: it probably is) or just not possible anywhere outside of your imagination, I will make friendly and helpful suggestions, but in the end, I can only work with what you give me. You have to tell me what you want.

7.) An idiot. I learned early on in my illustrious career that when a client says, "Do what you think is best, you're the expert," said client will invariably go bugf*ck crazy over the finished project and proclaim it not at all what he/she really wanted. Oh yeah, clownboat? I seem to remember you telling me to do what I thought was best, because, after all, I am the expert here, right? Riiiiight.

Again, I can (and will) only work with what you give me, so if you want something specific, tell me. If you don't know what you want, GTFO and come back later once you've quit wearing your ass as an attractive and fashion-forward chapeau. Then we'll talk. I promise.

8.) Interested in your awesome business model that's going to take the world by storm on account of it's an awesome business model which clearly means I should be willing to work for free because it's such an awesome business model that will totes make you a TON of money like 18 months from now if you can just get me to put the website up for free NOW and then pay me when you're TOTES making a ton of money from your awesome business model. Oh, and by the by, did you mention it was an awesome business model already, because it TOTES IS AN AWESOME BUSINESS MODEL OMG?

Yes. Yes, you did. And no. No, I won't.

9.) Your pushover mama that will give you 20 bucks for ramen when you blew your entire paycheck on Doritos and hookers (again). You didn't budget enough money for that elaborate brand identity revamp you had me do, even though I gave you a quote up front and you said it was acceptable? And, wait... you want it anyway? Well, you can't have it. Also? You're grounded.

And finally on this little list of Ten Things I Am Not, I am not...

10.) Zeus. Websites are not children that instantly spring full-blown from my forehead. Nor is content. I will work quickly to get your stuff to you by your deadline - sometimes even if it's a short deadline, because I am a great humanitarian like that - but these things do take time. I don't care if you don't think it looks complicated or not. It is and it takes time.

There! I think we're mostly on the same page here.

After all of that, though, you might be wondering, "What's MY role here, then, as the client? What should I be doing in order to make sure my project is completed on time and just the way I want it?"

I am SO glad you asked. It's really simple. Look:

1.) Pay on time.

2.) Don't ask for the sun and the moon when you can only afford Pop Rocks.

3.) Know what you want. I don't expect you to be a genius or know absolutely everything, but you should have a good idea of what you want and be able to express it clearly.

4.) Don't use that awesome jargony jargon you learned at that weekend seminar at the Motel 6 last week on how to become a millionaire on the Interwebs in 5 easy steps. The first time you spout off something about how we need to "make it more Web 2.0!" or "think outside the box!" or "make it go viral!" I am so going to kick you in a punch-fight just as soon as I finish building this here machine that lets me do that through the monitor and/or phone line.

And that brings us to...

5.) Use your words. No, I mean real words that have a real meaning. "Can you make it more wow?" does not mean anything to me. "Can you make it, I dunno, more...ooooo?" doesn't, either.

Whew. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better. I think we've all learned something here today. Please feel free to contact me to discuss your project!

Unless, y'know, you fail at reading and are planning on pulling any stunts. If this is the case, I will give you a No. 6 for your list of things to do, you special snowflake, you:

6.) STFU.

You're welcome,
Zombie